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In Which CNN Has Fucked America

September 13th, 2011 No comments

(Note: This is a submission for The Pod Delusion.)

Folks, I hate to tell you this. I know this is an atheist and liberal leaning podcast and, really, it pains me to tell you this, but Jesus will be the next president of the United States. And not the historical meek and mild, turn-the-other-cheek Jesus. The Jesus that rips off your head and shits down your neck.. So…make plans now.  And even if you plan to risk it, start investing in bible companies. Or, better yet, wood and nail companies cuz there’s gonna be a whole lotta crucifying going on.

I don’t need to tell you that America is fucked. You already know that. Right-wing astroturf groups posing as Christian Patriots have, in the course of two years, changed the political map of the United States of America. It’s not that there’s a lot of them. It’s not that anybody honestly believes anything that say. How, then did they get to where they are? How did, as just happened in 9.12, what in any other time period of American History would have been termed a Republican Primary Debate for President of the United States, get advertised as a “Tea Party Debate”?

The answer is obvious yet not in an obvious way – Money.

When I say money, I don’t mean that the Tea Party drove a truck up to CNN in Atlanta and dumped a cargo of cash on their doorstep.  Not at all. Rather, CNN, whose ratings sleep with the fishes, needed some kind of sexy name to get people to actually watch it again. And so, in the name of profit, they handed legitimacy to a far right, nearly fascist group of Americans that want nothing more than to ship anyone who doesn’t buy into their vision of “freedom” off to work camps.  

You’re finding this hyperbolic, aren’t you.  You’re thinking that he’s just a whiny little liberal in the US that invested in a wood and nail company and wants a good return on his investment.  You’re only half-right

Consider one of the biggest of the Tea Party money making machines – Tea Party Nation. Tea Party Nation recently “published” an article on its Fibsite entitled “Conservative Socialists.” You read that right.  Conservative Socialists. What, exactly, is a conservative socialist? According to Tea Party Nation “They endorse the idea that we should silence people who do not agree with the party line..” It should be pretty obvious that the rest of the article calls for…well… silencing people who do not agree with the Tea Party line. Even a year ago, teabaggers wouldn’t dare to call other republicans “socialists.” They called them a lot of other names like RINO (which stands for Republican In Name Only. They might, on certain occasions, call them traitors. But to pull out the stops and treat them like Democrats portends  a show of force that…let’s just say there’s a beerhall involved. And it’s shitty American beer.

According to a Quinnipiac poll only 13% of US voters consider themselves teabaggers. Thus, CNN saw fit re-label a previously Republican debate to cater to a very small sliver of the populace.

Why?

Because the Tea Party means ratings. It means completely fucking insane individuals like Rick Santorum who compared homosexuality to man-on-dog sex. It mean Michelle Bachman who believes Congress people should have their loyalty investigated and tested. It mean Herman Cain who thinks all bills should be less than three pages long. It mean Ron Paul and his pack of sycophants applauding when he says a that the US doesn’t need to regulate the car companies because Americans know how to buy a safe car. It gives Newt Gingrich, as man who divorced two wives while they were in the hospital and prosecuted Bill Clinton for having an affair WHILE HE HIMSELF WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR any platform to speak at all.

In other words, this isn’t so much a debate as The Jersey Shore starring people with more education.  Please note, I didn’t say “smarter”.

CNN should be ashamed for whoring itself out so badly. But, they probably got paid well for it. Anyway, I stopped watching CNN when they became the Missing White Girl network with their coverage of an over-privileged white girl gone missing on a high-school graduation party in Aruba paid for by her divorced parents. CNN then disbanded the whole Headine News channel to make way for whole programs devoted to missing white girls. CNN is a cancer on America. Let me correct that. They’re not even important enough to be cancer. They’re cells that turn INTO cancer infecting the rest of the body of America.  In some backroom, Ted Turner sits smoking a cigar and masturbating to Jane Fonda work out tapes while toadies throw out ideas on how to keep him in VCRs. Frequently, an ejaculation can be followed by a YESSSSSSSSS and the next thing you know, the Republican debate becomes a Tea Party debate.

