Archive for March, 2006

Protected: In Which My Time Was Completely Wasted

March 30th, 2006 Enter your password to view comments.

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In Which I Need To Edit This Later

March 28th, 2006 No comments

Perhaps, if things go well, I, too, will have some snarky asshole writing about me. Last week I had an audition for a hush-hush commercial that if I dropped the name of the company they would send a swat team to swoop in through the windows of my house (not that cinematic, since we live on the ground floor), grab my children and sell them into slavery. I signed a non-disclosure agreement pretty much allowing them to do it. Another audition looms on the horizon which I’m also not at liberty to divulge. So, who knows?

Paul Day is a no-talent hack who must’ve spread wide for whichever producer was coked up enough to hire him. I’ve never seen such horror on the screen since Stalin’s Dance Til Ya Die party of 1931.

Message boards will fill with spiteful assessments of me. I’ll need a new email address since some hanger-on will steal my Sidekick and dump the contents on the Internet turning my current addesses into the inboxes from hell. I’ll have thrown the freedom of my anonimity away and become fair game for any half-assed blogger who’s bored enough to take a shot at me.

Hopefully, I’ll get paid well.

For the second time, I’ve been contacted by a stranger who wound up in the spotlight. The first was a woman who I suggested might be adopted by the right-wing as the next Terri Schiavo*. Hugh Hewitt, the techno wingnut, raved on about the insensitive drug company that was withholding an expiremental and possibly life-saving drug from her. If I recall, however, he didn’t have a problem with drug companies writing the Medicare reform bill to bilk old people of their Social Security checks. Just shows t’ go ya. Anyway, both she and her fiance wrote and gently chastised me for my post on the matter and suggested that I could not possibly know what they were going through and not to judge them. I tried to assure them that I was not a heartless monster but I found it odd and troubling how an issue that affected one single person could somehow wind up a national news story while tens of thousands of people suffer without an inch of column space or a second on CNN.

Three months ago I wrote about the abomination that is Intervention. Tonight the post got a comment from the sister of the addict featured in the show. It said, among other things, not to judge her.

I’m not sure how much more plainly it can be said – If you put yourself into the media stream, you’re going to be judged. The law of averages says that somebody will take exception to you and/or your cause. Have we become so media deadened that people can’t even consider this possiblity? Do they feel that it’s their right to appear on televison, turn out the lights when they’re done and be left alone? Do the producer’s of Intervention or the Hugh Hewitt’s of the world sit down with the newest junkie or cause celeb and explain exactly how this might change their life? “I know you realize,” they might say, “that millions of people will be watching you, but do you really get what that means? In this age of instant communication, anybody can say anything about you they want. Anybody. So if you feel at all nervous about the prospect of someone 400 miles away writing about you, you need to work that out before we start filming. Oh. And change your phone to an unlisted number.” According to The Money Shot : Trash, Class, and the Making of TV Talk Shows, most producers don’t take the time.

And, sorry, I don’t see much difference between Jerry Springer and Intervention. Would I have a different feeling if it were on PBS? I think PBS would do the show completely differently.

*As she died in July of last year, I’ll leave her name out it rather than put out another link on the Internet. Oddly, someone hit this blog last week on a search of her name.

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In Which I Post The Headlines

March 25th, 2006 No comments

Like Tom Cruise, its tiny human counterpart, tiny North Korea jumped the couch in a desperate bid to have somebody pay attention to it by releasing a statement reading “ Pre-emptive strike is not the monopoly of the United States “. UN Ambassador, John Bolton, was unable to comment on the threat as he kept breaking into uncontrollable giggles, muttering “they’re so cute” and making vague references to dwarf bowling.

President bush kicked of the forth year of the Iraq War with a new campaign entitled “The Blankman Project” which will urge Americans to refrain watching, reading or listening to news until after the 2008 elections. In announcing the new campaign, bush said “the media– it’s – the news – the – they – media – not telling the whole – the media “, until Helen Thomas faked a heart attack to spare her fellow reporters further embarrassment.

Scandal rocked Natalee Holloway Industries when a rumor leaked out that 95% of the posts on the Blogs For Natalee forum were written by Beth Holloway Twitty and two members of her high school chess club who had a crush on her.

