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Archive for May, 2007

In Which It Was Quite Commander Bunny

May 31st, 2007 No comments

Summer means three things at WMFO in the summer – dead air, dead air and dead air.  So I’m picking up an hour or so from 11am to (mumble mumble).  We’ll see what my schedule allows.  If you like stuff like the following then tune in to WMFO, 91.5FM in Medford or on the web at www.wmfo.org.

http://hbeeinc.com/media/live_5-31-07.mp3

Categories: Podcast Tags:

In Which A Part Of Her Will Always Be In Aruba

May 29th, 2007 No comments

Happy Second Anniversary of Natalee Holloway’s disappearance!

Please remember to drink responsibly when you celebrate tonight.

Also, consider signing the Petition to turn Natalee’s Aruban hotel room into a memorial.  BUT – since nobody visits www.killfornatalee.com then you shouldn’t either.

Categories: Fuck Beth Holloway Twitty Tags:

In Which Another Memorial Day Parades Marches On

May 28th, 2007 4 comments

“FUCKYOUMOTHERFUCKERGOFUCKYOURSELF!!!”

Many people watching the Watertown Memorial Day parade turned their heads to find out the source of the problem including the vast majority of kids.  Kids love profanity.  Now that parents can lock down cable boxes it’s back to learning swear words on the street.  It’s kind of retro, I think.

I half hoped it came from some old hippie or hippie acolyte with a “STOP THE WAR” or “BUSH LIED – THOUSANDS DIED” sign.  War protest had a brief flirtation with retro around the start of the War on Terror but quickly died out when the FBI started infiltrating the knitting circles the old hippies belonged to.  You can’t blame the hippies.  Getting arrested tends to piss off the HR department.  Those $350 Rolling Stone and James Taylor tickets don’t pay for themselves, you know.

No hippie or hippie acolyte appeared, though.  Only some pissed off guy in a Ford P.O.S. sedan who could not fucking cross Mt. Auburn Street because of a goddamn fucking PARADE of all fucking things.  (Fucking).

Mr. Appropriate’s reaction, while extreme, summed up the vast majority of non-parade watchers.  A few parade goers took uncoordinated turns making go-back-there’s-a-parade signs and following it up with  polite explanations.  A typical conversation went something along the lines of

(Scene:  The car sits with its turn signal blinking, attempting to turn right and drive against the traffic of the parade obviously in progress.) 

Me:  Hi.  You can’t get across Mt. Auburn St. right now.  There’s…um…a parade.

Driver:  (Blithely ignoring cannon fire)  Oh, I just live on the other side.

Me:  Yes, but…um… there’s a parade going on.

Driver:  (getting annoyed) I can see that.  I just live on the other side.

Me:  You can’t get across Mt. Auburn St.  There…is…a…parade…going on.

Driver:  (visibly pissed)  I KNOW.  I…JUST…LIVE…ON…THE…OTHER…SIDE.

Me:  Well, you’ll have to find another way across because –

Driver:  (As if I magically conjured the parade)  How the HELL am I supposed to get home, then?

Me:  I don’t know!  It’s Memorial Day.  It’s a half-hour out of your life to remember the soldiers that have died for our count-

Driver:  I KNOW it’s Memorial Day.  I’D LIKE TO SPEND IT WITH MY FAMILY.

Me:  Then you’ll need to find another way around or you’ll have to wait – BECAUSE THERE’S A PARADE GOING ON.

Driver:  So, how do I get home?

Me:  I guess you’re stuck here for the rest of your life.  Or for a half hour.  OR you can back up and find an alternate route.

Driver:  (Finally putting the car into reverse) Fuck you.

Me:  Support the troops, not the war.

I’m too much of a hippie myself to really enjoy military parades.  On an abstract level, I understand it’s not really about “the military” or “the war”.  It’s about the community coming together to honor those who died when wars actually happened for a reason.  Afghanistan could have been that kind of a war.  Instead, bush’s Oedipal complex and penchant for second hand necrophilia lured him into Iraq and, like Pepe LePew, the lady skunk turned out to be a black cat with a white stripe.  Polls show that when quizzed about Iraq, 76% of Americans now slap their foreheads and explain they’d been blacked-out when they supported the war.

Perhaps it’s disingenuous to extrapolate that more Americans see Memorial Day as nothing more than a day off from work than actually care about dead (or even live) soldiers.  Still, when half a dozen people get furious that their day got disrupted because some idiots wanted to honor the war dead for 45 minutes, you have to wonder.

