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Archive for March, 2008

In Which I’m Going To Follow The Oracle Tonight

March 31st, 2008 5 comments

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Blockbuster to rent a Wii game.  I’m a Netflix guy (and getting more addicted to their instant movie collection – PARALLAX VIEW!) but Netflix doesn’t rent video games.  More’s the pity.  In the days of Gamecube, it was almost impossible to find a decent game IN STOCK let alone actually sitting on the shelf to rent.  Now many copies of the pre-Wii Zelda did they stock?  One.  Nintendo is now kick serious ass which is borne out by their shelf space…AND the fact that they’ve got four copies of Smash Bros. AND that one of them was available.  This is unheard of.  Completely unprecedented.  So, in just a few minutes I’m going to glory in favor of the Wii gods and have a Larry-free night.

One thing, though.  If you get a chance, check out Monday Countdown on MSNBC.  It has Olbermann’s first Special Comment (“The Specialest Comment” as the caption said).  Edward R. Murrow has always been a hero of mine.  When Murrow decided to expose the lies and hypocrisy of McCarthy a drunken, a-moral scumbag who robbed Americans of the livelihood and, in some cases, lives simply because for his own sad power grab, he risked everything and CBS backed him up despite the real possibility of the destruction of the network.  It’s overblown to see an insignificant little pool of piss like Larry Sinclair as McCarthy but the paradigm is similar.  Sinclair, too, believes (possibly honestly, but I doubt it) that he has America’s best interests at heart.  Sinclair, too, claims to have evidence which he never lets anyone see.  Sinclair, too, wants to destroy reputations of the honest and the innocent.  The main difference, of course, is that McCarthy had actual power.  In the age of the internet and the power of lies you don’t need power.  You only need a computer and a dozen or so hard-core adherents born from the splatter of your diabetic shit.

Am I just as grandiose as Sinclair is in my battle to stuff him back into the outhouse he sprung from?  Does he matter?  Am I taking this too seriously?  I don’t know.  I do know that when I heard the words of Murrow tonight I almost wept because they are the words that we, as Americans should have our children recite every day – not some mindless, meaningless Pledge of Allegiance.

We must remember always that accusation is not proof and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law. We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason, if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men— not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were, for the moment, unpopular.

This is no time for men who oppose Senator McCarthy’s methods to keep silent, or for those who approve. We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result. There is no way for a citizen of a republic to abdicate his responsibilities. As a nation we have come into our full inheritance at a tender age. We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.

I’ll say it again – Sinclair does not care about America.  If he did, he would have defended it by now instead of whispering like a coward and manipulating the feeble minded.  So, once more, fuck you and the evil and disgrace that you bring upon yourself, Mr. Sinclair.  I do not wish violence upon you.  My wish for you is that when the time comes for your death, that not one person deigns to lower themselves to come to your funeral.  I hope that you die alone.

Ok.  That’s done.

Now, if I stay up too late it’ll be cause Smash Bros. is the best game ever engineered.

In Which I’d Almost Do It For Free

March 31st, 2008 1 comment

I really need to start getting my ass out there and getting some freelance gigs.  I’ve got a sparky, spunky style that’s just begging to increase somebody’s circulation or add some zeros to somebody’s bottom line.  I’ve often joked with my wife that if I ever got cynical enough, I’d go into writing ad copy.  What about this – a cross-marketing thing with Disney with Bambi, Thumper and a bunch of other woodland creature happily bounding into a Hummer to prove that it’s actually more healthy for the enviroment than a Prius?!!  Tagline – “Hummer…while you work!”  C’mon!  That oughta at least get my foot in the door somewhere!  Maybe a flat screen TV?  Maybe?  $20 gift card to Starbucks?

Whatever.

I know I’ve gotta work from the bottom up so let me start by working for free on John McCain’s campaign.  Yes, I know I know I voted for Kucinich, but I’m really fucking tired of fixing computers.  That said – my first act is to fire the halfwit that wrote subject line for McCain’s latest fundraising email –

Last Chance to Ride the Straight Talk Express

First off, are we in Jr. High School?  How about a chance to win a dozen of Mrs. McCain’s famous butter cookies?  A raffle to ride with McCain on the Straight Talk Express?  Will he tell me about Pearl Harbor?  The words “Last Chance”, IMHFO, should never be used in reference to your own candidate.  It makes it sound like McCain will croak soon, which he may well do.

