In Which I Reflect On A Decade

May 19th, 2013 No comments

I’m not going to say I’m done because 1) I’ve already said that and 2) I may find a reason to dust him off in the future. But BBN no longer matters to me. As I’ve said before, this is 95% on me. I”m just not a hustler. It’s also just not a commercially viable character, as least as I envision it. The chances of making anything happen even as Fox News and Brietbart get more and more defacto racist approach infinity. Bottom line – when you have a “fan base” of 5000 and you can’t even raise $40/mo to pay for a Blog Talk Radio show that pulled in 1000 offline listens per show, you have to step back and go for a straight cost/benefit analysis. Which takes about 5 seconds to complete.

It’s not a reflection on my talent. I’m confident in that. It’s more about feeling tired of banging my head against a wall. I dislike comedy clubs for the most part. I don’t like hanging around and making idle chatter with people whose comedy sucks.

True story.

There was a comic who honestly, honestly sucked. Simply not funny. But he showed up almost every night to the club and sucked up to the owner and, viola, he’s made “comic of the month”. I ran the website for the same club and dutifully helped put chairs and tables away after my gigs and had to beg for stage time.

A comic told me, “you want everything handed to you.” And, to be honest, I guess there’s a certain aspect to that. However, if you go by Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours thing, I put in my time. The problem is – I don’t boast about it. I wrote and produced a one-minute podcast Monday-Friday for more than a year on Shelley The Republican. I’ve also done more than 600 hour long radio shows, 212 videos and a couple dozen songs. The body of work is not insubstantial.  Oh, I almost forgot the punchline – I had this comic on my radio show twice. This same comic never once asked me to be on the show he booked.

The writing on the wall came the day I was asked to do a free  show because it was Halloween and the  booker was trying to come up with comics who wore costumes.

It’s not that I haven’t done favors for people. I just did them for the wrong reason – aka: I didn’t do them to call them back in. They were gestures of friendship, which, if anything, shows that I suck at choosing friends.

So, what’s next?

For the moment, I’m happy as part of a collective of people, like me, who don’t fit the mold and want to do something different. I’m not going to gain any wealth or fame from it. There’s not a chance of that. We all work together in a way that comic’s simply can’t do. It’s truly a hobby in a way that, sadly, I can’t look at BBN as.

Lastly, if you ever sent a couple of bucks to paypal or bought the CD, thank you. You are the reason it went as long as it did. Without the love of people who chipped in, even once, I would have folded up a long time ago.

If you ever typed the word “genius” or “brilliant” and never bothered to contribute – fuck you.

Link Love
Categories: Navel (Gazing At) Tags:

In Which Facebook Is Not A Right

April 28th, 2013 No comments

Recently, some idiot started whining about a conspiracy theory to shut down his freedom of speech on Facebook. Let me be clear – I vaguely know about this guy from other people but I’ve never followed him, barely read him and know nothing really about him. In short, I’m staying ignorant about it but for a good reason.

The ironically named, Low Genius, claims that “liberal” sites have conspired to shut down his Facebook page. Except it’s not shut down. His account got a thirty day ban. I’m not exactly sure why nor do I really care. I recently came off a seven day ban. My next ban, should it come, will be thirty days. Yes, it’s a pain in the ass but it’s the price you pay for voicing your varnished and unvarnished opinions. (I got a twenty-four hour ban for non-hyperbolically  saying, “I disagree with you”. Srsly.) I’m sure this happens on left-leaning pages, too, but many extreme right pages will cut off your ability to comment if you voice opposition to them or correct an outright lie. Many politically motivated people use the report button on Facebook as a weapon. It’s not right and I’m in no way defending this, having been on the other end of it.

Let’s take a moment to get some definitions correct.

A “site” refers to a website that you personally own and operate. You pay a service provider money. You admin your site. It belong wholly to you. You are the king of it.

A “blog” refers to a blogging service such as WordPress.com or blogger.com. These are free services although you can upgrade your service for a fee. The big point is that you are not in control of the service. You sign a terms-of-service agreement and that leaves you vulnerable to those who may disagree with what you post. Piss enough people off and you’ll get booted. This happens neo-Nazi and jihadist sites. It also happened to Baptists For Brownback, one of the funniest satire sites that I’ve ever read.

A “page” refers to a Facebook page (or Google+ page, if you swing that way). This is a free service. You sign a terms-of-service agreement and that leaves you vulnerable to those who may disagree with what you post. Piss enough people off and you’ll get booted. The big danger on Facebook is when you comment on other pages. Get some fanatic who thinks you’re Satan incarnate for calling him an idiot and it’s pretty simple for him/her to take revenge by reporting you. I honestly don’t know what the rules for timeouts are. I know that I’ve been through several of them and, honestly, I’ve deserved a few of them.

