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Archive for November, 2005

In Which I Post This Week’s Headlines

November 17th, 2005 No comments

The Boeing Company agreed to pay $72.5 million to settle a sex discrimination suit brought against airline maker by 17,960 current and former employees. While admitting no wrong-doing, a spokesman for Boeing said, “We’ve made great strides in our corporate culture. Management felt it was in the best interests of the company to give the bitches what they wanted so they’d shut up and get back to typing.”

While criticizing Mexico’s support for a free-trade zone, Hugo Chavez, the constantly amusing President of Venezuela, called President Vincente Fox a “puppy for the US Empire.” Mexico immediately demanded an apology to which Chavez replied “Nana nana boo boo. Stick your head in doo-doo.” In an update, Chavez has just called Poland a “gerbil of the US empire”, Israel a “goldfish of the US empire” and England “an alpaca with a mischievous grin of the US empire.”

In a surprise move, the ultra-Christian organization, The Promise Keepers voted failed Jordanian suicide bomber Sajida Mubarak al-Rishawi their Wife Of The Year for 2005. “If she weren’t Muslim, she’s just about everything we look for in a wife,” read the announcement praising her slavish devotion to her husband’s every whim. “This oughta be an inspiration to Christian wives all over the world,” the announcement concluded.

And now here’s another edition of News That Needs No Punchline – The infamous Alaskan “Bridges To Nowhere”, a 442 million dollar project meant to link two tiny islands to the mainland of Alaska got scrapped yesterday as Congress attempted to appear fiscally responsible. Not too worry, though, America! The entire $442 million dollars will still go to Alaskan transportation projects…including bridges that link two tiny islands to the mainland of Alaska.

Bob Woodward, feeling saddened at the thought of not being at the center of a presidential scandal, announced that he was the first person to be told of Valerie Plame’s identity as a CIA operative. “I totally, totally knew it first,” he said on the condition of anonymity. “This high ranking senior official that I can only refer to as ‘Seymour Butts 143’ told me about the whole thing. I swear to God.” Woodward then went on to say he knew the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny before all the other kids and figured out the end of The Crying Game five minutes into the movie.

The Miss America Pageant, suffering financial troubles and a serious lack of relevancy, moves from the whore laden streets of Atlantic City to the whore laden streets Las Vegas this year. Not surprisingly, the change of venue has slightly altered some of the competitions. Most notably, the “Why I Want To Be Miss America” portion will be answered while doing a pole dance. When reached for comment, a spokespersonwoman for National Organization for Women responded, “Are they still doing that? That’s cute!”

Television impresario, Ralph Edwards, died yesterday at the age of 92. Edwards, a name known only to those suffering from Alzheimer’s, pioneered both reality TV and Punk’d with such shows as Truth Or Consequences and This Is Your Life. As the co-creator of The People’s Court the 70’s, Edwards cemented his entry in the Hall of Fame in Hell.

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In Which There’s An Exciting New Forum

November 15th, 2005 No comments

Hello Blog Surfers!

I’m proud to announce the creation of the Best…Post…Ever forum, a forum dedicated to collecting…well…the best…posts…ever.

If you spend far too much time lost in the hypnotic maze of livejournal, blogger and myspace, you’ve no doubt run into more than a few posts that deserve a wider readership. Now there’s a place to post them and debate of the relative merits of them.

My favorite that I’ve run across is

I hate how people can never live up to their f**king promises…….like ever. Wheather its “Sure Ill call you about that job”, or “Yeah Ill email you”, or “Of coarse Ill buy you a riding jacket for your birthday,well maybe christmas,well actually why not valentines day….Easter?” Um, how about NEVER! How about Hey, youre just not worth it at all

That, to me, is the best…post…ever.

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In Which The Paramilitary Is Deep Disappointed In You

November 15th, 2005 No comments

Sandline International shows that you can be butch and passive aggresive at the same time.

On 16 April 2004 Sandline International announced the closure of the company’s operations.

The general lack of governmental support for Private Military Companies willing to help end armed conflicts in places like Africa, in the absence of effective international intervention, is the reason for this decision. Without such support the ability of Sandline to make a positive difference in countries where there is widespread brutality and genocidal behaviour is materially diminished.

