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Archive for September, 2007

In Which I Couldn’t Find The Proper Memorial Clip So…

September 24th, 2007 No comments

Sadly, I could not find the clip in which Shakes The Clown and friends terrorize the mimes.  It includes one of my all time favorite lines – “YOU SILENT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!”  So, instead…

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Categories: Culture, Dead Mimes, Web Tags:

In Which “College Humor” Is An Apt Host For This

September 23rd, 2007 No comments

But it’s funny as shit!

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In Which You Need To Know God’s Last Name To Join

September 22nd, 2007 No comments

Focus on the Family doesn’t hate anyone.  They make that very, very clear.  They base their ministry on love.  How can you reach sinners if you viciously condemn them to Hell?  Answer – you can’t.  You have to condemn them to Hell with love.

It bears repeating that love is the basis of Evangelical Christianity.  Vic Eliason says it best (and often)

We are concerned for the souls of the wicked.  We want them to know of Jesus’ love.  How else can you get their attention?  Look at it this way – if you have a toddler standing by the side of a busy road and he looks like he’s going to try and cross it, how do you keep him safe?  Do you say in a small, quiet voice, “Look out little boy.  I don’t mean to be rude or hurt your feelings but if you try to cross that road you’ll be killed.”  Or do you scream at the top of your lungs and with all your heart to get his attention and not worry whether you frighten him or not or make him like you?

You see?  Love!  It doesn’t always mean cuddles and hugs and soothing coos.  Sometimes (a lot of times, I guess) love is wrathful and angry.

Focus on the Family is also inclusive.  They don’t care about race, creed or color.  If you’re a Christian living legally in America OR you’re a Christian living under the religious oppression of an atheistic foriegn country then, come on in!

Oh, and if you’re on MySpace, make sure you know the password, too, otherwise you can’t add them as your friend.

And that’s what a Christian ministry should be all about, right?  Making sure that you have control over who gets to hear God’s word.

Categories: Bible, CrossTalk, Dobson Tags:

In Which It’s Plastics, Ben

September 20th, 2007 No comments

I get it, but I don’t get it.  Let me see if I can get it straight

AT&T Wireless gets bought out by Cingular.  This means that I not only have to upgrade my phones to be Cingular phones but I have to sign a new two-year service contract because…um…I was stupid enough to sign up with cellphone service that got bought out.  It costs me time, money and no end of grief.

Then AT&T magically buys out Cingular, the company that previously bought them out.  Because I’m such a good customer, they give me $75…if buy a more expensive phone and a new two-year service contract if I choose to buy a new phone.  Why do I need a new service contract for that?  Why ask why.  BUT, my daughter graduated junior high school and she wanted a nice cellphone so I do it.  Plus I get a $100 rebate. 

The phone without the service plan was $250.  The phone with the service plan was $275 BUT you get a rebate so it’s really $175.  Does any of this make sense?

Everybody knows the rebate game – jump through four hoops, cut here, paste there, photocopy this but original of that, mail with x number of days and if any steps are missed, well, I’m sorry but go fuck yourself because the instructions were quite plain and it’s not our fault that you can’t read Russian.

We got an envelope from AT&T and inside was a credit card.  A debit card, actually.  It was our rebate.  Now, I promise you that not once during the process of getting this new phone did the person on the other end say the following – “Ok, Mr. Day, and your $100 debit card will be mailed to you in 6 to 8 weeks.”  Not once.  If you read the fine print, it mentions debit card.  It says something to the effect that “this debit card may not be redeemed for cash.”  There’s even a picture of it on the rebate form but it never explains that this is your rebate.  Ok, that’s fairly scummy, but it gets scummier – you have 90 days to “spend” your rebate or you lose it.  Yes.  Lose it.

Here’s my difficulty – who exactly came up with this idea of setting customers up to fail just so the company could make an extra $100?  Who came up with the idea of creating a whole new bureaucracy to process photocopied paper and scraps of cut up cardboard, enter the information into a database (which requires programming and maintenance) with then writes the information to a magnetic strip that gets affixed to a hunk of plastic and all of this on the off-chance that won’t have to fork over $100?

