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In Which Jesus Mocked People When He Felt He Was Right

May 24th, 2010 No comments

45 And after Jesus and his disciples did leave
the sermon on the mount, Jesus did turn to
Thomas speaking thusly
46 “Did I not not tell you that enough food wouldst
be provided for all to eat? Did I not? Yea, verily,
I believe I didst, but, naaaaay, YOU insisted
there wouldst NOT be enough food.
47 “I guesseth that I was right and you were wrong,
you big pile of donkey dung.
48 Wouldst thou liketh more to eat? Plenty
remaineth shouldst thou still require food.
49 Although,it  didst occureth to me that thou couldst
stand to lose a several stone, if the truth be told.”
50 Then Jesus turned to the other disciple, saying,
“Wouldst thou not agree, brethern? Dost Thomas
not resembleth a fat sow, ripe for the slaughter?
Dost thou not think that several villiages wouldst
eat hearty and well for many cycles of the moon
off the flesh of him?”
The Book of Jesus – 8:45-50

Seriously. Who are these people? Do they have any concept of the life of Jesus? Are their lives so devoid of successes that every perceived success provokes a torrent of thinly disguised abuse and hubris?

The American Fucktard Family Association believes itself responsible for…well…the downfall of Ford Motors:

According to AFA, during the 24 months the boycott was in effect, Ford sales dropped an average of 8 percent per month. The organization said its boycott was not entirely responsible for the drop in sales, but played a very significant role. A total of 780,365 individuals had signed AFA’s Boycott Ford petition.

It had nothing to do with a floundering economy or job market tanking. No. It was all about the homos. Of course, AFA doesn’t want to boycott companies but if they’re going to keep insisting on this “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights” bullshit, well…what choice do they have? In the world of xtianity there are only two options given to you by the Savior of Man – shit or get off the pot.

It’s pretty evident that not only was Jesus pretty passive-aggressive (“Oh, yeah? Then maybe I’ll just go and get myself EXECUTED for you – how’s that??”) but also petty and vindictive.

Again, from the Book of Jesus:

83 And after he did wash Jesus’ feet, the Savior did look at them and he did turn to John, saying
84 “Dost thou call this clean? Wouldst thou by any standard of heaven or of earth attempt to passeth this off as a ‘good job’? I am the Way and the Light! I have come to offer you everlasting life free of earthly pleasures and this is the thanks I get?”
85 And he did pusheth John roughly onto the stool, saying
86 “If thou be too retarded to knoweth the meaning of clean, alloweth me to show you.” Wherein Jesus did scrub John’s feet until they be bloodied and blistered.
87 And Jesus did laugh at John’s pain, telling him firmly, “Let this be a lesson to thee.”

As many xtians already know, Jesus sneered a lot. He was sarcastic, rude, bullying, denigrating and, above all, holier-than-thou. Thus, being “Christ-like” to an xtian is different than being “Christ-like” to an actual Christian.

Case in point? Oh, there are too many to count but for the moment, let’s use Gary McCollough who runs one of the funniest and/or saddest sites around – Christian Newswire. I’m guessing that McCollough probably gets a discount when he puts out a press release like “DeGeneres Hurt American Idol — I Told You So“. And indeed, he did

I propose that those behind American Idol view Lambert’s defeat as evidence of an underlying anti-gay bias among voters. As good community activists in the skewed world of Hollywood, this season’s change in judges was an opportunity to confront this homophobic bias. Thus viewers to the ninth season will get a steady dose of wit from one of the nation’s most well known lesbians, Ellen DeGeneres.

Personally, when I think of American Lesbians, I think of Eleanor Roosevelt but that’s probably just me. Like the American Fucktard Family Association, McCollough has no use for and no capacity to view reality because of the big Jesus shaped mirror he keeps in front of his face. He looks at himself and sees the world as he imagines Jesus would see it. I’m not sure at what point xtians teach their children that Jesus only hung out with the upper middle class and not with beggars and whores but it must be in the curriculum some place.  xtians care nothing about healing the lame and everything about laying the blame. It’s rare that that an xtian will step up to the plate and admit some wrong they committed against another. Pat Robertson, using slave labor in a Zaire diamond mine certainly doesn’t. He was great pals with the oppressive dictator down there…just like Jesus would have been.

