Article II section I of the Constitution of the United States reads, “No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty-five years, and been fourteen years a resident within the United States.” It speaks once more to the comedic genius of the founding fathers that they neglected to specifically exclude those who were batshit crazy. Here then, is a brief overview of some of the candidates and parties the elitist main stream media didn’t get around to covering.
Ted Weill/Frank McEnulty – The Reform Party
Remember H. Ross Perot? Ok. Perhaps you’re too young. Do you remember H. Ross Parrot on Sesame Street?
Same guy. In 1996, Perot and his money formed the Reformed party without forming the Form Party first. This, besides the fact that he’s a whack job, added to his defeat in that election although he garnered almost 19% of the vote. Ted Weill graciously stepped aside to allow Ralph Nader to continue to believe he mattered and run as the party’s candidate but in 2008, but now it’s Ted’s turn to shine. His running mate, Frank McEnulty has the distinction of being the only person in the 2008 race to run as a VP for the Reform Party, but also to run as the presidential candidate for the New American Independent Party…which had to change its name from the American Independent Party and before that, the New Originals.
Thomas Stevens/Alden Link – Objectivist Party
The Objectivist Party was formed to suck up to Ayn Rand, who probably would have told them to go fuck themselves and wouldn’t have given them a dime.
Unless you live in Florida or Colorado, you needed to write in the Stevens/Alden ticket. And unless you’re a fan of selfishly destroying buildings you created or shrugging, the Objectivist Party most likely never made it on to your radar made of a green, glowing miracle steel that only the cool kids got to play with.
Chuck Baldwin/Darrell Castle – Constitution Party
If you like guns and Jesus and hate homosexuals and the IRS, then you missed your chance to vote for the Constitution Party. However, if you’re still spamming every digital venue with Ron Paul 08 garbarge, then you might have voted for them since Ron Paul, once medicated, chose to endorse it. If you thrill to the word “President Pat Buchanan”, then I can’t really say I’m sorry.
Bob Barr/Wayne Allyn Root – Libertarian Party
No matter how much this might look like the uncle who molested you that bittersweet Christmas a few years ago, it’s really Libertarian candidate, Bob Barr. The concept Libertarianism states that we are all individuals, able to make our own choices and that big-G Government exists only to take our freedoms away. To that end, Barr is anti-abortion and anti-same sex marriage. He also has a concealed weapon permit, so don’t ask about those things. Like Sarah Palin, his running mate, Wayne Allyn Root, has unimpeachable bona fides – he hosted and produced the infomercial, Wayne Allyn Root’s Winning Edge, a television show which promotes his sports handicapping operation and has his own star on the Las Vegas Walk of Stars.
Charles Jay/Thomas L. Knapp – Boston Tea Party
If you hate the war, hate the government spying on you and love shooting guns while stoned out of your fucking mind, then the Boston Tea Party is for you. It’s difficult to understand why this party only has 534 members, unless, of course
…wait…I was going to say something…um [laughs manically]…duuude…I forgot! [Takes bite of Twinkie]
Alan Keyes/Brian Rohrbough – Independent
Our own Billy Bob Neck’s favorite candidate, some folks say Keyes is a baaaaaad mother-
Shut yer, mouth
I’m talkin’ about Keyes
Am I supposed to say something here? Is this one of yer comedy things?
Too crazy for even the Libertarians or the Constitution Party, Keyes finally found a home in America’s Independent Party. It’s rumored that in his basement, Keyes has a blue-screen and spends his days pretending that he’s actually made it inside one of the presidential debates and that he’s doing really well. His running mate, Brian Rohrbough, lost a son in the Columbine shootings and, rather than devote his life to tightening gun laws, decided to work towards the more attainable goal of eradicating the “culture of death”
Cynthia McKinney/Rosa Clemente – Green Party
2008 will go down in history as the year that almost caused the heads of liberal democrats to explode. Do I vote for the black man or the white woman? The choice was easily solved by voting for the black woman – Cynthia McKinney, the Green Party Candidate. McKinney fought tirelessly against the 2000 election voter fraud and introduced articles of impeachment against Bush in 2006. Buuut, she’s also a 9/11 truther and punched a Capitol policeman for not knowing who she was. Her running mate, Rosa Clemente is a Hip Hop Activist, which is really cool, except that…she’s a hip-hop activist.
It had to sooo suck to be a socialist this year watching Obama become the poster child for a political ideology he didn’t even support. What’s worse, as McCain/Palin mangled the meaning of socialism, there were not one but THREE actual socialists running – each with their own name, platform and deep seated hatred of the other socialist in the race. Since, as Mark Twain once said, “socialism is the cancer of comedy” we’ll just flash their names on screen and leave it at that.
Brian Moore/Stewart Alexander – Socialist Party
Gloria La Riva/Eugene Puryear – Socialist and Liberation Party
Róger Calero/Alyson Kennedy – Socialist Workers Party
Frank McEnulty/ “Mad” Max Riekse/Richard Fleharty/Richard Clark/Fred Scheffler/Alan Czyzewski /Patricia Rubacky/David Mangan/Samuel Hoff/Mark Graham – The New American Independent Party
Remember these guys?
It’s a callback to that original joke about the New American Independent Party. With the oppressive number of fringe parties we’ve covered, why, then, would we come back to talk about one that already got mentioned in passing? Because The New American Independent party is the only party to truly think outside the box: They have TEN vice presidential nominees
That’s right, if they win tonight, Max Riekse, Richard Fleharty, Richard Clark, Fred Scheffler, Alan Czyzewski , Patricia Rubacky, David Mangan, Samuel Hoff and Mark Graham will Each have the honor of become President Frank McEnulty’s vice president. Just try and stop them.
On the face of it, it’s obvious that, while Libertarian in nature, ten vice presidents would needlessly balloon the size of the government.
Gene Amondson/Leroy Pletten – The Prohibition Party
Established in 1869, It took the Prohibition Party a scant 50 years to achieve their goal of ridding the United States of the scourge of alcohol. Sure, Prohibition only lasted 14 years or a fifth of the time it took to achieve their goal, but like Communism or the electric car, it’s merely a dream deferred.
Amondson tours the country as a Billy Sunday impersonator.
Pletten was fired from his government job for blowing the whistle on people who drank and did drugs. Like VP candidate, Sarah Palin, his VP qualifications are stellar – he’s “been elected twice to the board of directors of his condominium owner’s association.“
Although, the Prohibition party rarely cracks 1000 votes any given election, that’s a pretty good sized AA meeting. In 2012, take a look at the Prohibition Party. Or at least be a pal and friend them on MySpace.