Hbee Inc.

It’s snowing, huh?  It just took my 35 mins to get to Stop and Shop and 35 mins to get back.  Folks, let me be blunt – you’re just going to have to not drive like an asshole until the roads get clear.

It’s times like these when you have to seriously wonder about the portait of the US as a Christian Nation.  I’m not seeing it at all.  Galen St. is always hell to get through but today it’s damn near impossible.  What would Jesus do?  Run that red light and block traffic because as the Son of God He’s just a little more important than you are.

Here, then, are a few guidelines to completely ignore.

1)  Actually stop at a yellow light – In case you’re not paying attention, no one is going anywhere terribly quickly.  Not that anyone does (myself included), but you’re supposed to stop at a yellow light IF it’s safe to do so.  Running the yellow will most likely put you smack dab in the middle of the intersection and people will hate you.  Look at it this way – if you are rear-ended it’s the other guy’s fault.  Now is the perfect time to get rid of the car you’re driving and/or sue for whiplash.  AND you’ll have helped the traffic flow!

2)  DO NOT FUCKING RUN RED LIGHTS – Really.  I know that you THINK that it is your God-given right to make it through the current light cycle but it’s not and Jesus will hold a special place in Hell just for you.

3)  Park correctly – Perhaps you’ve noticed that it’s…what’s the word…slippery out there.  I know that snow is wet.  I know that you’re made of rice paper and will literally disintegrate should you get wet, but that’s why God made coats and umb-er-ellas (ellas – ellas -ellas).  Double parking or parking curbside just screws everything up.  So when you park where you should be driving the people who are driving have to swerve around you.  This leads to accidents.  Suck it up and risk the elements.  This is New England.  You’re supposed to be hardy.

4)  Use your turn signal – I will make you this solemn promise – If you are trying to make a left-hand turn and you are using your turn signal I will go out of my way to let you get in front of me.  If, however, you just assume that I know what you’re doing, you’re screwed.  While I don’t hope that someone slides into the side of your car, honestly, you deserve it.

5)  Get off the goddamn phone – Hands-free or not, I saw three people blow through red lights while chatting on the phone.  Stop it.  You’re not that important.  If you were then someone would be driving you.

6)  On side streets, don’t block intersections – leave a space for folks trying to get to their houses.  There’s plenty of time to catch up the mile-long line of cars in front of you.  You’re not missing anything.  I promise.

7)  Give right on red a rest – do you really think that you’re going to just slip into traffic that way?

8)  Read -

This is the word “Exit”

This is the word “Enter”

When you see the word Enter it does not mean “Exit”.  When you see the Exit it does not mean “Enter”.  If you have any questions, email me and we’ll go over it.

That’s about it, I think.  Let’s be nice for a day or two.  Who knows?  It might be fun!

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