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Archive for April, 2006

In Which MIKE Had Fun With RDBS

April 30th, 2006 No comments

MIKE-FM, here in Boston, plays “everything”. Well, not everything, but I did hear The Partirdge Family’s I Think I Love You and that counts for something. The conceit behind the station is that you’re listening to Mike’s iPod on shuffle – you’ll never know WHAT’S gonna show up! You might here a song from the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s or, who knows, a song that just came out! Kooky!

Not to get too far off the subject but –

1) This is NOT the “audio whiplash” they tout it as. “Audio whiplash” sounds something like this or this. Sure, there’s room for Dire Straights but following it up with David Bowie, Tommy Tutone or Men Without Hats places it neatly next to every other middle-of-the-road-dentist-office-thanks-for holding station that ever existed. You won’t hear Gilbert and Sullivan followed by The Sex Pistols. On the plus side, you might go days without hearing Shakira because…

2) It’s all automated. There’s no DJ. There’s a lonely techician making sure the software functions properly but that’s it. All voices are pre-recorded. It’s about as organic as a random number generator.

Still, a human exists there and, as Ray Bradbury tells us frequently, where humans dwell the possibility for trouble dwells also. What kind of trouble can you cause at a station that’s run by machine?

RDBS stands for Radio Broadcast Data System which, among other things, allows compatible radios to recieve text on their displays. Stations can transmit the artist and title of the current song or transmit the station’s call letters. It’s kinda cool.

Or a bored technician can type “Who Farted?” and broadcast the message to tens of thousands of radios.

Imagine the possibilties!

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In Which I Fear For America

April 30th, 2006 No comments

Yes, I know that every pot has a lid, that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and judge not unless lest ye be judged – BUT whichever one of you who stopped by on a search of “nancy grace in a thong” please email me immediately. We need to get you help. Not only have you bought into TMWG syndrome (The Missing White Girl) but you’re now fetishizing it. It’s not healthy. Really not healthy.

It’s really one of the main goals in my life. If I can stop one person from whacking off to a picture of Nancy Grace in a thong then I’ve done what I set out to do.

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In Which YOU Can Put Rush Limbaugh In Jail

April 29th, 2006 No comments

Well…figuratively, at least.

The only good thing about web polls is the fake feeling of empowerment that washes over you when you see your vision of justice meted out. Wingnuts feel it when they vote in a New Repblic poll to cut Bill Clinton’s dick off. (The other choice, of course, is to give him free ice cream sudaes for life.) I feel it when I put Limbaugh in a prison cell with one of the numerous underclasses he trashes on a regular basis.

Let’s dust off his famous dictum one more time –

“Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. … And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up.”

Or, rather, they should be accused, ordered to pay $30,000 and not get caught doing drugs for eighteen months.

I’m still baffled by the whole thing. Here was a chance for wingnuts to practice what they preached. A slam dunk. “We don’t care who it is or how big he is – the law is the law.” If they wanted to ground whiny liberals into dust all they needed to do was yank Rush off the airwaves and smile coldly. How could we have fought that? That’s claiming moral high ground.

Instead, they wrung their hands over the dangers of addictive pain killers and how even Jesus might have forged perscriptions were he in the same posistion. Rush was not a junkie rampantly breaking the law. Rush was…ill. Common street junkies don’t deserve treatment for addiction or a second chance because those people made a concious decision to start using drugs apropos of nothing but the evil and amorality that lurks in their black hearts. Rush did not choose to use drugs. His doctor made that decision.

At the end of the day, Limbaugh gets a free pass just like any other celebrity with the exception of Robert Downey Jr. and Christian Slater. The difference, of course, is that most of them don’t preach vitrolic hatred and scorn against drug addicts. As they saying goes, if you want justice pick on the poor and disenfranchised.

One last quote, though –

Too many whites are getting away with drug use…Too many whites are getting away with drug sales…The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too.

Amen.

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In Which I Post The Headlines

April 27th, 2006 No comments

I guess there’s an upside to having to lay in bed waiting to pass kidney stones in that I’m actually ahead of schedule.