I said that I don’t know anything about Low Genius except what he told me. The biggest fallacy he operates under (outside of his page being taken down…it’s not…he just can’t post to it) is that Facebook is a website. In one of the numerous emails he sent to me, he tried to make that case that his page being down (aka: not being able to post) or having his comments removed from opposition pages is the same thing as a service provider removing content from someone’s website. It’s a cute argument and, if you take away the part where it’s free and you signed a terms-of-service agreement that puts you at the mercy of Facebook and those who moderate it, it might work. But…it’s free and you signed a terms-of-service agreement that puts you at the mercy of Facebook and those who moderate it.

Rightly or wrongly, Facebook doesn’t give a shit about your “free speech” nor does it have to. When you sign up for Facebook, you’re signing your right to free speech away. That’s not to say you can’t say whatever you want. You can. But if it gets taken down because someone reported you, you don’t get to whine about censorship. Why? Because when you sign up for Facebook, you’re signing your right to free speech away. Facebook is a business. It’s not America. Facebook dictates the rules to you and doesn’t care if you don’t like them. The best you can do in that circumstance is to get a hold of Facebook and plead your case. In Low Genius’ case, it’s that there is an evil cabal of liberals that are OUT TO DESTROY HIM AND TAKE AWAY HIS FREE SPEECH.

I hope I’ve written this well enough for you to see where it’s going.

Low Genius’ free speech has not been taken away. He still has it. Granted, for the next thirty days, he can’t use Facebook as a soapbox. He might, however, use his Google+ account…or his website…or MySpace…or Reddit or any number of other services that allow communications with other people. Put another way – John Henry is not in a dark dungeon somewhere with a blindfold and ballgag in his mouth.

I don’t need to know the topic or political bent of John Henry because it’s not important. The Facebook TOS governs Facebook. If you don’t like it, get off of Facebook. But don’t whine about your free speech getting taken away when you’re not paying for the service to begin with.

IRONIC POSTSCRIPT – Early this morning, I posted on John Henry’s Google+ account. In the process of checking the address for it I found out that (and I hope you’re sitting down) he’s blocked my access to it. HE’S STIFLING MY FREE SPEECH!!!

Link Love

In Which They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

April 9th, 2013 No comments

I’m on record as stating that Rick The Dogboy Santorum will be the 2016 GOP nominee should he decide to run. It’s his turn. At the heart of the GOP lies a rigidity to the rules that never does it service. Thus, since Santorum came in 2nd in 2012, he gets the nod in 2016 just as Romney (despite being the worst possible candidate) got the nod for coming in 2nd in 2008.

Ricky’s already spilling his political seed in Iowa, laying the groundwork for his dogged adherence (get it??) to some 12th century vision of a perfect world where no one is gay, sex is only for pro-creation and witch burnings happen every Tuesday in the town square.

“I’m sure you could go back and read stories, oh, you know, ‘The Republican Party’s going to change. This is the future.’ Obviously, that didn’t happen,” Santorum told the Register. “I think you’re going to see the same stories written now, and it’s not going to happen. The Republican Party’s not going to change on this issue. In my opinion, it would be suicidal if it did.

The Republican Party needs to kill itself. I think a lot of Republicans understand this. The real story of the Obama Presidency looks like how the GOP finally destroyed itself on its socially conservative rhetoric. It turns out that allowing gays to serve openly in the military didn’t bring about The Rapture. John and Jane Q. Public know that. Perhaps, when DADT still reigned, they thought it might. But it didn’t. It’s not that the Republican bosses lied to them about toads falling from the skies if DADT got lifted. It just didn’t happen.  Even Grandma and Grandpa Q. Public realize that, while it might make them physically sick (or aroused) to imagine the marital bed of two husbands or two wives, it’s really not their business and, anyway, that gay couple down the street always smiles and says hello.

Santorum and the other self-flagellators of the GOP represent the end of the line. Yes, the GOP as it stands today will continue to blather on about gays and abortion and God and guns. They may even damage the economy again with their instance that giving money to the wealthy makes they poor richer. But once Santorum and Rubio and Cantor get reverently tucked into their transports to Heaven and buried in the ground, this strain of legislating God’s Will™ via Republican policies goes back up to Heaven where it belongs.

