Archive for March, 2010

In Which Lou Reed Turned To Rust

March 30th, 2010 No comments

“i’m/waiting for my man/i got 26 dollars/in my hand”
Lou Reed 1967

“i’m/waiting for my man/i got 26 purchase orders/in my hand”
Lou Reed 2010

I’m pretty stunned right now. When I saw a headline that read Lou Reed Has An iPhone App, I got pretty excited. Lou Reed + Laurie Anderson + iPhone? How could that not be a win? Brian Eno’s Bloom app blows me away and holds a prominent position on my iPhone (did I tell you I got the real deal, finally?). It’s worth every penny you pay for it – gorgeous, fun, relaxing, creative. It’s just about perfect. So what might Lou and Laurie come up with? Maybe some game where you buy heroin? Or a Lou Reed lyric generator? Or maybe defacing the Statue of Liberty?  What, what, WHAT could it be?

Of course, he did a YouTube video for it. So I clicked play and…

Ol’ Lou is literally “Old Lou”. It’s hard for him to read the contacts on his iPhone so he had some college student build him an app.  So he could read his contacts.  On his iPhone. And then sell the app.

It’s called LouZoom.

And I feel like weeping.
Categories: Capitalism, Disillusionment, Lame, Lou Reed Tags:

In Which Mat Staver Is Missing More Than A T

March 28th, 2010 No comments

I was going to try to work up a head of steam on this but, ya know, it pretty much speaks for itself.

Vic Eliason – Professional Fucktard

Mat Staver – Professional Fucktard

In Which I Hope To Help PFOX Fight Ex-Gay Bashing

March 14th, 2010 No comments

PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) recently did a stupid little bit of grandstanding by asking the Disney corporation to include ex-gays in their tolerance training. Like you, I was unaware that ex-gays experienced systematic discrimination. I’m not really sure how you’d go about harassing an ex-gay. Would you yell “HEY, NON-FAGGOT!” out your car window at one? Or go up to a woman in a bar and say, “Hey, you don’t look anything like a dyke”?

But, trusting person that I am, I assume that there must be a lot of ex-gay basing if PFOX asks Disney for protection.  Thus, I made a little audio documentary about ex-bashing.

I hope you enjoy!

Categories: Navel (Gazing At) Tags:

In Which xtians Are Delusional Cowards

March 5th, 2010 No comments

You know, I’m sitting here casting around for some kind of framework to talk about this press release from Concerned Women For America and my head is just reeling.

Penny Nance, CEO for Concerned Women for America, said, “CWA seeks to protect the individuals who signed the petition from having their support of Referendum 71, their personal information, and the address of their family’s home globally publicized on the Internet by groups with a history of harassment and intimidation against those opposed to the homosexual viewpoint.”

Maureen Richardson, State Director for CWA of Washington, said, “Privacy is a big issue.  The people’s right to ‘exercise the legislative power’ through referenda and initiatives will be severely hampered by publicizing names through Internet listings, etc. In a perfect world where others do not wish us harm, public disclosure of citizens’ personal information made available on a referendum or initiative might be acceptable, but in a world where advocates are threatened as I have been, making it easier for predators to access their victims is not necessarily in the public interest and certainly not in the victim’s.”

[/me scratches head and sighs]

We still live in America, right? What I got taught in Civics class was that America meant making your voice heard; about standing up for what you believe in. According to Concerned Women for America, it means shouting “FAGGOT!” from the safety of the shadows so that the rest of country can’t know what an absolute fucking ASSHOLE you are.

It wouldn’t piss me off half as much if CWA didn’t spend its time screaming about traitorous, America-hating liberals who don’t support our brave boys overseas fighting to protect our freedoms.  Freedoms? Guess what (he said, ratcheting up the irony) FREEDOM ISN’T FREE. Freedom, or so I’ve been told by people like CWA, means pain and sacrifice. It means doing what’s right no matter how hard it is. It’s about raising your hand and proclaiming, “this, I do believe” and taking the consequences and accepting the responsibility of your actions. It’s not about a bunch of over-privileged white, xtian conservatives cowering before the word “gay” like it was Kyser Soze. We know how prone to violence “teh gays” are.  How they go on rampages through Grosse Point and Scarsdale slaughtering all the straight people and having sex with anyone left standing.

Aren’t the greatest Christians the ones who endured the worst torture and persecution? Didn’t Jesus promise that Christians would be hated and reviled. Then fucking step up to the plate, boys and girls. You are pathetic pieces of cowardly shit to turn your back on both Country AND God. Hate gays and blacks and Mexicans and anyone else not like you all you want. Be my guest. But show us your face when you do. Let us see just how bitter, hypocritical and shameful the face of xtianity is. Let us see the face of those who play God while admonishing everyone with in earshot about the hubris and sin of playing God.

If you don’t trust that God will protect you, maybe you should rethink about whether God actually exists.

In Which This Is One Reason I Won’t Run For Congress

March 4th, 2010 No comments

I haven’t slogged through Paul Schiffer’s website all that much, but, really, how deeply do you have to look to see that anyone that would put out a press release like this is a fucking NUTJOB.

Paul Schiffer, Republican Candidate for Congress in Ohio’s 16th Congressional District, has written legislation to outlaw Barack Obama’s dozens of ‘CZARS’ in the White House. Schiffer promises to introduce this legislation in Congress after election to Congress. Schiffer explained:

“I believe ‘Czars’ are un-American. It started out as almost an inside-the-Beltway joke under Republican Administrations — calling a Presidential adviser a ‘Czar.’ But the idea of Presidential ‘Czars’ has become a worrying trend. If we continue on this path, Presidential over-use of White House ‘Czars’ threatens to weaken America’s democratic system.”