Kenneth Lay told a jury on Tuesday that the problems at Enron affected him “as deeply as the loss of a family member”. To prove this, his lawyers called his mother to the stand shot her in the head as Lay watched. Weeping and spattered with blood, Lay told the jury that he had no prior knowledge of the shooting of his mother, a claim his lawyers denied. Lay will face conspiracy to commit murder changes at the end of the Enron trial.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice cut short their Administrative and Professional day celebrations to pay a surprise visit to Iraq on Wednesday and welcome new Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Malaki. Said Rumsfeld “We stand here as a clear sign to the world that Iraq is not a puppet of the United States government and I’m sure the Prime Minister will tell you exactly that in his own eloquent words as soon as we’re done translating it for him”. As they left Iraq, Rice reportedly reminded al-Malaki there were to be “no parties” until they returned.

Fox News commentator, Tony Snow, will become the new White House Spokesweasal replacing former spokesweasal, Scott McClellan. The White House cited Snow’s experience in the previous bush administration as the deciding factor in the appointment. However, an anonymous high ranking official whose name rhymes with Got-to-Hell-an told Hbee Inc Radio that, as an employee of Fox, the White House required no further paperwork for Snow to start the new job.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a Florida death row inmate to decide whether death by lethal injection constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. The three stage process includes the introduction of a chemical that veterinarians have banned in killing animals on death row. This will be the second time the court has visited this issue. In 2005, the court ruled unanimously that death by listening to Derek Gerry drone on about the genius of Nick Kershaw was, indeed, cruel and unusual.

In yet another sign that the end times are upon us, someone actually thought that a ten million dollar Broadway musical based on Anne Rice’s The Vampire Trilogy with music and lyrics by Elton John and Bernie Taupin would be a sure fire success. When contacted, Jesus H. Christ said “Even I couldn’t forgive this and I’m now pro-abortion”.

Münchhausen by proxy candidate, Beth Holloway Twitty, who still can’t understand how her sexually repressed cheerleader daughter went missing after a night of bong hits and belly shots in an Aruban bar, decided to file civil suit against Joran van der Sloot, the first person she laid eyes on when she deplaned in Aruba. The Alabama woman filed suit against the Aruban in the most natural of all places – New York. Explaining the choice, a spokesweasal for the family cited a dearth of Jewish lawyers in Alabama and faster access to the media.

In Which I Just Have To Share

April 25th, 2006 No comments

[I promise I won’t bore you endlessly with this stuff but, as the kids say, OMFG!]

Ayanna Sykes homewrecker that bears children by married men ripoff Brooklyn New York
This woman and my husband planned together to conceive a child, a son especially and that is exactly what I’m dealing with. I was devastated when I first found out that I became almost crazy I could’nt sleep I couldn’t eat I lost a total of 47 pounds which I needed to lose but thats’ besides the point….

National Bureau Of Prize Information (NBPI), A.K.A, department of unclaimed awards, ripoff Missleading info fradulent billing, Ft Lauderdale, Florida And Peterborough, New Hampshire
I initially recieved a very official notification stating that I had won over $3’000’000.00 U.S. dollars and all I needed to do was send in $20.00 for information on how to collect my prize. the letter stated it was from vagas. I frequently go to vagas so I thought it might be possible. immediatly after sending my $20.00 I recieved another request for $20.00 from the same company stating that this is their fee for securing the funds. then I started recieving more mail from different companies stating the same thing. This made me suspisious so I did a google search on one of the companies and found out that they are all tied together. Scamm for suckers, no doubt.

Lauryn Palmer ripoff Pico Rivera California
Lauryn Palmer claims to be a love expert of 35 years. First, she told me if a case is too difficult she would not accept it and told me to call back the next day. Then Lauryn mentioned the spell would cast in 3 days. When I felt no effect I called back in three days then she added “wait another day I am positive it will work I feel positive energies”.

Now when I first spoke to her she guaranteed the spell would cast less than a week and charged $275.00. The funny part is when I called the following week and she called me back and stated the energy levels are not stable and someone in my past put a curse on my love life that I may never be happy (haha) and she would have to conduct a cleansing which include four other spells which was $200.00 dollars each.