The Religious Right had a really good run. They convinced otherwise sane people that God voted Republican and that Democrats only cared about the government financing their lifestyles of drugs, sodomy and bestiality. With the gay marriage debate and Sandy Hook, that script got retired. Say what you will about us, but Americans don’t want their children shot. If there’s a way to prevent that, we will find it. Anyone who gets in the way becomes a casualty. My guess is that any GOP House member that opposes some kind of gun control, no matter how mild mannered, will find a 2014 Democratic opponent plastering his face all over the district with the words “Child Killer” across his forehead. Any Democrat that doesn’t use a no-vote on gun control against a Republican opponent deserves to lose.

GOP: Background checks hurt our freedom!
Dem: So no background checks.
GOP: None!
Dem: So a terrorist operative can walk in off the street and buy an AR-15.
GOP: Er…
Dem: And a paroled murderer can pick up a Glock at a gun show and kill his prosecutor.
GOP: Um…
Dem: So no background checks.
GOP: Er…go back to Russia?

I used to think that its fiscal policies would kill the GOP and the Occupy movement would stir us up to reject this trickle-down bullshit once and for all. I’m not so sure anymore. Americans, while still overwhelmingly profess to believe in Jesus, find themselves looking at GOP social policies and asking, “Would Jesus really do that? Cuz I’m pretty sure that He wouldn’t.”

Organization like Christians Tired of Being Misrepresented have sprung up to reclaim God from the stranglehold the GOP put on Him. Their message is simple and clear – GOD judges, not the GOP.  They may consider America a Christian nation, but they understand that all Americans aren’t Christian nor should they be. In their paradigm, God gave his “children” free will. “Free Will” doesn’t not mean turning the Bible in House Bill #1. You make your choices. You die. God judges you.

Jesus, I’m told, died for my sins. I hope the GOP will, too, and whether that’s by suicide or crucifixion doesn’t really matter to me.

Link Love

In Which I Write To Michelle Malkin

March 25th, 2013 No comments

Dear Ms. Malkin,

I was just reading the comments on your Facebook hatefest about Jim Carrey and I have a question. Before you answer, though, please read through a few

Joe Hebert- Hypocrites must absolutely hate the internet!!!
Faith Hisgen – I never liked carry anyway never saw a single movie he was ever in and would never want to he sucks as an actor … just makes me like him even less now!!
Pete Ayers – we the people put these filthy rich elitist scums where they are today and in turn they want to dictate us , screw you holly wood politicians ………

And, of course, my favorite

Frances Hollander – I’m so sick of Hollywood ignorance trying to ME what’s right!

Here’s my question – Are you actually proud that your job consists of throwing red meat to ignorant assholes that can barely put two words together, let alone turn those words into some sort of complex thought?

Almost every single comment comes to down to “FUCK JIM CARREY”. Personally, I find him annoying, but it’s one thing to say that and another to start a bonfire in the middle of the town square and to shout, “I THINK JIM CARREY  SHOULD BE THROWN ON THIS BONFIRE, DON’T YOU??”

I know you make a pretty good living as a hate monger. But do you ever look at your children as they giggle away at Ace Ventura – Pet Detective and wonder if it’s worth it?

Link Love

In Which I Write An Open Letter To Bryan Fischer’s Producer

March 4th, 2013 No comments

Hey buddy!

Y U keep deleting my comments on ur fb page, huh? Oh. Right. Because pointing out egregious lies and innuendo makes me anti-God. Sorry about that!

See, it’s just that the Jesus that I grew up with had this weird thing about the truth. He was for it. So when your boss, Bryan, ejaculates into Focal Point the mic about how gays and Muslims will allow NO dissent WHAT…SO…EVER and then goes on to praise CPAC for not inviting Christ Christie to the hate rally because he’s not ideologically pure enough…well, the Jesus I grew up with calls bullshit. And, even though I no long believe in Jesus, I haven’t stopped believing in the truth. I still have a fondness for him in my heart despite your efforts to turn him into a gun-totin’, libertarian he-man who punches fags in the mouth and sucker punches liberals.

You left a sweet response to someone saying that my accounts were only created for harassment.  Given that, let me tell you a quick story about this other guy who people found harassing.

Seems that in “olden days” these businessmen were in the public square doing what businessmen do – business. So this freak comes up and starts yelling at them to get out and they’re like, “DUDE, CHILL. We’re just doing business here like we always have. What’s your problem??” And the freak says, “you guys are in my dad’s house and he doesn’t like it” and the businessmen are like “DUDE, stop harassing us” and the freak starts screaming about truth and duty and honor and the businessmen are like, “whatever” so they leave.