I’ll keep going to the parades.  I know folks in the military and I also know that it’s not something I could ever do.  Like it or not, I feel I owe them my thanks and small fraction of my time.

Thanks, folks.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Ask For Two Kinds Of Help

May 25th, 2007 2 comments

Shelley The Republican has, rightly or wrongly, found itself nominated for the Worst Blog of All Time in the Blogger’s Choice Awards.  I tracked down Mrs. Shelley Goodman to ask her about this and, while somewhat taken aback, subscribes to the “all publicity is good publicity” theory.  Currently, STR is 3rd.  1st place is pretty much out of the question unless everbody really put out an effort and (no offense) that’s not going to happen.  Still, STR could reach second place.  So, if jump on over to the Blogger’s Choice Awards and sign up and vote for STR. 

This site was nominated for Worst Blog of All Time!

You can also vote Tim McIntire’s blog in the Humor category, which, honestly, needs a little love or vote for Michelle Malkin under the “Blogger I’d Like To Throw Under A Bus” category.  (Side Note – Malkin and many of the “bloggers” nominated are NOT bloggers.  They are paid professional writers who copy/paste their columns into slick websites that costs tens of thousands of dollars to build and maintain and mostly exist for the advertising revenue.  It’s actually pretty pathetic to use the term “blog” for that kind of shit.)

Favor number two falls under the realm of just plain spiteful.  Go over to Most Obnoxious Blogger and look for “Ryanofthezeitgeist”.  Then vote for the listing directly underneath it.  Let’s see how far down the list we can push him!

Thanks!

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which Someone Should Apologize To Bill Maher

May 23rd, 2007 No comments

Hey!  Remember when Bill Maher made the fairly objective statement that

“Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it’s not cowardly. Stupid maybe, but not cowardly.”

A great many people got all pissy to the point Ari Fleischer vaguely threatened Maher and ABC dropped Politically Incorrect.  I don’t mean to give you any reason to find a shred of decency in Rush Limbaugh, but he actually supported Maher’s statement.

Rick (Gay Marriage Threatens My Marriage) Santorum appeared via tape on the 5/17/07 Focus on the Family broadcast saying…um…the terrorists aren’t…cowards.

Not A Cowardly Act

I hope a gay dog has sex with him.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which Clyde Fears The Future

May 22nd, 2007 1 comment

With staffing for the Fire Department possibly on the line (a reduction from 19 to 18), Town Council was SRO.  I literally sat on the floor in the back.  The plus side – difficult to fall asleep.  The minus side – easy to bang your head unceasingly against the wall while trying to prevent yourself from jumping up and doing the whole Al Pacino “you’re all crazy” speech from …And Justice For All.  Seriously.

Rachel Kaprielian (whose name, I’d like to say, I spelled correctly the first time) gave a brief overview of a state bill allowing towns to get in on state health insurance, thereby saving money.  Nice.  It’s not passed yet, but chances are good it will be.  Jonathan Hecht made a motion for the Council to add its support for the bill.  Not to switch over to state health insurance, mind you, but just to say it has Watertown’s support.

Not so much.

Several councilors voiced their concern over the fact that the bill was not finished and found it unseemly to support something that wasn’t done.  Angie Kounelis pointed out that all the council had received was marketing material.  Ok.  I can kind of see that.  Rachel herself frequently repeated that things could change.  As Clyde Younger says – “how can you know what will happen?”  Giants bats with a special mind-changing venom could bite lawmakers who completely re-write the bill and enslave us all.  So the motion went down to defeat.  C’est la vie.

BUT – Hecht, very reluctantly, read a motion to pretty much stop talking about switching Watertown’s pension fund over to the state pension fund.  Hecht did not want to read it.  He’s four switching the pension fund.  According to Hecht, if the money Watertown put into it’s own pension fund had gone into the state’s instead, we’d be up $9mil.  Younger wrote the motion to keep the town pension fund from making more money than it currently is.  (The logic, as I understand it, says – “we’re meeting the goals that we have to meet”.  Yeah.  I don’t get it either).  As Clyde says, “how can you know what will happen,” meaning, I guess, giant bats with a special mind-changing venom bite the fund controller who embezzles all our money to start a chain of pizza stores in Bosnia.

The punchline?  The pension bill isn’t finished, either!

So, just to clarify – Clyde doesn’t like the unfinished health care bill but writes a motion to defeat an unfinished pension bill.

This is my town council which lasted about three and a half hours tonight.

