Archive for February, 2010

In Which He’s A Career Criminal So You Can Trust Him

February 28th, 2010 No comments

I know, I Know, I KNOW! But, c’mon. Cut me some slack. Papatard is running for Congress?? HAHAHA! Guess the private money well dried up so it’s time to move on the public sector.  Not that he hasn’t been living off the state for awhile, anyway.

Papatard isn’t smart but he does have a certain cunning. But cunning without smarts equals jail. And Papatard knows a lot about that.

Papatard, for someone living off assistance, gained an awful lot of fucking weight over the past year. I never quite understand how folks pull that off. Does public assistance breed gluttony? Also, what happened to the cane he so pathetically waved around at his press conference. The second one that he got thrown in jail after.

For those of you who don’t know Papatard, he claims that he blew Obama in the back of a limo in Chicago in 1999. Oh, and Obama sold him drugs…because he gave the then State Senator the money to buy them. Oh, and that Obama killed three black guys who knew about it. And a bunch of other lies that I forget. Did he ever back any of this up? Of course not. He promised a whole bunch of stuff. He even put up a flowchart that showed a hierarchical map of which of the bloggers paid to torment him reported to whom.  I, apparently, had other “paid bloggers” reporting to me. Wish I’d seen ever 5% of the money that I allegedly got because it was rumored to be a lot.  It speaks to just how much shit he’s thrown out there the I can’t find it. It’s probably been taken down.

Anywho – Papatard self-published a book-length Penthouse letter about the whole thing (Dear Penthouse: I never thought that I’d be blowing a state senator…) and, not surprisingly, the “publishing company” shut down recently. I guess if you own a publishing firm you’re not supposed to mooch off government agencies. It speaks to just how cruel people can be to the handicapped when they report Papatard for such misdeeds. SHAME! Yet another persecution of the only honest man in America that went to prison three times and ran drugs and humans across the border.

Which is why, I assume, he’s running for Congress.

You’d be forgiven if you thought this post represented another flare-up of my Papatard fixation but you’d be wrong. In my last post someone commented that trying to understand wingnuts makes your head explode. I’m not sure why mine hasn’t but maybe the exception proves the rule. The thing is that in some odd, alternate universe, Papatard shines forth as the brightest star in the wingnut sky.

To Wit:

Family Values – This is a catch-all euphemism for hating gays and non-white people. Non-white people? When did it turn into a race thing? Wingnuts understand that Family Values is not just about non-propagation through, effectively, onanism. Yes, spilling your seed outside of a vagina and/or allowing something into your vagina that would not result in pregnancy makes Jesus cry. And, yes, not believing in Jesus means that you’re most likely a pedophile. But it also means that you belong to a race class of people that understand those rules, don’t live off the state and don’t sneak across the border to steal church pews from hard working Americans in direct contradiction for the Nth Commandment. It’s a proven fact – Jesus loves the unemployed, unwed, coke addicted, white single mother more than the unemployed, unwed, crack addicted, black or latina single mother. That’s why, as an unemployed, unwed, drug using, homosexual of Mexican descent, so many wingnuts flocked to Papatard.

Law And Order – Papatard did three separate bids in the Big House for fraud. In Papatard-speak, these represent “bad life choices”…that he made over and over and over again. He transported drugs. He transported people. He stole. If you listen to him talk about it, he sounds almost proud of it all. It’s like some fucked up variation on Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing”. More to the point, in Papatard’s Bizzaro-World wired head, being the “most vetted candidate” means he should win. Because he’s taken responsibility for his “bad life choices”. By this logic, the only person that could beat him in this election is Stalin.  Since Stalin committed worse crimes than Papatard, he’s the better candidate. Thankfully, Stalin is dead.

Character – Pretty much a re-working of the Law and Order section. You can trust Papatard because he’s been such a scumbag. You can trust Papatard because he trusts no one. Especially Joe Biden, who he claimed tried to force a special law through Congress to be signed by bush specifically meant to persecute Papatard. Such a brave, brave man standing up to power like that!