I’m not gonna lie. I enjoy debunking your bullshit. There IS no biblical mandate for marriage in the Bible and the only reference you can come up with is a passage about divorce. That’s called a lose. You’re pulling your hair out because you think the Emergency Manager Law in Michigan acts as the precursor to the fascism. You’re right. And when I point out that the governor and legislature that enacted that bill both pay allegiance to the GOP, you delete and ban me. When I make a completely factual statement that if you obeyed the 9th Commandment your show would be two minutes long – you banned me. When you post a “prayer” asking for God to

“Remind us not to be alarmed when we hear of wars and rumors of wars, of nation rising against nation, of kingdom rising against kingdom, or when we hear of famines and earthquakes in various places” and then start pissing yourself because Iran might have a nuclear weapon, you’re acting like a fucking idiot and you deserve to be called out on it. NOT to harass you, but to help you see this little thing that Jesus called “the truth”.

And the truth is that you’re a fucking idiot. Any rational reading of the Bible runs counter to pretty much everything you say.

But it’s more than just your idiocy. It’s your blatant cowardice. To wit –

Grant us courage so that we may be willing, if necessary, to be persecuted and hated because of you.

Now you’re saying I’m harassing you…let’s even say persecuting you. This prayer make you look like a whiny little douchebag that plays with dolls. You’re asking God for the courage and then immediately go into your Chris Crocker impression crying LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOOOOONE and furiously pounding the delete key.

Did I call you a douchebag yet? Damn, I did.

Here’s the thing – you claim Jesus hung on cross in unbearable pain to make you clean. Man up and start acting like he gives you strength instead of running away like the little bitch-boy you are.

Link Love

In Which White People Can’t Keep Their Grubby Mitts Off Anything

March 1st, 2013 No comments

IMG_1725

Anti-Rock: The Opposition To Rock ‘n’ Roll isn’t, per se, about how white people stole rock and roll from the blacks who created it but the theme runs strong through the book. As with most things American, the original art form scares the living bejesus out of John and Mary Whitebread so steps must be taken to either kill it or to suck out what makes it great. I mean, really? Pat Boone??

The lobotomizing of rock began when white men started fraternizing with the help. This isn’t a bad thing but, sadly, rather than hang out at the help’s houses they grab their food and anything that’s not nailed down and take it to our own houses where the help is not welcome. It’s not that they wouldn’t invite them into their  homes but…ya know…society is so cruel and maybe one day that will change but…until then, keep your eyes on the prize, proud, noble, black people!

Public Enemy got into a shitload of trouble with the lyric

Elvis was a hero to most
But he never meant, shit to me you see
Straight up racist that sucker was
Simple and plain
Mother fuck him and John Wayne

But this is what they talking about.

“HUH? Elvis Presley didn’t write Hound Dog?”

No. No, he didn’t.

“But Elvis was a champion of black music! He loved black people!!”

I’ve heard arguments that Elvis did black people a lot of good by stealing songs from black people. I think Big Mama Thorton would disagree with that. Again, back to Public Enemy

Most of my heroes don’t appear on no stamps

The plot goes like this – you get white people “discovering” rock and roll. The parents get outraged over their kids listening to “nigger music” even if it’s performed by white people. The “good music” industry tries to literally kill rock and roll but, in the end, it’s too profitable so they allow it to live.

Kind of.

What they actually do is take Little Richard, straighten his hair, bleach him white, put a suit on him and nail his feet to the floor so he can’t move. Then they attach their names to the songs he wrote and take his money. It’s enough to make you quit rock and roll. Which Little Richard did for a time.

More insidiously, you replace Alan Freed, who truly loved rock and roll and played the original black versions of songs, with some smiling zombie like Dick Clark. This industry did this on purpose and Dick Clark knew what he was doing. The industry invented a payola scandal and pinned the blame of Freed. Payola, of course, existed well before rock and roll and Clark took his fair share of it. But, not so oddly, Congressional hearings at the time believed Clark when he shunted away owning a stake in the music he was pushing as simply “promotion” and condemned Freed for accepting money from the industry that was behind his own prosecution.

Clark came away smelling like a rose because he was so boring and drenched in industry-approved deodorant that his shit literally didn’t stink. The government continued to hound Freed until he drank himself to death.

Read that again – “The GOVERNMENT continued to hound Freed until he drank himself to death.

Yes, the government. Freed spent his last years simply trying to cobble together a living as the IRS continue to break down his door demanding back taxes on the over-inflated amount of payola they accused him of taking.

Obviously, Dick Clark won because now we have Justin Beiber.

But the extent of the victory, the sheer Genghis Khan devastation of rock may shock  you and, hopefully, make you weep.

Rock and Roll started as black music. Budding white rock and roll bands knew this, covered the originals and sometimes did a great job. But what’s the end effect? I did a very unscientific poll with my Facebook friend asking, “When you think of rock and roll, who or what band first pops into your head?”

