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Posts Tagged ‘Dobson’

In Which I’m Busy But I Have Post This

February 9th, 2010 No comments

I am SO digging the American Family Association‘s American Family Radio podcast. It’s so chock full xtian hilarity, I may just not recover!

On the lame Focus on the Family Tebow Superbowl ad, they try so hard not to offend Dobson that they can barely talk.  They declare victory by trotting out an editorial from a  “liberal” columnist who claims that the global warming debate is over.  And since the global warming debate is dead, then cap and trade is dead. They repeatedly refer the the editorial as an “article”. Oh.  Yeah.  And she’s Canadian! Since when did wingnuts start caring about what the rest of the world says?  DOH! When they agree with the wingnuts! I forgot that xtians heart moral relativism. Color me embarrassed!

But it gets better! A bill called The Student Non-Discrimination Act got introduced on 1/27/10 that basically says don’t beat up LGBT kids. OR DOES IT??? Well, if you factor in the boy in Fulton, MS that got sent home from school for crossdressing then it all makes sense: if The Student Non-Discrimination Act gets passed it means that KINDERGARTEN BOYS WILL COME TO SCHOOL DRESSED AS GIRLS AND PERFORM HOMOSEXUAL ACTS IN THE CLASSROOM!!! I swear that they will!! How do you even make this shit up? It requires leaps of logic that are…well…biblical. (Me so FUNEE!)

Last but not least comes the best radio ad I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s for a company called Medi-Share (which in the ad sounds like “meta-share” making it harder to find – nice job, copywriters). Medi-Share is “where Christians share each other’s medical expenses much like the early church did 2000yrs ago.” Whoa! Jesus had an HMO? (“Yeaaaaah, I’m sorry, Jesus, but those nail wounds aren’t covered. You can pay out of pocket for them to get sutured or you can let ‘em heal on their own.”) But, like a competently written comedy, you save the punchline for the end.  Really. It’s only a minute long. Listen to the whole thing. You won’t be disappointed!

Medi-Share Radio Ad

gtg, as the kids say!

In Which Tony Perkins Hates Alaska, Hawaii And Muslims

November 13th, 2009 No comments

two_tonys

When I talk of Tony Perkins here, I don’t speak of the gay actor that dressed up in his mother’s clothing and killed Janet Leigh in the shower. Nor the actor who played the closeted photographer in Mahogony. When I talk of Tony Perkins, I speak of James Dobson’s bully boy and head of the Family Research Council. Tony is a capital-X Xtian who, I’m sure, if it wasn’t for those pesky “government laws” would have no problem killing his kid, as God urges you to do in Leviticus. He knows that God doesn’t like gays, that abortion is murder and that God forgave Sen. David Vitter for hiring whores to dress him up in a diaper so there’s no need to contest Vitter’s re-election bid. All of this is to say that, while he may not suck dicks, he’s a dick and he sucks.

Tony (the not gay one) bleats about the important issues of the day and why liberals will go to Hell on Washington Watch Weekly. While most shows fill the average listener with dread over what a theocracy might look like NOT GAY people like Tony Perkins (the not gay one) in charge, this past week’s points out just how fucking insane Dobson and the crew are.

It’s been proven by xtians that once upon a time in America there was no crime, no drug, no pre-marital sex, no gays, all wars were just wars and people only voted Republican. It was a simpler, better time because only xtians lived in America and you could beat the shit out your child without fear of prosecution.  To that end, xtians love looking backwards. Even to the extent that they favor dictionaries from 1912 and rely on previous drafts of state’s constitutions to prove that God created America.

This past Wednesday, the country celebrated Veterans’ Day. Tony did, as well, by flying a very special flag.  This flag represents a time when Americans believed in America and compassion for the enemies of America simply did not exist.  We gunned them down in cold blood, pissed on the dead and Jesus laughed, laughed, laughed. It’s a flag that flew over Pearl Harbor before the filthy, yellow Japs bombed it.  Which means it only has 48 stars.  Which means it doesn’t represent the whole country.  Which means that, mercifully, all the darker skinned Americans of Hawaii and Alaska get shunted aside.  God Bless (most of) America!