Two final ironies –

The first – when the Tea Party speaks of the Lame Stream Media, they mean CNN. CNN is the enemy. For CNN to rename the debate to suck up to people that hate them…that’s like Clarisse Starling from Silence of the Lambs naming her summer  home Chez Lecter. It doesn’t make sense.

Lastly, and the whole reason for this – Neither CNN nor the Democratic Party would ever in a thousand years agree to rename a Democratic Debate a “Green Party” debate. CNN would lose any credibility it had and the Tea Party (who they’d just swallowed for) would scream about liberal bias in the media. As it stands, the Tea Party does this with any positive mention of a Democrat. And the Democratic party – well, it has no balls left and barely means anything anymore.  The moment any pundit in America ties “liberal” and “democrat” together, the Democratic party crawls into its turtle shell and denies it.  They are so scared of the right’s continuing demonization of them they can’t even pass Universal Healthcare will full control of the government and the backing of the American people.

The problem in America today is NOT polarization, as many like to claim. It’s LACK of polarization. If Democrats ever grow their balls back (and I doubt they will) they would not only embrace the moniker “socialist” but actually tell the truth loud and clear that we are already a socialist country. How we, in the best Christian tradition, want to screw the poor while handing out four billion dollars in subsidies to oil companies that already make record profits and, in some cases, pay no taxes.  Obama claimed he would walk the picket line while he was campaigning but, when given the chance, demurred.  Unions, after all, are socialist and pictures of the President supporting something he clams to believe in…it may play to the base but why risk it? Meanwhile, over on the other side, Republicans embrace anyone with any crackpot theory with a voice loud enough to shout down a Congress person at a townhall meeting? You would like to think that if someone accepted the endorsement of a person claimed that God sent Hitler to get the Jews back to Israel, that candidacy would be over. You’re wrong. John McCain still went on to lose his shot at the office.

And that is why Jesus will be the next president of the United States.

Folks, I hate to tell you this. I know this is an atheist and liberal leaning podcast and, really, it pains me to tell you this, but Jesus will be the next president of the United States. And not the historical meek and mild, turn-the-other-cheek Jesus. The Jesus that rips off your head and shits down your neck.. So…make plans now.  And even if you plan to risk it, start investing in bible companies. Or, better yet, wood and nail companies cuz there’s gonna be a whole lotta crucifying going on.

I don’t need to tell you that America is fucked. You already know that. Right-wing astroturf groups posing as Christian Patriots have, in the course of two years, changed the political map of the United States of America. It’s not that there’s a lot of them. It’s not that anybody honestly believes anything that say. How, then did they get to where they are? How did, as just happened in 9.12, what in any other time period of American History would have been termed a Republican Primary Debate for President of the United States, get advertised as a “Tea Party Debate”?

The answer is obvious yet not in an obvious way – Money.

When I say money, I don’t mean that the Tea Party drove a truck up to CNN in Atlanta and dumped a cargo of cash on their doorstep.  Not at all. Rather, CNN, whose ratings sleep with the fishes, needed some kind of sexy name to get people to actually watch it again. And so, in the name of profit, they handed legitimacy to a far right, nearly fascist group of Americans that want nothing more than to ship anyone who doesn’t buy into their vision of “freedom” off to work camps.

You’re finding this hyperbolic, aren’t you.  You’re thinking that he’s just a whiny little liberal in the US that invested in a wood and nail company and wants a good return on his investment.  You’re only half-right

Consider one of the biggest of the Tea Party money making machines – Tea Party Nation. Tea Party Nation recently “published” an article on its Fibsite entitled “Conservative Socialists.” You read that right.  Conservative Socialists. What, exactly, is a conservative socialist? According to Tea Party Nation “They endorse the idea that we should silence people who do not agree with the party line..” It should be pretty obvious that the rest of the article calls for…well… silencing people who do not agree with the Tea Party line. Even a year ago, teabaggers wouldn’t dare to call other republicans “socialists.” They called them a lot of other names like RINO (which stands for Republican In Name Only. They might, on certain occasions, call them traitors. But to pull out the stops and treat them like Democrats portends  a show of force that…let’s just say there’s a beerhall involved. And it’s shitty American beer.

