Archive for April, 2008

In Which You Can Write The Reason And Still Not See The Reason

April 26th, 2008 12 comments

Sweet fucking merciful christ.

Let’s say that you’re a really shitty poet and I mean really fucking bad – you rhyme “moon” with “room” – that level of bad. You, of course, think you’re the best poet since Burma-Shave which you hold to be the height of poetry. So you take your shitty little poems to a literary agent who, much to your shock, tells you they suck. More than that, he gives you his gun and requests that you shoot yourself right in front of him to make sure that you never, ever write another shitty poem again. You are not dissuaded, though, and march to the next agent…and the next…and the next. Every agent you annoy asks you to kill yourself.

Undaunted, but a little tired, you pick up a copy of Grit magazine and sit down on a bench with a bottle of Maddog 20/20. As you thumb through the pages, an ad catches your eye – “GREAT POETS WANTED!” This outfit wants YOUR poetry to put together a book of the best unpublished poetry and all you have to do is send the $500 and you’re in! HAPPY DAY! You get a money order and mail it off immediately.

A few weeks later, while waiting for confirmation of your literary genius, you hear about some crummy poet that uses big words and knows what an “allusion” is. It turns out there’s a bidding war between all the publishers you visited to publish this hack’s lousy stuff. HOW DARE THEY?! Don’t they know true talent when they see it??

Keep this in mind when you read the following from papa tard

What turns out to be even more interesting about counsel for Tubesocktedd is that I in fact contacted and discussed my case with this Klimaski office and one of their attorney’s in January/February 2008 seeking representation. After sending the firm an email seeking representation, I was contacted by a lady named Donna. I was informed after explaining everything to Donna, several days later, that Mr. Klimaski did not believe he could assist me. Now something smells really fishy here.

How divorced from reality do you have to be NOT to understand this?

Hm. A respectable lawyer reviewed the case and said “get lost”. A lawyer that defends pimps and prostitutes said “sure, why the fuck not?”. What on EARTH might it mean when the lawyer that turned you down is willing to defend someone in the case they refused to take? Might, and I’m just throwing ideas out there, might it mean that reputable lawyers think that your lawsuit is absolute shit?

No, no. It couldn’t mean that. It just means that they’re “high priced” in the pejorative sense of the word. Of course, if they took your case they wouldn’t be “high priced” they’d be “the best”.

As to

Question is, what is so important about the identities of these people and their postings that they require such expensive lawyers to try and keep it a secret?

the answer does NOT lie in your morphine prescription. It’s really quite simple. They don’t want their private names, addresses and phone numbers strewn all over the web by a two-bit amoral scumbag.

Shall I repeat that?

Why do you, Laaaaaaaaaaaaary, feel the need to sue bloggers when you could, as you have repeatedly claimed, prove your case to the media and let them destroy Obama for you? Why do you, Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary, think that a judge and jury will be less rigorous than the conservative cunts at Fox News? Tell me – why hasn’t the Globe followed up on your story? Why hasn’t the Enquirer jumped in? Why do you need to troll around for circumstantial evidence with your “contact me if you’ve had homo sex with Obama” bullshit when you keep insisting that your case against him is air tight?


You promised at the beginning that you had enough slam dunk evidence to put Obama away. But you don’t really. Otherwise it would be done.

[Hundreds of extra words of scorn and derision deleted as a small token of civility]

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In Which There Might Be Something To Physignomy

April 24th, 2008 5 comments

Physignomy(Gk. physis, nature and gnomon, judge, interpreter) is a theory based upon the idea that the assessment of the person’s outer appearance, primarily the face, may give insights into one’s character or personality. The term physiognomy can also refer to the general appearance of a person, object or terrain, without reference to its implied or scientific characteristics.

One of these gentlemen wants to chop of the heads of pimps. One of these gentlemen defends them in court on the grounds that the johns broke a contractual agreement.  One of these gentlemen is a dead beat dad.  One gives speeches to American Nazis on Hitler’s birthday.  Both are lawyers.  Both are scumbags.

Is it just coinicidence they look like father and son?

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In Which Kismet Is Misogynistically Amusing

April 24th, 2008 3 comments

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In Which They Are Planning A Boycott

April 21st, 2008 8 comments

No, seriously.  I’m supposed to be seen by the booker for David Letterman and the larrytards apparently plan on using their vast muscle and media savvy to make sure that I don’t get on TV.  Of course, in the larrytard universe I don’t have a chance to begin with since I’m a fat, unfunny faggot.  Givent that, they could save a lot of time and effort getting a second job to help finance papa tard’s lawsuit against bloggers instead of telling Letterman not to book a fat, unfunny faggot.  Logic?  Fuhgeddaboutit.  There is no logic in larrytard land.  (Hm.  Not a bad theme park idea – Larrytard Land.)

Still, if I look at it in the right way, is very, very possible since they managed to keep papa tard off TV.  Hm.  I’ll have to think that through a little more thoroughly.

Anywho, not to get too Charles Foster Kane about it but I want to help speed my destruction so here’s a jumping off point for the larrytards to jump off of.  And let’s save the whole awkward “thank you”, “you’re welcome” thing for some other time.

Dear Edddie,

I’m sorry to say that I don’t actually know your last name and googling “edddie” and “letterman” has not helped me find your last name. You may want to have someone fix that. I’m sure that you lose a lot of good comedy performers because they can’t get in touch with you.

Anyway, Edddie, I want to introduce myself. My name is put your name here. I’m writing you to know that if a certain Paul Day (aka Mitch, Craig, Denise, Dee-rob, Concerned Citizen and about 62 other names that I won’t waste your time with because I’m sure you’re a busy man even though it’s very hard to get in touch with you) is allowed to appear on the Tonight Show with David Letterman that you will lose a guaranteed one million viewers and probably more.