Tony (the not-gay one) knows that among Jesus’ wonderful messages, His message of helping your fellow man stands in the center of it.  One way to help your fellow man is, when they knock up their girlfriend in high school, to force them to have a child they’re not mature enough to raise.  In doing this, you ensure the child gets neglected and (hopefully) beaten.  Why? Because not only will the child want to get the hell out of that house and joined the Army, but when they do, they’ll already be battle hardened.  Some “Pro-Lifers” (at least pro-American lifers) praised the Stupid Stupak amendment to the rapidly toothless healthcare bill for making sure that xtians wouldn’t go to Hell because they paid for a girl to abort their daddy’s baby.  Tony (tngo) knows you have to cruel to be kind and that allowing the bill to become law means victory for the harbinger of the End Times, Barak Obama.  After all, you don’t need health insurance if you live your life in accordance to biblical principals.  What’s the point of Stupid Stupak amendment when the more important goals are 1) to actively work against the President of the United States and 2) let the people who don’t live their life by following biblical principles to die.  Yes, God is Love and sometimes love means killing that uppity bitch that refuses to do what you tell her to.

Lastly, as the Conservative Bible Project plans to make clear, Jesus was NOT a liberal.  When Jesus said “fellow man” he didn’t mean everyone. He meant (in the original Aramaic) “like-minded people” or, in the parlance of today’s vernacular “NOT TOWELHEADS.” Tony doesn’t truck with “intellectuals” who “think” and “analyze” and rely on “political correctness” and “other people” to inform their decisions. So, when a Muslim like Nidal Hassan opens fire and kills 13 at Ft. Hood, Texas, the way to make sure this never happens again is clear: kick the fucking Muslims out of the US Armed Forces.  Now.  Didn’t this same thing happen 6 years ago?!  Don’t you people get it?! Do you not see a trend?!  As most xtians, will tell you – when you become a Muslim you take an oath to kill as many Americans as you can. We are the enemy.  To hell with all this “diversity” and “inclusion”.  Letting Muslims into the military de facto means more dead American soldiers on the soil of our glorious homeland.

Do you think Jesus wants to see that?  Tony Perkins doesn’t.  But then again, he doesn’t like to acknowledge the 49th and 50th states of the Union, either.

In Which I Post Someone Else’s Letter

March 31st, 2009 No comments

[Note - Newton Wilcox on the Board of Directors of www.shelleytherepublican.com, which is to say he's a fucking nutcase.  This letter was leaked to me anonymously and is posted without comment.]

Dear Mr. Justice Scalia

It goes without saying that God is the judge of us all, but until Jesus returns to earth to judge the naked and the dead (and if they’re naked it’s pretty much assured that they’re going to Hell) then you, and NOT Barney Frank, are the right man for the job. How dare he call you a homophobe!? This “politically correct” term is used simply to demonize those who hate gay people. I hate broccoli. Does that make me a broccoli-phobe? According to Mr. Barney Frank, I guess that it does. I guess you’d better just ship me off to Barack HUSSIEN Obama’s food re-education camps that he’s setting up even as we speak. What kind of country has America become when you are forced to not only eat but to enjoy hummus? I guess you can call it “change” but I, for one, do not believe in it.

You well know, sir, that God founded America to spread democracy and the English language throughout the rest of the world. If this isn’t true, then why was the Bible written in English?! (And, parenthetically, thanks to President Bush Iraquis are now beginning to put u’s after q’s the way they’re supposed to. Mission accomplished!) As you said so eloquently in your dissent against the decision to let Texas become an openly homosexual state, the “agenda promoted by some homosexual activists [is] directed at eliminating the moral opprobrium that has traditionally attached to homosexual conduct.” If I was a smarter man, I’d understand all of those words but it seems pretty clear that you understand that the homosexual agenda wants nothing more than to make all heterosexuals get divorced and force them to “marry” someone of their own sex. We know this to be true because Dr. Dobson and the Rev. Ted Haggard have told us so.

What’s less known, and the reason for this letter, is that all of this is being driven by the powerful Unitarian Universalist lobby in Congress. How do we know this? All you have to do is follow the money. Who stands to gain from homosexual marriage and the destruction of the moral fabric of our society? Unitarians, that’s who. Besides Satanists, Unitarians are the only other “religion” that performs “same-sex” ceremonies. Thus, the Unitarians stand to gain untold riches from fulfilling Satan’s plan of turning America from a once proud and powerful capitalistic country bursting with nuclear weapon capabilities into a filthy, third world hippie commune overseen by Charles Manson. Was Jesus killed by the Jews for this? I think not.

I’d like to personally thank you for standing up for the American values of traditional marriage and Christianity as laid out in the Constitution of this great country of ours. I’d also like to thank you for helping Justice Thomas get comfortable with a job that seemed to be pretty much over his head. Fortunately, you’ve told him how to vote and everything has worked out for the best.

In closing, let me just say that you are my favorite Supreme Court Justice even though you’re a Catholic and you can look forward to my vote in 2012 to keep you on the court!

Yours in Christ,

Newton Wilcox
Board of Directors
www.Shelleytherepublican.com