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Archive for June, 2011

In Which I Compare Weiners and Boehners

June 2nd, 2011 No comments

O…M…G!

Wait. Are you saying that sex plays a role in our society??

Logically, there is no such thing as a Democratic sex scandal. Democrats, according to those who hate them, AKA Republicans, are godless and immoral to begin with. Thus, ANY action they take is godless and immoral. To commit an act of immorality you need morals to begin with. We have none. With in the framework of the stereotype of Democrats anything is fair game.

Look at it this way. If a dog shits on your lawn, you’re pissed but it’s a dog. They shit where they please. Because they’re dogs. Their framework does not encompass privacy or a sense of shame for shitting in public. If a Democrat sends a picture of their junk to some college student, well, that’s not news either. Democrats kill babies. Democrats heart anal sex. Democrats want to legalize child prostitution. We want to give school kids heroin. So, IF Anthony Weiner sens a picture of his jean-clad dick to someone – it’s just not news. It’s the same as a dog shitting on your lawn.

Republicans and, sadly, much of the population of the US fail to make a distinction between the godless committing public sins and the Godly committing public sins. If you, as a Republican pass laws against sodomy, abortion and child prostituion and then go out out and rape a 14yr old girl, get her pregnant and then pay for her abortion – that’s a completely different ethical paradigm.

To equate priest sexually abusing a little boy with a junkie sexually abusing a little boy is simply dishonest.  More so, because not only should the priest know better but those who either defend the priest or accuse the junkie should know better as well.  Let’s muddy the waters a little. Let’s say the priest is a junkie. Ethically, the priest still knows better.

This lapse in plain common sense is the hallmark of wingnuts and xtians. Islam is condemned because Mohammed had sex with a little girl. Guess what? That was community standards at the time. The same held true in Europe.

Let’s take a look at two examples the Bible.

1. “Marriage is between a one man and one woman”.  Not true. King David had wives up the wazoo. Lots and lots of them. He even had the husband of woman he wanted to bang killed so he could bang her…while he was married. And yet Americans decry polygamy. Even though it’s legal in the Bible they call the framework of this country. If Republicans actually believed in the Bible, like they say they do, John Ensign would have used the King David defense rather than resigning. “Hey,” he would have said at the press conference, “at least I didn’t have the husband of this chick I was banging killed. I’m a pretty good guy in the eyes of God.”

2. Kill your kids. The Bible says that you MUST kill your kids if they disrespect you.  MUST. Gotta do it or you displease God. And yet…the laws of America, which according to wingnuts are 100% based on the Bible, has all sorts of outright prohibitions on killing your kids. To rephrase that – the laws of the United States of America directly contradict the Biblical laws it was founded on. This cannot be argued.

…………………unlesss………………..

Unless you take into account the community standards of that time period in history. Mohammed fucked a little girl. You killed your kids for disrespecting you. No jail time. In fact, Ggod patted you on the back and said, “well done!”

Anthony Weiner may or may not have sent a picture of his dick to some woman. This means nothing since it’s not a crime and if it were, Anthony Weiner would probably support a bill repealing it. If it were a crime, John Boehner would support the law because he wants, Roy Zimmerman so aptly put it, the government out of our lives and into our pants.” If Boehner sends a picture of his dick to some woman, he is a defacto hypocrite.

Can you honestly argue against this?

In Which I Have The Best Telemarketing Call Ever

June 1st, 2011 No comments

That was the most fun I’ve had in a while! Usually, telemarketers just get confused or pissed off when I fuck with them. I’ve actually had one call me back to tell me that I was rude. It’s rare when you get one that understands that they’re just there to effectively get paid to kill time. Thus, she and I had a lovely 10min convo about tourism, terrorism and my new vacation venture, Killton Hotels.

Her: Hi, can I talk to Mrs. Mulvaney?

Me: No. She’s not home.

Her: Is this Mr. Mulvaney?

Me: No. That’s her dad. I’m her husband.

Her: Oh. Ok. Well, I can talk to you!

Me: And you are…?

Her: I’m calling from Hilton Hotels. You and your wife are valued customers and we just wanted to see if you’d have any interest in going to Olando, FL on us.