No longer can this warm and caring company charge your government $1165/hr and $35,000/per soldier to discreetly lay waste to your opposition.

And it’s all your fault.

(I would love to see the billing statements, though.)

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In Which I Almost Forgot

November 14th, 2005 No comments

Dear Citizens Of Watertown Who Voted Against The Community Protection Act,

I’m glad that the CPA didn’t cut into your scratch card and Mass Millions budget! 57 bucks a year is 57 chances to win big!

Happy scratching!

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In Which Judy Miller Chitters

November 14th, 2005 No comments

On The Media’s Bob Garfield sits down with Judy Miller who wins the world’s record for going from zero to bitch and back again. And it still just doesn’t make any sense. Miller says that Libby wanted to talk as “a former Capitol Hill staffer” and Miller said sure, why not. HOWEVER, if she had printed what he told her she would have insisted on a more relevent attribution. So, she doesn’t care under what guise he gives her the information just so long as she doesn’t print it that way. But you don’t need to source gossip or a whisper campaign. Garfield does a nice job of holding her feet to the fire and letting her yelp with such lead-ins as, “Excuse the ‘do you still beat your wife question’…” and “Were you played for a chump by these sources?”.

That last question gets the McClellan-esque response

I think that the sources that I relied on were reliable. They had been reliable in the past. I’m not going to discuss who they were, though many of them were actually identified by name in my stories.

From a layman’s standpoint, this sounds like Miller non-answering the question for a specific purpose – like John Erlichman desperately trying not to say the name G. Gordon Libby in public. Or telling the audience to go fuck themselves.

My other favorite part comes when Garfield presses Miller about her seemingly unquestioning belief in what her sources told her. She starts a lovely spin-speech about how we should be focusing not on her role in legitimizing the war in Iraq but how US intelligence got it wrong. It’s really quite passionate and smart. Garfield agrees, rattling off a list of major events our government completely dropped the ball on (the Iranian revolution, the fall of the Berlin Wall) before bringing the hammer and asking why, given the shoddy state of intelligence, shouldn’t she have been more skeptical to being with?

Well, she says, I probably won’t trust them ever again.

Wow.

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In Which Jesus Writes An Email

November 13th, 2005 2 comments

From: Jesus@heaven.info
To: Pat@700club.com

Mr. Robertson,

Dad asked Me to write this for Him because, frankly, He’s a little P.O.’d at you. He’s tried writing you a couple of times only to end up just short of opting for destroying the studios of the 700 Club. How mad is He? Here’s some of the choicer openers

Shortly after you read this, Pat, the 700 Club will become the 699 Club 

and

Not sure which circle of Hell to send you to. Pls advise 

You get the picture.

Dad wants this sent before lunch, so let Me get to the point.

Cut the shit. Now.

We’re rapidly tiring of the whole “I speak for God” jag you’re on lately. As you no doubt understand, Dad’s a pretty hands-off kind of manager. He doesn’t target specific people or groups for punishment. The punishment comes after you get up here, as you’ll find out soon enough. He doesn’t make earthquakes happen because dot-heads don’t believe in Him. The CIA caused the AIDS pandemic and they certainly don’t take orders from Us. If We sanctioned the killing of heads of state, do you think Hitler would have gotten as far as he did? Most importantly, We don’t control the weather so saying that Dad brought about Katrina to punish the pro-life movement…what can I say but – cut the shit.

Now you’re going around talking trash about the folks in Dover, PA, USA

I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city.  And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there. 

Once upon a time, you did a great job for Us. You brought people in and made them understand the whole everlasting life after death concept. Then this pride thing started happening and you started telling people that We hated gays and vegetarians and people who drove foreign cars and whatever other nonsense popped into your head. And you know it’s not true! That’s the crazy part! Let me go over this one more time.

Dad created man with free will to choose his/her path in life. I know you disagree with that decision but, Pat, he’s God, so STFU, ok? If s/he choses to follow Me (or Dad…or both of Us – honestly, the whole Trinity deal still confuses Me) then, bingo, Eternal Life (TM). If not, Eternal Torment(TM) in Hell. Dad and I have a little joke between us that goes “what happens on Earth stays on Earth”. But We mean it. If everybody lived a sin-free life then I’d be just another working stiff making cabinets for the gentry. We don’t care what humans do down there. It saves Us time in paperwork and a whole lot of heartache and mental anguish (you think it’s fun sending people to Hell?) if they believe in Us before they get here, but it’s truly unimportant. You guys keep going on about the wicked, wicked world and how Man turns away from God, but you don’t get it. We’re sick of you preachers giving out bad information.