Clyde requested an inventory of parking meters two weeks ago.  We got that report tonight.  I’m not exactly sure why Clyde wanted it.  It didn’t seem to fit into a grand scheme.  Perhaps he likes parking meters.  Still, it was almost worth sitting through to hear the presenter sum it up with a deadpan – “So…that’s my presentation…about parking meters”.

On and on it went and, thank God, I couldn’t drift off.  I can’t say that I took good notes but the worst was yet to come.

Apparently, one of the councilors received a nasty email.  I honestly don’t know much more than that.  (Not quite true, but I’ll be discreet.)  Clyde asked Chief Deveau to look into it and brought up Chief Deveau to report on it.  Clyde is not a riveting speaker, nor am I, for that matter, but listening to Clyde is like watch Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off played about quarter speed.  He ploddingly recounted the email and asked Chief Deveau the outcome of the investigation.  Not much.  It turns out that according to local, state and federal law, whatever message the email contained was for all intents and purposes, legal.

Clyde would have none of’t.  “Don’ t you think that email constituted a hate crime?”

“It’s not really about what I think,” Chief Deveau responded.  “According to the law, it’s not actionable.”

And thus began the struggle.  Clyde wanted the case reopened.  Clyde wanted to know all about the investigation.  Chief Deveau returned each slow volley making it clear that nothing could or would be done about it.  Clyde insisted they find out who sent it.

“Hypothetically,” he said, “if I can send that kind of an email, what’s my next move?”

HUH?  It’s becoming clear to me that Clyde either comes from the future or is just obsessed with it.  He’s the worst kind of over-protective parent.  It was the same thing when he wasted tax payer money to get a report on library security because a pedophile was found in a library in another town.  Sweet Jesus!!  He was hell-bent to prove that our library security would allow a pedophile to kidnap and rape children right in the children’s library.  Why?  Because it happened somewhere else.

This is why we pay to have metal detectors in schools.  This is why we pay cops to patrol the hallways.  Not because there’s any real good reason for it but because some other town in America had a problem once and we can’t risk it happening here.  And yet…it still happens, because life is messy and unpredictable.

Maybe my brain fled into fantasy, but when Chief Deveau asked what Clyde would want to do if the phantom emailer wound up living in, say, New Hampshire, I heard the word “dragnet” in my head.  I saw Clyde directing the Watertown Police to direct all incoming traffic to a single checkpoint to check the ID of every single driver.  The offending emailer would be sent away shamed and drowsy after listening to a lecture from Clyde.

This whole exchange took, I think about ten to fifteen minutes.  So…tell me again what the job of Council President is?

Oh, that’s right – micromanagement.  As in Clyde’s motion that if two sub-committee meetings were scheduled at the same time then the last meeting scheduled would be dropped.  Apparently, it happened once or twice and Watertown almost didn’t recover.  Giant bats…etc.

On plus side, the council voted themselves the same health benefits as the town workers, which doesn’t mean all that much since most have their own health insurance, but morally it’s a great thing to do.

And, as to Marilyn, she brought no priest and still managed to somewhat behave herself.  You know who Marilyn is, right?

Ok.  I’ve got to put some more ice on the back of my head.  I hope I don’t have a concussion

Categories: Watertown Tags:

In Which You Will Listen To The Words Of Commander Bunny

May 22nd, 2007 No comments

 [Note – The ape human that writes Spam Karma is anti-rodent, since Commander Bunny’s missive wound up in spam.  I now restore it to its right place of prominence.  ALL HAIL COMMANDER BUNNY!!]

Commander Bunny

In my ever constant vigil to educate slack-jawed, lip-drooling, ape-human, monkey-boys, let me point you to a website, that will help you fullfill your need for information about “where” pirates and “when” pirates will be broadcasting. The site is: www.frn.net/vines/

There you will find a page called “PX ANNOUNCEMENTS”. This is where the Pirate Operators tell Pirate Listeners, where and when they will be broadcasting, uncensored, untouched-by-monkey-boy-government-bureaucrat-radio-programs, that dare I say it?, will make chimps and all kinds, T-H-I-N-K!

Speaking for the Rodent Revolution and WBNY Worldwide Broadcasts, I can assure you that we have a subliminal message(s) buried into all of our transmissions. This way we can control and direct you hairless apes to do our bidding and will. For you un-educated knuckle-draggers, or as I like to call you, “the mensa-monkeys”, this will give you some form and structure to your little monkey life and prepare you for the eventual overthrow of monkey-run-world and for the total monkey domination by the Rodents!