With the exception of two people, everyone thought of a white band. There was one black guy that said Jimi Hendrix and a white woman that said Chuck Berry.

Such is the extent of the theft of rock and roll that black rockers like Lenny Kravitz, Fishbone and Living Color prove the exception rather than the rule. And, to my shame, when Lenny Kravitz first came on the scene, my first thought (and I wasn’t alone) was, “black people don’t play rock and roll! What the fuck?”.

While this book focuses on rock and roll, the pattern shows itself in jazz. How do you go from Louis Armstrong to Glen Miller? When you hear “jazz” what first pops into your head?

Thus far, rap/hip hop seems to have broken this pattern. But let’s remember it took MTV seven full years to recognize rap and, if I recall, Blondie’s horrible “Rapture” got play before actual rap music did. But despite the Beastie Boys, Vanilla Ice and Eminem, rap manages to keep it roots intact.

So maybe that’s progress.

Link Love

In Which I Write An Open Letter To Ingrid Schlueter

February 19th, 2013 No comments

Hey girl!

First off, let me apologize for sounding so harsh in that last post.

Ingrid’s xtian Mockery

 On second thought, I take that back. You’re a miserable excuse for a human being. I keep trying to feel something other than disgust for you and every time I get close, I think about the hundreds of hours you spent trashing other people because you enjoy it. Perhaps Vic taught you how to hate. That excuse works for a little while. But you read (or profess to read) this thing called “The Bible aka “the inerrant Word of God”. As some point in your adult life, one would think you’d scratch your head and say, “hm…I don’t think Dad’s reading this thing right. This whole Matthew 25:31-46 seems to run contrary to what we’re doing here and sounds like I’m headed for eternal torment.” Why haven’t you thought that?

Because VCY is a cult and you’ve been brainwashed. Your dad, Vyc…err…Vic, “who has no pastor and has never belonged to a church as a member in his life” created his own version of Christianity that bears no relation at all to what Jesus preached. None. Period. Somehow you seem to cling to the basic tenants of a belief system so easily twisted into the exact opposite of what it means.

“Our Kids Are Being Conditioned To Accept This Lifestyle”

That’s your dad doing what he does best – exposing his own agenda by trashing other people’s agendas. “Interesting”, as Vyc…errr…Vic, might say. We agree on one thing: You’re father is evil. But your reaction is complete Stockholm Syndrome: VYCAmerica can be saved. Think about that. You want to save something built by someone evil. Maybe you’re too far gone to understand that. Do you honestly believe that, even if you could kick Vyc off the board, anything would change? Your dad set himself up as the pope. It’s his vision and that vision has nothing to do with Jesus and everything to do with some fucked up agenda created in his fevered, fear-driven head. Kicking him off the board has no effect on the “world view” of VYCAmerica.

Let’s talk about John 4:18 – perfect love casts out fear. Does that sound like VYCAmerica? Did you actually listen to yourself in your headphones? Almost every word broadcast over the airwaves of VYCAmerica radiates fear. Do you remember that interview you did with Howse?

Brannon Hates Himself And You Should, Too

You fell for this bullshit. That’s why Brannon became such a superstar and the spawn of evil that Papa Vyc always wanted. And, like your daddy, he’s a brilliant liar

Brannon Doesn’t Want You To Fall Into The Cult of Personality

I’ve actually called him (and your daddy) out on the air before. You know how you push the lie about “czars” proving that Obama is a communist? The communists overthrew the czars. They are the polar opposite of the czars. Brannon wouldn’t back down. He was wrong as are all xtian wingnuts about this. Brannon, if you listened to this clip, says he’ll apologize. He didn’t. He won’t. Why? Because he’s training to be take over the cult. This isn’t about God or Jesus. This is about fact and fiction. This is about truth. Truth does not exist in the VYC world. And you want to try to save that world? You want to try to save a world that shatters the 9th Commandment on an hourly if not minute by minute basis?

No, Ingrid. The only way to stop the insanity and free yourself is to get their license taken away. You need to destroy VYCAmerica. You know exactly how to do it.

You also need take a good long look at yourself and apologize for the damage you’ve done to the people you’ve harmed in your complicity. You need the blog post that you’ve avoided writing. Not the blog post trashing your dad but the blog post  apologizing for your role in spreading, not “perfect love” but perfect hate and fear via your dad’s cult.

Take a page from the family of Fred Phelps. Speak out against it. Humble yourself before God.

Or just pretend that it’s a personal matter between you and your dad. Which is probably what you’ll do because, ya know…brainwashing.