Me: Orlando??

Her: Do you not like Orlando?

Me: Why would I want to go to Orlando? What’s in Orlando?

Her: Well…um..Disneyland? Universal Studios?

Me: Ewwwwww

Her: Not interested in that then.

Me: No

Her: What about Myrtle Beach.

Me: Nope.

Her: Miami?

Me: Nope.

Her: What kinds of places do you like to go to on your vacations?

Me: Oh…Bosnia. Haiti.

Her: What?

Me: Yeah!

Her: Sir? Um…are you kidding me?

Me: No. Not at all. We enjoy places that are off the beaten path.

Her: Are you in the Red Cross?

Me: No.

Her: Isn’t that…dangerous.

Me: Oh, sure. But that’s a lot of the fun!

Her: Fun? It sounds kind of scary.

Me: Yeah, it can be. We’ve been held for ransom a few times.

Her: Um.

Me: I mean, obviously, we always get released.

Her: Sure.

Me: Does Hilton have hotels in Afghanistan?

Her: I’m…not sure. I think we used to have some underground bunkers in Myrtle Beach.

Me: Are there terrorists there?

Her: Probably not. But we might be able to find you some or make accomodations.

Me: Nah. We’ve done the staged thing before. They always go light on the waterboarding.

Her: What about a video game or something?

Me: Ya know, VR has come a long way but they really haven’t gotten it to the point where you really *feel* like you’re drowning.

Her: Yeah. I’m from Hawaii and surfed since I was three. I know what it’s like to have water going up your nose. You’re right.

Me: Yeah.

Her: Still. Isn’t there any place you’d want to go to relax *before* you get kidnapped?

Me: Nah. Not really. That’s what the physical therapy is for.

Her: Just physical therapy?

Me: And pyschological, too. PTSD. But mostly putting joints back into sockets. Resetting broken bones.

Her: Yeah. I’m a boxer and I’ve broken my hand like five times.

Me: Yeah? See, I think you’d LOVE this kind of vacation. You’ve almost drown a couple of times. You break your hand on activities that interest you. I don’t really know why you’re poo-poo’ing this

Her: I see your point but…yeah…I like to relax on vacation.

Me: Look. You’ve given me a great idea for a travel agency called “Killton Hotels”. Can I interest you in a condo?

Her: OH MY GOD! You are so funny! I can’t wait to tell my husband about this call!

Me: Seriously. We’ll have Blackwater former Navy Seals ON STAFF to conduct rescue operations. You’ll be in danger, sure, but…c’mon – NAVY SEALS! You’ll be fine.

Her: I’m guessing that I’m not going to get you into Orlando.

Me: Yeeeeeeah, prolly not.

Her: Any chance at all?

Me: Naaaaaaah.

Her: Oh well. You know, I wish the mob were still in Las Vegas.

Me: Now THAT would be a vacation I’d be interested. Lunch with John Ensign just doesn’t hold much allure.

Her: I can see that.

Me: Yeah.

Her: Yeah. Ok. Well, if there’s nothing I can do…

Me: Yeah. Sorry.

Her: Ok.

Me: Ok. And you’re sure you’re not interested in Killton Hotels?

Her: Postive.

Me: Oh well.

Her: Yeah. Ok. Well. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. This has been hilarious. You’re really funny. We’ll probably call back and harass you some time in the future.

Me: And I’ll do the same.

Her: Sounds like a deal.

Me: Cool.

Her: Bye!

Me: Bye!

Categories: Telemarketing Tags:

In Which A Corner Seems To Have Been Turned

June 1st, 2011 No comments

What wingnuts want (and xtians and radical muslims, too) more than anything else in life is to rule the world. So strong is their belief in the correctness of their world-view that everyone else has the obligation to kill themselves or convert.

Before going on, let me explain why liberals aren’t on the list. Liberals are cats: they do what they want, when they want and regardless of the desire of the other cats. For that reason, liberal fascism is an oxymoran. (And, yes, I misspelled that on purpose.)

