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Dear Tom Cruise,

I know when you write this kind of thing you’re supposed to lie and say “I’m your biggest fan, so I hope you realize that…” and some such shit like that.  But I’m not.  Outside of Magnolia, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you act.  That’s not to say that my wife and pre-wife girlfriends didn’t drag me to your foul little films.  Sadly, I never carried a knife back when I was drinking so I couldn’t stab myself repeatedly to end the pain and suffering I endured.  That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I guess…or perhaps sucks out a small portion of your soul.

Instead, I’m going to put my cards on the table – You, sir, are a literal and figurative cocksucker.  I’ll take the lesser of the two first.

Tom, it’s not that the rumors of your gayness might not be founded in jealousy.  I freely admit that any of the untold numbers of people who hate you might stoop to the age-old he’s-really-a-faggot ploy.  You’re immaculately pretty but given that the caliber of most of your performances cause the ghost of Truman Capote to appear on Ouji boards all over the world to quip “that’s not acting, that’s typing”, one must assume you give a helluva a blowjob.

The major “tell”, as your fellow con men might say, is that you could have spent the rest of your life fucking Nicole Kidman and you chose not to.  This goes beyond sheer idiocy and into the realm of homosexuality.  Sorry.  That’s just the way it is.  I know it’s written down somewhere, but I’m too lazy to find the link.

No, no.  Don’t start with the “she wasn’t interested in Scientology and I had to dump her” bullshit.  You’re not talented enough to pull that lie off.  Plus, what kind of an idiot allows any religion to get in the way of spending the rest of your life fucking Nicole Kidman?  Answer: Nobody…unless he’s gay.

Which brings up the figurative cocksucking.  Reports now trickle out that you demanded that Comedy Central yank a rerun of South Park.  Why?  Because it disrespected Scientology.  Yes, you threatened to not promote your upcoming piece of shit Mission Impossible 3: Ultra Butch if the world was given a second chance to watch Trapped In The Closet.  And Comedy Central caved in. 

It’s common knowledge that during your Scientology “training” they require you to tell them your dankest, foulest secrets.  And then they write them down.  And put the notes in a vault marked “People Who Are Completely Fucked If They Try To Leave Scientology”.  So, naturally, something like “I sucked off Franco Zeffirelli for a bit part in Endless Love“…who’d want that on the cover of People Magazine?  It’s easier and better for your career to do a little lap-dog dance for your masters.

But, you coming out of the closet would be like a car taking a right at a red light after checking for oncoming traffic.  It’s only shocking if it’s NOT done.  So what’s the point?

Here’s the thing – I’ll be asking my friends, family and three readers to stay away from Mission Impossible 3: Ultra Butch.  You see, boycotts are American.  Dictating programming schedules (unless that’s your job) is not.  It’s called…what’s the term…oh, yeah – petulant whining.  I could understand going on Oprah, ripping the head off her body to use a sock puppet and launching into some diatribe about boycotting South Park and/or Comedy Central on the grounds of being hateful towards all religion.  THAT would make sense.  A press release might have been nice.  But using your “power” (at the behest of your own puppeteers) to personally censor a show?  Fuck you, fuck you and, again, I say, fuck you.  If I have my way Mission Impossible 3: Ultra Butch grosses $20,000 on its opening weekend and you never work again.

So, I hope your Thetans did whatever they were supposed to do by pushing your tiny little frame around.  Perhaps they let you fuck the decaying remains of L. Ron Hubbard himself!  That would be a treat!  You’ve single-handedly saved Scientology from the ridicule of Comedy Central viewers!  No one will see this episode again!

Unless, of course they download it from any of the hundreds of sites that spring up each hour.  Here’s a list of a few possibilities.

Here’s hoping that this will put the final nail in the coffin of a career that should have ended ages ago.  I’m sure Scientology will love you when you’re poor and homeless.  If there’s anything else I can do to help speed it along, please let me know.

Thanks,

Paul Day

PS – And I don’t even like South Park.

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