Your pal,

Paul

Link Love

In Which All The Whos Down In Whoville All Cry “Boo Hoo”

February 18th, 2013 No comments

I’ve spent a lot of time and digital space detailing the outright lies and hatred spewed by VCYAmerica. They embody the worst of what xtianity is – personal pettiness, snark and hypocrisy hiding behind a religion that does not promote that. VCY, effectively, started its own religion with Vic Eliason as god and everyone else bowing and scraping before him. Need a quick example? During the height of the Larry Sinclair bullshit, callers would beg VCY to “investigate” it. Vic refused. Frankly, I was shocked. Vic?? Acting morally?? JK! He bought in hook, line and sinker to Kenyan, atheist, socialist, communist, muslim, blah blah blah. I pretty sure that the only reason he didn’t pick up the Sinclair bullshit is because it would involve the word “penis” and since God only  made a penis to procreate or for a homo to fuck a little boy with, well…best to let those things alone. After all – this show is about GOD.

One thing that made VCY particularly frightening is/was the family aspect of it. Vic’s daughter, Ingrid Schleuter, was on staff, sending people who disagreed with her to Hell with the same vehemence and hatred as her Daddy. More, sometimes. He raised her well. Mormons = evil. Harry Potter = evil. Yoga = evil. Everyone who deviated from her proscribed ethical circle = evil. SHE knew good Jesus from bad Jesus and she would NOT be silenced on the subject. Rick Warren, you miserable bastard! That you would even consider allowing Obama in the front door of your “church” meant you worked for the devil. End. Of. Story.

Awhile ago, Vic turned on the spawn he created with his p-p-penis and fired her. Yeah, who coulda seen that coming? Then, because Jesus would have, they started trashing each other. Even better, Vic started sock puppetting on various blogs, trashing his daughter. And now, Ingrid shouts to the world that “Vic Eliason is evil“.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Listen up, Ingrid – you built this. The shit and bile that spewed out over the airwaves finally backed up. Where’s Jesus? You don’t know because you lost him decades ago choosing, instead to follow a path of hatred and politics that had nothing to do with him. Nothing. I have so much audio of you ripping apart your enemies like a feral dog, going for the throat and showing no mercy. What the fuck did you expect? Did you honestly think that Jesus (real or fictional) would put up with that? Did honestly think that bilking hicks out of their money for your radio Nuremberg rallies wouldn’t come back to bite you?
Year after year, you allowed the most ignorant statements to pass over the airwaves without one single syllable of protest.
Caller: After John Lennon said he was bigger than Jesus, he was shot six times
You: Well, you’ve got that right.
No. No, she doesn’t. She has that wrong. And you, you pathetic cunt, chose not the path of honesty but took a deep breath and consciously made a decision not to correct her facts. You knew that was a lie. You knew there was a loooooong period of time between bang-bang and bigger than Jesus. You also knew that correcting her negated your message of GOD KILLS EVERYONE YOU THINK SHOULD BE KILLED.
So, fuck you, Ingrid. I’d really like to have sympathy for you, but I can find none. Not one shred. I can’t even find empathy. I hate using this analogy, but it fits – it doesn’t matter how many Jews you killed or how badly you feel about it now. What matters is how happily and self-righteously you killed them. Your regret means nothing.
If I believed in Hell, I’d say you’ll end up there. But I don’t. Instead, your Hell is here on Earth and, honestly, I hope it never ends.
You worked hard for this moment, Ingrid. Sadly, I doubt you even have the self-awareness to understand that.
Link Love

Fuck you, Quentin Tarentino

February 17th, 2013 No comments

You might notice that this is probably the only post on this blog that doesn’t start with “In Which…”

THAT’S how pissed off I am after watching Django Unchained. I’ve seriously considered writing this in 36pt, ALL CAP, red, italic , bold, underlined font. THAT’S HOW PISSED OFF I AM.

Let me cut to the chase so you don’t get too bored…LIKE WATCHING THE LAST HALF HOUR OF DJANGO UNCHAINED.

Two hours and fifteen minutes into this  slightly more politically correct version of  Mandingo, there’s a pretty satisfying blood bath. Any other movie maker, after two hours and fifteen minutes,  would have the grace and good sense to wrap up the movie – kill the last bad guy and get the girl so that we can deposit the remnants of our soda, popcorn and cookie that cost more than one ticket to the movie did and go home. Not Tarantino.

Here’s how I think the script meeting played out.

