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In Which This Should Be A No-Brainer

February 24th, 2017 Leave a comment Go to comments

All 240 Family Christian Stores Are Closing

Really? All of them? Man, God must HATE them, huh?

Stop and think about what had to have happened here. If you listen to Crosstalk America or Focus on the Family, you probably know that Christian businesses are the most moral and best run businesses around. Capitalism is inherently moral because God is a capitalist. God wants you to get His message to the public, not only that but to becomes wealthy off of His heavenly merch table. Best of all – no royalties! Quote the bible? Free of charge! Got a new interpretation of the inerrant Word of God (the next apocalypse prediction is August 2017)? There are literally tens of thousands of people willing to pony up $14.95 plus shipping and handling to find out what God really meant when he said [insert bible quote here]. Golden calves are bad unless you can mass produce and turn a profit off of them.

But Family Christian stores went bankrupt selling Jesus merch. Dunno if you know this but God destroys cities with giant fetus shaped hurricanes for displeasing him. You’d think he’d cut the followers a break and soften the heart of creditors. Especially the Christian ones.

But 27 Christian publishers, including InterVarsity Press, Baker, Charisma Media, David C. Cook, and Abingdon Press, objected to the retailer’s restructuring plan, under which the chain would get to own $20 million worth of items bought on consignment “free and clear,” without paying the suppliers.

“You think I’m giving you $20m of free shit? What am I? A charity? Are you a Sanders supporter or something? Look. I like you. God likes you. You’re a good guy. But if you think I’m giving you 300 copies of “Pray Yourself Rich in 30 Days” you’re outta your fucking mind! …Yeah, I know they’d sell. My company is making a profit. But right now, you couldn’t make a profit selling Bibles to born-agains. In fact…YOU HAVEN’T…Sure, the “Lord will provide”. I’m not worried about “The Lord” right now. I’m worried about the guy at the bank who gets cranky when we’re late on the interest payments from the OTHER loan we gave you…Yes, the Lord helps those who help themselves and right now, you’ve already helped yourself to enough of my business and I am NOT my brother’s goddamn keeper.”

Or something like that.


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