McCollough, an xtian’s xtian if ever there was one, stands triumphantly pissing on the not-yet-dead corpse of American Idol because…he predicted it. Him. He. Gary McCollough. LESBIANS! It had nothing to do with American Idol’s falling ratings since season four, or Paula Abdul leaving or Simon announcing his departure. If ONLY they’d listened to him and had either a straight man or woman rather than a LESBIAN take over Paula’s place, they would have been back on top again. Stupid, stupid Fox. And, of course, McCollough follows the trend of LESBIANS on American Idol to its logical conclusion – pedophiles on Dancing With The Stars. Duh!

All of this really is just he basic xtian bullshit and had I not bothered to read the whole thing, I wouldn’t be writing this. However, this one paragraph jumped out at me.

DeGeneres’ “Yes, I have loved a woman,” comment from the May 11th show, was the most obvious lesbian-one-liner, but it wasn’t the only one, and it is hurting the show’s ratings. I can hear the bloggers loading their homophobe-blasters, but think this through with me.  If one of the judges was an abortion activist, or a political right winger — and continued to insert comments in line with their activism — the same criticism would be true, and the show would suffer. The advice, “Shut up and sing!” comes to mind [emphasis added]

Shut up and sing” isn’t even code in the wingnut world. It’s a threat of violence and almost a rallying cry. It comes from a letter from some wingnut psycho in Texas sent to Natalie Maines, lead singer of The Dixie Chicks, threatening to kill her for exercising her First Amendment right to disagree with the bush administration. Seriously.

Am I saying that McCollough wants to kill Ellen DeGeneres (or, as Jerry Falwell, resting uncomfortably in Hell, called her “Ellen DeGenerate“)? No. Well, maybe he does. Rather, if he did, he’d consider it another in a series of proofs of God’s existence and/or hatred of the things McCollough hates.

Let’s make this clear – Jesus didn’t hate people. He wasn’t a libertarian. He wasn’t a republican. He was neither gay nor straight. If you read the actual Bible itself, rather than lazily allowing Dobson, Eliason, Perkins or Wildmon to tell you what’s in it, it’s pretty obvious that Jesus would never endorse the kind of twisted perversion of His message that Gary McCollough spews.

Have fun in Hell, Gary.

In Which Neo-Nazis Confuse And Amuse Me

May 23rd, 2010 No comments

One of the things that always interests me is propaganda, especially how to sell an unpalatable idea to the mass public. How do you make healthcare a bad thing? How do you make safe food seem evil? Does learning actually hurt you?

Learning Makes You Less Godly

The most head-scratching come from neo-nazis, though. In the good ol’ days of UseNet, I’d troll alt.nigger sometimes and never failed to marvel at the inconsistency of today’s modern racist. One of my favorite threads concerned the legitimacy of fucking Halle Berry since she was hot and light-skinned. As Strom Thurmond proved, pussy is pussy and the penis knows no color barriers.

I’m collecting video for a personal propaganda project (you’re welcome) and in the course of it all got a little stuck on nazi stuff. It’s quite an accomplishment to drive an entire nation into the acceptance of genocide. Think about it. How do you convince the vast majority of your citizens that the only way to save the country is to kill the Jews? I understand genocide where warring factions have always been at war. I understand the Hatfields and McCoys. And, sure, Jews aren’t strangers to persecution.  BUT – the whole nazi thing boggles the mind.

Today, I got stuck on the video section of the Vanguard News Network. I watched Dolly Parton’s first TV appearance. Blonde+White+Big Tits=Good.

I found a folk song to the misunderstood Rudolph Hess

And then I found a category called “techno”.

Techno? I’ve heard a couple of rave mixes of Hitler speeches but those were meant to be ironic. As I looked down the rather short list, I found

Taco. Puttin’ on the Ritz. An Indonesian born Dutch guy, probably gay, singing a song written by a Jew. On a racist website. To spare you having to watch it, I’ll tell you why it’s there: Because there are a few shots of dancers in black face. That’s it.

