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Posts Tagged ‘Christians’

In Which All Xtians Agree With Pat Robertson

January 14th, 2010 No comments

Hey, remember a couple of years back when some miserable fanatics flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon? Remember how wingnuts and xtians used the occasion to blame all of Islam because, effectively, the president of Islam didn’t condemn the attacks quickly, strongly or believably enough?

By that measure, the measure which they hold other religions to, all xtians believe Pat Robertson 100% that Haiti made a pact with the devil. True story.

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it,” Robertson said on his Christian Broadcasting Network show. “They were under the heel of the French . . . and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’

“True story. And the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal,’ ” Robertson said. “Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

How do we know this is true? Because in the 24hrs or so since Robertson vomited out his “blessing in disguise” not one xtian group has come forward to condemn him or his outward presentation of schizophrenia.

Christan Newswire is the place where xtians (and sometimes Christians) go to unleash their messages of love for homos, liberals, minorities and the current president.  Want to know about some preacher planning to bury himself alive for three days so he can return with a revelation? This is the place to go. Concerned Women For America shows their concern for women by decry rape exclusions in abortion. The American Family Association keeps you updated on who to hate. Randall Terry releases statements that dead abortion doctors had it coming to them.

And all of them speak for God and God says Haiti made a deal with Satan.

I don’t know exactly how far gone you have to be to actually buy into that. Apparently, if you’re an xtian, not very far.

So why haven’t the condemnations of Robertson flooded Christian Newswire like Christ’s blood dripping down his body on the cross? Because you don’t call your rich grandfather a “fucktard”. The xtain community knows that Pat still holds a lot of power.  Wanna take over the 700 Club? Wanna even be a guest on the 700 Club? Keep your mouth shut and nod…even when Grandpa calls you by the wrong name and tries to touch you when no one’s looking.

This kind of sin of commission (yes, D, I know it’s usually Catholic) is the kind of thing Christianity frowns on.  All the more reason to call out fake xtians when they allow their “leaders” to denigrate the victims of tragedy fairy tales and lies.

Let me be clear – it’s not that xtians hate black people. They just hate people in general. After all, that’s what Jesus would do.

In Which Giving Your Life To Christ Doesn’t Make You An xtian

January 3rd, 2010 1 comment

Xtians want you to believe that if only the Muslim president converted to xtianity, everything would be ok. He’d understand that Jesus would waterboard terrorists before putting two Godly bullets through their skulls. He’d get that personally killing pre-borns contradicts God’s laws. Jesus would lead him to the founding of the American theocracy that God created America for.

You see, they’re not hateful. They want the best for the other 80% of the population that is not totally fucking insane. All they want is for the rest of us to understand that America needs to be saved before God can destroy it in the Armageddon.

But.

Converting to xtianity is not enough.

Apparently, Jesus doesn’t always save. It’s so confusing. Once upon a time, you turned your life over to Jesus and, BOOM, that was that. Past sins forgiven, milk and honey at the signing of the death certificate, moral clarity – in short, you, like the folks at Crosstalk, got a pre-approved ticket to Heaven. Guess not.

I’m not sure who gets to change the rules, but all signs point to Vic Eliason. Vic decided that just being xtian isn’t enough. Thus, even if President Obama converted to xtianity Vic still wouldn’t support him.

There’s really only one way that this works – Jesus can’t forgive all sins. If, after dedicating your life to Christ, your earthly judges (Vic, Jim and Ingrid, I guess) still find your soul tainted and wicked, then Jesus didn’t do His job very well.

Ok. I lied.  There’s another way it works. It works if Vic, Jim and Ingrid hold themselves pridefully above the rest of humanity in some special xtian skybox halfway between Heaven and Earth set up as Jesus’ hallway monitors. I’m a little rusty on my bible passages, but I’m sure they can tell me which chapter and verse gives them authority to judge the strength of someone’s faith.

Vic? Ingrid? Jim? Bueller?

Help me out, here.

Jesus Doesn’t Save

Caller: [I was asked] What if Obama had a conversion and got saved and became a Christian, what would your response be and my response sadly was, man, I’d start praying for him and asking God to protect him…

Sadly? Really? You’d be sad about an enemy of America converting from the dark side to the light side? I could have sworn that the a lost lamb coming back to the flock meant rejoicing. Boy! What a dumbass I am! It’s actually cause for regret and suspicion.

Still, Vic, as God’s Hallway Monitor, explains, after a conversion, it gets kicked up the chain of command to Vic, Jim and Ingrid. Only after they sign off on the new recruit, does God make the final judgment.  And, really, how can anyone know what God thinks. Maybe, Vic hints, God would kill the newly xtian Obama just to teach him a lesson.