I said h*ll no, I was stupid one time but will never get me twice. She also gave me her cell number and seem to be very caring and sincere. I was told not to contact my ex. Well at one time I used to be really into the bible so I turned back to God. I called my ex and now we are speaking. I am so mad at myself I thought man could produce God’s work. I asked God if he doesn’t want to talk to me then there is a reason for everything we never know what God is trying to save us from it maybe AIDS, danger, or for our own good and sometimes we are our own problems. I asked God to forgive me. I never called her back.

If a guy or a woman doesn’t want to be with you then maybe you deserve better. I know LOVE is hard to get over but that is free will. I should have never tried to force love into my relationship. When we finally talked I listen this time and he listen, I admitted somethings and he did too. I feel better that he’s talking to me out of his own free will now I can live with myself. When the heart aches tears burn and God listens.

Oh, god, I’m going to need a 12-step program for this fucking site!

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In Which I Regret Looking Into It

April 25th, 2006 No comments

You know how when trying to do one thing you get completely sucked up into something else and the next thing you know you’re in the emergency room because you forgot to eat or drink?

Mantra Inc, makers of Girls Gone Wild and over-achieving telemarketers, have really started pissing me off. I’m getting calls every one or two days now. Sadly, I’m not home to field them. So I thought I’d do the google thing and find out the deal. (Like knowing that Mantra Inc is the company name.) Which led me to RipOff Report, a service of the Bad Business Bureau. I hesistate to post the link since, well, you can’t imagine the train wreck you’ll encounter within.

It’s not just businesses the good folk complain about. Let’s look at

Jessica Rabideau ripoff Bi-polar, deadbeat mom, stinky, Cheap crack hoe lost her 2 little girls to the state Tupper Lake New York *Consumer Comment ..pot calling the kettle……

Do you really know the people in your community? Well let me tell you about one of them. Her name is Jessica Rabideau and she lives at 309 mcglaughlin ave. Jessica is bi-polar and does not take here medication. She has lost her 2 little girls to the state for many reasons.

Reason one is that her babysitter(who was a minor) was havin sex in front of her 5 yr old with Joel ottley.

Jessica has also lost her childern because a social worker walked into her apartment and found Jessica curled up in a ball on the floor while her two little girls were goin ape and throwing food at her. Who does shit like that? Jessica has made some pretty serious accusations about one of her ex friends that could ruin her life. We are talking about Jessica sayin that this woman had involvement in a Homicide in which she was held hostage. How crazy is that? Not to mention that this girl meets guys on the internet and invites them to her apartment and makes 150 dollars from stripping and having sex with much older men.

Jessica makes harrassing phone calls and then runs to the police and blames the other party. Jessica hangs out with Corey Hall and Will Hooven. Which are known crack heads.

Jessica herself tokes on the pipe once in a while. This GIRL has faked many pregnancies and mysterious misscarriages every two weeks. Who has an eptopic pregnancy and has the surgery and released the same day(within hours) Come on Jessica!! So for a girl who lives in this great town, sees nothing but red when shes mad, talks about cutting people, and blowing them up. Who has lost her kids, which the things she does and now that they are out is sure to get them back soon, she really has room to talk.

Or the 57 year old dog grooming WHORE that seduces every man she meets. Not bad for a 57 year old, you have to admit.

Or the guy complaining about how he the chat line he called turned out to be PHONE SEX! Sweet Jesus, say it ain’t so.

What’s worse, you can search for your favorite topics from the current total of 188,000+ greivences. From Abusive Children to Yoga & Meditation classes (and I wish there was a “they caused conjunctivitis in my third eye” but there’s not) you can find the text equivilent of Jerry
Springer 24/7/365…unless the site is overloaded, which it sometimes is.

I feel badly for telling you about this. Use the restraint that I do not have.

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In Which bush Continues To Lose It

April 25th, 2006 No comments

So, he’s at 32% right now, according to CNN. We know that he’s The Decider (at least until The Rock makes a movie of the same name) so what does anybody do when they’re in deep, deep shit? Answer – Call on God.

Editor And Publisher reports that bush telling a business group in Irvine, CA

One, I believe there’s an Almighty. And, secondly, I believe one of the great gifts of the Almighty is the desire in everybody’s soul, regardless of what you look like or where you live, to be free.

Please, Ggod, make it stop! It should be fairly obvious to everyone that the whole “Crusades” slip up was not a slip up. He meant it. They want to convert the world to Jesus or bring about the end of the world. It really doesn’t matter to them.