Producer: Quentin, you’ve done it again!
Quentin: Yes. I know. I’M QUENTIN FUCKING TARANTINO, YOU ASSHOLE.
Producer: Ok. We’ll get this costed out and…
Quentin: FUCK!
Producer: What’s wrong?
Quentin: I DIDN’T WRITE A PART FOR MYSELF!!
Producer: Well…um…maybe you could do on of the…
Quentin: NO! I NEED A SUBSTANTIAL PART THAT’S INTEGRAL TO THE STORY!!
Producer: Um…you’re not re-writing this, Quentin.
Quentin: I’M NOT PLANNING ON RE-WRITING IT. I’M GOING TO TACK IT ONTO THE END.
Producer: Um…it’s two hours and fifteen minutes already and…
Quentin: I’M QUENTIN FUCKING TARANTINO, YOU ASSHOLE!! ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME? I USED TO WORK IN A VIDEO STORE!!!

And so, for no other reason than to extend the running time of a movie that should have run 90 mins, he wrote himself a part. Not just any part. But a part with an AUSTRALIAN FUCKING ACCENT. That he does poorly. Because he’s a LOUSY FUCKING ACTOR…EVEN USING AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

Ok. I feel a little better now. I’ll try to leave the caps lock alone…for a bit.

This movie is a PIECE OF SHIT. Oops. Sorry!

Let’s start at the beginning…and the end. Do you remember the opening and closing credits? Do you remember the song? Right – It was some kind of Sergio Leone homage tune. Ya know – westerns. Now – did you notice where the movie took place? If you said “the West” you’d be wrong. It took place in the South. The Western is a very specific genre with its own rules. What Fuckwad Tarantino (hereby referred to as FT) did was re-make Mandingo which is NOT a western. Why did he do that? Who the fuck knows. Seriously. I don’t think he could explain it. Why didn’t his producer say something? Again – who the fuck knows. I don’t know about you, but when I get set up to see a western and wind up watching Mandingo – Ima be a little pissed of. And guess what – I AM!

Before we leave the opening – we get some very nice fast-close up shots ripping off…errrrrrrr…paying homage to Sergio Leone. That’s called “setting the tone.” Did we ever see that kind of camera work again? No. No, we did not. It went into the same genre void as the music and the credits.

Ok – onto the next cinematic war crime. JIM CROCE?? (DARN, those caps lock.) Why. Ask yourself why. Did it add anything? No. Was it cleverly anachronistic? No. Can you think of any compelling reason to break up a very nice soundtrack with Jim Croce? Don’t get me wrong. I grew up listening to Jim Croce but, FT, I hate to break it to you – your 70’s film was called Reservoir Dogs. Either 1.FT’s ego has become so dangerous that he’s referencing himself in his movies (which he explicitly did at the end of this POS as the family  walked from the funeral) or 2….ok….there’s no other reason than the first one.

Let’s keep on music while we’re here. This movie, as I will continue to insist, is a remake of Mandingo and the “noble savage” blaxploiaton pictures. I don’t have a problem with that, really, but Tarantino wants to be thought of as a post-racial filmmaker. Really? Am I the only one that noticed that far too often with the bullets started flying…the soundtrack switched over to hip-hop? Cuz…ya know..black people…guns…hip hop. That jungle beat just drives those neg…oops, black people crazy. And that’s not a racist thing to say. It just does.

“But”, FT protests, “I’m not racist! I loves me them motherfuckers! Didn’t you see how I wasted five minutes showing what ignorant rednecks the KKK were? Wasn’t that FUNNEE?? How dare you say I’m racist?!”

Guess what, FT. The KKK didn’t exist until AFTER the Civil War. Your movie takes place two years before it starts. The KKK started as a social group and it went very, very, very wrong. Wanna read the original source material? It’s right here in KLAN: Killing America (and, yes, the caps are in the title…I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying reeeeeal hard). And if you need to spend five fucking minutes on hood jokes, then you are trying way too hard and sounding just a little more than defensive.

Oh, and, how old are you, FT? Brunhilda von SHAFT? Is this high school?

The worst cinematic war crime? I enjoyed the hell out Dr. King Shultz and Django. Crisp, clean, fun writing that kept you off balance. Christopher Waltz nailed the part from the first (non-Western) frame. Seriously. I’m in awe of this guy. But FT couldn’t step out of the way and just allow him to gracefully and playfully entertain us. Nope. just as you settled in and got comfortable with the movie, FT “bum rushes the show” (that’s a black term) and upstages everyone on the screen and (as I think I may have mentioned) torpedoing the rest of the movie with his FUCKING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

Remember how you felt the first time you saw Pulp Fiction and they wind up in Zed’s basement? I do. I felt totally disoriented and spent a couple of days trying work out how anyone on earth could have set up such an incredible transfer of power in such a short time. It was genius.

When was the last time this happened in an FT movie? It didn’t happen in Django Unchained. Even without FT constantly sabotaging his own film, it had the emotional impact of a limp hand shake. Any, and I mean ANY, impact this film had came from people shrinking from the graphic violence and not from personal relationships.