Leave a comment with the exorbitant amount of money you’ll pay me for sitting in my bathrobe, please.

You’re Welcome.

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In Which Grains Of Salt Should Be Taken With (Or Something)

March 30th, 2008 10 comments

Folks, I’m not shutting this down.  I was fucking with D.  She’s a real pain in the ass – always has been and always will be.  (Note – While this is true, it’s said with the love that only exists between two people who have spent far too much time watching shitty comics in horrible open mics.)  I’m not pissed at anybody or anything that anybody has said.  It’s just me being a comic giving another comic shit.  Which is one of our favorite past times.

And now, I have to go weep.  Larry took down his Paul Day shrine and I am sad.  Here is something, then, that is true – Larry Sinclair is a cocktease.

In Which A Court Ruled and Larry Gives Toothy Blowjobs

March 30th, 2008 28 comments

Quiz time!

A two parter

1) You’re a three time loser who’s last chance to hit the big time involves an allegation of having sex and doing drugs with a presidential candidate.  People keep holding your feet to the fire and telling you to shit or get off the pot.  Your federal case against pretty much anyone you could name got dismissed because, “‘the court shall dismiss the case at any time if the court determines that … the action … is frivolous or malicious…'”  An action is ‘frivolous’ when either: (1) ‘the “factual contentions are clearly baseless,” such as when allegations are the product of delusion or fantasy;’ or (2) ‘the claim is ‘based on an indisputably meritless legal theory.’”  Of course, there’s no reason to tell your supporters about that because they’d stick by you even if Jesus came down and said you were lying.  Still, it’s looking pretty grim. 

A) Out of all the accusations thrown at you which is the best one to prove as true?

  1.  
    1. That you really did have the sex and drugs you said you did
    2. That you really did do them with who you said you did
    3. That you’re not on welfare
    4. That you have your real teeth

 B)  What is the best course of action, then, to prove the veracity of your arguments

  1.  
    1. Produce documentation along with credible witnesses
    2. Produce documentation along with credible witnesses
    3. Produce documentation along with credible witnesses
    4. Post a picture of your teeth on your website

I’m not claiming I’m representative of the general populace but if it were me, I’d probably choose A1 or A2.  And B1 or B2.  HOWEVER, there are some (although I truly hope it’s a tiny, tiny percentage of people) would choose A4 and B4.  I thought the eyes were the windows to the soul.  But I guess it’s the teeth.

BONUS QUESTION!

Some little asshole keeps writing about you to increase the hits on his own website because he’s really jealous that YOUR getting all of this traffic and HE’S just a hack who’s trying to make a lot of money off your name and (lack of) reputation.  The best way to stop people from going to his site is…

  1.  
    1. Stop linking to him
    2. Stop talking about him
    3. Stop sending him emails
    4. Give him his own page on your blog

The answer, of course, is 4.  I didn’t have to tell you that, did I?

In Which Larry Shot JFK And Faked The Moon Landing (And Is Probably a Lizard)

March 30th, 2008 15 comments

If you haven’t seen Who the #$&% Is Jackson Pollock? you can watch it instantly on Netflix.  It’s a documentary about a woman truck driver (and dumpster diver) who finds what she comes to believe is a Jackson Pollock in a thrift store.  This sets her up in extreme opposition to the “art experts” who know for a fact that it can’t be Jackson Pollock because truck drivers don’t find things like that.  She won’t take no for an answer and she won’t take less than 25 million for the painting.  Since she can’t trace the painting from the thrift store she hires an art forensic guy who, after a lot of work, finds a fingerprint match and correlation between the paint on the canvass and the paint on Pollock’s studio floor.  Sounds like an open and shut case, right?  No.  Because the “experts” know real Pollocks from fake Pollocks and it just doesn’t feel like a real Pollock.