The pundits will latch onto that quote, but the better one, IMHO, comes later in the article

It’s not easy work, by the way, to go from tyranny to democracy. We had kind of a round go ourself, if you look back at our history. My Secretary of State’s relatives were enslaved in the United States even though we had a Constitution that said all were — that believed in the dignity, or at least proclaimed to believe in the dignity of all. The Articles of Confederation wasn’t exactly a real smooth start for our government to begin. And what you’re watching on your TV screens is a new democracy emerging.”

“My Secretary of State’s relatives were enslaved…” and look how good she turned out!

Has he run so far out of rationalizations that he’s now playing the race card to defend his crusdade against the evil Muslim empire?

I’m having trouble parsing the logic here. Is he saying –

“350 years from now Iraquis will be a little more equal than they are now?”

Or

“Look at our history! We had to share the US with a bunch of savages that conducted terror operations on our strongholds and we were able to wipe ’em out!”

Or

“I know that with my help, Jesus will change the underlying social and political structure of the Middle East. It took awhile for me to be born and that’s why it didn’t get done sooner.”

It’s not right to wish ill on people. So, in that spirit, I hope he gets his final reward sooner rather than later. My only comfort is that at least some the complete and utter fuckheads that voted for him ask themselves “Was it worth not letting fags marry for this?”

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In Which Irony Wins Again

April 24th, 2006 4 comments

Oh, dear.

I’m no longer welcome at the hot new board for comedians. Me and my big mouth!

The kid who runs the board at one time prided himself as the enfant terrible of the Boston comedy scene, as well as the enfant terrible of the Kvetch Board. Oh, the days and nights I spent cleaning up after one of his patented let’s-stir-up-shit sessions. The sad day when the owner of the board said to ban him. And the other sad day when the owner of the board said to ban him. And the one after that, too. Fuck the structure, he declaimed! Don’t censor my thoughts and words, you small minded cretanic cunt! I have just as much right to voice my opinion in public as the useless pieces of shit that continue to foul the waters of comedy with their very presence! Yes, those were fun times!

I never quite understood why he always came back to the board he couldn’t stand; the board that didn’t understand him; the people he despised. Maybe he just needed to let them know that, despite the fact that he hadn’t written any new material in a year and a half, that he was still just as sharp as he was in his hey-day when club after club asked (sometimes politely) never to return.

So when he emailed me to ask for help setting the board up, I couldn’t resist. Sure, I bore his wrath in the past. Sure, he called me a useless cunt. But there’s something sweetly pathetic about someone who considers you worthless asking for your help. It’s adorable, really, to think that I might have been fourth or fifth on list. Or that I was the only one he could think of. No matter.

Have you ever read the book Geek Love? It’s about husband and wife that ingest drugs, chemicals and anything they can think of in order to give birth to horrifying, mutated circus freaks. Wouldn’t you, too, jump at the chance to help a freak find its way into the world? I would! Hell, yes, I would! And since it’s my metaphor, I get to be the sperm that fertilizes the egg. Imagine the fireworks! The verbal carnage! At last, a place where there were no rules and you could say whatever the hell you wanted because you owned it! MAN, that would be cool!

I said, MAN, that would be cool!

I SAID…well, maybe not.

But maybe, instead of a no-holds-barred, wild-west shoot ’em up, it would turn into an invite only forum to weed out the lame-os. Or evovle into sludge-y morass with lots and lots of rules. Perhaps it might take on all the wit and sponteneity of a sitcom pilot. And fake fights. Not just fake fights but long, drawn-out lead-ins to fake fights filled with rules about how and when to post, who would judge, and how to score them. And…

You get the idea – an abortion.

And through it all, vague threats of getting kicked out if you posted on Kvetch. And a tacit understanding that criticism was not all that welcome. And nicknames. No nicknames. So, after a couple of weeks when I got the quaintly passive-aggressive email telling me he wanted to delete hbee (too Kvetch-y) and would I mind signing up under my real name, well, what could I say to the now enfant feeble except fuck you? Answer – nothing else. Not a goddamn thing. Especially when the kid uses an nickname himself.