Why is America dying?  Hm.  Because rather than fair pricing and straightforward payment plans, American businesses now act like three-card monte dealers.  We’ve had our credit card payment date shifted backwards three times, which means that (had we not called up and bitched) we would have incurred late fees.  Best Buy recently changed its policy on 0% purchases to include not only the minimum payment on the 0% purchase but also the minimum payment on the non 0% balance.  Again, a phone call and much threatening resolved the shitty little trick in our favor.

American business has become a whiny little bitch that can’t (or refuses) to wipe its own ass.  Example?

NYT 9/20/07
…the House overwhelmingly adopted on Wednesday legislation that would significantly expand the federal program to assist the insurance industry in the event of a major terrorist attack.

The expansion has been sought by commercial real estate developers and insurers, who say that such insurance is scarce on the private market and that, without it, developers cannot get financing to complete major projects, particularly in cities considered most likely to be attacked.

Really?  Soooo…insurance is about calculated risks but insurers don’t really feel like taking risks anymore but that means they have to give money back when they pay out and that’s not profitable.  And to build a building you need insurance but your building might get blown up which makes you a bad risk to insurers and, anyway, why should the builder have to put out any money if a disaster happens.  That won’t make you rich anymore.  The solution?  The US Government makes taxpayers fork over money they need to live in order for businesses to remain profitable.

Can we please stop calling this capitalism?

Please?

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In Which It Is Hell On Earth For Three Hours

September 17th, 2007 3 comments

So, just for the sake of argument, let’s say that some Christian conservative whack-jobs hosted a debate and some of the candidates couldn’t show up or declined to show up.  Not that you wanted them there anyway.  They were scumbags and, frankly, should be lynched.  The only reason you invited them, really, was to force them NOT to show up.  Given the fact that you hated them and they hated you, what’s the best way to deal with them?

  1. Sanctimoniously not acknowledge their absence and conduct the debate
  2. Sanctimoniously call attention to their absence by putting podiums on stage
  3. Sanctimoniously call attention to their absence by putting podiums on stage and allow candidates to refer to their absence
  4. Sanctimoniously call attention to their absence by putting podiums on stage, allow candidates to refer to their absence and let “audience” members address questions to them which they can’t answer since they’re not there

Funny, because the Values Voter Debate just ended!

If you think I stacked the deck on that question, you should have watched the debate.  All three hours of it.  Sadly (or thankfully) I pulled cello lesson duty so I didn’t catch all of it, but, sweet merciful jesus, what I did catch was more than enough.

McCain, Romney, Thompson and Giuliani wisely gave it a pass.  And justly so, because, frankly, being in the same room as Alan Keyes is political suicide.  All the heavy hitters of the Christo-Fascist scene descended on Ft. Lauderdale to ask their dull and divisive questions.  Will you defend marriage?  Will you stop homos?  Do you believe in the personhood of the pre-born?  Will you stop the North American Union that hasn’t happened from not happening?  What about the homos?  And the pre-born?  Are you a really, really good Christian and pledge to eridicate the foul coating of sin from the dormant fields of American morality and re-instate God as the true ruler of the United States?

So who showed up – Huckabee, Brownback, Ron “Sometimes you feel like a nut” Paul, Duncan Hunter, Tom “Pepe” Tancredo, Alan “disown your lesbian daughter” Keyes and John Cox.  Huh?  John Cox?  Who the HELL is John Cox?  John Cox, you ignorant moron, is the only true conservative in the race.  C’mon!  YOU know!  John Cox!!  This guy –

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The fifty-five year old wrapped in the flag with six-pack abs and a black guy giving him a blow job.  Yes – THAT John Cox.

Besides the heavy hitters throwing softballs at candidates that were against dancing on cars, the debate featured a special “speed round” and that’s when the full fiery blast of Hell swept over me.  To set it up, you need to imagine the ubiquitous arc of podiums with the candidates all getting ready to sit up and beg for God to bless their campaigns.  On the front of the podiums  are four large squares.  Two squares horizontal and, beneath those, two squares vertical.

In the speed round, “audience” members gave a quick, dogmatic speech and then asked the question.  Something along the lines of

97% of Americans believe that conception begins when a boy french kisses a girl.  Do you believe, as all right-thinking, God-fearing Americans should, that the Constitution should be amended to outlaw french kissing between unmarried people?

And then, the candidates pushed a yes or no button.  Then they threw up a screen reflecting the candidates answer and, therefore, who you should or should not vote for.  I’m not kidding.  Here’s a sample of some of the speed round questions some of which are paraphrased

  •  
    • Will you encourage teaching contradictions in evolution in schools?
    • Should broadcast indecency standard be applied to cable?
    • I’ve taken an abstinence pledge – Will you bring abstinence funding to schools?
    • Will you save Israel from everybody else?
    • Will you support private health care that promotes a moral lifestyle?
    • Will you impose trade sanctions to countries that don’t help Christians?
    • Jesus stopped me from being gay – Will you ensure no money for schools the promote homo propaganda?
    • Will you oppose all UN treaties that support abortion?

If there was ever a brilliant example of what lockstep meant, that was it.  Only Ron Paul dared to actually have an opinion contrary to what God’s children wanted to hear.

Plenty of signs of the apocalypse flashed like neon on a Las Vegas church.  Alan Keyes answered a question about defending Americans from radical Islam by re-iterating that abortion must be stopped.  Don’t worry, I’m not sure anyone else got the link, either.  Brownback found Jesus while he went to feed the pigs.  Tom Tancredo will not appoint any judge that supports Roe v. Wade.  Cox (yes, THAT Cox) responded to the Islam question by saying that we fought Hitler who used religion to get people to follow him.  My brain is freezing trying to parse that statement.  Hunter bitch-slapped Ron Paul after one of his trademark “we shouldn’t have invaded Iraq” rants by telling him that the last two countries we saved were Muslim and stop blaming America first.  Keyes fired and brimstoned that America must SUBMIT TO GOD and pretty damn quickly, too.

But the night belonged to those who weren’t there.  Each of the absent candidates got asked a question, the most pathetic of which was asked by a possibly retarded girl who told Giuliani that she was supposed to have been aborted.  “Looking at me now,” she said, “would you still want me dead?”  The camera then zoomed in on the empty podium with his name on it.  In the background you could hear the moderator intone “silence”.

It was possibly the  dumbest and most infuriating thing I’ve ever seen. 

In the end, God told the values voters of America to vote for Huckabee.

I wonder if MSM will even bother to mention it.  As Phylis Schlafly said, “I guess the networks weren’t interested in what that candidates had to say.”

In Which A MySpace Mystery Is Solved

September 16th, 2007 No comments

Wow.  Just.  Wow.

I’m uploading a video to myspace and something is just not going right.  The form looks properly completed but every time I hit continue to get to the upload screen it kicks me back to the form.  WTF (he wrote, trying to be hip)!  After a couple of go-rounds I noticed that there was a none-too-obvious note next to the tag box saying that I had invalid tags and I needed to fix them.  Ok.  I looked them over and they didn’t look invalid – no commas or anything like that.  Here they are.

bbn billy bob neck muslims hate jesus god iraq terror war GOP

Seems pretty whatever.

Maybe, I thought, the ALL CAPS threw off the system.  So I deleted GOP.  Nope.  That wasn’t it.  Feeling somewhat cynical, I tried my next choice and it worked.  The culprit?

“Muslims”

Now, if I was Rush Limbaugh or Mike Gallagher, I could say something like, “Once I got rid of the “muslims” the problem was solved.”  I wouldn’t do that.  That would be cheap.

I know that MySpace is owned by Fox which makes it weirder because you’d think that Murdoch would be more than happy for users to throw rampant anti-Muslim statements around just like they do on FoxNews.  That doesn’t seem to be the case, though.  Maybe his new pastor, Rick Warren, convinced him to be nicer.  Probably not since Warren’s an asshole, too.

I held off posting this until I had a chance to try it again.  The voices in my head (other people’s, thankfully) reminded me that I have, on occasion, made mistakes and jumping to conclusions never helped anybody.  So I did another video.  This time the keywords were

bbn billy bob neck muslims osama bin laden jesus god iraq terror war

I submitted it and, viola, the same thing happened  – I got kicked back to the form.  I removed “osama” and it didn’t go through.  I reinstated “osama” and it still didn’t go through.  I took out “muslims” and it didn’t go through.  I took out “osama” and “muslims” and, bingo, I could upload the video.

Weird, huh?

Categories: Conspiracy, myspace, Talk Radio Tags:

In Which MTV Is An Activist Organization

September 10th, 2007 No comments

As I was curious to see what the target audience thought about Mrs. Spears performance, I went over to MTV.com to find out.  Perhaps I was sleepy, but I had a hard time finding what I thought would be the lifeblood of MTV – feedback.  After all, wouldn’t they want me (assuming I was a 14yr old girl) to gush about how AWESOME Mrs. Spears’ performance was?

Apparently, not.  I had given up on finding some kind of forum type thing when I saw this

mtv.jpg

“Activism”!  I’d forgotten that MTV is “all in your face” about politics lately and rocking the vote ‘n shit.  Why not check it out before toddling off to bed?  Ladies and gentlemen – I give to you the MTV Activism Message board!

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Sadly, I’m not joking.  This is it.  A Choose or Lose question and then a bunch of topics for marketing interns to pretend they not only watch Laguna Beach but actually LUV it.  Remember how, when MTV first launched, we laughed at people who said MTV would destroy music?  I’d like to formally apologize to those people.

I plunged ahead and checked out the All Things Pop section.  This seemed like the best place for Britney reviews.  Indeed, some started ” BRITNEY>>>OMG!!!!!!!!!!!.  The “buzz” was that she sucked and the kids seemed genuinely disappointed in some case.  I left some disparaging messages not only about Brit but about MTV submissiveness toward the music industry and went to bed.

And now, as Paul Harvey says, here’s the rest of the story –

This morning, among the other emails that greeted me, was this one

Your post has been deleted because it violates the MTV.com Terms of Service in one or more ways. Further violations could result in the closure of your MTV.com member account. Please review both the Terms of Service(www.mtv.com/sitewide/mtvinfo/terms.jhtml) and Community Guidelines (www.mtv.com/sitewide/mtvinfo/guidelines.jhtml) before posting again.Thank you,MTV.com

I guess that was to be expected.  One guy said that he was personally going to make sure that people remembered Brit.  I replied that semen-encrusted pages of old fan magazines wouldn’t be enough.  Who wouldn’t delete that?  But then I read a little further.  They quoted the offensive message that jeopardized my status on the activism board

If she wasn’t such a miserable moron, I’d have felt badly for her. She and MTV get what they deserve – ridicule. Who in their right mind would allow a drugged up skank to open even a super market, let alone the VMA?And when will you show MTV that you’re tired of them pimping artists like BS simply because the music industry tells them to? Call your local radio station and tell them not to play her miserable song or you’ll boycott them.Wake up, kids! This board is listed under the Activism tab – doesn’t this set off any warning bells? You’re being used.

Now THAT’S comedy!  At one point the thread had 35 messages.  It’s not down to 10.  That’s one busy little Activist beaver!  Fight the power! 

If it wasn’t for MTV rap would still be political and wouldn’t have become hip-hop.

In Which I’d Like Less

September 9th, 2007 No comments

When you live in an apartment condo, you have to make adjustments.  When your teenage daughter wants to watch the Video Music Awards then your youngest daughter, by necessity, needs to sleep in your room where it’s quieter.  Which leaves you watching the Video Music Awards.  Which means you get to watch Brittany Spears.

I struggled for a few minutes trying to figure out that last sentence.  You have to say what she was doing, I told myself, but I truly don’t know how to categorize it.  She didn’t sing, that much was obvious.  She didn’t dance but rather walked unsteadily from place to place and occassionally raised her arms in the air.  It reminded me of the myriad of stories about Pavorotti towards the end of his like and how he rarely moved once they dollied him out onstage.  Except he sang and sang well.  The whole segment was like a Todd Solondz movie with a budget.

Two pluses, though.  First, Sarah Silverman completely eviscerated her immediately after the…whatever she did.  “She is so amazing!  She’s 25 and already she’s achieved…everything she will ever do…and her kids.  Wow.  Aren’t they just the cutest mistakes you’ve ever seen?”  It’ll be on YouTube before too long.  Don’t bother watching it on MTV.com.  You’ll have to watch three commercials for Brittany’s new perfume “Debacle.”  Second, my daughter seems to understand what absolute shit MTV is.  That doesn’t mean that she won’t still watch it, but she’s figuring out that they care about music slightly less than Brittany cares about her children.  “I hope,” she said a few days ago, “that Brittany comes out with one of her kids and then throws it out into the audience.”  Yes, she’s growing up very nicely.

What’s most upsetting, though, is that this talentless, drug-addicted parody of skankiness still gets her new single played, period.  Musically, it sucks.  The song title, “Gimme More” is insultingly ironic on so many levels it make my head hurt just to think about it.  She continues to publically self-destruct and gets rewarded for it.  Do ya think radio station are getting some kind of, oh, I don’t know…PAYOLA?  Didn’t they just have to cough up a whole bunch of penalty money and promise to play local artists because of this shit?

Oops.  Sorry.  I forgot I was in America for a minute.

I just want to make sure I understand this properly – The Dixies Chicks, women with actual musical and lyrical talent, exercise they’re right to free speech and get blacklisted from radio.  Brittany, once regarded as a role model, has very little talent, fucks up her life completely and gets all the airplay she wants.

Do I have that right?

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In Which They Did, Indeed, Come Back

September 8th, 2007 No comments

After they’re first visit, I expected the Jehovah’s Witnesses to come back with their God guns blazing.  Instead, they came back with a Bible and four pages containing two articles on marriage in the Bible.  Oh well, not with a bang but with a whimper.

At issue was whether God taught marriage as being between one man and woman from Genesis on to the end of the New Testament.  Last week was spent patiently explaining to the nice JW that this was not so.  Instead, he pulled mostly New Testament quotes out that didn’t really address the question.  This morning, the same guy came back but he had a new buddy, older and more sedate. 

For the first time, I got the real sense of how JWs must go through a training period, much like salesepeople or waiters.  Ed (I think that was his name) seems medium high on the food chain, leading his group of door knockers and getting called in for triage.  Today, Ed brought Charlie (and I cannot even pretend to remember his name) who quietly leaned against the porch railing staying mostly silent and piping up when needed.  And it was Charlie that quietly dropped that, yes, God “tolerated” polygamy if only for the advancement of Israel but after that he did not tolerate.  Mostly.

So…Their God is an expeditious God, I guess.  If someone needs to be raped, better Lot’s daughter’s than angels.

The rest of the time was just deadly, deadly dull.  “Hey, look at this!  Jesus says a priest should only have one wife to set a standard for the rest of the community.  See!  That proves it!”  Um.  No.  Not really.  Having gotten sleep late and woken up early, I didn’t have it in me to really have fun.

They said they’d come back next week to talk about what they left me and I said I wouldn’t be around.  “Next week?”  “Mumble mumble”.

Perhaps I’ll write them a letter.

Categories: Bible Tags:

In Which Ukeleles Rawk

September 5th, 2007 No comments

There’s really not much else to say except that

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