The reason I bring this up is that we who rely on reason and evidence to puzzle things out have very little chance in convincing those who go on gut instinct that, say, Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction, God didn’t make the world in seven days OR that Larry Sinclair is lying through his fucking dentures.

Something’s been bugging me lately and it was only with the most recent post that it became clear.  Let’s do a round of “One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other”.  Which of these titles doesn’t belong?  Keep in mind as you puzzle this out that I copy/paste the titles so the case is the same as the original.

  • BARACK OBAMA: Calling on All Persons Sexually Involved With Obama to Step Forward
  • INTRODUCING BARACK OBAMA: Drug Dealer, Drug User, Liar, Intimidator (Is Any One going to Demand Barack Obama Disclose His Past, or Do we Continue to Act Like He Is Above Question?)
  • LOOKS LIKE VIRTUALLYPAUL (Paul Day) IS ASSOCIATED WITH MZMOLLY
  • What Donald Had To Say

What’s the biggest difference?  The first three start off UPPER CASE with a colon and then (kind of ) Title Case.  In the second, the Title Case section kinda moves between cases with no rhyme or reason.  The third, except for Larry’s loving invocation of Beetlejuice, goes all UPPER CASE.  And the fourth…is normal.

It gets odder than that.  The fourth has no spelling or grammar errors at all.  Rather than a stream of consciousness ramble, it’s coherent to the point of readability. And, to top it off, it lacks that unique mix of case, bold, italic and font size that, in some posts, threatens to cause epileptic seizures.

It’s almost as if it wasn’t written by the same person!

Take a random sentence from an email –

AND WHEN THAT PURPOSE IS MET i AM OUT OG BLOGGING.

See what I mean?

There’s none of that in the most recent post.  If it wasn’t written (or possibly re-written, but I doubt that) by someone else then today Larry found just the right balance of Pepsi and smokes to turn him lucid for the amount of time it took to write it.

I’m sleepy, but Larry claims that he’s hooked his laptop up to his TV and gotten new glasses.

Doubtful

In Which They’re Apple Assholes

March 28th, 2008 4 comments

[Scene – At home in my comfy chair when a call comes from a friend having trouble with a 1st Gen iMac which doesn’t have built in wireless.  The Apple Store told him that he HAD to upgrade his iMac to 10.5 in order to run the latest version of TurboTax…and more memory to run 10.5…and leave his computer for a week…and not put the files back in their proper place when they’re done.  Anyway, he gets it home and…the USB wireless adapter doesn’t work with 10.5.  After playing around with it, it becomes clear he needs a new adapter.  “I’ll just go to the Apple Store,” he said with chipper optimism.  We’ll pick it up from there.]

Voicemail from R.:  Hi, Paul.  Well, I think that they sold me a router instead of a wireless network thingy like you told me to get.  It just doesn’t look like the thing that it should be.  Can you give me a call?  I haven’t been online forever and I can’t do email on my Treo anymore.  Gimme a call, k?

[Paul calling the Apple Store and getting connected to an Apple Genius]

Paul:  Hi, I need to find a wireless USB network card that’ll work on 10.5 for the Mac mini.
Apple Store Service:  A what?
Paul:  A wireless USB network card that runs under 10.5.
ASS:  So, you want to connect to a wireless network.
Paul: Uh.  Yeah.  I do.
ASS:  I don’t think we have that.
Paul:  You don’t have a wireless adapter?
ASS:  Well, Apple doesn’t make that kind of thing.
Paul:  O-o-ok.  Can you help me find something that’ll work under 10.5?
ASS:  Well, Apple doesn’t do that kind of peripheral.
Paul:  Yeah.  I get it.  So, what you’re saying is that the Apple Store doesn’t know anything about wireless networking under 10.5.
ASS:  Well, Apple doesn’t –
Paul:  I understand Apple doesn’t do external wireless cards.  But you’re saying that you have absolutely no idea of any external wireless adapters that work under 10.5.
ASS:  Sir, we – what kind of a Mac is it?
Paul: An old Mac Mini that didn’t come with wireless.
ASS:  Umm…can you hang on?  Let me put you back to inventory.
Paul: Thanks.

