Kids, here’s the thing – let’s just put aside the sad, sad fact that some people are JUST TOO FUCKING LAZY to park properly.
Example – BlockBuster Video – 7pm
Ma’am, the reason you drive that big-ass SUV is because it’s the only car that you will fit in. Wanna know why? Because rather than pick up a modicum of exercise walking from the third space into the parking lot you have to park on the fucking sidewalk reduce your risk of a heart attack when rent Sleepless In Seatle, Forest Gump and Ernest Saves Christmas, buy twelve tubs of popcorn, eight Cokes and one of each kind of candy.
Example – CVS – Anytime of the day or night
You WILL NOT BE JUST A MINUTE so blocking up traffic isn’t just a brief inconvenience for EVERYBODY ELSE EXCEPT YOU. If I can hunt down nail clippers, hydrogen peroxide, figure out exactly which make and model of tampon I’m supposed to pick up and your car is still there when I get back then you become a selfish prick and nothing will change that.
There’s just no reason for it. Need to drop Grandma off to get her perscriptions? Great! That’s very nice of you. It doesn’t, however, entitle you to idle your car for twenty minutes with the Megadeth cranked up to 11. Nothing else matters? Yes, it does. Common courtesy.
Too bitter? Sorry about that. I get a litle crazy sometimes. But sometimes…sometimes it’s all worth it.
Take last Friday, for instance – I walk out of a CVS to see some cute little blue faux-truck zipping through the parking to rest in a handicap spot. A MILF at the early stages of decline pops out, smooths her jeans and heads for the bank walking through the empty parking space in front of it. Like I said – I get a little crazy.
“HEY,” I shout.
She turns around possibly expecting to see one of her son’s friends that used to follow her around like love-struck puppy dogs. It’s not so much anymore, but she still hopes. Instead, she sees me. We’re the same age so she scowls slightly.
“That’s a handicap spot!”
She does a quarter take (half of a double take) before she realizes she dealing with some asshole that, if she deigns to respond, will make her late for her doctor’s appointment to get the ball rolling on her second face lift. She doesn’t need to tell me to go fuck myself. She got tired of saying it to pretty much everyone she encountered and tattooed on her forehead.
“I cannot believe how incredibly rude you are! I mean how the hell – ”
“Buddy.” A voice calls out from the next row. I’m too worked up to register the voice. “Buddy,” it says a little more insistently. I turn toward the voice and see…the Parking Ticket Guy!
It almost makes you want to believe in God.
“Don’t worry about, buddy,” he smiles pleasantly. “It’s not like you didn’t try to warn her.” He pauses to let the smile break into a grin. “Right?”
“Exactly,” I gloatingly agree.
“That’s gonna be $150 for her.”
“And it’s worth every penny.”
I would have given anything to stick around just to watch the look on her face. Sadly, I was running late already. I took a circle around the parking lot praying that she’d return in time.