It sums up most fanatical movements that they’ll turn their back on their entire ideology even for the tiniest crumb of validation. I doubt that they even know Irving Berlin wrote that song. Even so, in every conceivable way, that video reeks of non-white power. But there’s 30 seconds of black face, and I guess that enough

In Which Citizens United Agreed With Everything I Said

May 22nd, 2010 No comments

So I just got a call from Citizens United asking me to listen to a message from Dick “Dick” Morris and then respond to a  “critically important” 1 question survey. Why not?

“Dick” came on the line and pimped the book he’s writing about how to take back America. Blah, blah, blah socialist…blah blah blah disarm the military…blah blah blah…WHUH?? Death panels? Did he really just say death panels? Why, yes. Yes, he did say death panels. That’s sooo 2009.

I knew I was going to wait for the survey, but the question was: How to respond? Should I talk to the little wingnut fucktard rationally? Should I say “fuck you” and hang up? Or…

[Rough transcript]

Sheila: Hi, Mr. Day? Did you hear the message all right?

Me: Yup.

Sheila: That’s great. So we have just one question to ask you. Do you agree with Barack Obama when it comes to socializing medicine, disarming the troops and promoting socialism in America?

Me: All in one question?

Sheila: [laughs uncomfortably] Would you like to take them one at a time?

Me: Yeah.

Sheila: Ok. What about socializing medicine?

Me: I think those death panels are disgusting.

Sheila: They are.

Me: I’ve heard from people that they can send someone over to my grandma’s house in the middle of the night, yank her out of bed by the hair, throw her in a van and then shoot her.

Sheila: They can.

Me: How can anyone DO that? I mean…how can you be the kind of person who –

Sheila: Well, his little….his…um…his…ya know…um…”small circle of friends” up there in Washington –

Me: Do you think they’ll shoot her themselves??

Sheila: Noooo…I doubt it. They’ll probably hire hitmen but they won’t call them that. They’ll cal them something nicer.

Me: That’s right!

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Sheila: Sure!

Me: Do you think they’ll have sex with the dead corpse of my grandma?

Sheila: I really don’t know

Me: I bet they will.

Sheila: Uh huh. What about disarming the military?

Me: I’ve heard that the whole reason they’re using GPS for the census is because when Obama lets the UN forces invade America that won’t be able to speak English so they’ll need to use GPS co-ordinates in order to find the house of Christians in order to kill them.

Sheila: Uh huh. I don’t doubt it. What about the troops?

Me: What’s Obama done for the troops, anyway? NOTHING.

Sheila: That’s right. All he’s done is ship more of them out!

Me: That’s right! And with what? NOTHING! He’s shipping out unarmed soldiers and putting them into harm’s way without any way to defend themselves.

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: He’s disgusting! How are we supposed to win the war on terror if he’s sending MORE troops over to Iraq and Afghanistan? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Sheila: (starting to catch on) Um….

Me: And how will they fight the Taliban when they’re unarmed? Huh? How?

Sheila: Uh….Yeah. I’d like to thank you for your feedback and

Me: Go fuck yourself, asshole.

In Which The Teabaggers Brag About The Great Big Shiny Nickel They Got

May 17th, 2010 No comments

“Hey! A big piece of tin foil! Am I lucky or WHAT?”
Pee Wee Herman

This is one of my favorite lines from the original staged version of the Pee Wee Herman show. And if you haven’t seen it, then stop reading this and find it by hook or by crook. It’s a wonderful funny and real moment, capturing the joy and innocence of being a kid (albeit one that jerks off in movie theaters). I remember getting giddy finding a stash of rubber bands lying around and spending the next 3 hours working on my rubber band ball. I loved that feeling – the feeling of accomplishing something absolutely pointless, useless and selfish that did nothing to benefit society in any way shape or form.

Hey. Wait a minute. That sound like the teabaggers! “Hey! A big piece of hubris! Am I lucky or WHAT? Last week we had four people show up to protest BIG BROTHER trying to keep our food supply safe and this week we have FIVE people! WE’RE A MOVEMENT!” As any good ad-man knows if you even have one new person that shows up at an organized gathering, even to gawk, you can de facto say that the movement is growing. Nevermind the fact that you had to bus people in from out of state to make it happen (this after to you condemned ACORN for…um…bussing people from out of state). It’s all good fun until somebody loses an election.