[Several minutes after listening to music that’s too hip for me]

ASS 2: Inventory!
Paul:  I need an external wireless adapter that works under 10.5.
ASS 2:  Well, Apple –
Paul:  …doesn’t do that kind of peripheral.  I know.  So does that mean that this guy will be forced to hook up via wired or not at all?
ASS 2:  What kind of a Mini is it?
Paul:  The kind without wireless.
ASS 2:  Oh.  There used to be kits to install wireless into that kind of Mac.  Let me check to see if we have any.
Paul: Thanks

[Several more minutes after listening to music that’s too hip for me]

ASS 2:  Thanks for waiting.  No.  They’ve discontinued those.
Paul:  So you’re telling me that there’s no way to hook up wirelessly with this version under 10.5
ASS 2:  There might be some third party solutions
Paul:  REALLY??  DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE???
ASS 2:  Well, you could try MacMall.
Paul:  But you, the Apple Genius, are unable to tell me about of them.  Have I got that right?  You don’t know any solution to getting a Mac without wireless working wirelessly under 10.5.  I’m just trying to make sure I understand that you can give me absolutely NO HELP in solving this problem with a Mac.
ASS 2: (Testy)  Apple does not have a peripheral that will do that.
Paul:  So it can’t be done.  Got it.
ASS 2:  You could –
Paul: You’ve been incredibly unhelpful.  Thanks.

[Click]

I’m not saying that all peripherals under XP worked under Vista.  I’m not a member of the Window/PC jihad.  But this kind of “it’s not Apple and we won’t help you” shit is one of the major drawbacks of Apple.

Categories: Navel (Gazing At) Tags:

In Which I’m In The Fast Lane To Hell

March 28th, 2008 3 comments

So, as I passed through the tolls on the Mass Pike, I saw the light saying “Call Fast Lane” but I just kept forgetting to do it.  We assumed that our Fast Lane account was on a credit cardt that expired.  Naturally, a letter showed up today with a violation.  So I called the Violations Dept.

The first thing she asked for was my account number.  I frantically scanned the paper looking for it, stuttering and stalling as I did.

“Why don’t you just give me the plate number,” she said.

That done, it was quickly discovered that…I had a violation.

“You have a violation,” she said.

“Ok.  Now what?”

“I’ll tranfer you to the payment department.”

Huh?  They have separate departments for this?  So, that’s where my money is going!  I always wondered about that.  I thought it was going towards something stupid like fixing the Big Dig but instead it’s going toward poorly planned beauracracy!  Go figuh!

Once in the payment department, we’re back to the account number dilemma.  This time we go with name and address to figure it out since I still can’t find it on the violation notice they sent.  Name.  Address.  And then…

“…and what’s your PIN number,” she says pleasantly.

“Huh?”

“Your four-digit PIN number.  I’ll need it to access your account.”

“I have a PIN number?”

“Yes, sir, you do.  You set it up when you set up the account.”

I searched my brain for any clue as to what it was.  AH!  Part of my old bank PIN number before hackers stole it and I had to change it.  But…what was it?

“Umm…6402,” I guessed.

“Those are the right numbers, but in the wrong order,” she told me.

“OK.  4620?”

“Nooooo.  Try again,” she urged.  She really did want me to succeed and with four digits there were a limited number of permutations.  This was her job so she had all day.

“6204,” I said definatively.

“Mmmm…no.”  Sympathy filled her voice

“Look,” I said, not wanting to open up notepad and map out the sequences, “can’t I just give you my social security number?”

“I’m sorry,” she said and she meant it, “you have to give us your PIN.”

After a couple of more tries, I got it and both of us felt pleased.  We worked everything out.  I would, she told me, have to fill out some forms that Fast Lane would mail to me.

“Let me give you your account number.”

“That would be great,” I said, “I’ve been looking all over this violation notice and I can’t find it anywhere.”

“Oh,” she said brightly, “it’s not on there.”

Yes.  She said that.  The Mass Pike does NOT include the relevent account number when they send you a violation.

“That’s stupid!”

She laughed.  “You’re right.  It is.  Here’s your number and have a great day!”

