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In Which I Write The Speech Obama Should Give

April 27th, 2011 No comments

Tonight, I don’t want to address “my fellow Americans”. Tonight, I’d like to address the Americans who hate me. I’d like address those Americans who for whatever reason felt it necessary, despite holding a US passport which requires proof that I was born in the United States of America, to say that I was not born in the United States of America.

Here’s the birth certificate that you want. Now go fuck yourselves.

Now, you’re going to say that it’s fake. You’re going to say that my “homies” in the “hood” needed two years to put together a fake birth certificate that could pass for real. You’re going to say because there’s no religion listed on it that if proves that my mom and dad were communists who raised me for the sole purpose of destroying America.

Amongst any sane country or peoples, this birth certificate would put an end to it. I know that it won’t. I know that this cottage industry that’s sprung up around the let’s-hate-Obama club generates too much money to shut down. And to those of you, like Chris Matthews, who said “well, just release it already and put an end to it”, I’m gonna say – watch and see. It’s not going to put an end to it because we’re dealing with playground bullies. You know how playground bullies act. It goes like this

Bully: What did you say about my mother?

Victim: I didn’t say anything about your mother.

Bully: My friend said you did. Are you calling my friend a liar?

And then you either kick their ass or they kick yours. Now, you can try to avoid it and just walk away and sometimes that works. You want to know why I spent “millions of dollars to keep it hidden”, that’s why. Because we both know that nothing I do will satisfy you. I gave you my short-form birth certificate and it wasn’t enough.

You’re going to continue your own personal jihad against me. You’re going to lie about every single thing I do. You’re going to say I’m a socialist. You’re going to call me a communist. You’re going to say I’m not a Christian because I didn’t make an Easter proclamation even though no sitting President of the United States of America has never made an Easter proclamation. You’re going to call end-of-life counseling “death panels”. I, like every other president, followed diplomatic protocol and bowed to the president of Japan. When I do it, it’s proof that I want to make America subservient to the rest of the world. When president Bush spread democracy to the Middle East he was doing the right thing. When I do it, I’m wasting tax payer money.  When president Bush bailed out the banks he was saving the economy. When I bailed out the car industry it was proof that I was a socialist.

During the election, John McCain rarely wore a flag pin. Through some bizarre alchemy, that didn’t mean that he hated America. John McCain was born in Panama and yet nobody questioned whether he was American. I don’t really know how that works.

Today, as I release my birth certificate, the thing that those who hate me say will satisfy them that I am, in fact, eligible to be President of the United States, I have a very important message to them.

Fuck off and claim back into your trailers.

Now. To my fellow Americans – those who agree with my policies and those who don’t – is this the America you want? I’m not talking about foreign, domestic or economic policy. I’m talking about the kind of country that the rest of the world perceives us as. Right now, we look like idiots. And it’s not because of me. There is a book about to be released that claims to prove that I’m not eligible to be president. A book. A full length book. Jerome Corsi wrote a couple of hundred pages about how I’m not an American.  Guess what?

Here’s my birth certificate.

Anybody wanna cancel their order on Amazon.com?

I’m gonna be honest. This hasn’t been easy for me or my family. It hasn’t been easy to see the citizens of the land of the free and the home of the brave so easily manipulated into believing lies. When I first considered running for the presidency, I knew what I was in for. I’ve dealt with it all my life. I’d like to ask each of you tonight to imagine the feeling of having organizations like Fox News and the Tea Party dedicated to personally destroying your character and talking about your mother.

To those who identify as Christians, I want you to grab a copy of the Ten Commandments and look at the 9th one. Thou shalt not bear false witness. After you’ve read that, I want you to go over www.worldnetdaily.com and read about how my mother was a whore.  And how they know for a fact that when I say I’m a Christian that I’m lying. And then listen to Franklin Graham talking about how he can’t be sure whether I’m a Christian or a Muslim or an Atheist because only God knows that but that he’s sure that everyone that pays to get into his rallies are Christians.