This movie is a cheat and a fraud. Fuck you, FT. I will never watch another of your movies again. I think you may have even tainted Pulp Fiction for me.

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In Which I Find A Pinky Lee Song That Embodies The 21st Century GOP

February 14th, 2013 No comments

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“Yoo hoo, it’s me,My name is Pinky Lee.” – Pinky Lee
“Everybody love as clown, so why don’t I?” – From “Shakes The Clown”

This post isn’t about Pinky Lee. I’m a little too young to have watched him, but oddly know the theme song. Probably because I haunt places like Kiddie Records. Kids’ record contain more clues to our culture than almost any other source. They represent inculcation at 45 or 33 1/3 rpm. I remember learning to tell time listening to a record. I remember some freakish morality plays, too, including bible stories “adapted” so that kids could understand them.

All written or performed material come with a bias. That’s the nature of creation. From Homer to pornography, the transmission of ideas from one person to another, by nature of the exchange, comes with an ideological and/or personal slant.

I don’t want to get too far off topic (or maybe I do – see what I did there?) but the reason for scripting in telemarketing or tech support calls springs from that paradigm. Some very well paid people sit in a room coming up with the magic word combinations that shorten call times by keeping the phone operator in control. Example – “How can I help you?” gives the power to the caller, allowing them to take off on a free form flight of fancy. Having the operator run through a list of yes or no questions right off the bat, signals the caller to STFU. Of course, those writing the script rarely take into account that such rigidity might piss off the caller.

Back to Pinky Lee.

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“The Silly Song” works as a brilliantly evil example of  NewSpeak inculcation put to music.

This is a silly song
A silly song
A silly song
It makes no sense at all

You can wait for the silly part of the song for as long as you want. It’s not coming. Not in the next verse. Not ever.

This is a happy song
A snappy song
Hand-clappy song
This is a silly song
It make no sense at all

Silly yet? Nope. We’re still treading water in the Sea of Yawns. What can we take from this so far? The listener is told to consider this silly song for the simple fact that the songwriter says it is. You might make the case that some sort of sly, subversive  meta-ness of writing a song that’s not silly and calling it silly exists. It doesn’t. Because then we get to the bridge or “the middle”.

It has no start
It has no end
It even has no middle
And if you should forget the words
You simply sing “hi deede diddle”

That’s kind of self-referentially  puckish you might think. But the tune is so dull and uninspired it couldn’t have been written that way on purpose. You can almost hear the songwriters yawning, “yeah – i guess that works. Oh, we’re out of scotch.”

Let’s stop for a moment for some compare and contrast. This kind of whacked-out meta song does exist and existed well before “The Silly Song”. The Hoosier Hot Shots’ This Is The Chorus” proves that.

The man who wrote this song was deaf, he couldn’t hear a note; this is the verse,
But he knew all the rules, he did, and that is why he wrote the first verse first.
The man who wrote the the lyrics was as crazy as a loon, so there’s nothing to this song but the tune.

This is the chorus of the song, this is the chorus you’re hearing now.
You make up the word as you go along, ’cause no one listens to the lyrics anyway.
Tralala, dumdeedum, if you want to, you can whistle or hum.
When you’re singing this song to your friends, just remember this is where the chorus ends.

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So the decision to write and record The Silly Song as something devoid of silliness was a choice.

Back to the boredom. A half-hearted attempt to inject some silliness via call and response falls flat on its face when one of the instruments chosen (and I put the emphasis on chosen because records don’t just happen) to do the response…is a bowed stand up bass. HILARIOUS! Of the myriad of instruments available to them they chose possibly the least funny one. Don’t feel badly if you can’t hear it. I had to listen a few times, too.

The song goes on but nothing changes. There’s no clever twist or surprise ending, Just a mom or dad sitting next to the child saying, “wasn’t that so SILLY!”

And that’s the modern GOP. A party that expects you to believe something just because they say it. Supply-side economics demonstrably fail. Giving the rich tax breaks do not increase jobs. Taxing the top 1% is not the same thing as taxing the other 99%. Climate change actually exists. The vast majority of spending isn’t in social welfare programs. You don’t shrink the size of government by outlawing abortion and creating agencies to insure pregnancies get carried to term.

The Silly Song is NOT a silly song. It doesn’t matter who says it is or how often they say it. In fact, it’s possibly the dullest fucking song ever written. Anyone who thinks it’s silly should report to their job at the Ministry of Truth. The GOP agenda is NOT good for America. It doesn’t matter who says it is or how often they say it.

The choice is yours: Pinky Lee or The Hoosier Hot Shots.

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