Teabaggers are a slow lot and for that reason, technology scares them. But, like cavemen discovering fire, they eventually get less scared and figure out how to harness it. Judson Phillips over at Tea Party Nation figured out that sending out an email every three hours with a scary subject line such as “USA RIP” and a body that reads something like

America died today. It no longer exists. What happened to America? Click here to find out.

drives up his web traffic and thus his sales of “Teabagging for Dummies” and Ayn Rand pacifiers.

What’s the point of all of this? Read about it here!

The ever entertaining Christian Newswire recently delivered the following press release.

DES MOINES, Iowa, May 31, 2011 /Christian Newswire/ — Tea Party News Brief, LLC is the nation’s first nonpartisan news service for the Conservative Movement with an animated news show with news anchor, Ava. The Tea Party News Brief now provides daily news alerts on www.Twitter.com/TPNewsBrief. (Emphasis added)

Hopefully, you spotted the anachronism.

What does this mean? I emailed Dr. Jessica Davis to find out.

I’m having trouble understanding this. Are there now partisan factions within the Conservative Movement? And if so, what are they?

Surprisingly, she wrote back.

Thank you for your question. The premise is that both Democrats and Republicans are involved in this 21st century Conservative Movement.  We have common ground, the core beliefs identified on www.TeaPartyNewsBrief.com. The mission of @TPNewsBrief is to provide nonpartisan information so our citizenry can make educated decisions versus being told what to think. We have very few legitimate news services any more. Our mainstream news services are clearly partisan. We can do more together. We can hold more accountable for their decisions if we work together.  I invite you to follow us on twitter and the website for a full understanding of what we are trying to do as a new source of nonpartisan conservative information. I hope this is helpful. (Emphasis added)

Really? Democrats are involved the Conservative movement? Maybe I’m running with the wrong Democrats but I’ve yet to hear one call Obama a socialist. Or compare him to Hitler. Or to claim that he’s from Kenya.

Once upon a time, say, three years ago, the “Tea Party” stood for fiscal responsibility. Or so they said. To that end, good for the Tea Party. It quickly became a front for anti-Democrat and anti-Obama demagoguery. Tea Parties rapidly filled up with racist and Nazi paraphernalia.  Ask a teabagger why they weren’t pissed off about government waste during the bush administration and they won’t and can’t answer you.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time trying to rationalize how you can have “non-partisan” news about the “conservative movement”. I keep coming up short. Reagan’s 11th Commandment “Thou shalt not speak ill of any Republican” consistently gets in the way. Reagan, as the father of the modern conservative movement, would not allow non-partisanship. Take this clip from the GOP’s 1984 convention

Her comment about having “very few legitimate news services any more” piqued my interest. So, I asked

What is regarded as a legitimate news service

She responded in a Sphinx-like manner. That is, if the Sphinx were actually a hologram that you could see through and looked like Sarah Palin

If you follow the tweets, you will see that a news source is a source that provides the facts not commentary as if it is fact. If we provide commentary, we try to make it very clear that we are providing commentary. News is what, where, and when?  If you have enough information, you can make your own conclusions.

Dr. Jessica Davis

P.S. I challenge you to analyze the next news program you see with this criteria and tell us what you conclude. Are they providing news or commentary? If they provide commentary, is it presented clearly as such?

The answer to “What is regarded as a legitimate news service?” contains actual new services rather than some vague statement of condemnation for the “lame stream media”. It seemed obvious that straight answers and non-partisanship don’t mix. Ever the optimist, I wrote back.

My question was – what do you consider a legitimate news source.  Are you doing original reporting? If not, which new source will you rely on to be factual?

Can you guess her response? Can you? I bet you can’t. Come on. Click that PayPal button, drop in $5 and bet me that you know her response.

Thank you for your inquiries. This is our last individual response to you at this time given the limitation of our time. However, I again invite you to follow us on Twitter and www.TeaPrtyNewsBrief.com. As you already know, the best news is going to the source directly. Again, we have appreciated your questions tonight.

Shit. I owe you $5.

Given that my audience appeared ended, I threw in the towel

Thank you for not answering my question in a factual and straight forward manner.

NOTE: I would, in the interest of non-partisanship, like to point out that I spoke with the Dr. Jessica Davis the theologian and NOT Dr. Jessica Davis who is in manure management.