Paul Day (aka Mitch, Craig, Denise, Dee-rob, Concerned Citizen, etc) is a paid blogger for Barack Obama who is paid to tell lies, distortions and outright not real things via a blog about Lawrence W. Sinclair. As you no doubt know from reading such important news sources as The Globe Magazine, The Key To Freedom and the Jeff Rense Show, Lawrence W. Sinclair had oral sex and did drugs with Barack Obama in 1999 in the back of a limo in Chicago, IL. This is the most important story of the 21st century and Paul Day (aka Mitch, Craig, Denise, Dee-rob, Concerned Citizen etc) has been hired by the Obama campaign, David Axelrod and Democratic National Committee to make Mr. Sinclair appear to be a paranoid, foolish, insane, stupid, crazy person which, as you can tell simply by looking at him, he is not.

While it’s true that Mr. Sinclair has had some minor run ins with the law, including a completely unjustified 12-year prison sentence, there is no reason to persecute him. The fact is he has remained clear of any criminal activity since 2007 and he has yet to be arrested for that. Mr. Sinclair has done his best to divulge every single facet of his life and yet Paul Day (aka Mitch, Craig, Denise, Dee-rob, Concerned Citizen) and the other Obama supporters continue to claim to find new crimes that Mr. Sinclair has never been charged with or that are so old that I doubt even you, Edddie, could remember they happened. Is this fair? I hope you can see that it is not.

There are at least two million people who support Mr. Sinclair. We are dedicated to finding out the truth. Mr. Sinclair has told us the truth and we believe him. Paul Day (aka Mitch, Craig, Denise, Dee-rob, Concerned Citizen) are liars who claim to be telling the truth but they are fat, lying faggots who must think that we are stupid and can’t see that Barack Obama is a gay, Negro, crackhead murderer, which he is. Whether you are pro-Obama (which there is no way that any real thinking person could be) or not you cannot escape the fact that where there is smoke there is fire…AND CRACK COCAINE. To not demand that Barack Obama come forward and address these charges is to allow the US to be a laughing stock when the President of the United States is arrested in the White House for dealing drugs and murdering people.

That is why, Edddie, if you allow Paul Day ((aka Mitch, Craig, Denise, Dee-rob, Concerned Citizen etc) to appear on the Tonight Show with David Letterman we can guarantee you that three million people will never watch your show again.

If you do, watch your back and you can take that in any way you want.


Put your name here

PS – If you would please talk to ABC News and help us get this story out into the Main Stream Media then we will guarantee that four million people will start watching ABC News.

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In Which There’s A New Source For Papa Tard News

April 21st, 2008 1 comment

I’ve been fairly useless lately in general.  I’m on vacation, sure, but even before that I found my joie d’ peev fading somewhat.  So, I’m pleased to announce the creation of

The Mitch And Nan Show!

Mitch and Nan have tirelessly used every tool at their disposal to ensure that should hell freeze over (or papa tard actually get a trial date) his whole web of woeful wackiness will waft…um…wow, what was I going for with all those W’s?  What I’m trying to say is that they continue to compile the most (and probably ONLY) through compendium of the laughability of papa tard anywher near the ballpark of credibility.

But, as they say, they’re French and Jewish so none of what they write is probably true.

Fucking frogs.

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In Which Obama Has Been Busy

April 21st, 2008 3 comments

[I’m still on vacation but I couldn’t help finding out, on behalf of papa tard, what new malfeasance Obama is guilty of]

3 Chicago Kids Missing After Mother’s Murder

36 shootings, 9 homicides reported in Chicago over weekend

Agriculture futures fall sharply on Chicago Board of Trade

Earthquake Hits Illinois; Felt 230 Miles Away in Chicago

Added by Papa Tard – Mr. So-Called Obama, America sees you for what you really are.  We are not deceived by your words from mouth.  All of you Obamabots need to wake up to the fact that THIS WILL BE YOUR FUTURE!  Obama as president will kill children, kill adults, cause the death of American agriculture and cause earthquakes.  THE ONLY WAY TO STOP HIM IS TO SUE AS MANY PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH ME AS POSSIBLE.

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In Which I’m Going On Vacation

April 18th, 2008 27 comments

No, I won’t be fishing.

No, I won’t be camping.

No, it’s not really a vacation when you have to wake up at 5am to start it.


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In Which The Spam Is As Amusing As Ever

April 16th, 2008 1 comment

Subject: Hillari Clinton stood up for daughter

Message: New a porno film with Paris Hilton Kidman!!!   New video!

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In Which I’m Twittering The Debate

April 16th, 2008 36 comments

join me at or follow @hbeeinc with twhirl.

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In Which Then You Do It For Money

April 16th, 2008 2 comments

Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

Well, kind of.  But I would like to call attention to the little PayPal do-hickey I just put in.  The sad fact of the matter is that I’m truly enjoying lying in bed and writing.  I’d like to do more of it.  Lots more of it.

As you might know, I’m a self-employed geek and (again, sadly) just had a client succumb to the recession the bush administration claims we’re not in yet.  That means that in the structure of trickle-down economics my income just decreased, too.  While this is not a good thing, it also provides some impetus make up that money by casting about for freelance writing jobs and stand up gigs.

As a result, I’ll be putting up some annoying monetizing widgets as well as letting folks know that should their company need some snappy copy written (and, fuck, yes, I can write profanity-free) that I’m available.

And, of course, if you’re in the Boston area and you’re company just laid of its IT staff or your own computer needs a little work, I’m available, too.  Let’s not move too quickly on this whole lying-in-bed-and-writing thing.

Anywho – sorry for the ads, etc.  I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t necessary.

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