Major L. Tammy Duckworth, a paraplegic Iraqi war veteran, won the Illinois Democratic nomination to go up against Henry Hyde for his seat in the House of Representatives. Duckworth lost both legs in an accident where hordes of Iraqi children who were eager to enter the school she was building for them crushed her under their brand new
American sneakers that they couldn’t stop thanking American soldiers for. The Illinois Republican party issued a statement which read in part “We thank Major Duckworth for her service to this country. We have every confidence that she is not a cheap, slutty, drug taking, sadistic, chain smoking whore like other female soldiers such as Lynndie England.“

This just in, Ethel Frokopsian, a member of the Illinois National guard who served in Iraq, will soon issue a statement in which she claims that she was Major L. Tammy Duckworth’s lover during their tour in Iraq. Frokopsian claims that Duckworth is “a cheap, slutty, drug taking, sadistic, chain smoking whore like other female soldiers such as Lynndie England.“

In a break with tradition, Mitt Romney declined to acknowledge the anniversary of the Supreme Court ruling which graciously allowed adult Americans to use birth control without getting arrested. Romney, who told voters he was pro-choice during his gubernatorial campaign, had a well-timed change of heart as he considers running for president.

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In Which I’d Just Like To Pat Myself On The Back

March 22nd, 2006 No comments


American Theocracy, huh? The book that’s completely fucking with people’s heads because it posits (among other things) that the bush administration can afford to be sloppy and reckless because they truly believe that Jesus plans to return in the near future.

It’s not that I alluded to it last week before the review came out.

It’s that I said it blatantly right after the 2004 elections.

Compare the fantasy –

Reporter: Mr. President, we know that you’re a born again Christian, but do you subscribe to the theory that the presence of a red bull in Israel sets the stage for the End Times, the coming of Jesus and the destruction of the physical world?

bush: Heh, heh? Are you kidding me?!

Other Reporters: Heh, heh. Dickhead.

Reporter: Sir, if you would just give me a yes or no…

bush: Next question.

Reporter 2: Mr. President, America loves you sooooo much that we can hardly stand it sometimes. Is that ever hard for you?

bush: Wow! That’s a tough one! But I’m glad you asked that because just the other day I hugged a negro child and he said….

to the reality

QUESTION: Thank you for coming to Cleveland, Mr. President, and to the City Club.

My question is that author and former Nixon administration official Kevin Phillips in his latest book, “American Theocracy,” discusses what has been called radical Christianity and its growing involvement into government and politics. He makes the point that members of your administration have reached out to prophetic Christians who see the war in Iraq and the rise of terrorism as signs of the Apocalypse. Do you believe this, that the war in Iraq and the rise of terrorism are signs of the Apocalypse?

He didn’t answer the question, but rather went into a long rant about 9/11 and his most important talking point.

I’m not trying to boast, really. I, more than anyone, know that a broken clock is right twice a day.

Still, I get to be a little bit smug.

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In Which I Listened With Rapt Attention

March 21st, 2006 No comments

[I’m currently waiting for the hot water heater installation to finish.  I’m sure there’s plenty I could be doing right now rather than recatorgorizing old posts and blathering on.  Maybe he’ll finish soon.]

Flipping around before bed, a depression swept over me such as I had not felt for awhile.  My night time channel surfing habits keep shifting towards reality programming and it strikes me that almost everything on after 11pm is reality programming.  Court TV, A&E, TLC, Discovery, PBS, MTV, VH1 – throw a rock and you’ll hit a reality show.  And what’s the result?  Millions of people believing that what they watch is the straightup truth, as opposed to something cleverly edited together for maximum dramatic impact.

I caught three minutes before the last commercial break of Dr. 90210, possibly the most harmful show on television.  Some former fatty got sliced, diced, sucked and enlarged until she looked like she thought she should look.

And then she, her mom and two friends went shopping.  And spent $1700 on new clothes.  “We take EVERYTHING,” Ms. Liposuction crowed.  $1700.  That’s slightly less than our house payment.

Later, they went to lunch.  As Shelly Winters picked off of her lunch partners plates (“Ooh, this pasta is great!”) she talked about – dieting.

I started dieting when I was 13? and they were all so restrictive? that I always put the weight back on?  And you can’t be on the Atkins diet forever no matter how many products they have on the market.  So (chomp) I guess what I’d say about dieting, is don’t stress about it.  Eat when you need to.  Stop when you’re full.