All of you monkeys (you think you are “humans” but you’re just bi-ped monkeys) are welcome to join the “People’s Committee in Solidarity with Rodent Freedom Fighters” by sending your credit cards, cash or any priceless heirloom to: Commander Bunny – WBNY P.O. Box 1, Belfast, NY 14711. This is our Worldwide Headquarters and central war room. If you’d like to see photo’s of our operation, just click this link and prepare to enter the world of the Rodent Revolution:
http://www.shortwavepirate.info/audio/OffAir/WBNY/WBNY.html

You can hear studio versions of our factual, informative programs, by clicking on the audio links on the right of the page.

May I caution you chimps to “Check your tire Pressure” and prepare for the impending downfall of the monkey run world! While swinging in your rope-tire in your backyard, whilst eating banana’s, contemplate how useless you are to the world!!!

Commander Bunny
Supreme Ruler of the Rodent Revolution
(Oh yes, take this serious ape-human)

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which She Said WHAT??

May 21st, 2007 No comments

Sweet fucking JESUS I hate Michelle Malkin.    Honestly.  I don’t even want to get into it.  Or why I wound up not changing the channel as she guest-hosted The O’Reilly Fucktard.  She screamed over the two talking heads brought on for the immigration segmented.  She sneered at Jimmy Carter with comments along the lines of “he was a horrible president so who cares what he has to say.”  Oh it went on and on until a segment on bat-shit insane Ron Paul supposedly endorsing the slightly bat-shit insane idea that the US had some sort of involvement with 9/11.   And during that segment (around 10:31pm) Ann Coulter’s submissive sex slave laid the Fox soul bare saying

I don’t even understand what they’re (the GOP) doing letting Ron Paul get up there and support our party.

Yes, yes, I know, I am shocked, shocked to find gambling going on in this establishment, but still it makes me weep for America.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Muse On Why They Get It Wrong

May 14th, 2007 2 comments

A certain website frequently gets accused (rightly or wrongly) of satire.  The accusing group breaks into two camps.  Camp One finds it hilarious, smart and well-executed.  Camp Two decries something to the effect of “they’re just satirizing homophobic, racist creationists by being homophobic, racist creationists”.

These folks misunderstand on a couple of levels.

Before continuing, let me make the caveat that, just as no one agrees on what makes the perfect Monte Christo or how to achieve world peace, so too does the definition of satire change with the person defining it.  You can look up the dictionary definition but I’m going to go with the grandaddy of Satire, Jonathan Swift – “Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own”.  For myself, Satire comes from a place of anger and disgust.  Dobson, VCY, Coulter, Limbaugh – I have fantasies about them along the lines of Swimming With Sharks.  They need to be fought and, eventually, have their head handed to them.

Misunderstanding #1 – You Can Talk To Them
Dobson doesn’t take callers because he’d have to work too hard fending off the millions of people he offends Monday thru Friday.  The few call-in shows he’s done record well ahead of time so they can shape the content and stack the deck.  Crosstalk takes calls live and takes on all comers.  When the occasional heretic takes issue with, say, advancing their belief that all gays molest children, they resort to the la-la-la-I’m-not-listening-and-Jesus-hates-you tactic.  They throw Bible verses at you and when that doesn’t work use the “nuh-uh” defense.

I sent an email to Crosstalk debunking the whole “Homosexual Agenda” myth.  The reply?

In regard to the essay you refer to, one only has to look at what is happening in society and see what is happening.  The essay is prophetic and tracks right along with what is happening today in congress, colleges, the military and every area referred to in the essay.

No facts.  No logic.  No admission of editorial malfeasance.  Just a simple straightforward, “so what”.  Oh, I’ve tried numerous times.  You can’t change them.

BUT – you can change other people’s perceptions of them.  I believe that it’s more that just “being homophobic, racist creationists”.  It’s taking the stereotype and magnifying it to the point of hideousness.  Remember in school when they put a drop of water on the slide and put it under a microscope?  You got to see all the shit contained in that seemingly clear water.  On the day of that experiment, most kids swear off water.  Same concept.  The only way to fight them is through satire.  They can’t fight against it.