I understand the paradigm. Really I do.  When I start pushing triple digits on this blog, I start getting…well, I get excited. However, I’m not claiming I have a hope in hell of changing public policy and that at some point in time the numbers will drift downward.   It’s called “facing reality” and the teabaggers, like Pee Wee Herman get big pleasure in small things…and then go and jerk off in theaters.

What have they got to crow about? Take a look!

You can see the power of the people in the results from our fundraising drive for Conservative Republican Sharron Angle’s campaign to Defeat Harry Reid.

While Reid and other establishment candidates get their money and funding from lobbyists, special interest groups and big corporations, we here at the Tea Party Express have asked individual Americans to step forward and help give Sharron Angle a fighting chance to get her message heard.

The response has been overwhelming.  You simply won’t believe it unless you see it with your own eyes.

Take a look at the list of people who have contributed $100 or more in just the past 5 days and see how we are using real grass roots power to take our country back!

Hm. Asking individual citizen for small amounts of money so you can avoid corporate lobbyists? I’m not sure but I think I’ve heard of that strategy before. But when? No matter, I’ll figure it out.

Still – an overwhelming response? Man! Good for you! That’s just great!  You guys must’ve really cleaned up. If Michelle Bachman’s opponent in the 2008 congressional race picked up a cool $438,000 for a congressional race in 24 hours, I can just imagine how much you guys came up with in 5 days.

Oh. I forgot the last part of the email

We have a long way to go to reach our goal for this $150,000 Money Bomb by Friday evening.  If you can support this fundraising drive with a contribution of $100 or more contribute  – HERE.

You didn’t reach $150,000 in five days? That’s just $30,000 a day.  And what a “money bomb”? And you’ve still got “a long way to go”? Um…being pathetic in front of your base is NOT a good way to sell your ideology. Still, they put a brave face on. I won’t bother to reprint the names of the 301 people that, over course of five days (aka: 60/day) contributed $100 or more since the teabaggers already did that.  What I will print is just how much these brave, brain damaged patriots coughed up.

$35,359

Seriously. As they didn’t print the final total, I guess they have some self-respect, although not much.

$35, 359. That’s a little over a fifth of their “money bomb” goal. Even better – They didn’t even get money from all 50 state.  Most notably and hilariously – Alaska!

Think about that for a second: No money came from Alaska. None. Or at least not in a chunk bigger than $99. Follow my logic on this

IF no money came from Alaska
AND Sarah Palin, the current Heather of the teabaggers, comes from Alaska
THEN Sarah Palin is too cheap/greedy/opportunistic/avaricious to give back to those who give to her.

Which, I guess makes sense because that’s what the teaparty comes down to – getting the rubes in the door, fleecing them and kicking them out of the street.

In order to reach their Friday goal they’ll have to scrounge up $29,000 a day. Given that about 84% of the donations were the $100, they’re gonna have to do a whole lot of teabagging to catch up. I guess they could try to get Sarah Palin to do a fundraiser for free but we all know that that’s not going to happen.

Oh, and if you’re curious about the 9 dollars – that’s because Gerard from Alameda, CA sent in $189. I’m guessing he kept that other $11 for overhead.

That’s what Dick Armey would do.

In Which Moral Relativism Is, Apparently, Morally Relative

May 15th, 2010 No comments

I remember a Focus on the Family around 5/22/06 where Bilbo Dobson and his comedy troupe screeched on and on about “moral relativism”. Apparently, it’s not only a stupid concept, but an evil one, too. You see, once you cast aside “absolute truth” you might as well start bathing in hot, burning lava to get used to the feeling since you’ll wind up in Hell. Communists believe in moral relativism. Democrats believe in it. Unitarian Universalists believe in it, too. Shit. I can smell the sulfur already.