According to a Quinnipiac poll only 13% of US voters consider themselves teabaggers. Thus, CNN saw fit re-label a previously Republican debate to cater to a very small sliver of the populace.

Why?

Because the Tea Party means ratings. It means completely fucking insane individuals like Rick Santorum who compared homosexuality to man-on-dog sex. It mean Michelle Bachman who believes Congress people should have their loyalty investigated and tested. It mean Herman Cain who thinks all bills should be less than three pages long. It mean Ron Paul and his pack of sycophants applauding when he says a that the US doesn’t need to regulate the car companies because Americans know how to buy a safe car. It gives Newt Gingrich, as man who divorced two wives while they were in the hospital and prosecuted Bill Clinton for having an affair WHILE HE HIMSELF WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR any platform to speak at all.

In other words, this isn’t so much a debate as The Jersey Shore starring people with more education.  Please note, I didn’t say “smarter”.

CNN should be ashamed for whoring itself out so badly. But, they probably got paid well for it. Anyway, I stopped watching CNN when they became the Missing White Girl network with their coverage of an over-privileged white girl gone missing on a high-school graduation party in Aruba paid for by her divorced parents. CNN then disbanded the whole Headine News channel to make way for whole programs devoted to missing white girls. CNN is a cancer on America. Let me correct that. They’re not even important enough to be cancer. They’re cells that turn INTO cancer infecting the rest of the body of America.  In some backroom, Ted Turner sits smoking a cigar and masturbating to Jane Fonda work out tapes while toadies throw out ideas on how to keep him in VCRs. Frequently, an ejaculation can be followed by a YESSSSSSSSS and the next thing you know, the Republican debate becomes a Tea Party debate.

Two final ironies –

The first – when the Tea Party speaks of the Lame Stream Media, they mean CNN. CNN is the enemy. For CNN to rename the debate to suck up to people that hate them…that’s like Clarisse Starling from Silence of the Lambs naming her summer  home Chez Lecter. It doesn’t make sense.

Lastly, and the whole reason for this – Neither CNN nor the Democratic Party would ever in a thousand years agree to rename a Democratic Debate a “Green Party” debate. CNN would lose any credibility it had and the Tea Party (who they’d just swallowed for) would scream about liberal bias in the media. As it stands, the Tea Party does this with any positive mention of a Democrat. And the Democratic party – well, it has no balls left and barely means anything anymore.  The moment any pundit in America ties “liberal” and “democrat” together, the Democratic party crawls into its turtle shell and denies it.  They are so scared of the right’s continuing demonization of them they can’t even pass Universal Healthcare will full control of the government and the backing of the American people.

The second – The problem in America today is NOT polarization, as many like to claim. It’s LACK of polarization. If Democrats ever grow their balls back (and I doubt they will) they would not only embrace the moniker “socialist” but actually tell the truth loud and clear that we are already a socialist country. How we, in the best Christian tradition, want to screw the poor while handing out four billion dollars in subsidies to oil companies that already make record profits and, in some cases, pay no taxes.  Obama claimed he would walk the picket line while he was campaigning but, when given the chance, demurred.  Unions, after all, are socialist and pictures of the President supporting something he clams to believe in…it may play to the base but why risk it? Meanwhile, over on the other side, Republicans embrace anyone with any crackpot theory with a voice loud enough to shout down a Congress person at a townhall meeting? You would like to think that if someone accepted the endorsement of a person claimed that God sent Hitler to get the Jews back to Israel, that candidacy would be over. You’re wrong. John McCain still went on to lose his shot at the office.

And that is why Jesus will be the next president of the United States.

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