When I brought Mary Magdelene back for an encore with Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker, I felt certain the bottom would drop out of the Faith market and this dangerous born-again crap would be over. Instead, you circled the wagons and managed to keep the whole enterprise going. Which sucked for me because Dad found out and told Me to stop meddling. No angel food cake for a week! I’m never trusting Martin Luther again.

(Ok. Dad’s hungry so I gotta wrap up.)

You’ve got the free will that Dad gave you. We can’t make you stop acting like an idiot (well, that’s not strictly true, but We won’t) but there’s a BIG surprise waiting for you once you get up here if you don’t make some major changes and soon.

All right – time for a Fluffernutter sandwich.

J.

PS – One quick thing – STOP WITH THE OLD TESTAMENT REFERENCES! We didn’t change the whole paradigm for you and yours to go quoting Hebrew law. It’s Christianity not Hebrewanity.

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In Which I Post Last Thursday’s Headlines

November 12th, 2005 No comments

With the election over, millions of parents no longer fear having their children ripped from their arms and kissed by candidates. The elderly, too, breathed a sigh of relief. “If one more politician told me I reminded them of their grandmother, I was gonna punch him in the nuts,” complained 92-year old Tess McCauly. “I will miss all the free cocaine, though.”

As a service to our listeners, here’s a recap of the all local and
state elections.
Old Boss – 63%
New Boss – 38%
Force for actual change – 1%

In a stunning show of respect for decency and democratic principles, Vice President Cheney spent this week lobbying Senators to soften the anti-torture bill passed almost unanimously in the Senate. The Vice President?s presentation consisted of showing clips from ?Women in Chains? and ?Hit Me With Your Best Slut? and nudging the Senator?s saying ?That don?t look too bad, does it??

What seems like almost daily terrorist bombings in the Middle East has put the White House on the defensive about claiming the upper hand in the War on Terrorism. Pressed about this at a recent press conference, press spokesman Scott McClellan responded that ?we?ve always made a clear distinction between our war on terror and other countries? war on terror. If they can?t win their?s, well, that?s not our fault.? Shortly after that statement, McClellan was rushed to the hospital with what was later diagnosed as a severe truth withdrawal.

NASA plans to broadcast two songs from an upcoming concert by Sir Paul McCartney to astronauts on the space shuttle Discovery despite recent medical studies that show playing McCartney?s music in a small enclosed space frequently results in one or more deaths or suicides. On a related note, NASA announced that it received its first ever communication from an alien life form. The message read ? ?Anything but Paul McCartney?. When informed of the note, Yoko Ono refused to comment and looked inscrutable.

Voters in California made The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, their bitch by defeating the four ballot initiatives he went over the heads of the legislator to pass. Schwarzenegger?s popularity began tanking shortly after he took office when voters realized they would not be invited red carpet premieres as they had mistakenly assumed when voting for him. ?Dude,? said one representative voter, ?I mean, where are the flying cars n? stuff? Ya know? He totally sux.?

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In Which I Received My New Favorite Spam

November 11th, 2005 No comments

For the most part, my spam goes into the spam box. Occasionally I check on it and occasionally I find actual an email that got caught for some reason or another. This mostly happens on the web-side with Yahoo. Given that gmail lets you POP for free (at least for now – Yahoo used to let you POP for free years ago, too) I might drop Yahoo rather than plunk down the $29.99/yr that allows me to download my Yahoo mail. Swapping over your email address is a pain in the ass, though. Whatever.

I haven’t said it a while, but – what the hell do these spammers think while they type up their viagra/free sex/hot stock tip emails? I find it hard to believe that even a child born with fetal alcohol syndrome would want to buy some penis enhancing drug from someone who spells it “p en1$”. Plus, you would think that the inability to respond to an email offering you a .005% mortage casts suspicion on the legitimacy of the lender. Someone must be biting since it shows no sign of abating anytime soon.

