In Which I Post The Headlines
Like Tom Cruise, its tiny human counterpart, tiny North Korea jumped the couch in a desperate bid to have somebody pay attention to it by releasing a statement reading “ Pre-emptive strike is not the monopoly of the United States “. UN Ambassador, John Bolton, was unable to comment on the threat as he kept breaking into uncontrollable giggles, muttering “they’re so cute” and making vague references to dwarf bowling.
President bush kicked of the forth year of the Iraq War with a new campaign entitled “The Blankman Project” which will urge Americans to refrain watching, reading or listening to news until after the 2008 elections. In announcing the new campaign, bush said “the media– it’s – the news – the – they – media – not telling the whole – the media “, until Helen Thomas faked a heart attack to spare her fellow reporters further embarrassment.
Scandal rocked Natalee Holloway Industries when a rumor leaked out that 95% of the posts on the Blogs For Natalee forum were written by Beth Holloway Twitty and two members of her high school chess club who had a crush on her.
Major L. Tammy Duckworth, a paraplegic Iraqi war veteran, won the Illinois Democratic nomination to go up against Henry Hyde for his seat in the House of Representatives. Duckworth lost both legs in an accident where hordes of Iraqi children who were eager to enter the school she was building for them crushed her under their brand new
American sneakers that they couldn’t stop thanking American soldiers for. The Illinois Republican party issued a statement which read in part “We thank Major Duckworth for her service to this country. We have every confidence that she is not a cheap, slutty, drug taking, sadistic, chain smoking whore like other female soldiers such as Lynndie England.“
This just in, Ethel Frokopsian, a member of the Illinois National guard who served in Iraq, will soon issue a statement in which she claims that she was Major L. Tammy Duckworth’s lover during their tour in Iraq. Frokopsian claims that Duckworth is “a cheap, slutty, drug taking, sadistic, chain smoking whore like other female soldiers such as Lynndie England.“
In a break with tradition, Mitt Romney declined to acknowledge the anniversary of the Supreme Court ruling which graciously allowed adult Americans to use birth control without getting arrested. Romney, who told voters he was pro-choice during his gubernatorial campaign, had a well-timed change of heart as he considers running for president.