I don’t know your name, but please drown in a vat of pudding.  Please.  How can you spew that kind of bullshit when you just had plastic surgery not to be fat??  And you can be sure that tens of thousands of women watching this nod their heads sagely and think about how brave this fucking idiot is.

True story – A friend of mine was getting married.  She wanted to lose weight.  She realized that her eating sprang not from something that she could not control, but from a need to fill a hole within herself.  So she went to Overeater’s Anonymous.  She measured her food.  She only ate when she was supposed to.  She exercised.  For a while, it seemed obsessive to me.  When she would visit for dinner, she brought her own food.  BUT – she lost the weight she wanted to and resolved (or at least identified) the problems that made her turn to food for solutions.  And, one day, she felt confident enough to eat “normally”.  She has not gained the weight back.  The end.

Bimbo Number 2 (and I’ve no idea what massively invasive procedures she went through) sat at an outdoor cafe and chatted with two fairly overweight women who seemed to be thinking, “Go fuck yourself, you miserable bitch”.

“This is the body that I think I’m supposed to have”, she told her chubby but honest looking friends.  “NOW, I can feel confident about myself.  NOW, I can start dating and feel good about myself.”  One raised the merest whisper of a protest along the lines of it’s-your-insides-that-count.  She would hear none of’t.  As far as she was concerned, all she ever needed was money and medical science to make all of her junior high school dreams come true.

From the cafe, they went for a hike in the woods.  It felt good, she told the camera crew (and perhaps her friends, too), to be exercising again.  For two months the doctor told her no exercise and the disruption in her exercise routine had been “really hard.”  Huh?  Again, I missed the first 47 minutes of the show, but judging by her mishapen thighs her exercise routine needed revisiting in a big, big way.

My guess – a two-year anniversary show will find these women lonesome, miserable and probably in the process of suing Dr. 90210 (both the show and whichever doctor they went to).  I honestly don’t know why it’s so hard for people to understand – your problems spring from inside of you.  It’s got nothing to do with your eating, drinking, gambling, sex, drugs or even exercise.  It’s you.  You can make yourself unrecognizable to the guy in high school who talked you into a blow job behind the gym and humiliated you in front of the school, but that guy along with the rest of the school, will still live in your head, laughing at you until such time as you work it out inside and resolve it.    Big tits won’t do that.  Letting a machine suck the fat from your body won’t do that.  And $1700 worth of clothes will probably only serve to get you back behind the gym with the same guy.

Change – real, substantive change happens inside and sucks more than any fat vacuum.  At least for a while it does.  But the reward at the end of the pain makes you radiant.

And it doesn’t disrupt your exercise routine.

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In Which Jesus Goes Wild

March 21st, 2006 2 comments

I’m still trying to figure out how they got my number in the first place.  It’s not like I’ve ever paid for pornography (at least not online and with a credit card).  There’s no reason for my name to be in the “Will Buy Porn Over The Phone” database.  Indeed, the last time they called I told them “no thanks” and (I thought) take my name off the list.  But I’ll admit that the dual instincts of consenting to have four volumes of Girls Gone Wild shipped to me aboslutely free just for taking a survey confilcted not only with the no-free-lunch paradigm but also the my-wife-would-kill-me paradigm.

When the guy (a black guy, probably 25 or so) started the pitch, it took me a minute to make sense of what he was saying.  After wrapping my head around the weirdness of talking about Girls Gone Wild over the phone to a stranger, I quickly recovered.

Girls Gone Wild Guy:  Mr. Day?

Me:  Yes?

GGWG:  I’m calling to offer you four volumes of Girls Gone Wild simply for taking a survey about your habits in regards to adult entertainment.

Me:  (Pause)  Huh?

GGWG:  We’re offering you four DVDs of our famous Girls Gone Wild series shipped to you for free if you’ll answer a couple of questions.

Me:  Girls Gone…You mean that…Wait.  I’m confused.

GGWG:  Nothing to be confused about, Mr. Day.  I ask you some questions about your viewing habits when it comes to adult entertainment, you answer them and I send you four Girls Gone Wild DVDs.  I mean, you do watch adult entertainment, don’t you, Mr. Day? 