For example – the UN passed a religious tolerance act to prevent the defamation of religions.  Ok.  Impractical, but harmless.  Not to the christo-fascists – this was, they claimed, the next step toward legitimizing Islam which, as we all know, preaches the destruction of America and the Jews.  Far too many people explicitly or implicitly agree with that statement.  You can’t convince them otherwise.  However, by claiming that because of the UN, Americans can no longer eat ham, bacon, or sausage because it’s offensive to Allah and might cause your favorite diner to be suicide bombed – that puts the issue into a different perspective.  That’s just plain fucking ridiculous.  In that way, their argument, if not diffused, now lives under a dark cloud of doubt and ridicule.

Misunderstanding #2 – “They’re like a 9-year-old who wants attention and just discovered the word “cunt”.

That’s an actual quote from a blog post bitching about the site in question.  The inelegant point he advances is that it’s just shock for shock value.  That’s not the case.  Usually.

I’ll admit that it’s not difficult to get lazy and go for the easy joke.  Come across the site on an off-day or start with the wrong post and that view is understandable.  The site, though, is more than one post.  The site means to take the black and still-beating heart from right-wing conservative christian and pass it around for all to see.  It’s an autopsy on a living patient.   What do you wanna bet that sometime during the 2008 campaign some religious right leader or republican candidate, thinking the camera’s turned off, calls Barak Obama a nigger?  John Edwards (a well-meaning Democrat) already came close to it.  So, of course, “nigger” is on the table, as are all the other racial epitaphs.  Should they be over-used?  No.  But the shouldn’t be shied away from.

Misunderstanding #3 – You’re Giving Aid And Comfort To The Enemy

The only intelligent response to this is – “fuck you”.  Seriously.

Stormfront, Resist and Army Of God do not link to us…all that much.  The two links that leap to mind are “Stop The ACLU” and a link to a cartoon from an anti-abortion website.  We rarely get supportive comments from readers that are not satires themselves.

But what if we did?  That would be even better!  How brilliant to receive an embrace from the hoary, hairy ogre arms of the christo-fascists!  To call them “brother”!  The seeds of destruction are best sowed from the inside.  In the best case scenario, someone climbs the ranks to president chimp’s speechwriter and throws egregious lies and over-the-top hate speech that shocks the nation out of its lethargy.  Kind of the reverse of the Janet Jackson Superbowl bullshit.

On a more practical level, linking from actual neanderthal websites means that possibly moderate readers get a face full of cold water when they reach our site.  That’s a good thing.

Bonus – Debunking

Dear sweet fucking jesus.  Who are these people and what must be done to dislodge the giant sequoia from out of their ass?  The debunking freaks, generally, got sucked into the site and vented untold amounts of spleen before figuring it out.  As such, they keep their embarassment right next to the box full of rejections to the senior prom and keep both alive so that they will never, ever forget those who humiliated them.  There’s just no other word for these pathetic bastards except “pathetic”.  They comb through DNS records and the Wayback Machine and then crow about finding out “THE TRUTH” on blogs and other webpages.  These are the kids who even the chess club had no compassion for in junior high.  They’re the ones that went around giving away the ending to The Crying Game and The Sixth Sense and could not for the life of them understand why they got punched in the face when they only wanted to be helpful.

I should wrap this up for the moment.

The goal, in my opinion, is to get one or both of the following statements

1) I can never vote republican again after reading this!
2) Please, please, please do not think that all christians are like this!

That is the purpose of Satire.  It’s not neccessarily supposed to be funny – it’s supposed to piss you off.

Categories: Culture, Navel (Gazing At) Tags:

In Which I Have Some Notes On The Bible Part II

May 13th, 2007 No comments

So I just got through Joshua and, boy, are my arms tired! 

For those of you who, like myself, don’t have frequent need for reciting the books of the Old Testament, this means, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy and Joshua. 

Thus far, the plot hasn’t changed all that much since God killed everyone except Noah and the gang in the first chapter.  (Note – According to the Institute for Creation Research, Noah brought the dinosaurs on board the ark in egg form.  So, Creationism doesn’t sound so implausible after all.)  God, as you recall, made a covenant to temper his temper and never ever do it again. HOWEVER, the Jews just won’t behave themselves so God (like the bad parent He is) brings hardship on them and they promise to never, ever stray again.  Until the next time.  Then the cycle starts all over again.  Now, you could say that God keeps His word in not destroying the Earth again, but, c’mon!  Enough is enough!  You’d think that a book that purports to inculcate the faithful would contain worshippers who did as they were told.  That’s not the case.