Because, as stated earlier, Jesus can’t absolve all sins. Especially the sins of Socialism, Communism, Fascism, Saul Alinksy-ism and all those poor pre-borns that, had they been born, would have saved the Social Security system.

http://www.rnclife.org/faxnotes/2005/jan05/05-01-14.html

In Which The Right Has Poor…Um…Control

May 27th, 2009 No comments

What’s in a name?  Kind of a lot, really.  Especially when you hold yourself up as a beacon of truth and justice.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made the mistake before.  In fact, I’m horrible with names.  For the longest time I was calling “David” “Keith” and I could only picture a friend of my wife’s as a blonde when she’s really a brunette.  So, perhaps I’m not really the one that should be talking about this.

But, then again, I’m not trying to bring down a Supreme Court nominee, either.

So when Mike “Mr. Bitter” Huckabee finds himself with such a massive erection over the nomination of “Maria Sotomayor” that he shoots first and apologizes later you have wonder if Mrs. Huckabee lives in a state of, shall we say, constant frustration.  See, “Maria” is a Mexican name and she’s a Mexican.  ALL Mexican are named Maria.  Makes perfect sense…if you’re a mindless fucktard with a BA in racism from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and you raised a son that kills dogs.  It’s an honest mistake to make for an xtian conservative to make.

Crosstalk America jumped on the bash-the-SCOTUS-nominee bandwagon, too, of course.  Apparently NOT legislating from the bench is just as bad a legislating from the bench.  So if the laws of New Haven, CT say a firefighter’s test is discrimatory and needs to be thrown out and the judge affirms the law – well, what does that say about how she’ll do on Roe v. Wade?  Despite the fact that she appears to have a balanced record when deciding cases.

A few shows ago, Vic and Jim chided the listeners for not doing their homework.  Apparently, too many xtians got the “Hate Crime” law mixed up with the “Hate Speech” law (xtian code for the Fairness Doctrine) and kept calling VCY for clarification like they were some kind of helpful experts or something.  To paraphrase – “We report – you decry.  If you’re too stupid to figure it out you deserve to listen to our show.”

Anywho – they, like Huckabee, rather than bother to check the name of the nominee they just called her whatever the felt like.  Maybe Jesus needed his hearing aid adjusted because they got her name wrong, too.

Perhaps America will get lucky and hundreds of thousands of xtians will call their senators telling them not to confirm Maria Solomayor and Sonia Sotomayor will sail right through.

There are so many better bloggers who can write from personal experience about how the political establishment still can’t come to grips with non-white Americans in the political system.  Anything I could say would just be a paraphrase of them so check out

Culture Kitchen

Jack and Jill Politics

The one point to bring up, though, is that non-whites are finally getting credit and recognition for what whites keep insisting they do – pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  Think back, for instance, the biography of Bill Clinton:  A poor kid that grew up in poverty, worked hard and became the President of the United States.  Inspiring, right?  Let’s start having the same sense of awe and appreciation for those who not only overcame poverty but a system that consistently favored whites over minorities.  Wingnuts love to go on and on about the evil of quotas.  They need to learn how to praise someone when they deserve praise rather drop back to their default position of “white makes right”.

In Which I Didn’t Know They Had Integrity

May 19th, 2009 No comments

I totally forgot about one of my new favorite sound clip from Crosstalk.  I have to admit that I don’t listen every day because I’m too busy worshipping Satan and searching for new commandments to break – I mean, it seems like there’s a whole lot more than ten out there.  Anywho – somebody must have done some pretty good trolling because all of the sudden the policy on calling in changed.  No longer will they pick up any old call, no, no – you must have a valid caller ID or they won’t even pick up.

Vic Explains The New Policy

YOIKS!

My favorite part is “the integrity of this show depends upon it.”  Whuh?  Integrity?  Vic, you’re “integrity” is, for lack of a better word, shit.  Especially since you spent a fair amount of the first part of the show riffing on some black helicopter World Net Daily “article” about how the 2010 census is using GPS to map people’s front doors and how GPS was used in the Iraq to send missles through windows.  Of course, you assured people, you weren’t saying the government was planning on killing Americans.  Not American forces, at least, since Obama was “decimating” the military.  But if some force decided to invade America and had to locate a certain house, they probably wouldn’t know English and would have to rely on GPS to figure it out.  And since Obama had mapped all of the houses with GPS then what makes you think that he wasn’t working for…well…no need to say more.  As any lawyer knows, you don’t have to explicitly say what you mean to inflict damage.