What is absolute truth? Well…

  1. God created the world in six days and the Grand Canyon was created by the flood waters receding.
  2. God sent his son, Jesus, down to earth as a man so he could be killed by the Jews for our sins
  3. Being gay is bad
  4. If you disagree any of the above, you’ll burn in Hell

Sure, there’s a couple others, but that pretty much sums up the basic tenants of xtianity. Here’s a great example of an absolute truth via Back to Genesis put out by the Institute for Creation Research.

BTG – Why Creation

“But,” you might say to Dr. Morris, “isn’t that kind of a circular argument? Using the Bible to prove that the Bible is true? I mean, the Bible proves that the earth is the center of the universe, too, right? But you’d get laughed out of the institute for saying that. Ok. Maybe you wouldn’t because it’s yours. But you get my point.” Yes, that would be moral relativism.

If, for example, you try to argue that we should actually thank Judas for narc-ing on Jesus since otherwise we couldn’t have been saved from sin then you’re engaging in moral relativism. Similarly, if you ask about the validity of a religion started by glorifying the breaking of one its parent religion’s 10 commandments (“Thou Shalt Not Kill”), that, too, is moral relativism. But I’m being inarticulate, here. Listen to this, instead.

True For You

See? Either you have $5000 or you don’t. Either the Bible is true or you’re going to Hell.

And yet…xtians engage in moral relativism all the time. Case in point – yesterday I called up my buddies at Crosstalk to ask them to take the Anti-Socialist Teabagger pledge and refrain from using socialist services like libraries, parks, sewage facilities, electricity and eating any food that the government subsidized. However, I made two mistakes. Firstly, I stopped talking. That’s a big no-no. As soon as you stop talking you get hung up on. Secondly, I got waylaid by the fucktard going on about how welfare turned all black kids into criminals. He vomited up the lie about how rich a black women could get at the taxpayer expense by sitting on her ass having babies and before I could tell him that most recipients of welfare were white, well, I got hung up on.

Thinking they might have a thread on the Crosstalk Blog. They didn’t. But they did have a post allowing xtians to talk about how shitty Mexicans are and how their grandparent came here legally and didn’t sneak across the US/European border to here. One woman said that the Bible said nothing about immigration or illegal aliens so she could hate them all she wanted without having to ask God’s forgiveness. I was pretty sure this wasn’t true, having gotten about 1/2 way through the ol’ Old Testament and, sure enough

Exodus 22:21, You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.” Reminding the people of biblical Israel that they had been slaves in Egypt

Leviticus 19:34 The alien who resides among you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt; I am the Lord your God.

Hebrews 13:2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

The angels quote got me thinking. I’m reading/listening to The Odyssey at the moment and the other gods (the fake ones) loved disguising themselves to get the skinny on the mortals. That led me to think about how the anti-abortion morans love pulling out the argument that “you may be killing the next Mozart or supreme court justice that will overturn Roe v. Wade”. (Of course, you could be killing the next Hitler or Ted Bundy, too). It occurred to me that  xtians have none of this compassion for illegal children. That they might be deporting the next Mozart or supreme court justice that will overturn Roe v. Wade.

And, so I submitted my comment, which got held for moderation. And then deleted.

I’m not sure how much you know about xtians bu they are (especially the white ones) persecuted at every turn. No one allows them to speak. They have no voice anywhere in the world. All they get is silenced and disrespected. As one pious xtian correctly noted

if America were being invaded by right wing Christians the Gov would be offering a bounty for each captured

It’s true! America hates xtians. All America cares about is killing babies and getting free sex change operations. If I censored xtian comments on this blog (which I don’t and won’t), I’d be persecuting xtians. But when Crosstalk does it, it’s “defending the faith.”

Which sounds a lot like moral relativism to me

Exodus 22:21, You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.” Reminding the people of biblical Israel that they had been slaves in Egypt

Leviticus 19:34 The alien who resides among you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt; I am the Lord your God.

Hebrews 13:2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

So there’s that.

The other irony is that the pro-life movement uses the argument that the unborn might be the next supreme court judge to overturn Roe v. Wade while brush past the argument that the child of an illegal immigrant could also be the next supreme court judge to overturn Roe v. Wade.

In Which I Hope You’ll Say No To “Drugs”

May 8th, 2010 No comments

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