His tone of voice indicates that he’s answered the question already.  Nobody says no to free Girls Gone Wild.

Me:  No.

GGWG:  (Slightly taken aback)  You don’t watch any adult entertainment at all?

Me:  No.

GGWG:  (Conspiratorily) You’ll forgive me, Mr. Day, if I…

Me:  (Genuinely)  Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savoir?

GGWG:  Yes, sir, I have.

Me:  Oh.  Because I didn’t know that Jesus liked porn.

GGWG:  Sir, this isn’t pornography, it’s –

Me:  I’ve seen the commercials.  If you’ve got naked girls kissing –

GGWG:  It’s not hardcore pornography, sir, it’s –

Me:  It’s still porn.  How do you reconcile the belief that Jesus died on a cross to save the world and the fact that you call strangers to hock pornography?  I couldn’t do it.

GGWG:  Sir, Girls Gone Wild does not –

Me:  So, you’re more than ok showing Girls Gone Wild during church services.

GGWG:  We don’t watch TV during church.

Me:  Ok.  How about during Social Hour afterwards?  The congregation would be ok with you setting up a Girls Gone Wild table next to the coffee pot?

GGWG:  Sir –

Me:  Really, I’m curious.  The understanding that I have with Jesus tells me that what you’re doing is sinful. 

GGWG:  What I do to make a living has nothing to do with my faith in Jesus.

Me:  See, that’s where you’re wrong.  Your faith in Jesus should lead you away from this kind of thing.  Your faith in Jesus should show you a path that allows you to live a moral life and spread the Gospel of His coming.

GGWG:  (A half-hearted, resigned laugh)  A man’s gotta make a living.

Me:  If your faith was strong –

GGWG:  (Testily) You don’t know me.  You don’t know nothing about my faith.

Me:  Yeah, I do.  If your faith was strong then you’d know that God provides all who believe in Him with what they need to get by in the world.  And that wouldn’t include selling pornography over the phone.  I’m pretty sure of that.

GGWG:  You have a good night, sir.

Me:  God bless you.

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In Which I’m A Day Late

March 18th, 2006 No comments
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In Which I Write An Open Letter To A Tiny Actor

March 17th, 2006 No comments

Dear Tom Cruise,

I know when you write this kind of thing you’re supposed to lie and say “I’m your biggest fan, so I hope you realize that…” and some such shit like that.  But I’m not.  Outside of Magnolia, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you act.  That’s not to say that my wife and pre-wife girlfriends didn’t drag me to your foul little films.  Sadly, I never carried a knife back when I was drinking so I couldn’t stab myself repeatedly to end the pain and suffering I endured.  That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I guess…or perhaps sucks out a small portion of your soul.

Instead, I’m going to put my cards on the table – You, sir, are a literal and figurative cocksucker.  I’ll take the lesser of the two first.

Tom, it’s not that the rumors of your gayness might not be founded in jealousy.  I freely admit that any of the untold numbers of people who hate you might stoop to the age-old he’s-really-a-faggot ploy.  You’re immaculately pretty but given that the caliber of most of your performances cause the ghost of Truman Capote to appear on Ouji boards all over the world to quip “that’s not acting, that’s typing”, one must assume you give a helluva a blowjob.

The major “tell”, as your fellow con men might say, is that you could have spent the rest of your life fucking Nicole Kidman and you chose not to.  This goes beyond sheer idiocy and into the realm of homosexuality.  Sorry.  That’s just the way it is.  I know it’s written down somewhere, but I’m too lazy to find the link.

No, no.  Don’t start with the “she wasn’t interested in Scientology and I had to dump her” bullshit.  You’re not talented enough to pull that lie off.  Plus, what kind of an idiot allows any religion to get in the way of spending the rest of your life fucking Nicole Kidman?  Answer: Nobody…unless he’s gay.

Which brings up the figurative cocksucking.  Reports now trickle out that you demanded that Comedy Central yank a rerun of South Park.  Why?  Because it disrespected Scientology.  Yes, you threatened to not promote your upcoming piece of shit Mission Impossible 3: Ultra Butch if the world was given a second chance to watch Trapped In The Closet.  And Comedy Central caved in. 

