Hbee Inc.

So I just got a call from Citizens United asking me to listen to a message from Dick “Dick” Morris and then respond to a  “critically important” 1 question survey. Why not?

“Dick” came on the line and pimped the book he’s writing about how to take back America. Blah, blah, blah socialist…blah blah blah disarm the military…blah blah blah…WHUH?? Death panels? Did he really just say death panels? Why, yes. Yes, he did say death panels. That’s sooo 2009.

I knew I was going to wait for the survey, but the question was: How to respond? Should I talk to the little wingnut fucktard rationally? Should I say “fuck you” and hang up? Or…

[Rough transcript]

Sheila: Hi, Mr. Day? Did you hear the message all right?

Me: Yup.

Sheila: That’s great. So we have just one question to ask you. Do you agree with Barack Obama when it comes to socializing medicine, disarming the troops and promoting socialism in America?

Me: All in one question?

Sheila: [laughs uncomfortably] Would you like to take them one at a time?

Me: Yeah.

Sheila: Ok. What about socializing medicine?

Me: I think those death panels are disgusting.

Sheila: They are.

Me: I’ve heard from people that they can send someone over to my grandma’s house in the middle of the night, yank her out of bed by the hair, throw her in a van and then shoot her.

Sheila: They can.

Me: How can anyone DO that? I mean…how can you be the kind of person who -

Sheila: Well, his little….his…um…his…ya know…um…”small circle of friends” up there in Washington -

Me: Do you think they’ll shoot her themselves??

Sheila: Noooo…I doubt it. They’ll probably hire hitmen but they won’t call them that. They’ll cal them something nicer.

Me: That’s right!

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Sheila: Sure!

Me: Do you think they’ll have sex with the dead corpse of my grandma?

Sheila: I really don’t know

Me: I bet they will.

Sheila: Uh huh. What about disarming the military?

Me: I’ve heard that the whole reason they’re using GPS for the census is because when Obama lets the UN forces invade America that won’t be able to speak English so they’ll need to use GPS co-ordinates in order to find the house of Christians in order to kill them.

Sheila: Uh huh. I don’t doubt it. What about the troops?

Me: What’s Obama done for the troops, anyway? NOTHING.

Sheila: That’s right. All he’s done is ship more of them out!

Me: That’s right! And with what? NOTHING! He’s shipping out unarmed soldiers and putting them into harm’s way without any way to defend themselves.

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: He’s disgusting! How are we supposed to win the war on terror if he’s sending MORE troops over to Iraq and Afghanistan? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Sheila: (starting to catch on) Um….

Me: And how will they fight the Taliban when they’re unarmed? Huh? How?

Sheila: Uh….Yeah. I’d like to thank you for your feedback and

Me: Go fuck yourself, asshole.

Hbee Birther, Citzens United, Head Shaking, Republicana, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers Birther, Citzens United, Head Shaking, Republicana, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers

“Hey! A big piece of tin foil! Am I lucky or WHAT?”
Pee Wee Herman

This is one of my favorite lines from the original staged version of the Pee Wee Herman show. And if you haven’t seen it, then stop reading this and find it by hook or by crook. It’s a wonderful funny and real moment, capturing the joy and innocence of being a kid (albeit one that jerks off in movie theaters). I remember getting giddy finding a stash of rubber bands lying around and spending the next 3 hours working on my rubber band ball. I loved that feeling – the feeling of accomplishing something absolutely pointless, useless and selfish that did nothing to benefit society in any way shape or form.

Hey. Wait a minute. That sound like the teabaggers! “Hey! A big piece of hubris! Am I lucky or WHAT? Last week we had four people show up to protest BIG BROTHER trying to keep our food supply safe and this week we have FIVE people! WE’RE A MOVEMENT!” As any good ad-man knows if you even have one new person that shows up at an organized gathering, even to gawk, you can de facto say that the movement is growing. Nevermind the fact that you had to bus people in from out of state to make it happen (this after to you condemned ACORN for…um…bussing people from out of state). It’s all good fun until somebody loses an election.

