The Boeing Company agreed to pay $72.5 million to settle a sex discrimination suit brought against airline maker by 17,960 current and former employees. While admitting no wrong-doing, a spokesman for Boeing said, “We’ve made great strides in our corporate culture. Management felt it was in the best interests of the company to give the bitches what they wanted so they’d shut up and get back to typing.”
While criticizing Mexico’s support for a free-trade zone, Hugo Chavez, the constantly amusing President of Venezuela, called President Vincente Fox a “puppy for the US Empire.” Mexico immediately demanded an apology to which Chavez replied “Nana nana boo boo. Stick your head in doo-doo.” In an update, Chavez has just called Poland a “gerbil of the US empire”, Israel a “goldfish of the US empire” and England “an alpaca with a mischievous grin of the US empire.”
In a surprise move, the ultra-Christian organization, The Promise Keepers voted failed Jordanian suicide bomber Sajida Mubarak al-Rishawi their Wife Of The Year for 2005. “If she weren’t Muslim, she’s just about everything we look for in a wife,” read the announcement praising her slavish devotion to her husband’s every whim. “This oughta be an inspiration to Christian wives all over the world,” the announcement concluded.
And now here’s another edition of News That Needs No Punchline – The infamous Alaskan “Bridges To Nowhere”, a 442 million dollar project meant to link two tiny islands to the mainland of Alaska got scrapped yesterday as Congress attempted to appear fiscally responsible. Not too worry, though, America! The entire $442 million dollars will still go to Alaskan transportation projects…including bridges that link two tiny islands to the mainland of Alaska.
Bob Woodward, feeling saddened at the thought of not being at the center of a presidential scandal, announced that he was the first person to be told of Valerie Plame’s identity as a CIA operative. “I totally, totally knew it first,” he said on the condition of anonymity. “This high ranking senior official that I can only refer to as ‘Seymour Butts 143’ told me about the whole thing. I swear to God.” Woodward then went on to say he knew the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny before all the other kids and figured out the end of The Crying Game five minutes into the movie.
The Miss America Pageant, suffering financial troubles and a serious lack of relevancy, moves from the whore laden streets of Atlantic City to the whore laden streets Las Vegas this year. Not surprisingly, the change of venue has slightly altered some of the competitions. Most notably, the “Why I Want To Be Miss America” portion will be answered while doing a pole dance. When reached for comment, a spokespersonwoman for National Organization for Women responded, “Are they still doing that? That’s cute!”
Television impresario, Ralph Edwards, died yesterday at the age of 92. Edwards, a name known only to those suffering from Alzheimer’s, pioneered both reality TV and Punk’d with such shows as Truth Or Consequences and This Is Your Life. As the co-creator of The People’s Court the 70’s, Edwards cemented his entry in the Hall of Fame in Hell.