Here, then, is the ulitmate example of how to get someone to buy your product.

re: i’ve had enugoh of yuor buhisllt

Hello,

A Genuine College Degree in 2 weeks C.a.l.l now!-> 1+206-202-2443

B/A, B/S/C, M/A, M/S/C, M/B/A, P/H/D,

Within 2 weeks! No Study Required! ,.1_0_0_% Veri.fiable!

The oppor.rtunity exists due to a legal loophole allowing some established colleges to award de.grees at their dis.cretion.

This little known sec,ret has been kept quiet for years.

Pday Start seeing how much better your life&carreer can be with few letters behind your name! 0 .risk. and no oblig_ation

For more infor.mation give us a call, You’ll thank me later.

C.a.l.l now! 1+206-202-2443

Sincerely,
Arthur Fountain

That’s Dr. Dr. Day, to you, Mr. Arthur Fountain.

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In Which We’re Winning The War On Terror

November 10th, 2005 No comments

And if the Middle East isn’t winning it, well, that’s thier problem. They know what they need to do, they just won’t do it. Kick the terrorists out. It’s really that simple. If they’d only set up democracies (and we’ve shortened the implementation time down to under two years) the terrorists will flee that country like the French from the Germans.

I really don’t know what thier waiting for.

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In Which….ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

November 9th, 2005 2 comments

FUCK NATALEE HOLLOWAY!

This country’s media deserves death for even thinking about some rich, dead white girl on Election Day let alone giving front page credence to her. And, yet, the Holloway-Twitty media machine rolls on managing to snag front page web headlines on CNN, Fox News and CBS News. Perhaps it’s a small mercy that each of the articles consists of a cut and paste job from the AP, but WHY FUCKING BOTHER.

Does the Holloway-Twitty industrial complex have pictures of Ted Turner in bed with boys? Do they keep the video of Roger Ailes and a llama in a secure box in Iron Mountian? I understand the Lindberg baby. I understand Patty Hearst. I can even understand Chandra Levy. But I cannot understand why the US media obesses about an anonymous 17-year old who died partying in Aruba. Or why the governor of the Alabama considers it a good use of his time to not only call for a boycott of Aruba but to insist that the entire US join in simply because a girl and her parents made some very bad choices.

My sense is this is all about guilt. How better to absolve yourself of the worst decision of your life then to become the world’s greatest mom? Beth Holloway-Twitty will not rest until her child’s murder is solved! She is so brave! So strong! So determined! With the caveat that all parents parent differently – Perhaps she might have used that strength, bravery and determination to invoke her parental power to say no to an adventure in Aruba where the adult to child ratio stood at 1:17. That, from my parent perspective, is a recipie for disaster. Unless, of course, you’re trying to make up for a divorce.

I really wanted to know how the Holloway-Twitty media empire grew to size it is so – hello, Google! Since the Adderall wore off shortly after I started, I got stuck at the Blogs For Natalee forum. It’s ironic that given the complaint that the Aruban police have not been transparent enough in the investigation that you have to register even to look at the forum. In the Holloway/Twitty Family Appearances section, you’ll note that on 11/8/05 there were six TV appearences with two on Fox and two on MSNBC. Not bad! As matter of fact, from 9/16, barely a day goes by when they don’t manage to hit one of the big three cable news outlets.

Naturally, I gravitated to the Beth, Ala. Gov. To Call for Aruba Boycott (VIDEO) 11/07/05 thread which I couldn’t help joining.

Me: This is a great lesson for the youth of America! One person [i]can[/i] make a difference! All you need is a well co-ordinated media campaign and the money to run it! If we can stop one person from going to Aruba then Natalee’s death was not in vain! [i]This is really the most pressing isssue in America today[/i]! I’m really grateful to Natalee’s family for using their power to make a real difference in this world! 

I was pretty sure that I’d get booted immediately, but someone replied

Are you being factecious or what?? Sarcastic or serious??….

Followed by 

the Whole U.S.should join the boycott

I posted the only logical response to something like that

The US? The World should boycott Aruba! We should figure out how to get a UN resolution condemning Aruba’s heinous behavior! That would be a great legacy! 

And yet, still, my account remains.

Perhpas more later.

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