It’s common knowledge that during your Scientology “training” they require you to tell them your dankest, foulest secrets.  And then they write them down.  And put the notes in a vault marked “People Who Are Completely Fucked If They Try To Leave Scientology”.  So, naturally, something like “I sucked off Franco Zeffirelli for a bit part in Endless Love“…who’d want that on the cover of People Magazine?  It’s easier and better for your career to do a little lap-dog dance for your masters.

But, you coming out of the closet would be like a car taking a right at a red light after checking for oncoming traffic.  It’s only shocking if it’s NOT done.  So what’s the point?

Here’s the thing – I’ll be asking my friends, family and three readers to stay away from Mission Impossible 3: Ultra Butch.  You see, boycotts are American.  Dictating programming schedules (unless that’s your job) is not.  It’s called…what’s the term…oh, yeah – petulant whining.  I could understand going on Oprah, ripping the head off her body to use a sock puppet and launching into some diatribe about boycotting South Park and/or Comedy Central on the grounds of being hateful towards all religion.  THAT would make sense.  A press release might have been nice.  But using your “power” (at the behest of your own puppeteers) to personally censor a show?  Fuck you, fuck you and, again, I say, fuck you.  If I have my way Mission Impossible 3: Ultra Butch grosses $20,000 on its opening weekend and you never work again.

So, I hope your Thetans did whatever they were supposed to do by pushing your tiny little frame around.  Perhaps they let you fuck the decaying remains of L. Ron Hubbard himself!  That would be a treat!  You’ve single-handedly saved Scientology from the ridicule of Comedy Central viewers!  No one will see this episode again!

Unless, of course they download it from any of the hundreds of sites that spring up each hour.  Here’s a list of a few possibilities.

Here’s hoping that this will put the final nail in the coffin of a career that should have ended ages ago.  I’m sure Scientology will love you when you’re poor and homeless.  If there’s anything else I can do to help speed it along, please let me know.


Paul Day

PS – And I don’t even like South Park.

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In Which I Post The Headlines

March 16th, 2006 No comments

It’s been a while, I know.

In a follow-up to a story from January 12th, lawyers for Gwen Stefani have requested information from to ascertain the identity of the blogger XX Ninth Grade Slut XX who, despite repeated cease and desist orders, continues to claim that Stefani is, indeed, a “Holla back girl”.  Stefani lawyer, Cecil Q. Queerington-Jameson the Fourth, released a statement that read, in part, “We would obviously like to avoid a court trail, but if this base and baseless slander continues we will have no other choice than to proceed.  Gwen Stefani is NOT and never has been a Holla Back Girl.  To assert otherwise is patently false.”  Queerington-Jameson the Fourth said that XX  Ninth Grade Slut XX has until March 17th to delete relevant posts and issue an apology.

Lee Hae Chan resigned as Prime Minister of South Korea after it was revealed that he went golfing rather than working to avoid a national railway strike.  Chan’s golfing partners included a businessman convicted of fixing flour prices and another businessman who picked up the sizable greens fees.  Chan also went golfing in 2005 during a wildfire crisis and again during a monsoon.  When asked for comment, White House Spokesweasal, Scott McClellan said, “What’s your point?”

In an earth-shaking step towards fulfilling the democracy forced upon them which left their country an embittered battle zone bordering on civil war, the 275-member Iraqi parliament was sworn in this afternoon…and left half an hour later.  Reporters looking for comment from members of the House and Senate were informed that, given the beautiful day, they were all out golfing with K Street lobbyists.

In a move that stymied most of the free world, Jessica Simpson turned down the chance of “face time” with George W. Bush to advance her favorite charity, Operation Smile, which provides facelifts to the less fortunate throughout the world.  When pressed for an explanation, Simpson said “I think it’ll serve my cause better if I could talk directly to the president.”

Melissa McGhee became the first of the final twelve to get voted off American Idol.  Said McGhee “It’s been a wild, exciting time but I’m looking forward to eating again”.

Katherine Harris, whose portrait, tucked away in a musty trailer in the Everglades, ages every time she has plastic surgery, announced that she would continue her bid for the GOP nomination for US Senator despite the misgivings of the state party.  “My daddy died and left me 10 million dollars and I’m buying this election come hell or high water!,” said Harris during a press conference.  In a side note, three reporters who dared glance into her eyes were immediately turned to stone.

