Hbee Inc.

I’m still trying to figure out how they got my number in the first place.  It’s not like I’ve ever paid for pornography (at least not online and with a credit card).  There’s no reason for my name to be in the “Will Buy Porn Over The Phone” database.  Indeed, the last time they called I told them “no thanks” and (I thought) take my name off the list.  But I’ll admit that the dual instincts of consenting to have four volumes of Girls Gone Wild shipped to me aboslutely free just for taking a survey confilcted not only with the no-free-lunch paradigm but also the my-wife-would-kill-me paradigm.

When the guy (a black guy, probably 25 or so) started the pitch, it took me a minute to make sense of what he was saying.  After wrapping my head around the weirdness of talking about Girls Gone Wild over the phone to a stranger, I quickly recovered.

Girls Gone Wild Guy:  Mr. Day?

Me:  Yes?

GGWG:  I’m calling to offer you four volumes of Girls Gone Wild simply for taking a survey about your habits in regards to adult entertainment.

Me:  (Pause)  Huh?

GGWG:  We’re offering you four DVDs of our famous Girls Gone Wild series shipped to you for free if you’ll answer a couple of questions.

Me:  Girls Gone…You mean that…Wait.  I’m confused.

GGWG:  Nothing to be confused about, Mr. Day.  I ask you some questions about your viewing habits when it comes to adult entertainment, you answer them and I send you four Girls Gone Wild DVDs.  I mean, you do watch adult entertainment, don’t you, Mr. Day? 

His tone of voice indicates that he’s answered the question already.  Nobody says no to free Girls Gone Wild.

Me:  No.

GGWG:  (Slightly taken aback)  You don’t watch any adult entertainment at all?

Me:  No.

GGWG:  (Conspiratorily) You’ll forgive me, Mr. Day, if I…

Me:  (Genuinely)  Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savoir?

GGWG:  Yes, sir, I have.

Me:  Oh.  Because I didn’t know that Jesus liked porn.

GGWG:  Sir, this isn’t pornography, it’s -

Me:  I’ve seen the commercials.  If you’ve got naked girls kissing -

GGWG:  It’s not hardcore pornography, sir, it’s -

Me:  It’s still porn.  How do you reconcile the belief that Jesus died on a cross to save the world and the fact that you call strangers to hock pornography?  I couldn’t do it.

GGWG:  Sir, Girls Gone Wild does not -

Me:  So, you’re more than ok showing Girls Gone Wild during church services.

GGWG:  We don’t watch TV during church.

Me:  Ok.  How about during Social Hour afterwards?  The congregation would be ok with you setting up a Girls Gone Wild table next to the coffee pot?

GGWG:  Sir -

Me:  Really, I’m curious.  The understanding that I have with Jesus tells me that what you’re doing is sinful. 

GGWG:  What I do to make a living has nothing to do with my faith in Jesus.

Me:  See, that’s where you’re wrong.  Your faith in Jesus should lead you away from this kind of thing.  Your faith in Jesus should show you a path that allows you to live a moral life and spread the Gospel of His coming.

GGWG:  (A half-hearted, resigned laugh)  A man’s gotta make a living.

Me:  If your faith was strong -

GGWG:  (Testily) You don’t know me.  You don’t know nothing about my faith.

Me:  Yeah, I do.  If your faith was strong then you’d know that God provides all who believe in Him with what they need to get by in the world.  And that wouldn’t include selling pornography over the phone.  I’m pretty sure of that.

GGWG:  You have a good night, sir.

Me:  God bless you.

Hbee Uncategorized