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In Which The Coming Idiocracy Be Documentinged

March 27th, 2008 17 comments

If you haven’t seen Idiocracy then go rent it now.  Even better, rent Idiocracy and Network.  Watch Idiocracy first and laugh like a moron and then watch Network and feel the chill run down your spine as you remember the 32 years ago, it was considered satire, too.

I realize right now that I’m in a fishbowl, but dear sweet fucking jesus, it’s mind-boggling to think these people actually exist.

Brenda say good

I watched the 2004 movie The Manchurian Candidate. It was quite amazing to see the similarities of Obama and the Governor of Massachusetts. Also, Obama was at Columbia at at the same time as Brzezinski who is into mind control. What I also found interesting was the name of someone involved in making the movie–I didn’t catch the first name but the last name was ironically “Axlerod”. I don’t think that is a very common name. Watch the movie–it is very good and very interesting. Denzel Washington is in it. Larry, it all will come out in the wash. A great % of us believe you. We also want you to stay safe. God Bless.

HOLY SHIT!  MY GOD!  YOU’RE RIGHT!  HOLLYWOOD WAS TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING!!  AND it’s got Denzel Washington.  I’m freaking out right now!  Did you know that Lincoln was killed in Ford’s Theater and Kennedy met his death while riding in a Lincoln convertible made by the Ford Motor Company.  OMG!!  I HEAR BLACK HELICOPTERS!!

Ashely good too

Once again just remember the 1 negative post you get you have 10 times that support behind you.

Um.  Ashley?  Ya know how on Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity it always sounds like everybody agrees with them?  It’s because the dissenters don’t make it through the screener.  You can make anything look like anything you want with the right camera angle.  Kinda like when the “Iraqis” pushed over the statue of Saddam…except that they didn’t.

Donny good say Brenda Ashley be smart too good

Larry, your case is (in much the same sense as OJ’s was to the 1900’s) rapidly becoming “The Internet Crime Story of the Century” so far! I feel as thought I am a part of history-in-the-making here, as I’m sure all of you others do as well.

Larry Sinclair?  The White OJ?  Crime of the Century?  History in the making?  I’m going to drink some Drano.  It’s been nice knowing everyone.

Remember – Electrolytes: It’s what plants crave.

In Which I’m Going To Party Like It’s 1977

March 27th, 2008 1 comment

Fernwood 2 Night

Fernwood 2 Night was a huge influence on me.  And now it’s all over YouTube.  How the hell did such a show every get made?  It would be impossible today – even on cable.

 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=SGlee4kzjjc

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9qfclvjlF04

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In Which I Ask The Democratic Party To Stop This Bullshit

March 26th, 2008 4 comments

I’m not sure if I ever wrote it down here, but I said it to many, many people from the moment the ’08 election start 71 months ago.  “How,” I asked people, “will the Democratic Party fuck this one up?”

Almost everyone laughed at the question and thought it was a pretty funny joke.  After all, Iraq sucked.  The economy sucked.  Gas prices sucked.  The housing market sucked.  bush’s ratings began to reach depths which looked like they would cause mathematicians to rethink the entire concept of whole numbers.  “Ha, ha,” they chuckled, “you so funny!  There’s no way that we can lose this election!  Even the most hardcore Republicans have written this one off.”  But all I could think of was, “Daddy!  I got cider in my eye!”

In Guys and Dolls, there’s a great scene between Nathan Detroit (Sinatra) and Sky Masterson.  To make a long plotline short, Detroit needs money so he’s trying to get Masterson to bet him on something, anything.  Masterson finally stops him to tell him a story.  “Nathan,” he says, “before my daddy ran off he gave me a piece of advice.  ‘Son,’ he said to me, ‘upon your travels in this world you may come upon a man who will take out a sealed deck of cards.  He will bet you that he can make the Queen of Spades jump out of the deck and spit cider in your eye.  But you will not take this bet, because as sure as the sun rises in the morning that is what will happen.  Son,’ he said, ‘there is no such thing as a sure bet.'”