Anti-Government – Congress makes too much money. They feed off the American people like leeches with their big-time salaries and top-tier health care and nice offices and free plane trips. They bleed us dry and don’t leave enough money for people like Papatard to draw disability and social security from! FAIL!

Sexual Orientation – Papatard likes to play coy on whether he’s gay or bi-sexual. He’s not quite as coy on whether he swallows or not. He does. This makes him pretty the capo di tutti capo or teabaggers. Experience, after all, counts for a lot

It’s hard to imagine some other career criminal that could orchestrate a semi-serious bid for national (or even local) elected office. And when I say “career criminal” I don’t mean “white collar career criminal”. They’re already elected. Why, then, does even one person in the United States of America take Papatard seriously?

This, I think, is the key to the teabagging wingnuts brain: Papatard is such a scumbag that he has to be honest. He admitted to all of this horrible stuff about himself* – why would he lie to us?  To put it another way – if someone you disagree claims a statement is false, that’s proof that it’s true. Thus, if a liberal like myself presents any evidence factually refuting Papatard or death panels or any such issue then the facts I cite are fake. Even if they’re backed up by multiple sources since those multiple sources belong to the conspiracy against America.

To put it another way – Only liars can be trusted not to lie.

It’s pushing it a bit to far to claim that teabaggers and wingnuts learned this trick from Papatard. But in terms of de facto stonewalling and la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you-ism, many of these same folks got their intro to teabagging via Papatard.

Honestly, if I weren’t flat broke (hint – see that tip jar at the top of my blog? Use it!) I’d be donating to Papatard’s campaign. I have always believed that the rest of America needs to see these dangerous assholes rather than sweeping them under the rug.  I don’t always agree with MSNBC and Olbermann continues to tread the line between slightly unreasonable and unbearably pompous, but they don’t shy away from presenting these hypocrites in their natural environment.  Perhaps I’m too much of an anarchist, but liberals should allow the wingnuts to win the culture war. Let them show average Americans what a theocracy actually feels like. It’ll take four to six years of fascism for them to understand the mistake they’ve made. And then we can get some actual, permanent change in America.

*Note – Most of what he admitted to got dragged out of him. Rarely has he offered up information not found out by others first.

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In Which Teabaggers Will Hang Themselves Through Their Own Ignorance

February 26th, 2010 No comments

Some wingnut moran posted the following video of Hitler ranting and raving, whipping up a crowd into a murderous frenzy.

Somehow, this is supposed to be Obama. Because Obama is so angry and emotional and people who support him all want to kill Jews. The Hitler analogy doesn’t make sense to those who do things like…I don’t know…read or watch the History Channel. It doesn’t matter to wingnuts, though.  Bad is bad > Hitler is bad > Obama is bad > Obama is Hitler.

It seems to have gotten to a point where some brainless fucktard that doesn’t understand that you can’t blame Obama for getting you fired before Obama even announced his intention to run, can throw up some video of Hitler and not even bother to read the text and still claim Obama is Hitler. Because anything Hitler says MUST be something that Obama said.


Not so much.

Since when our party was just seven men, we already spoke two solid phrases: First, it wanted to be a true world view party. And, hence, secondly, you uncompromisingly wanted the only and sole power in Germany. It wasn’t the intellectuals who gave me the courage to undertake this task….I found the courage because I encountered two classes. Country people and German workers.

Hm. Weird.

Let me if i can paraphrase this – A small bunch of guys, pissed of at the intellectuals, got together to figure out how rip down the existing power structure and “take back the country” by forcing out the people they considered evil. The took their message to the poor country folk and the workers pissed off about the economy and stirred them to action.  And they really, really disliked Jews, Blacks, Gays and Gypsies…and tramps and thieves. Once roused and enraged, they took pride in the fact that they were an angry mob.  They used physical intimidation and brutality to get their way. They shouted down their opponents.

As always, your mileage may vary, but I’m not sure this describes Obama or any of his supporters. Indeed, this sounds more like the average teabagger, shouting down people in wheelchairs, carrying Obama monkeys, carrying nooses and guns to health care town halls.