I understand the paradigm. Really I do.  When I start pushing triple digits on this blog, I start getting…well, I get excited. However, I’m not claiming I have a hope in hell of changing public policy and that at some point in time the numbers will drift downward.   It’s called “facing reality” and the teabaggers, like Pee Wee Herman get big pleasure in small things…and then go and jerk off in theaters.

What have they got to crow about? Take a look!

You can see the power of the people in the results from our fundraising drive for Conservative Republican Sharron Angle’s campaign to Defeat Harry Reid.

While Reid and other establishment candidates get their money and funding from lobbyists, special interest groups and big corporations, we here at the Tea Party Express have asked individual Americans to step forward and help give Sharron Angle a fighting chance to get her message heard.

The response has been overwhelming.  You simply won’t believe it unless you see it with your own eyes.

Take a look at the list of people who have contributed $100 or more in just the past 5 days and see how we are using real grass roots power to take our country back!

Hm. Asking individual citizen for small amounts of money so you can avoid corporate lobbyists? I’m not sure but I think I’ve heard of that strategy before. But when? No matter, I’ll figure it out.

Still – an overwhelming response? Man! Good for you! That’s just great!  You guys must’ve really cleaned up. If Michelle Bachman’s opponent in the 2008 congressional race picked up a cool $438,000 for a congressional race in 24 hours, I can just imagine how much you guys came up with in 5 days.

Oh. I forgot the last part of the email

We have a long way to go to reach our goal for this $150,000 Money Bomb by Friday evening.  If you can support this fundraising drive with a contribution of $100 or more contribute  – HERE.

You didn’t reach $150,000 in five days? That’s just $30,000 a day.  And what a “money bomb”? And you’ve still got “a long way to go”? Um…being pathetic in front of your base is NOT a good way to sell your ideology. Still, they put a brave face on. I won’t bother to reprint the names of the 301 people that, over course of five days (aka: 60/day) contributed $100 or more since the teabaggers already did that.  What I will print is just how much these brave, brain damaged patriots coughed up.

$35,359

Seriously. As they didn’t print the final total, I guess they have some self-respect, although not much.

$35, 359. That’s a little over a fifth of their “money bomb” goal. Even better – They didn’t even get money from all 50 state.  Most notably and hilariously – Alaska!

Think about that for a second: No money came from Alaska. None. Or at least not in a chunk bigger than $99. Follow my logic on this

IF no money came from Alaska
AND Sarah Palin, the current Heather of the teabaggers, comes from Alaska
THEN Sarah Palin is too cheap/greedy/opportunistic/avaricious to give back to those who give to her.

Which, I guess makes sense because that’s what the teaparty comes down to – getting the rubes in the door, fleecing them and kicking them out of the street.

In order to reach their Friday goal they’ll have to scrounge up $29,000 a day. Given that about 84% of the donations were the $100, they’re gonna have to do a whole lot of teabagging to catch up. I guess they could try to get Sarah Palin to do a fundraiser for free but we all know that that’s not going to happen.

Oh, and if you’re curious about the 9 dollars – that’s because Gerard from Alameda, CA sent in $189. I’m guessing he kept that other $11 for overhead.

That’s what Dick Armey would do.

Hbee ACORN, Lovable Psychos, Sarah Palin, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers Lovable Psychos, Sarah Palin, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers

I haven’t slogged through Paul Schiffer’s website all that much, but, really, how deeply do you have to look to see that anyone that would put out a press release like this is a fucking NUTJOB.

Paul Schiffer, Republican Candidate for Congress in Ohio’s 16th Congressional District, has written legislation to outlaw Barack Obama’s dozens of ‘CZARS’ in the White House. Schiffer promises to introduce this legislation in Congress after election to Congress. Schiffer explained:

“I believe ‘Czars’ are un-American. It started out as almost an inside-the-Beltway joke under Republican Administrations — calling a Presidential adviser a ‘Czar.’ But the idea of Presidential ‘Czars’ has become a worrying trend. If we continue on this path, Presidential over-use of White House ‘Czars’ threatens to weaken America’s democratic system.”

WHUH?

I guess under Reagan it was funny because Reagan hated commies more than Jane Wyman. Thirty years later, though, with an admitted Commie, Socialist, Nazi Muslim in the White House it’s not longer a joke but REALITY.

Making an issue out of czars shows just how far wingnuts will go to avoid talking about issues. Politico today had a story about an RNC FUNdraising meeting that explicitly advocated the use of terrifying the populace with false claims of socialism simply to win elections.  Think about the desperation and hatred it takes for some wingnut fucktard to not only want to destroy the President of the United States but to have resort to what can only be described as terrorism. What’s an even bigger stretch is latching onto czars to do it.

If you weren’t home schooled you probably already know that “czars” have nothing to do with Communism. The Communists overthrew the czars. I know I’m burying a good punchline here, but this makes Paul Schiffer a Communist since he’s advocating the overthrow of czars. Such is the sheer, blind stupidity of the wingnut they literally believe that “czar” means “commie”. When confronted with the historical reality they plug their ears and shouting, “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

I’m not kidding. I called up the xtians at Crosstalk America one afternoon when the czar bullshit got to much. Brannon Howse, a seriously dangerous man, hypnotically chanted

“commie…czar…commie…czar…commie…czar…commie…czar…commie…czar…commie…czar…

for more than a half hour. I really tried to resist the call of my commie master, but I couldn’t and picked up the phone to defend old Nicholas II. How’d it turn out? Take a listen:

But It DID Come From RUSSIA

Let’s bear in mind – this guy considers himself to be smart. He’s a thinker.

I can only quote A Fish Called Wanda

Otto: Apes don’t read Plato
Wanda: Yes, they do, Otto, they just don’t understand it.

That said, everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes BIG mistakes. Like putting out a press release claiming to have “written legislation to outlaw Barack Obama’s dozens of ‘CZARS’ in the White House” and posting that legislation…which turns out to be four blank .pdf pages. (noczars.pdf – just in case he actually writes it)

OOPS!

Wingnuts aren’t funny but they ARE hilarious.

Hbee Czars, Paul Schiffer, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts Czars, Paul Schiffer, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts

Some wingnut moran posted the following video of Hitler ranting and raving, whipping up a crowd into a murderous frenzy.

Somehow, this is supposed to be Obama. Because Obama is so angry and emotional and people who support him all want to kill Jews. The Hitler analogy doesn’t make sense to those who do things like…I don’t know…read or watch the History Channel. It doesn’t matter to wingnuts, though.  Bad is bad > Hitler is bad > Obama is bad > Obama is Hitler.

It seems to have gotten to a point where some brainless fucktard that doesn’t understand that you can’t blame Obama for getting you fired before Obama even announced his intention to run, can throw up some video of Hitler and not even bother to read the text and still claim Obama is Hitler. Because anything Hitler says MUST be something that Obama said.

Right?

Not so much.

Since when our party was just seven men, we already spoke two solid phrases: First, it wanted to be a true world view party. And, hence, secondly, you uncompromisingly wanted the only and sole power in Germany. It wasn’t the intellectuals who gave me the courage to undertake this task….I found the courage because I encountered two classes. Country people and German workers.

Hm. Weird.

Let me if i can paraphrase this – A small bunch of guys, pissed of at the intellectuals, got together to figure out how rip down the existing power structure and “take back the country” by forcing out the people they considered evil. The took their message to the poor country folk and the workers pissed off about the economy and stirred them to action.  And they really, really disliked Jews, Blacks, Gays and Gypsies…and tramps and thieves. Once roused and enraged, they took pride in the fact that they were an angry mob.  They used physical intimidation and brutality to get their way. They shouted down their opponents.

As always, your mileage may vary, but I’m not sure this describes Obama or any of his supporters. Indeed, this sounds more like the average teabagger, shouting down people in wheelchairs, carrying Obama monkeys, carrying nooses and guns to health care town halls.

