In Which I Post The Headlines
It’s been a while, I know.
In a follow-up to a story from January 12th, lawyers for Gwen Stefani have requested information from Livejournal.com to ascertain the identity of the blogger XX Ninth Grade Slut XX who, despite repeated cease and desist orders, continues to claim that Stefani is, indeed, a “Holla back girl”. Stefani lawyer, Cecil Q. Queerington-Jameson the Fourth, released a statement that read, in part, “We would obviously like to avoid a court trail, but if this base and baseless slander continues we will have no other choice than to proceed. Gwen Stefani is NOT and never has been a Holla Back Girl. To assert otherwise is patently false.” Queerington-Jameson the Fourth said that XX Ninth Grade Slut XX has until March 17th to delete relevant posts and issue an apology.
Lee Hae Chan resigned as Prime Minister of South Korea after it was revealed that he went golfing rather than working to avoid a national railway strike. Chan’s golfing partners included a businessman convicted of fixing flour prices and another businessman who picked up the sizable greens fees. Chan also went golfing in 2005 during a wildfire crisis and again during a monsoon. When asked for comment, White House Spokesweasal, Scott McClellan said, “What’s your point?”
In an earth-shaking step towards fulfilling the democracy forced upon them which left their country an embittered battle zone bordering on civil war, the 275-member Iraqi parliament was sworn in this afternoon…and left half an hour later. Reporters looking for comment from members of the House and Senate were informed that, given the beautiful day, they were all out golfing with K Street lobbyists.
In a move that stymied most of the free world, Jessica Simpson turned down the chance of “face time” with George W. Bush to advance her favorite charity, Operation Smile, which provides facelifts to the less fortunate throughout the world. When pressed for an explanation, Simpson said “I think it’ll serve my cause better if I could talk directly to the president.”
Melissa McGhee became the first of the final twelve to get voted off American Idol. Said McGhee “It’s been a wild, exciting time but I’m looking forward to eating again”.
Katherine Harris, whose portrait, tucked away in a musty trailer in the Everglades, ages every time she has plastic surgery, announced that she would continue her bid for the GOP nomination for US Senator despite the misgivings of the state party. “My daddy died and left me 10 million dollars and I’m buying this election come hell or high water!,” said Harris during a press conference. In a side note, three reporters who dared glance into her eyes were immediately turned to stone.
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