But, like Reagan said, facts are stupid things.

In Which I Present An Example Of How xtians Talk Out Of Both Sides Of Their Mouths

February 16th, 2010 No comments

You know – I realize that I tend to shit on xtians here. Let me again remind you that xtians aren’t Christians. Christians believe that Jesus died to save the world from sin. They believe that He walked among us calling for peace, love and tolerance, healing the sick, and telling people not to act like assholes.

xtians believe that Jesus believed in free market economy, that the poor (especially the non-white poor) were leaches and fuck the sick. xtians lie through their stubby teeth ground down from years of gnawing on the bones of the suckers who donate money to their mega-churches.

Most, but not all of them, suffer from a psychosis that renders them incapable of seeing the world anything less than a festering pit of sin that God will destroy because everyone in it (except them, of course) sucks. Sure, when backed into a corner, they’ll claim that they, too, need salvation.  But they don’t really mean it. They know God really likes them best and the rest of us will roast.

In the movie, True Romance, Christopher Walken (as a crime boss) has an amazing scene where he tells Dennis Hopper about the 17 pantomimes that every liar plays. That kept going through my head as I listened to Tony “Not The Gay Guy That Killed Janet Leigh In Psycho” Perkins sound so unbelievably since in his agreement with Obama that the country needs unity.

HUH? Perkins who spouts the most miserable characterizations of the President of the United States (remember, dissent is no longer treason anymore) agrees with him on something.  That just can’t be true! Well, listen for yourself!

1 – Agree That Unity Is A Good Thing…Well…Civility

He’s so reasonable! Kind, calm, thoughtful. He agrees that Obama seems headed on the right track. However, no sooner does he say that then the pivoting starts. “Unity” can’t be achieved since…well, Obama is a scumbag that wants to destroy America BUT if we change “Unity” to “Civility” it’s kind of the same thing so he still agrees with the POTUS.  He’s just a man that loves God on an island reasonableness stuck in a stinking sea of Satanists.

2 – Put Yourself On The Defensive

He still agrees that Obama’s call for Unity Civility only helps the country. Notice how in this part how he continues this “hat in hand” bit. Yes, the democrats won the election. He’s an American. He believes in democracy. Oh, yeah, and civility. The US used to be a Godly country and now it’s run by…well, maybe not Satan but at least his advance guard. Perkins knows that in this new America sooner or later, Christians will get their throats cut because believing in God is “controversial”.  “It’s ok,” he assures us.  He “gets it”. I love God. The US hates me.  No biggee!

3 – Be A Uniter Not A Diviner

Tony Perkins, during his time in the House, got along with everybody! Just because he believed in God and everyone else didn’t…that didn’t mean that they all couldn’t hang out together. Why? Because he doesn’t hate. At all. Yes, homosexuals want to rape children in bathrooms. Yes, the only reason that we have AIDS is because gays and Democrats aren’t shipped off and quarantined from 10% of Americans that go to church regularly. Yes, the fictitious “homosexual agenda” runs our schools teaching our kids to like homosexuals rather than beat the living shit out of them the way they deserve. And, yes, gay people (with the help of Obama) want to pass laws that will make heterosexuals get divorces and force them to marry gay people. BUT – he doesn’t hate them. He prays for them. What’s so bad about praying for a group of people that want to destroy the American way of life and kill God? Answer: nothing.

4 – Trust But Villify

Ok, with Perkins’ “God is Love” bona fides, firmly in place, it’s time to re-affirm that Obama’s basic message of Unity Civility can be gotten behind. However…Obama still likes that homosexuals that that want to destroy the American way of life and kill God and even wants to help them. That’s a problem. And it shows up in the way he poo-poos and twists the meaning of  the good work that xtians want to do in Uganda with killing gay people. “Oh, you silly gays and liberals”, he intones, “we…errrr…the Ugandans don’t want to kill gay people. They simply want to kill any gay person capable of killing an innocent person because of their gayness. See, only gays have AIDS. When gays have sex they transmit AIDS. A lot of times to children…poor orphaned children! AIDS kills people. So whenever a gay guy (because it’s never lesbians with these folks) has sex, he’s killed someone, which is to say, he commits murder. So Obama condones murder and…well…how can you reason with someone that does that?”