I guess under Reagan it was funny because Reagan hated commies more than Jane Wyman. Thirty years later, though, with an admitted Commie, Socialist, Nazi Muslim in the White House it’s not longer a joke but REALITY.

Making an issue out of czars shows just how far wingnuts will go to avoid talking about issues. Politico today had a story about an RNC FUNdraising meeting that explicitly advocated the use of terrifying the populace with false claims of socialism simply to win elections.  Think about the desperation and hatred it takes for some wingnut fucktard to not only want to destroy the President of the United States but to have resort to what can only be described as terrorism. What’s an even bigger stretch is latching onto czars to do it.

If you weren’t home schooled you probably already know that “czars” have nothing to do with Communism. The Communists overthrew the czars. I know I’m burying a good punchline here, but this makes Paul Schiffer a Communist since he’s advocating the overthrow of czars. Such is the sheer, blind stupidity of the wingnut they literally believe that “czar” means “commie”. When confronted with the historical reality they plug their ears and shouting, “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”

I’m not kidding. I called up the xtians at Crosstalk America one afternoon when the czar bullshit got to much. Brannon Howse, a seriously dangerous man, hypnotically chanted


for more than a half hour. I really tried to resist the call of my commie master, but I couldn’t and picked up the phone to defend old Nicholas II. How’d it turn out? Take a listen:

But It DID Come From RUSSIA

Let’s bear in mind – this guy considers himself to be smart. He’s a thinker.

I can only quote A Fish Called Wanda

Otto: Apes don’t read Plato
Wanda: Yes, they do, Otto, they just don’t understand it.

That said, everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes BIG mistakes. Like putting out a press release claiming to have “written legislation to outlaw Barack Obama’s dozens of ‘CZARS’ in the White House” and posting that legislation…which turns out to be four blank .pdf pages. (noczars.pdf – just in case he actually writes it)


Wingnuts aren’t funny but they ARE hilarious.

In Which I’m Going Through Billy Bob Neck Interviews

March 3rd, 2010 No comments

I’m talking to an outfit called Cyber Station USA on Saturday about doing The Hour of Bein’ Good on their internet radio station so I’m going through calls and interviews I’ve done in the past and I’m having such a lovely time I thought I’d share them with you…in alphabetical order

Abie Philbin Bowman
Abie Philbin Bowman is an Irish comedian that came through the States to do his show, Jesus: The Guantanamo Years, where Jesus comes back to Earth for the Second Coming Tour and, when he hits the US portion, gets detained as a Middle Eastern-type with no fixed address.

Caller – Are You Out Of Your Mind??
This guy pretty much went postal right off the bat. He said he’d call back but then he never did. S’too bad. He was a lot of fun!

Caller – How Can Jesus Like My Friend’s Fruitcake?
A few shows earlier, Billy Bob talked about how your soul was like a fruitcake and Jesus didn’t have to accept it if he knew it was going to be bad. This kid called up for some clarification.

Caller – The Most Fucked Up Person In The World
This guy called out of nowhere and thought he was playing along. Frankly, I thought I was pushing it too far but the guy was so hooked I couldn’t push it far enough. He finally lost his shit.

Interview Excerpt – Mehran Khagani
Mehran did two interviews with Billy Bob. I think he had fun.

Interview Excerpt – Onyx
Onyx is a Wiccan and a tarot card reader out of Buffalo, NY (but she reads via phone, too)  who was kind enough to host BBN at her Wiccan coffee shop. The show was a hoot! She’s called a few times and always makes it tough to stay in character. I’m not a big tarot person but she’s damn good.

Interview Excerpt – Roy Zimmerman
Roy is truly the heir to Tom Leher, so much so that he got invited to his house. He’s been gracious enough to do two interviews (well, three). This was an in-studio interview and has a live version of Creation Science 101. (And just to be a tad more whorish, check out the Zimmerman/BBN Duet, “Burn Goody Clinton, Burn“.)

Interview Excerpt – Tony Zirkle
Tony tried running for the Republican Primary for Congress in Indiana except he kinda talked to a bunch of neo-Nazis at a lunch celebrating Hitler’s birthday and enjoys talking about the Great Jewish Porn Dragon the corrupts white women into having sex with black guys. That pretty much put him out of the running. Although I’m sure the Nazis voted for him. And he did have a pretty innovative program called Derringers for Dildos, where women could swap their “divorce aids” for guns. Maybe “innovative” is the wrong word.

Categories: Navel (Gazing At) Tags:

In Which I Bid Dobson Farewell

March 3rd, 2010 No comments

I know I’m not the most Christian person on the face of the earth…who am I kidding…I’m a fucking Unitarian Universalist.  In case you didn’t know, we start of all of our “services” by chanting, “Bibles? We don’t need no steenkin’ bibles!”

But I’ve said too much.

What I meant to say was here’s the beginning of a farewell to gay-bashingest, homo-hating-est, bush-dick-sucking, God-misunderstanding hellbound fucktard still alive today. I look forward to Focus on the Family folding  fabulously leaving behind a trail of debts and lawsuits that will make Bleak House seem as short as Bambi Vs. Godzilla.

Bye Bye Dobson…you piece of hypocritical shit

Categories: Dobson, Focus On The Family, Podcast Tags: