Actually, I had my Tevas on when Mike Gallagher proclaimed sanctimoniously
Sure. All right, Congressman Murtha. Let’s get out of Iraq. Let’s do it. But you need to know that if we do that we all might as well convert to Islam, put on a turban and start denouncing the infidels. Because that’s what that’s gonna mean.
SCORE! My car wobbled slightly after he said that, not from a possibly under-inflated tire but from the whole of the wingnut community physically changing the earth’s orbit by stomping and cheering. “Go back to Russia, you sonofabitch cocksucker! Jesus doesn’t want you here!”
Gallagher followed this up by several back-to-back callers demanding that Murtha dangle from the hangman’s noose for treason. Every time a Liberal opens their mouth another US soldier dies. The terrorists and/or insurgents would shrivel up and die if we’d just stop talking about the bad stuff. Isn’t it obvious?
Well, after that, what’s a Liberal to do but pick up the phone? How to approach it, though? Someone suggested that I start calling up as Billy Bob and perhaps I should, but it’s much more fun to speak unfettered as a demon Liberal. Finally, I had it.
Mike: And now we go over to Paul. Thanks for calling, Paul.
Me: Thanks for taking my call, Mike. So, did we all turn Communist after we pulled out of Vietnam?
Mike: I’m sorry?
Me: Well, you said that if we leave Iraq right now, we might as well put on a burka and –
Mike: Turban. I think I said turban
Me: Well, whatever is hip in Iraq these days. I’m just trying to follow your logic. We pulled out of Vietnam and the US did not become Communist, right?
Mike: Oh. That’s so cute. That’s so clever. You’re an idiot
Me: Seriously, Mike. You’re telling me that if we leave Iraq we’ll all turn into terrorists. It’s your paradigm. That didn’t happen after Vietnam.
Mike: That’s a completely different thing and you know it.
Me: We went into Vietnam to save the US from Communism. We went into Iraq, you guys say, to save us from terrorism and…
Mike: Just…stop. Stop it. Lemme ask you something – Where were you on 9/11?
Me: Outside an office building.
Mike: And how did you feel?
Mike: Wierd. So you’re telling me that…what…we should allow terrorists to continue to kill Americans?
Me: Huh? Where did that come from?
Mike: Just let ’em come and go as they please, right? We deserve it. We’re the bad guys, right, Paul? That’s what you and your Liberal friends say, isn’t?
Me: Nooooo. But the hijackers weren’t from Iraq.
Mike: There are terrorists in Iraq this very minute! You’re probably sad that Zarqawi died, aren’t you?
Me: Nooooo. He was a scumbag, Mike. A thug. He also wasn’t in Iraq until we invaded.
Mike: He was there when we killed him, though. And you think it’s our fault.
Me: Well, Mike, you’ve got Iraq with Saddam Hussein and no terrorists then we walk in and now you’ve got Iraq without Saddam Hussien and with terror-
Mike: (Cutting me off and thrashing around for some kind of coherent statement that I couldn’t quite understand)
Me: (Trying to finish my previous statement until) Oh, that’s right. This is the station where the host both talks and listens.
Gallagher’s argument, I think, was that it doesn’t matter where the terrorists are or how they got there. What’s important is that we kill them. He didn’t want to hear about how the majority of hijackers came from Saudi Arabia. That’s not important. Or how none of the terrorists came from Iraq. That’s not important. Or how terrorists magically appeared after we invaded Iraq. That’s not important. What’s important is that they’re there now and we’re killing them. Live in the present. End of story.
Mike continued to hammer away at this modified, twelve-step, go-with-what-you-have kind of logic until he ended with something along the lines of, “so you think all Americans deserve to die, right?” Needless to say I was stunned. I attempted to respond, but, in the best tradition of wingnut radio, he continually cut me off.
M: C’mon, Paul, c’mon! Cat got your tounge? Can’t talk your way out of this, can ya?
Me: Mike, how many kids did you beat up for their lunch money in grade school, dude?
Mike: DUDE?? DUDE?? What arrre yeeeeew, sum kinda surrrrrferrrrr, duuuuuude? What are you, nineteen?
Me: No, I’m forty-three.
Mike: DUDE?? You’re forty-three years old and you still say, “duuuuude”? You’re a joke.
Me: Well, you hang out with your thirteen year old and stuff just rubs off.
Mike: You’re a joke and a fool and an imbecile, Paul. I’m glad that I could expose you for the Liberal jackass that you are. Put on your Birkenstocks and your tie-dye t-shirt and get outta here.
Me: I don’t wear Birkenstocks.
Mike: (Snort) Hyuh. Right.
Me: You’re gonna look great in a burka, Mike.