It’s stunning that Moses survived his leadership of the Jews.  I didn’t really talk about it in the last post but let’s go over the money shot of Exodus

Moses:  Let my people go!
Pharaoh:  Fuck off.
Moses:  Oooh.  God’s not gonna like this.
God:  Here’s a plague, Jew-hater!
Pharaoh:  MAKE IT STOP!
Moses:  Let my people go!
Pharoh:  Ok….
God:  I’m going to harden Pharaoh’s heart
Pharaoh:  JUST KIDDING!  You Jews get back to work.

Wash, rinse, repeat six more times.

At what point do you step back and tell Moses he’s fired?  I know this shows a Job-like faith that no matter what kind of an asshole God decides to be on any given day, that he’ll come through in the end.  Still, can you blame the Jews for misbehaving?  First, you constantly deal with God’s capriciousness and secondly you know he’ll forgive you in the end.

Leviticus – Laws, laws and laws.  What you can eat, the whole sabbath thing and lots of diagnosis of leprosy.  Oh, and kill gays.  Don’t forget that part.  And no sleeping with the livestock! And no Harry Potter!  Pretty much anything even remotely sinful means death.  Also, either God’s got some kind of inferiority thing going or the Jews were retarded because He frequently finishes thoughts with some variant of “I am the Lord”.  Just a quick eyeballing nets about fifty in Leviticus.

Leviticus 26:15-16 lays out God’s intentions fairly graphically

And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: 

I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.

Which, if I’m reading it correctly and “seed” refers to semen…well, that’s pretty gay.

Numbers – Given that I still have 32 books to go, I might be jumping the gun when I inform you that Numbers is the THE MOST BORING BOOK OF THE BIBLE

Point 1:  Numbers 3:14

And the LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, saying,

Number the children of Levi after the house of their fathers, by their families: every male from a month old and upward shalt thou number them.

And he does in painful detail listing the family and the number in the family.  It’s about as exciting as reading the raw data from a census…which is exactly what it is.

Point 2: Numbers 7

And the LORD said unto Moses, They shall offer their offering, each prince on his day, for the dedicating of the altar.

And he that offered his offering the first day was Nahshon the son of Amminadab, of the tribe of Judah:

And his offering was one silver charger, the weight thereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them were full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering:

One spoon of ten shekels of gold, full of incense:

One young bullock, one ram, one lamb of the first year, for a burnt offering:

One kid of the goats for a sin offering:

And for a sacrifice of peace offerings, two oxen, five rams, five he goats, five lambs of the first year: this was the offering of Nahshon the son of Amminadab.

On the second day Nethaneel the son of Zuar, prince of Issachar, did offer:

He offered for his offering one silver charger, the weight whereof was an hundred and thirty shekels, one silver bowl of seventy shekels, after the shekel of the sanctuary; both of them full of fine flour mingled with oil for a meat offering: ….

This goes on for twelve whole days.  There’s no variation.  No forks.  No gold chargers.  No number variation.

One wonders how, from a literary standpoint can anyone consider this the greatest book ever written?  Kids get flunked out of school for this kind of senseless padding.  The whole book follows the same pattern and by the time it’s over you’re just about ready to stone yourself to death.

The best thing about Numbers – snakes on the plain

Deuteronomy – MORE LAWS!  No cross dressing.  There’s also the charming “destroy all other religions” section in Deu 12

Ye shall utterly destroy all the places, wherein the nations which ye shall possess served their gods, upon the high mountains, and upon the hills, and under every green tree:

And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place.

Ye shall not do so unto the LORD your God.

But the plot advances with the Jews bristling about Moses poor leadership qualities and then backing down when God gives him another miracle to perform.  One wonders how this gibes with the “no wizard” rules since Moses staff does a fair amount of tricks.  God takes Moses and company to the edge of the Jordan River to the land of milk and honey and then…tells Moses he doesn’t get to see it.  Bad Moses!!  Instead, Moses dies and –

Joshua – Joshua gets to “fit de Battle of Jericho and de walls come-a tumbling down” and why?  Because Rahab, a whore, hid the spies he sent to scope out the city.  Weird.  The same whore that God commands us to stone to death plays an instrumental part in bring the Jews to the land of milk and honey.

Lots of war, death and destruction, too.  God never wants cities captured, he wants them decimated, everything in it destroyed and every citizen except the virgin women killed.

As with the previous books, polygamy suits God just fine.

I’m half way through Judges with, thus far is ripe with plot including the following passage that just begs for a Mel Gibson epic –

Then Jael Heber’s wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.

DAMN!

Categories: Bible Tags: