When I talk of Tony Perkins here, I don’t speak of the gay actor that dressed up in his mother’s clothing and killed Janet Leigh in the shower. Nor the actor who played the closeted photographer in Mahogony. When I talk of Tony Perkins, I speak of James Dobson’s bully boy and head of the Family Research Council. Tony is a capital-X Xtian who, I’m sure, if it wasn’t for those pesky “government laws” would have no problem killing his kid, as God urges you to do in Leviticus. He knows that God doesn’t like gays, that abortion is murder and that God forgave Sen. David Vitter for hiring whores to dress him up in a diaper so there’s no need to contest Vitter’s re-election bid. All of this is to say that, while he may not suck dicks, he’s a dick and he sucks.
Tony (the not gay one) bleats about the important issues of the day and why liberals will go to Hell on Washington Watch Weekly. While most shows fill the average listener with dread over what a theocracy might look like NOT GAY people like Tony Perkins (the not gay one) in charge, this past week’s points out just how fucking insane Dobson and the crew are.
It’s been proven by xtians that once upon a time in America there was no crime, no drug, no pre-marital sex, no gays, all wars were just wars and people only voted Republican. It was a simpler, better time because only xtians lived in America and you could beat the shit out your child without fear of prosecution. To that end, xtians love looking backwards. Even to the extent that they favor dictionaries from 1912 and rely on previous drafts of state’s constitutions to prove that God created America.
This past Wednesday, the country celebrated Veterans’ Day. Tony did, as well, by flying a very special flag. This flag represents a time when Americans believed in America and compassion for the enemies of America simply did not exist. We gunned them down in cold blood, pissed on the dead and Jesus laughed, laughed, laughed. It’s a flag that flew over Pearl Harbor before the filthy, yellow Japs bombed it. Which means it only has 48 stars. Which means it doesn’t represent the whole country. Which means that, mercifully, all the darker skinned Americans of Hawaii and Alaska get shunted aside. God Bless (most of) America!
Tony (the not-gay one) knows that among Jesus’ wonderful messages, His message of helping your fellow man stands in the center of it. One way to help your fellow man is, when they knock up their girlfriend in high school, to force them to have a child they’re not mature enough to raise. In doing this, you ensure the child gets neglected and (hopefully) beaten. Why? Because not only will the child want to get the hell out of that house and joined the Army, but when they do, they’ll already be battle hardened. Some “Pro-Lifers” (at least pro-American lifers) praised the Stupid Stupak amendment to the rapidly toothless healthcare bill for making sure that xtians wouldn’t go to Hell because they paid for a girl to abort their daddy’s baby. Tony (tngo) knows you have to cruel to be kind and that allowing the bill to become law means victory for the harbinger of the End Times, Barak Obama. After all, you don’t need health insurance if you live your life in accordance to biblical principals. What’s the point of Stupid Stupak amendment when the more important goals are 1) to actively work against the President of the United States and 2) let the people who don’t live their life by following biblical principles to die. Yes, God is Love and sometimes love means killing that uppity bitch that refuses to do what you tell her to.
Lastly, as the Conservative Bible Project plans to make clear, Jesus was NOT a liberal. When Jesus said “fellow man” he didn’t mean everyone. He meant (in the original Aramaic) “like-minded people” or, in the parlance of today’s vernacular “NOT TOWELHEADS.” Tony doesn’t truck with “intellectuals” who “think” and “analyze” and rely on “political correctness” and “other people” to inform their decisions. So, when a Muslim like Nidal Hassan opens fire and kills 13 at Ft. Hood, Texas, the way to make sure this never happens again is clear: kick the fucking Muslims out of the US Armed Forces. Now. Didn’t this same thing happen 6 years ago?! Don’t you people get it?! Do you not see a trend?! As most xtians, will tell you – when you become a Muslim you take an oath to kill as many Americans as you can. We are the enemy. To hell with all this “diversity” and “inclusion”. Letting Muslims into the military de facto means more dead American soldiers on the soil of our glorious homeland.
Do you think Jesus wants to see that? Tony Perkins doesn’t. But then again, he doesn’t like to acknowledge the 49th and 50th states of the Union, either.