Look. I understand that people lie. The Tea Party lies. Fox News lies. MSNBC lies. And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I lied sometimes. I didn’t quit smoking. I’m not going to make good on my promises of standing with the unions. Apparently, I’m not anti-stupid war. But there is a fundamental difference between political lies and personal lies.

There are many in America that call the US a Christian nation. The ease with which Christians here turn their back on the Ten Commandments proves that it’s not.

I’m an American. I’m a Christian. I’m the President of the United States.  If you don’t like me, vote me out of office. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

Good night.

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In Which Jesus Is Not An Objectivist

April 20th, 2011 No comments

[Note: The audio version of this will be available sometime soon on The Pod Delusion. Thanks to Salim Fahdley and James O’Malley for that.]

The impending release of the film version of Atlas Shrugged reminds me of one of the lowest, darkest and most desperate periods in my life. Actually reading Atlas Shrugged.

Looking back, I realize that I fit the social demographic perfectly – I was emotionally retarded.  Just out of high school, friends with a lot of girls but with no girlfriend and having turned my back in mild defiance of Christianity, I desperately searched for some reason to explain why I always wound up on the losing end of things when I felt as if I gave so much. 21st century me now knows that I was simply an enabling co-dependent with low self-esteem and the solution lay in the halls of Al-Anon, a therapist’s office and perhaps some serotonin inhibitors.

20th century me, however, grabbed for the biggest, longest and most unwieldy book I could find to make me not feel stupid. At that point, it could have been any book, but it turned out to be Atlas Shrugged. During the summer of 1980 I devoured every line and possibly even masturbated to the image of sharp-featured, dominatrix Dagny Taggart. I knew nothing about objectivism  or Ayn Rand or what a miserable human being she was. All I knew was that, finally, I found good, concise, well-reasoned reasons to tell the rest of the world to fuck off.  I was, at last, better than everyone else.

And I’m terribly, terribly sorry for that.

If, for some unknown reason, you plan to see movie version of Atlas Shrugged, it’s important to arm yourself with this key fact – Rand was a loser who wrote books for losers. Objectivism isn’t so much about strength as it is about not being perceived as weak.  It’s about BIG talk and BIG ideas and BIG actions that can only exist in a self-deluded world of fiction where silly things like “fact”, “logic” and “the laws of gravity do not exist.

Which is another way of saying it’s the perfect Republican bible.  Or would be if Republicans didn’t already have a bible.  But they do. And it’s called “The Bible”

And the two books simply cannot co-exist in the same philosophical space. Sorry.  Just can’t happen. It’s like matter annihilating anti-matter – it ends in an explosion of stupidity and schizophrenia, which, now that I think about it, is the current definition of the Republican party.

If you’re unfamiliar with either books, here’s a brief synopsis.

The Bible: Book one –  God makes everything. He tells the Jews they’re the chosen people and to obey him. They don’t.

The Bible: Book Two – God takes a different tack and decides to rule by guilt. He kills his son, a nice young man who tells us to love each other and help the poor, and condemns us to Hell if we don’t continually thank him for that. And then the world ends.

Atlas Shrugged – The world is going to hell, so all the smart people leave and set up their own cool kids club in a magical pristine canyon that nobody can find. They live happily ever after never having to care about poor people or clean up after the mess they helped create.

Notice any areas of dichotomy there?

Jesus –  And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go [and] sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come [and] follow me.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Gimme some loaves and fishes and everybody eats

John Galt – If you think you’re getting any of MY food, think again, leech.

This is why America is so totally screwed right now – Right-wing Christian teabagging Republicans have the ideological hots for an amphetamine-addicted, atheist adulteress.  The party that damn near closed my government down because women shouldn’t have the right to abortion because God don’t like it reaches for the Viagra when they read Atlas Shrugged. The party that whines about gay marriage as an affront to God has no such problem when it comes to Ayn Rand. The party that spits on me because I’m not Christian swallows when it comes to Ayn Rand.