But, like Reagan said, facts are stupid things.

Hbee Hitler, Talk Radio, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts Hitler, Talk Radio, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts

Quick quiz:

You’ve just spent $57,000 to buy the jacket Sarah Palin wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge”. What do you do with it?

A: Give to your wife as a Christmas present
B: Resell it
C: Put it in an unused bathroom
D: Hermetically seal it and keep it at Iron Mountain

The answer is, of course, C.  Which is pretty hilarious.

To hear the teabaggers speak of Palin, you’d think that owning her jacket might come close to owning an artifact of some saint – like one of Mother Theresa’s ovararies. But, instead, motivational speaker and xtain, John G. Miller, spent $57,000 to throw it in an unused bathroom.

Sarah’s Jacket

Hardly a place of honor or respect. In fact, as Miller points out, “I hope that someone doesn’t wash their face and dry it on the jacket!”

Let’s make sure we understand the set up – John G. Miller, father of seven kids, spent $57,000 to buy Sarah Palin’s jacket. It fits his wife “perfectly” but she won’t wear it. Maybe she doesn’t like red. Who knows? Either way, it’s taken out of commission as something useful. It’s been robbed of its purpose. It’s not even special enough to take care of. Instead, it hangs silently in a bathroom, something to take a look at while you’re shitting out today’s lunch. Even a book of bathroom jokes conveys more utility on the owner than Sarah Palin’s jacket. He doesn’t even care enough about it to put it on display in the living room when his wingnut friends come over to pray for God’s removal of Obama from office.

“Hey! What’s that?!”
“Sarah Palin’s jacket. The one she wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge.”
“Wow! That’s really inspiring!”
“She’s got such great ideas and I really admire her”

The jacket, like the teabaggers, exists as, literally, an empty suit. It’s not useful. It contributes nothing.  It means nothing. It doesn’t show devotion to the cause. Instead, like those who ponied up $400-700 just to show up at the “convention” it simply says “I’m rich enough to be part of a grassroots movement of ‘ordinary’ people.”

It’s placement in the bathroom says the jacket means shit.

Hbee John G. Miller, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Radio, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts John G. Miller, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Radio, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts

Oh my.

Apparently, the current Pledge of Allegiance leaves great big holes for “the libs, fools, and enemies” to walk right in and pervert the true meaning of America.

Dear Friends and Patriots.

For all my life I have proudly said the Pledge of Alligence to the flag. Perhaps WE can do better. The Flag is a symbol of our union and our identity. Unfortunately I believe it is NOT a pledge to the US Constitution and I think THAT is needed. Therefore I would like to submit this following PLEDGE OF ALLIGIANCE TO THE CONSTITUTION. In my not so elequent way I submit the following, encourage it’s development and debate.

I pledge allegiance to the Constitution of the Union of Independent American States,
and to the Republic which it defines, establishes, and preserves,
One Nation, under God.
Indivisible and dedicated to Liberty and Justice for all.

What do you all think? Good Idea? Please contribute any re-writes. I encourage debate and I truly believe we need an oath that will seperate those of us who truly stand for that great Constitution and then the rest of the libs, fools, and enemies of it who are just taking up space and wasting MY air who will and do not support it. I think the Constitution is the one common and overiding concept behind TPN.

Personally, I think it’s a GREAT idea.  The logic is flawless: re-writing the Pledge of Allegiance will separate the patriots from the commies and…um…and…see, once we know who’s who we can…ya know…do stuff.

Reply by Chris Fa. 1 day ago
Good idea but what happens if an amendment to the constitution is passed? Would we be automatically against that amendment because it changes the constitution to which we are pledging our allegiance?

Buck Turgidson Permalink Reply by Buck Turgidson 1 day ago
Chris, the Constitution is made so that the american people can add amendments. Otherwise this country would be overrun by communists.

Chris Fa. Permalink Reply by Chris Fa. 1 day ago
Good point, Buck. I sorta forgot about that. Been a while since US History… Anyway I think that new pledge is ok as it stands, but we might want to change the end of it to “liberty and justice for all CITIZENS” so we don’t give terrorists rights, you know?

joane golub Permalink Reply by joane golub 1 day ago
yes. the commie people and the libs.

I encourage you all to help out the teabaggers by posting your edits or original re-workings of the Pledge of Allegiance! Post them in comments!

Bonus Points: Can you spot the troll?

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This is one of the more amusing aspects of trolling: References to names that your victims most likely don’t know. In this case, it’s Buck Turgidson, the commie hating, war-room fighting, mine-shaft-gap-admonishing General from Dr. Stranglove.

Hbee Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, The New Pledge, Wingnuts Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, The New Pledge, Wingnuts

Here in Massachusetts, Ted Kennedy’s seat is up for grabs. Naturally, the teabaggers want some pay back for fucking up NY-23 and getting a Democrat elected.  Actually, in the type of wishful thinking that characterizes the whole teabagger movement, they see NY-23 as a victory.

Whuh?

It’s true! They see the Kool-Aid pitcher half full!

They don’t see the election of the first Democrat since Reconstruction as a public rebuke of Christo-fascism. They see it as the successful sabotage of a RINO, a moderate Republican that no one really had a problem with until the homophobic teabaggers putt-putted into town like an elderly Marlon Brando in The Wild Ones…except on Hoverounds

Hoveround!

So now, fresh off the heels of the “victory” in NY-23, the slack-jawed teabaggers believe that they, and only they, can deliver a Massachusetts senate seat…as long as the candidate teabags them.

This is from the HILARIOUS Tea Party Nation forum so you’ll have to have an account to view the thread.  If you join in, behave yourself because LIBERAL TROLLS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. *laffin*

RJ, I think this is an excellent opportunity for the entire Traditional American Movement to give the prospective candidate, Mr. Brown in this case, the chance to apply for our support.

If he passes our sieve for support and we pledge it, the die is cast and we must follow through with all means possible. We have the golden opportunity to test a candidate and our own ability to harness the power of this huge movement. It is here and now.

A member from Mass. should contact Mr. Brown and have him ask Judson how to get our support. This is important and the candidate must appeal to us, not the other way around.

Note the language.

1) “Traditional American Movement” – What – teabagger isn’t good enough for you any more?

2) “apply for our support” – Maybe it’s me, but doesn’t this sound vaguely scary and threatening? “Sure, Spanky, he can apply for membership in the He Man Homo Haters Club but that sure don’t mean that we gotta let ‘im in!”  They view the “movement” as the fraternity the trailer park never had.

3) “our sieve for support…the die is cast” – Self-published much? I’m pretty sure this is the guy that ghost-wrote Larry Sinclair’s book. This is how they (and, to be honest) we hook people – with all the baroque self-importance and sham of a Viagra-induced hardon.

4) “the candidate must appeal to us, not the other way around.” – How do you say in wingnut-speak “special interest group”? When the teachers’ union goes fishing for a candidate that appeals to it, it’s a communist plot. It’s proof that politicians exist only to court the favor of those who can help them.

4a) Even if teabaggers had the power they think they do (and they don’t), there aren’t enough of them in Massachusetts to make a difference at the polls. The best they can do is throw a bunch of money into TV and radio ads viciously attacking Coakley. These ads, I’m guessing, will have very little to do with issues pertaining to the state and everything to do with…um…running against the President…like they accused us of doing in  2008.

America is under attack by socialist homosexuals who want to kill your grandmother and make it legal to have sex with your pets. Is that what America means to you? It does to Martha Coakley. Martha Coakley even has the word “democrat” hidden in her name…if her name had a “d” in it. Don’t let Martha Coakley have sex with your dog on the corpse of your grandmother.  The fate of America depends on it.

Paid for by Tradition Americans Against Liberal Bestiality.

Hbee Mass. Senate Race, Political Whatever, Republicana, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts Mass. Senate Race, Political Whatever, Republicana, Tea Party Nation, Teabaggers, Wingnuts