It’s one thing to casually post on message boards with a bunch of like minded friends. It’s quite another to have the specter of the admin hanging over your head, finger on the delete button, judging to see whether your posts are up to his standard. I get this sadly desparate feeling that this could be it for him. If he can’t attract talent (whatever the hell that means) to this board that can…what? Conduct completely forced humorous conversations? Placate the web-surfing public that comes to watch the monkeys perform in a cage? Create some kind of cool-kids’ lunch table that everyone clammers to join?

So, we’ve gone from fuck-you-the-web-forum-I-don’t-own-MUST-tolerate-my-bullshit to I-own-this-web-forum-and-I-will-not-tolerate-your-bullshit.

What can you say but – WOW.

But let’s end of something constructive –

There’s a story in AA about a group of folks disillusioned with most of the meetings they attended. One day, they decided to sit down and figure out the formula to a good meeting. It took a couple of days of haggling and discussion, but finally they came up with a list of fifty-one rules. For the sake of brevity, I won’t list them here. They celebrated the list by going to a local bar and getting shitfaced. With the new rules to perfect meetings agreed and voted on, they took it to the Central Office to bestow upon the rest of AA the benefit of their groundbreaking labor. No more strife at meetings attended by alcoholics!

The head of the Central Office read the list carefully, nodding and murmuring his approval. He asked for a couple of minutes alone to think about it. The group sat in the lobby waiting for the verdict.

“It’s a great list,” the head said, “a really great list. You’ve covered just about everything.”

The group smiled and tried to look humble.

“There’s only one more rule that I can think of that really needs to be on here. I wrote it at the bottom under Rule 51. Other than that, don’t change a thing. Thanks for all of your effort.”

He dropped the list on the table in front of them and headed back to his head office. They didn’t all jump at once. That would have been rude, but once they identified who would get to read Rule 52, they sat back and waited.

“Rule 52,” she read after clearing her throat, “Don’t take yourselves so goddamn seriously.”

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In Which I Post The Headlines

April 21st, 2006 No comments

A day late and $10B/day short.

White House Spokeweasal, Scott McClellan, resigned his post as White House Spokesweasal today, reportedly because he could no longer tolerate swallowing his own vomit during press briefings. McClellan thanked Jeff Gannon for teaching him how to swallow and talk at the same time. Said McClellan, I couldn’t have done it without him.

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited Washington in what the Chinese billed as a State Visit and what the administration termed as a quick how-do-ya-do. Neither is true, according to information uncovered by Hbee Inc. Radio. The real reason for the visit our sources tell us was for Jintao to tell bush that if he doesn’t make good with the 2 B in interest the US owes China “some bad thing gonna happen”. Jintao gave bush a fortune cookie that read – Ancient Chinese proverb says: man with broken arm find chopping wood hard.

A pageant held in Iran on Wednesday stuck fear in the hearts of western leaders as it was expected that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would announce that Iran succeeded in enriching uranium, thereby joining the elite Blow-Up-The-World club. Those fears turned out to be unfounded, however, as Ahmadinejad emerged onstage in a purple spangled turban and matching cape claiming to be Magical Mahmoud the Marvelous Magician. Waving two small vials in the air, he claimed that through the force of his mind and his special magic sprinkle juice he would cause US gas prices to top five dollars a gallon by mid-August.

Cardinal Shaun O’Malley announced that the Catholic Church is running a forty-six million dollar deficit. The Cardinal cited many reasons for the deficit, including declining church attendance, declining rental income and a church-wide misunderstanding of principal of the No Child Left Behind Act. O’Malley told parishioners that, thanks to a loan from China, the Church would remain solvent and a hostile takeover bid from the Mormons could be easily avoided.

The bush administration piloted a novel approach to enforcing illegal immigration laws today. The new approach represents a radical departure from the old as it calls for actually enforcing laws already on the books. For example, after sampling employee records at IFCO, authorities found that 53 percent of the social security records were faulty. Immigration officials took the unprecedented step of actually arresting the illegal workers and the managers that hired them. A spokesweasal for the INS cautioned, however, that this was only a pilot program whose effectiveness would be evaluated at some future date.

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In Which I May Have Stumbled On A Wonderful Excuse

April 21st, 2006 No comments

“I don’t remember writing that! Must’ve been the Percoset I was gobbling while writhing on my bed of pain.”

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