After all, I’m not the one that said “Faith is the worse curse of mankind, as the exact antithesis and enemy of thought.” That was Ayn Rand

In Which I Made A Mistake…But Not Really

April 5th, 2011 No comments

The other day, I noticed a picture in my BBN Facebook feed of not very flattering picture of a woman and a LOT OF CAPITALS. The gist of the post was that this woman was AN ASSHOLE and UGLY and a WICCAN and something about BUDDHISM, too. It also blasted her name all over the place and pretty much urged people to harass her for…her religious beliefs.  BBN left a comment praising the poster for doing exactly what Jesus would have done – kicking her in the face and sending her to Hell because “even Jesus knows there some sheep that ain’t worth saving.” Encouraged, I left another comment saying that Jesus didn’t like ugly people. I knew something was up when the author of the post liked both comments.

I don’t know about your Facebook experience, but with BBN I barely know anyone who on my feed. I may take a quick look to see if they’re in on it or if I’ve hooked someone, especially some xtian, but I generally forget who they are after that. Taking a look at this guy’s profile, it turns out he’s gay and probably not an xtian conservative. Rather, he was a radical atheist…kicking the shit out of a Buddhist…who probably deserved it because we know how pushy and evangelical Buddhists get.

The odd thing is, I’d already considered writing something about radical atheists because of this video

 

The guy that posted it crowed, “See what you’ve done, Terry Jones!”, a reference to the asshole that wanted to burn Korans because…um…burning paper is…um…fun…I guess. The first thought that entered my head was, “Hm. I wonder if this woman got bent out of shape of the Terry Jones flap?” The second thought I had watching watching her rip pages out of a cheap copy of the New Testament while saying “I believe compassion is everything”  was, “what the fuck.” Let me get this straight – you believe compassion is everything so rather than attempting to understand Christians you’re going to destroy the text their belief system is based on?

Here’s the dictionary definition for compassion

a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

Where, in the burning of a bible, does the alleviation of suffering come in? Comparatively, where is the compassion in telling gays they deserve AIDS?

I’ve got the same problem with radical Atheism that I do with radical religion of any stripe. It’s not a new statement to say that Modern Atheism became its own religion. Rather than saying “religion is shit” they’re ironically hell-bent on getting everyone else to believe that religion is shit. Which, by the way, is one of the definitions of evangelism – getting everyone to believe what you believe.

Honestly, I don’t mind people telling me their opinions. I find it interesting to see other people’s thought processes. A line gets crossed when they expect me to believe they’re right just because they say so. Another line gets crossed when you start behaving like the “enemy”.  I like the bus-billboards atheists put out saying “Don’t believe in God? You’re not alone” and “Millions are good without God”. Those are good solid messages. “You know Jesus is a lie” does nothing to promote atheism. It’s just meant to piss off Christians, not all of which are lunatic assholes. All it does is make them feel superior. Which, I thought, wasn’t supposed to be the point. The point is not buying into some system of belief that causes conflict. The moment atheism becomes aggressive is stops being not-religion.

I hate the song “Imagine.” I’m not just saying that for effect.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on why until Elvis Costello pointed out “Was it a millionaire/Who said imagine no possessions?” The same holds true the “and no religion, too” part that gets atheists all squishy or hard depending on their gender. Perhaps Lennon really meant all that stuff. Personally, I doubt it, mostly because I’m suspect of “anthems” of any kind. It’s the paradox of leading a group of individuals. Plus you can’t discount the profit motive. If Lennon were still alive, he’d be right next to Bob Dylan while the Traveling Wilbury’s shilled for Diet Coke or Depends adult diapers.

Imagine endless comfort
You know the reason why
You know you’ve got a diaper
That always keeps you dry
….
You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
When you’ve got your Depends on
Then the woooorld can be fun!

 

If you consider yourself an atheist and that offends you, then I’d suggest you’re putting to much stock into some outdated notion of spirituality.

I’m just sayin’

In Which The Key To Credibility Is The Prefix “Ex”

April 4th, 2011 No comments

Yesterday, I watched a clip of Louie “I Used To Be A Judge” Gohmert embarrassing himself by yelling at Anderson Cooper about Terror Babies. (HT to Beverly Russell)

What are Terror Babies? Generally, the term refers to other people’s children but in this case it refers to the babies of Muslim Extremists who travel to the US for the express purpose of giving birth in the US so that the child gets a US passport. After that, and I’m totally making a guess here since Gohmert doesn’t seem to know either, the proud, evil parents strap a bomb onto the new born and blow up a New Horizons day care center.

How does Gohmert know this? Because an ex-FBI agent told him. Which ex-FBI agent? Apparently, that’s none of our goddamn business. Does the FBI actually believe this? According to a statement given to CNN, no.  But it’s true because an ex-FBI agent to him.  Did Gohmert actually talk to the FBI about it? What’s the point? “On 9/10, the FBI would have said the same thing about an attack on America.” Which is true because the FBI deals mostly with domestic stuff. It’s the CIA that released the “Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in US” info that bush ignored.

Speaking of the CIA – Now another ex, this time an ex-CIA agent, the vaguely foreign sounding Kent Clizbe, has written a hard-hitting article for NewsMax with the damning title of Ex-CIA Operative: Obama Never Properly Vetted. And when I say “article” I mean “poorly written and reasoned piece of shit”. BUT. He’s an ex-CIA agent so it’s gotta be true.

This power of this kind of PWARPOS rests in the presumption that the reader a) believes the premise and b) won’t actually read the PWARPOS since if they did they’d dismiss it immediately. The outline goes like this

  1. Trust me, I’m an ex-CIA guy and I can sneak up on ninjas.
  2. I have vetted people in the past. EXECUTIVE people. In the private sector.
  3. I vetted a tea party candidate and found out he was a scumbag. Hm. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
  4. A lying, thieving scumbag in the private sector isn’t the same thing as having a president who’s a lying, thieving scumbag like we have now.
  5. The media went NUTS vetting everything about John McCain.
  6. Obama was not vetted properly because he got elected.
  7. We need a professional vetter to make sure Obama never gets elected again.
  8. Commies are evil.

The slight of hand happens in these two back to back paragraphs:

In the 2008 presidential election, candidates were vetted by the press in varying degrees. The media examined, analyzed, and publicly evaluated them. They explored in detail John McCain’s personal wealth, marriage, place of birth, mental stability, and other important issues. McCain cooperated, provided documents, and answered questions.

On the other hand, Barack Obama’s background remains nearly a blank slate. His school records, from kindergarten to law school, remain hidden. The story of his financial support is hidden — his private elementary and high school in Hawaii, his international travel, his graduate and undergraduate tuition and living expenses, and more. And these are just the beginning of the Barack Obama vetting failure.

Who vetted McCain? The media. Who vetted Obama? I’m not going to tell you that but they didn’t do a very good job. What criteria did the media use to vet McCain? Everything. What criteria did this non-existent vetting organization use to vet Obama? A completely different set of criteria. Did McCain cooperate? Yes. Did Obama cooperate? Obviously not because the lying thieving scumbag get elected.

How does someone who wrote an autobiography qualify as a blank slate? How, when you use the information he provided in the autobiography against him, does he qualify as a blank slate? And who the hell would want to read an autobiography that included a chapter “My Kindergarten Records” or “Filling Out My Financial Aid Forms For Harvard”?

The most disturbing aspect of attempts to vet the mystery candidate was the Obama camp’s vigorous response. Their stereotypical response is nearly as damning as any information that could be revealed: Admitting nothing, denying everything, and making counteraccusations, the vetting of candidate Obama continues.

Good point. bush still hasn’t properly addressed his military service or the issues of his drug use. Obama did. In writing.

In the end, Clizbe believes we need a professional vetter. Who is this person? Do we create another layer of federal bureaucracy, increasing the size of government and bilking the tax payer out of his paycheck? Or do we subcontract the job out to some non-partisan company like Blackwater/Xi.

Oh! I get it. We should hire Kent Clizbe!