5 – Logically, It’s All His Fault

Using the above, Perkins, rather abandons the “hat in hand-aww-shucks-we’re-the-underdog” posture and passive-aggressively weasels his way from the oppressed to the victor. You can’t be civil with someone who supports crime.  It’s a helluva trick considering that last step.

6- Civility Is Absolute Bullshit With The Godless

This is a brilliantly fucked up sentence – “When you have the conflicting world views, you are not going to be able to resolve those simply by calling for civility. Now, again, we treat each other with kindness and speak out of love…”

This is where a dictionary comes in handy:

Civility: Courteous behavior; politeness.

Hm. Kindness and love almost sound like civility. But it can’t be civility. Because in order to have a civil discussion about homosexuals, Perkins says, “you have to drop the truth” about murderous homosexuals raping children, destroying America and trying to kill God and “friends, that…will…never…work.”

Now. Go back and play the first clip again where he talks about “Unity and Civility” as a “laudable goal”.

Why did it take Perkins a week to get around to talking about Obama’s prayer breakfast speech?  Because the shit that he spewed is so complex, targeted and evil that it took that long to write.

In Which I’m Busy But I Have Post This

February 9th, 2010 No comments

I am SO digging the American Family Association‘s American Family Radio podcast. It’s so chock full xtian hilarity, I may just not recover!

On the lame Focus on the Family Tebow Superbowl ad, they try so hard not to offend Dobson that they can barely talk.  They declare victory by trotting out an editorial from a  “liberal” columnist who claims that the global warming debate is over.  And since the global warming debate is dead, then cap and trade is dead. They repeatedly refer the the editorial as an “article”. Oh.  Yeah.  And she’s Canadian! Since when did wingnuts start caring about what the rest of the world says?  DOH! When they agree with the wingnuts! I forgot that xtians heart moral relativism. Color me embarrassed!

But it gets better! A bill called The Student Non-Discrimination Act got introduced on 1/27/10 that basically says don’t beat up LGBT kids. OR DOES IT??? Well, if you factor in the boy in Fulton, MS that got sent home from school for crossdressing then it all makes sense: if The Student Non-Discrimination Act gets passed it means that KINDERGARTEN BOYS WILL COME TO SCHOOL DRESSED AS GIRLS AND PERFORM HOMOSEXUAL ACTS IN THE CLASSROOM!!! I swear that they will!! How do you even make this shit up? It requires leaps of logic that are…well…biblical. (Me so FUNEE!)

Last but not least comes the best radio ad I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s for a company called Medi-Share (which in the ad sounds like “meta-share” making it harder to find – nice job, copywriters). Medi-Share is “where Christians share each other’s medical expenses much like the early church did 2000yrs ago.” Whoa! Jesus had an HMO? (“Yeaaaaah, I’m sorry, Jesus, but those nail wounds aren’t covered. You can pay out of pocket for them to get sutured or you can let ’em heal on their own.”) But, like a competently written comedy, you save the punchline for the end.  Really. It’s only a minute long. Listen to the whole thing. You won’t be disappointed!

Medi-Share Radio Ad

gtg, as the kids say!

In Which The Placement Of Sarah’s Jacket Provides A Metaphor For Teabagging

February 8th, 2010 No comments

Quick quiz:

You’ve just spent $57,000 to buy the jacket Sarah Palin wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge”. What do you do with it?

A: Give to your wife as a Christmas present
B: Resell it
C: Put it in an unused bathroom
D: Hermetically seal it and keep it at Iron Mountain

The answer is, of course, C.  Which is pretty hilarious.