Detroit, after this speech, finds an acceptable bet – that Masterson cannot (and here I’m updating) take a girl of Detroit’s choosing to Cuba and bang her.  Of this bet, Masterson takes.  Detroit picks the local Salvation Army babe.

Like Sky Masterson, the Democratic Party succumbed to its own hubris in thinking that no matter what happened a Democrat would live at 1600 Pennsylavnia Avenue.  It’s not as if it shouldn’t have been true.  On any given day, Sky could bang pretty much anyone he chose to.  The difference is that Masterson had a gambler’s sense of when to cut his losses and give it up.  He did get the Salvation Army babe down to Cuba but he didn’t bang her – he could have – he got her drunk enough – but he hadn’t played fair; he’d loaded the dice.  The Democrats don’t have this.  They’ll keep betting until they’re broke and broken.

I want to blame Hillary.  It would be very easy and possibly appropriate to do so.  Her actions over the past several months have been shameful.  I never liked her as a candidate to begin with.  For all of her carping and whining about Obama’s “talk not action” shit, I’ve found a similar level of empty rhetoric.  The whole notion that because her husband presided over prosperity in the 90’s that she’d turn the economy around by…um…saying “Bill Clinton” twenty-five times into a mirror and the economy would have no other choice but to recover is ludicrous and facile.  And she’s playing dirty against someone from her own party.  Olbermann is right – her lust for the nomination should not cause her to run against Obama as if she were a Republican.  As a Democrat, I feel demoralized with every new piece of the kitchen sink she throws.  What’s next?  That Obama has Mexican blood, too?  Will they find a way to deport him?  So, yes, Hillary makes a convenient villain.

I’m not an Obama fan boy.  I think that some of the concerns about experience are valid.  I hate the fact that he’s pro-nuclear energy.  And as Shelly points out, he not anti-war.  He might be anti-Iraq war but he’ll go into to Afghanistan if need be.  There’s also something to be said for having guessed right about the faulty intelligence on Iraq, although for many it seemed as if every day Karl Rove spun the Wheel of Fortune to find out what that days excuse was.

In some ways, you can’t blame the candidates themselves for this circular firing squad.  You’ve got to have an unbelievably overdeveloped sense of self-worth to want to run for this job and ambition that would put Bill Gates to shame.  Admit it.  If this were the general election and it was Hillary v. McCain we’d cheer every single dirty trick she pulled out of Bill’s playbook.  But it’s not the general election.  It’s the primary.  If she’s this brutal against her own kind, how can she claim that she can build consensus as president? 

Instead, though, let’s place the blame where it actually lies – with the DNC.  Obviously, they should not pick who gets the nomination.  That’s up to (or should be up to) the Democratic rank and file.  But what they can do and have failed to do is stop the damage this primary is wreaking upon itself.  They ruled that Florida and Michigan lost their delegates by moving up their primaries…and then, simply because Hillary complained, backpedalled.  Howard Dean could, if he wanted to, sit both Obama and Clinton down for a come-to-Jesus meeting.  He could, if he wanted to, explain that the face of the Democratic Party is not an updating of The Lion In Winter; that, brand-wise, Democrats prefer sensible, calm discussion as opposed to histrionics, innuendo and name calling.  He could, if he wanted to, stress that now more than ever it’s important to starkly draw the line between the divisiveness and mindless dogma of the past seven years of Republican rule and the openness, flexibility and light that a Democratic president offers.  He’s chosen not to do that.

As a result, I’m on verge to telling the Democratic party to go fuck itself.  I’m sick of it.  Nader didn’t lose us the 2000 election – Gore did.  He stood there politely letting bush tell outright lies.  Kerry lost the 2004 election in what should have been a slam dunk even with Republicans playing the anti-homo card.  Again – Kerry politely let bush tell lies.  Now, before we even get into the general election, the squabbling threatens to deliver us DOA before the polls open.  Republicans are pissing themselves with glee.  It doesn’t matter if McCain is low on funds – he won’t need consultants because the work’s already been done for him.

I’ve always held that those that threaten to move to Canada shouldn’t be in America in the first place.  If the Democrats lose in ’08, I’m not really sure I want to be here anymore.