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In Which It’s Been Nice Knowing You

March 16th, 2006 No comments



Freqently, when I start reading policy papers, I fall asleep after a couple of pages or my inner twelve-year old reminds me that I only have a few more days with that GameCube game I rented.  This is why, despite my best intentions, I’m pretty hacky when it comes to politics.  I just can’t focus no matter how much Adderall I swallow.  Yet our brand new National Security Stragey paper holds me spellbound.

From the opening paragraph

It is the policy of the United States to seek and support democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world.  In the world today, the fundamental character of regimes matters as much as the distribution of power among them.  The goal of our statecraft is to help create a world of democratic, well-governed states that can meet the needs of their citizens and conduct themselves responsibly in the international system.  This is the best way to provide enduring security for the American people. [Emphasis added]

It reads like a railroad (in both senses of the word) that says “well, you can sell us your land or we’ll take it.”

As I read, I keep thinking, “it can’t get any worse”.  And yet, it does.

Governments that honor their citizens’ dignity and desire for freedom tend to uphold responsible conduct toward other nations, while governments that brutalize their people also threaten the peace and stability of other nations.

Which is to say that “freedom fries” is a more than reasonable response to a country that disagrees with the doctrine of “first strike” against a sovereign state.  Brutalizing your own people = Bad.  Brutalizing a non-democracy = good.

And on it goes.

Effective democracies:

  • Honor and uphold basic human rights, including freedom of religion, conscience, speech, assembly, association, and press; (Including not joining the International Criminal Court as it may rule against you and voting against the UN Human Rights Council.)
  • Are responsive to their citizens, submitting to the will of the people, especially when people vote to change their government; (For instance, allowing someone who lost the popular vote to become President.)
  • Exercise effective sovereignty and maintain order within their own borders, protect independent and impartial systems of justice, punish crime, embrace the rule of law, and resist corruption (“Justice Alito?  It’s Jack Abramoff on the line.  He’s got a client interested in grabbing the land those now illegal abortion clinics are on to build a biochemical weapons lab on.  Shall I put him through?”); and
  • Limit the reach of government, protecting the institutions of civil society, including the family, religious communities, voluntary associations, private property, independent business, and a market economy. (“Hi, Mr. Abramoff.  Justice Alito will be right with you.  He’s just putting the final touches on the outlawing of gay people ruling.”)

You keep reading and pray that a winky smiley face will show up and make everything ok.  “JUST KIDDING!  This whole thing has been a puckish satire on the perception that America wants to bully the rest of the world into submission!  We don’t want to do that!  That would be CRAZY!  See, the whole thing is SUPPOSED to sound like a Soviet world-domination manifesto where you substitute ‘Democracy’ for ‘Communism’!  It’s like a Mad Lib!  Too subtle?”  But it doesn’t.

Democracy is the opposite of terrorist tyranny, which is why the terrorists denounce it and are willing to kill the innocent to stop it .  Democracy is based on empowerment , while the terrorists’ ideology is based on enslavement . Democracies expand the freedom of their citizens , while the terrorists seek to impose a single set of narrow beliefs .  Democracy sees individuals as equal in worth and dignity , having an inherent potential to create and to govern themselves . The terrorists see individuals as objects to be exploited, and then to be ruled and oppressed .

I could go on forever.  Long story short:  We’re invading Iran by July. And even though

Terrorism is not simply a result of hostility to U.S. policy in Iraq. The United States was attacked on September 11 and earlier, well before we toppled the Saddam Hussein regime. Moreover, countries that stayed out of the Iraq war have not been spared from terror attack.

bush will continue to not understand that throwing water on a grease fire doesn’t actually put the fire out.

Sorry.  I lied.  He does understand that.  I’ve said it before – hardcore born-again Christians actively work to book Jesus’ return trip to Earth.  By necessity, this entails the Earth’s destruction and we all die.  Unless, of course, you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior and God (or Jesus…I get so confused) lifts you up into Heaven during The Rapture

This administration feels it has nothing to lose.  Convert the world to DemoChristcy or destroy it.  Same difference.  The important thing is that Jesus wins.

(Cheap, ironic post-script:  This paradigm actually promotes the bush-Nazi paralell since both advocate the destruction of the Jews.)

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