To hear the teabaggers speak of Palin, you’d think that owning her jacket might come close to owning an artifact of some saint – like one of Mother Theresa’s ovararies. But, instead, motivational speaker and xtain, John G. Miller, spent $57,000 to throw it in an unused bathroom.

Sarah’s Jacket

Hardly a place of honor or respect. In fact, as Miller points out, “I hope that someone doesn’t wash their face and dry it on the jacket!”

Let’s make sure we understand the set up – John G. Miller, father of seven kids, spent $57,000 to buy Sarah Palin’s jacket. It fits his wife “perfectly” but she won’t wear it. Maybe she doesn’t like red. Who knows? Either way, it’s taken out of commission as something useful. It’s been robbed of its purpose. It’s not even special enough to take care of. Instead, it hangs silently in a bathroom, something to take a look at while you’re shitting out today’s lunch. Even a book of bathroom jokes conveys more utility on the owner than Sarah Palin’s jacket. He doesn’t even care enough about it to put it on display in the living room when his wingnut friends come over to pray for God’s removal of Obama from office.

“Hey! What’s that?!”
“Sarah Palin’s jacket. The one she wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge.”
“Wow! That’s really inspiring!”
“She’s got such great ideas and I really admire her”

The jacket, like the teabaggers, exists as, literally, an empty suit. It’s not useful. It contributes nothing.  It means nothing. It doesn’t show devotion to the cause. Instead, like those who ponied up $400-700 just to show up at the “convention” it simply says “I’m rich enough to be part of a grassroots movement of ‘ordinary’ people.”

It’s placement in the bathroom says the jacket means shit.

In Which If You’ve Got A Couple Of Bux…

February 6th, 2010 No comments

Hey –

I keep this site ad-free for the half-dozen or so folks that stop by. There’s really no reason for me to do a fund drive but, since I’m headed down to the North Carolina Comedy Festival next week for my first comedy festival and I’d like to not sleep under bridges and dumpster dive, if you’ve got a few dollars lying around just taking up space, why not consider funding the arts? You’ll get a lovely thank you email and, if you’d like, a copy of either “Songs To Stop People From Bein’ Gay” or “The Best Of The Hour Of Bein’ Good”!  Downloadable OR on a brand new shiny CD with a label and everything!  Srsly!

Use the PayPal donation thingy somewhere in the vicinity of here ———>

Anywho – Thanks for stopping by and wish me luck!

Categories: Navel (Gazing At) Tags:

In Which Helpful Hints Are Given To George Whipple

February 5th, 2010 No comments

George, you’re right. I’m done responding to you. You had a pretty good troll there and then you fucked it up.

For those of you who are NOT George, allow me to explain. George showed up on my Facebook page spouting a very convincing liberal persona.  He kept it up and slowly switched gears until he passed over into troll-land. And, after getting called out on it, continued.  And still continues.

What is a troll? A troll can either be someone who just wants to stir up trouble and talk shit or, in my case, pushes the boundaries just over the borders of common sense to show wingnuts just how fucking insane they are. Of course, it works both ways, as George theoretically understands.  I say “theoretically” since, despite giving him some coaching, he doesn’t quite understand.

The key is consistency. Know who you’re targeting and learn the lingo. In this case, it’s very important to color inside the lines so that the crossover into crazy-land makes sense.

He almost had it down. In a discussion about Scott Brown and voting he started off slow so that when he advocated that anyone in the US, legal or illegal, should be allowed to vote because everyone deserved representation because they were here…well, I had to scratch my head. It was crazy, sure, but the build felt so logical that I honestly couldn’t be sure.

But then he jumped the shark.

I don’t care how big a psychotic PUMA you are, if you’re still whining about Clinton not getting the nomination then you’re either mentally ill or a troll. More telling, you’re NOT going to refer to Obama as “Barry O”. Nor would a non-vagina-ed liberal feminist take a potshot about a guy watching Project Runway “in a snuggie sipping tea”.  A non-vagina-ed liberal would be more likely to pull up a comforter and crack open some Robert Bly.