Yes, Vic, among the sane and thoughtful, you’re integrity is like Ted Haggard’s butt – stretched and lax.  Remember that time you had the conversation with the guy that said that since homosexuals were immoral they couldn’t feel remorse and therefor could kill anyone they wanted to and not care?  A person of integrity would have at least challenged such insanity.  You didn’t.  A person of integrity wouldn’t allow a host like Ingrid to knowingly let a caller rewrite history

John Lennon Killed Immediately After The Bigger Than Jesus Statement

Rather, your integrity is like honor among thieves – it sounds good but it’s just not true.  They’re still thieves and by any objective standard, you still lie and, worse, enable others to lie through your silence.

In Which I Post Someone Else’s Letter

March 31st, 2009 No comments

[Note - Newton Wilcox on the Board of Directors of www.shelleytherepublican.com, which is to say he's a fucking nutcase.  This letter was leaked to me anonymously and is posted without comment.]

Dear Mr. Justice Scalia

It goes without saying that God is the judge of us all, but until Jesus returns to earth to judge the naked and the dead (and if they’re naked it’s pretty much assured that they’re going to Hell) then you, and NOT Barney Frank, are the right man for the job. How dare he call you a homophobe!? This “politically correct” term is used simply to demonize those who hate gay people. I hate broccoli. Does that make me a broccoli-phobe? According to Mr. Barney Frank, I guess that it does. I guess you’d better just ship me off to Barack HUSSIEN Obama’s food re-education camps that he’s setting up even as we speak. What kind of country has America become when you are forced to not only eat but to enjoy hummus? I guess you can call it “change” but I, for one, do not believe in it.

You well know, sir, that God founded America to spread democracy and the English language throughout the rest of the world. If this isn’t true, then why was the Bible written in English?! (And, parenthetically, thanks to President Bush Iraquis are now beginning to put u’s after q’s the way they’re supposed to. Mission accomplished!) As you said so eloquently in your dissent against the decision to let Texas become an openly homosexual state, the “agenda promoted by some homosexual activists [is] directed at eliminating the moral opprobrium that has traditionally attached to homosexual conduct.” If I was a smarter man, I’d understand all of those words but it seems pretty clear that you understand that the homosexual agenda wants nothing more than to make all heterosexuals get divorced and force them to “marry” someone of their own sex. We know this to be true because Dr. Dobson and the Rev. Ted Haggard have told us so.

What’s less known, and the reason for this letter, is that all of this is being driven by the powerful Unitarian Universalist lobby in Congress. How do we know this? All you have to do is follow the money. Who stands to gain from homosexual marriage and the destruction of the moral fabric of our society? Unitarians, that’s who. Besides Satanists, Unitarians are the only other “religion” that performs “same-sex” ceremonies. Thus, the Unitarians stand to gain untold riches from fulfilling Satan’s plan of turning America from a once proud and powerful capitalistic country bursting with nuclear weapon capabilities into a filthy, third world hippie commune overseen by Charles Manson. Was Jesus killed by the Jews for this? I think not.

I’d like to personally thank you for standing up for the American values of traditional marriage and Christianity as laid out in the Constitution of this great country of ours. I’d also like to thank you for helping Justice Thomas get comfortable with a job that seemed to be pretty much over his head. Fortunately, you’ve told him how to vote and everything has worked out for the best.

In closing, let me just say that you are my favorite Supreme Court Justice even though you’re a Catholic and you can look forward to my vote in 2012 to keep you on the court!

Yours in Christ,

Newton Wilcox
Board of Directors
www.Shelleytherepublican.com

In Which All Squares Are Ovals

March 26th, 2009 3 comments

Not all Christians are assholes.  I pretty sure that I’ve said this before.  I know some very nice, kind, caring Christians.  Every year, it’s the churches that organize an MLK breakfast.  The woman down the street works in a food pantry and puts in time bettering the community.  I’d say, all told, that there are more nice Christians than not.  In my own odd way, I believe in the goodness of people.  Sadly, these are not the people that immediately jump to mind when many people (note the qualification) think of Christians.

They think of assholes like James Dobson.  They think of dickheads like Rod Parsely.  They think of absolutely losers like Jimmy Swaggart.

If there is a Hell then under the guidelines, I will be there and I will have many, many conversations with many, many Christians who will no doubt be shaking their heads as to how they got there.  It seems that no matter how many times you try to explain that telling other people that they’re going to Hell doesn’t mean you’re going to Heaven, they just don’t get it.  They also don’t seem to understand that Jesus didn’t preach that the way to Him was distorting the truth – AKA: Lying.

If I remember it correctly, there are sins of omission and sins of commission.  A sin of omission is failure to do what one can and must do.  Thus, Ted Haggard committed a sin of omission when he bought speed and had sex with a male prostitute.  A sin of commission is to know something is wrong and do it anyway.  Thus, James Dobson and his buddies knowingly and willingly tell lies in the name of Jesus.  These lies projectile vomit out of the mouths of their deluded followers.  People like this fine, caring xtian.

You may know a lot of atheists who help, but they are not the majority

Understand, they are taught that you cannot be moral without being a Christian.  I have heard someone say that homosexuals are more prone to murder because they have no morality.  They can kill and not feel anything.  I wish I was kidding.  And so, all atheists are homosexual sociopaths.

This is the way xtians survive to fill their coffers and preach their vision of the hateful Jesus.  In their view, extrapolation equals logic.  Thus, if Barney Frank calls Justice Antonin Scalia a homophobe what he’s actually saying is that any American that voted on a state Defense of Marriage law is a homophobe.  Which is not only stupid but a sin of commission.  xtian “leaders” knowingly and willfully took a satircal piece about a homosexual uprising, stripped out the prologue that explained

This essay is an outré, madness, a tragic, cruel fantasy, an eruption of inner rage, on how the oppressed desperately dream of being the oppressor.

and claimed it was the blueprint for the homosexual agenda.  Seriously.  When you hear someone claim that “I am holding a copy of the homosexual agenda in my hand” that’s what they’re referring to -  a satirical newpaper column in a gay paper.  (And I”m desperately trying NOT to make a joke about what’s in their other hand…OOPS)

It should be fairly obvious that these people are not Christians.  They are xtians.  Like the early Catholic Church, they are not about Jesus.  They are about earthly power.  I’m not even sure that they understand what they’re doing.  I do know, however, that Jesus wouldn’t have lied to spread lies about people he didn’t like.

See ya in Hell!

In Which I’ll Say Something Nice-ish About christcons

December 29th, 2008 No comments

Oh, OneNewsNow.com!  Not only does your URL sound stupid but you’re quickly approaching WorldNetDaily as my favorite christo-fascist “news” site.  Really “One News Now”?  What does that even mean?  As opposed to multiple news whenever you want?  “One” is in “jesus is the One” or as in the Orleans song “Still the One”?  Or like the anagram of Neo from The Matrix?  Back to the drawing board for a new name, fellas.  You can always write a re-direct.

I thought I’d written about this but I guess maybe not.  On 12/18/08, the wonderfully moral truthtellers over there put out a story called “Obama planning billion-dollar ‘bailout’ for abortion industry” that contained the follow suspect paragraph

Last week, the Obama-Biden Transition Project posted a report on its website that calls for dramatic policy reversals on abortion, including $1 billion in taxpayer money for international abortion groups like Planned Parenthood. The report, titled “Advancing Reproductive Rights and Health in a New Administration,” also calls for a 133-percent increase in funding for the Title X program, which funds Planned Parenthood clinics across the country.

Really?  A $1b bailout just like they did for the banks and the auto industry?  Shocking!  Obama probably posted it himself, right?  He just loves dead pre-borns.

Naturally, it’s got almost nothing to do with Obama.  It’s a third-part position paper advocating for reproductive rights.  You’ll also notice that the bit talking about “on  its website” links to change.gov and not the actual report itself.  Mostly, because if they linked to the report itself John And Mary Godliness would know right off the bat it’s far less ominous done-deal than it sounds.  Imagine if someone had posted a position paper called “Foreign And Domestic Terrorism: Peace Through Free Ice Cream” on bush’s pre-inaugural website and claiming that’s what he’d do.

In one of those acts of futility I engage in occasionally, I wrote to the “editor” (which you may or may not call “god”) to point out that, as christians, jesus wouldn’t much care for misdirection/ends justify the means kinda thing.  Oddly, I didn’t hear back from them and the article remains on the web.

So, imagine my surprise when my daily digest came in with the following title, “Abortion industry asks Obama for billions in funding“.  Even more surprising was the following paragraph

Over 50 pro-abortion groups have submitted a 55-page wish list called “Advancing Reproductive Rights and Health in a New Administration” to the incoming Obama administration. Jim Sedlak of American Life League’s (ALL) Stop Planned Parenthood, or Stopp International, has tallied the cost.

Huh?  Wow.  I don’t mean to take credit but they actually reported the story correctly and characterized the report as a “wish list”.  Even the title reeks of…um…lack of hyperbole.  So it seems somewhat uncharitable to carp about repeating the story (albeit, correctly).  However, they still, for some [sarcasm] unknown reason [/sarcasm] won’t link directly to the report and declining to even link to change.gov.

Still, good for them.  Baby steps.  Perhaps one day they’ll get to the part where god gives us free will to make our own decisions and that only he can sit in judgment of them.

Maybe.