Another tip: Get some history before you go live. That is to say, write a bunch of stuff FIRST to establish who you are BEFORE you start trolling. You need to build up your bona fides so that when you start friending/following people it looks like you’re real. If you’re serious about trolling then this shouldn’t be too hard. You already know your reason for trolling so full steam ahead! My suggestion is a couple of status updates/tweets a day for a couple of weeks. Then go live.  Build your foundation first.

Also – know when to stop. Trolling is not baiting. Once you sense the target is bored, then find some new pastures to graze in. Nothing kills your troll like constant pestering. You start looking like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and no one likes to think about dead bunnies.  Well…most people don’t like to think about dead bunnies. Your mileage, of course, may vary.

That said, it’s been nice not-knowing you. You’re more than welcome hurl whatever insults you care to at me. I won’t bother to block you. It’s really not worth it.

As to who you are, I’m guessing it begins with a D.


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In Which Bryan Fischer Illustrates Everything That Is Wrong With Xtians

February 4th, 2010 No comments

Let’s say that I believe so strongly that jaywalking presents such an imminent threat to society that draconian enforcement policies must be put in place or America will be destroyed. I come to the table and present my evidence showing that jaywalking increases the number of pedestrians hit by cars, which increases the number of broken bones, which increase ER visits, which increases the number of people who get addicted to oxycontin, which increases crime, which increases…well, you get the idea. I present my case passionately. I show myself to be a true believer and I will not back down until I single-handedly save America…with, of course the help of the lobbies for the companies that paint crosswalk lines.

Many boring hours later, I wrap up the presentation and open the floor for questions. A gentlemen stands up and asks, “what do you think should be done to jaywalkers?”

“Whatever you think is best,” I answer.

“No. I’m asking what YOU would do,” he responds.

“I’m saying that I’m comfortable with the penalty that you would impose,” I say politley.

“So, you don’t have an answer to the question,” he frowns.

“I’ve GIVEN you and answer to the question,” I tartly reply.

“No, you haven’t at all.  Let me ask again: what do you think should be done to jaywalkers?”

“And I told you, simply and directly, that I would do whatever you thought was best. Are you pro-jaywalking? Do you think people should be allowed to cross the street wherever they want when the overwhelming evidence shows that it could lead to the destruction of America?”

“Look,” he sputters, “I…”

“YOU’RE the one not answering the question! What do YOU think should be done?! When you can tell me what YOU think would be done with jaywalkers then you will know MY answer, but instead, you stand there refusing to talk civilly about this issue instead, preferring to berate ME and…”

This goes on for twenty minutes until the man finally walks away. And I declared victory.

This is exactly what happened on the Alan Colmes show when American Family Association fucktard, Bryan Fischer, came on to ostensibly defend his statement that

It might be worth noting that what I actually suggested is that we impose the same sanctions on those who engage in homosexual behavior as we do on those who engage in intravenous drug abuse, since both pose the same kind of risk of contracting HIV/AIDS. I’d be curious to know what you think should be done with IV drug abusers, because whatever it is, I think the same response should be made to those who engage in homosexual behavior.

(NOTE: Right Wing Watch has the audio with this segment)

I must insist that you listen to the whole thing. Everything you need to know about how completely fucked up xtians are gets wrapped up in one tidy package. Fischer lies and then refuses to listen to the refutation of those lies. Fischer, as Colmes points out to him, makes grand statements and then lacks the courage of his conviction to back those statements up. He plays circular logic games like the one above and, of course, talks over Colmes while Colmes tries to get through to him that they are coming up on break…which is even funnier because Fischer chides Colmes for doing that exact same thing at the top of the segment…and THEN demands respect “as a guest on your show.”

If you’re a student of the rhetorical tricks and semantic games that wingnuts (and sometimes liberals) use to avoid having to back up what they, this piece of audio is really all you’ll ever need to listen to. I despise the word “primer”, but that’s what it is.

In any other context, this might be the funniest Bob and Ray sketch ever written. Sadly, though, Fischer, though playing games, is deadly serious.