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Archive for October, 2005

In Which I Post Podcast The Fourth

October 28th, 2005 No comments

Halloween should be scary, right? So why, then, do we put The Monster Mash on endless repeat? This podcast corrects this problem. Prepare to be horrified. From the unabashed racism of Johnny Rebel to an almost lovingly, non-judgmental ballad about John Wayne Gacy Jr., Podcast The Fourth puts the horror back into Halloween.

Podcast The Fourth – Making Halloween Horrifying

Johnny Rebel – Some Niggers Never Die
Clem Snide – The Ballad of David Icke
Joe Aufricht – Horny With A Chick

Arthur Godfrey – Slap ‘Er Down Again, Pa
Hasil Adkins – I Need Your Head
Unknown – Ha Ha The Clown

Unknown – Demonic Possession In Church
Jandek – You Painted Your Teeth
William Shatner – Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
The Blues Brothers – Guilty

Sufjan Stevens – John Wayne Gacy Jr.

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In Which I Give Harriet Miers A Little Help

October 27th, 2005 No comments

OOPS! Too late! I guess her “extraordinary legal experience” just didn’t cut it in the rough and tumble world of…um…the law.

I can’t quite remember which senator or pundit suggested that she could use a primer on constitution law, but I found one that she could get through in a couple of minutes.

Camp America’s THE CITIZEN’S INSTRUCTION MANUAL (CAPS ORIGINAL) by Gary Lindgren provides such a stirring account of the rules of the road that campers are encouraged to memorize and recite it. And, boy, doesn’t Gary make the document just jump off the page.

Amendment number one,
For the government is no fun
We the people can worship the Lord as we please.
We are guaranteed freedom of assembly and petition
Freedom of worship and religion
And freedom to think and write and to speak.

YESSSS!

And Gary did the Declaration, too.

“When in the Course of human events”
thus begins the Declaration of Independence
It can become necessary for
one people to separate from another
According to the Laws of God,
and God’s Laws of Nature

If Harriet started boning up now, perhaps she’ll be ready the next time she’s nominated.

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In Which It’s Almost Pointless How Far Behind I Am

October 24th, 2005 No comments

It’s almost like reverse addiction. Once you stop blogging it’s hard to not stop blogging. I think I remember a friend that went through this phenomenon. For a few months she just couldn’t do it.

Same here.

I AM working on a Holloween podcast through and plenty of other media related shiznit.

(Does anyone say “shiznit” anymore?)

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In Which I Post A Public Service Announcement

October 17th, 2005 4 comments

I’m trying to quit smoking again. Fuck.

According to several sources (including the New Republic), now deceased CJSCOTUS Wm. Rhenquist smoked two cigarettes a day. One when he got to the office and one when he left. First off, I hate people with appropriately wired brains that allow them to do anything in moderation. They suck. Secondly, twice a day the CJSCOTUS got high. Let’s not forget that.

Nicotine is a drug. I’ve really got to keep that in mind. I’m effectively smoking heroin. I rarely think of that because I don’t get high off it anymore. Put the smokes down for twelve hours, though, and light one up and the evidence becomes clear – you get high (albeit for only a short period of time). Your head becomes light. Your eyes do a little twirly thing and the world goes slightly dark. Your balance goes way the hell off to the point where you either fall or feel like falling. Then it goes away and you feel somewhat normal…except for wanting to smoke another cigarette.

Here’s the bitch, though – you won’t get the same buzz. You probably won’t get any buzz, unless you wait for awhile. Crack smokers, so I’m told, chase the buzz. Smoke more crack and you’ll find it, hopefully before you’re arrested or die. After that first nicotine buzz there’s no buzz to chase. Smoke all you want. Smoke three packs in quick sucession – you won’t get shit. After the first buzz, it’s all maintenance. You’re simply feeding the beast to stave off ripping someone’s head off. Witness my over the top screaming while listening to a slightly annoying voicemail this morning.

Theoretically, I can expect three days until the cravings end. HAH! I pretty sure whoever told me that lied through their teeth. We’ll see.

What I H-A-T-E is the shit that my sisters and I put my dad through to stop smoking. If only we’d left him alone I’d feel better ignoring the pleas of my kids.

GRRRR.

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In Which The Days Are Just Packed But Here’s Some Headlines

October 13th, 2005 No comments

Hbee Inc Radio tonight at 6pm on WMFO 91.5 in Boston or on the web at www.wmfo.org. Sketch comedy at 6:30!

On November 8th, Texans will vote on whether or not to ban gay marriage. Kelly Shackelford, a leader of a pro-amendment group called Texans for Marriage commented, “The majority of Texans believe marriage is between a man and a woman. The biggest issue we have is getting the word out.? With literacy rates low in Texas, the opposition relies heavily on TV advertising. A new commercial entitled ?Heather Has Two Mommies Rotting in Hell? spoofs the popular book which advocates tolerance for same sex couples. ?We think it gets the job done,? said a spokesman, ?We used the same advertising firm that successfully lobbied to reduce the penalties for incest in the state. So we?re pretty confident.? 

With a losing battle in Iraq, the collapse of FEMA, a Supreme Court pick despised by the party faithful and Osama bin Laden playing Xbox in a Saudi penthouse apartment, bush advisers looked to Bird Flu scare to bring his approval rating above the 40% mark. A source speaking on the condition of anonymity for the simple fact he was telling the truth told Hbee Inc Radio, ?The White House has searched high and low for something they haven?t screwed up yet. Karl Rove came up with the idea that you can?t screw something up that hasn?t happened yet. Most scientists believe that a bird flu pandemic won?t occur until well after the President is out of office. So, I think we?ve got a winner.?

Recently released documents from Harriet Miers, paint her as an effervescently supporter of President bush. A thank you card gushed “All I hear is how great you and Laura are doing,” and finished off, “Texas is blessed.” Another thank you card said, “Hopefully Jenna and Barbara recognize that their parents are ‘cool’ – as do the rest of us.”. Also released, a rental history from her local video store which shows her as renting ?Single White Female? with Bridget Fonda, 439 times and Fatal Attraction, starring Glenn Close, 781 times.

I swear I’ll get back in to the groove of this thing sooner or later.

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In Which I Post Podcast The Third

October 11th, 2005 No comments

Podcast The Third – Waxing and Wayne-ing. 

Sometimes music can help you achieve your goals. Maybe, with a little help, I’ll achieve mine!

Featuring Wayne Newton, Jan Wayne, The Eagle Bear Singers, Jay and the Americans, John Wayne, Cindy Stout, Hayzee Fantazee, The Cackle Sisters and the Alpine Yodelers.

PLUS – not one but TWO special guest stars!

Keep your fingers crossed!

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In Which New Evidence Has Been Unearthed

October 10th, 2005 No comments

AP – Palos de la Frontera, Spain – Newly unearthed documents show that Christoper Columbus’ 1492 expedition to discover the “New World” hit a last minute hitch when the explorer showed up at the dock wearing inappropriate clothing. The king and the queen nearly called off the voyage due to a new blouse one of the sailors recently purchased that featured the faces of the Isabelle and Ferdinand with the title “Prepare Thyself For An Audience With The F*ckers”, a parody on the title of a recent play by Lope de Vega. After refusing requests to remove the blouse, royal guards beheaded the sailor.

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In Which, As A Final Thought, I Post A Video Parable

October 9th, 2005 No comments

D-rob has some interesting feedback on the Meet the Fuckers bullshit controversy.

Sometimes you hang on to things and you just can’t figure out why. You tag them for deletion and yet something stays your hand from hitting the delete button. In cases like this, you can claim kismet, clairvoyance or some other such mystical shit. Mostly, though, it’s just packratty.

Here, then, is a video parable on the limits of the word “fuck” in public. These guys are liberal because, as Tim Z would say, they are fighting against the status quo.

God bless America

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In Which I Post A Quick “Fuck” Update

October 8th, 2005 No comments

Q: What does getting booted off an airplane for wearing a “Meet the Fuckers” t-shirt have to do with the struggle for civil rights in the 60’s?

A: EVERYTHING!

That’s right! How could I have been so stupid not to have seen the analogy? They’re both civil rights issues! Separate lunch counters for blacks is the exact same thing as a white woman getting in trouble for wearing a t-shirt with profanity on it!

I’m such a fucking idiot!

If Tim Z stops by to read this – Tim, I’ll give you your own blogspace on this blog since you haven’t figured out that blogspot is free. It’s a shame that you’re keeping your intellectual light under a bushel by doing the haloscan haunt. Really – it’s a valid offer. Email me

Note to the kids – Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’ll probably be a couple hundered years before we have a President with facial tattoos and piercings. You might want to think about that if you’re serious about working towards real change in the US.

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In Which I Say Fuck Off To Fuck Bush T-Shirts

October 7th, 2005 2 comments

Crooks and Liars links to the non-story of a woman kicked off a SouthWest Airline flight for wearing a t-shirt with pictures of bush and cheney bearing the title “Meet the Fuckers”. The shirt played off the title of the movie “Meet the Fockers”, which I’ve never seen mostly because if a movie bases it’s title on pretending to swear chances are that I won’t like it. The aggrieved woman plans to bring a civil rights suit against SouthWest.

Which is utter fucking bullshit.

A brief skim of the comments shows the depth of thought that people put into this kind of thing

I’ll tell you whats fucking offensive. 2000 of our brave soliders KILLED for a lie.

i find the words; war, republican, bush, cheney, newt, etc. to be offensive and lewd.

Welcome to BushWorld V 2.0.1984

boycott Southwest airlines, narrow minded, Bush supporting assholes

All of which is almost kind of cute in a I-just-heard-Dylan-for-the-first-time-and-realized-that-Maroon 5-actually-does-suck kind of way. But then you get to Mike who, when confronted by an opposing view from the same side, turns into…well…you supply the adjective-noun combonation

please don’t represent yourselves as Democrats or even liberals. It’s tough enough to win against the Republican machine (and machines) now, people like you just drag us down further.

So, let just revist the issue again – the woman wore a t-shirt onto a SouthWest plane that bore the phrase “Meet the Fuckers”.

Does a dislike of public profanity make me a Conservative Christofascist? Holy fuck! I had no idea! Here I thought I was all liberal ‘n shit when, unbeknownst to me, I was actually working for the man! Boy, do I feel stupid!

I take issue with the whole “Fuck Bush” crowd for two reasons.

The first relates to parenting. If you’re just stopping by, My kids are twelve and eight. (Let’s leave the gender out, because it doesn’t matter.) I harbor no illusions that they will not, one day, swear like sailors. I’m sure that they know all the words already and, despite my best efforts, heard many of them from me. As a parent, though, I’d rather not get called into school because one of my kids told a teacher to fuck off. I certainly don’t want to stand in a slow line at the supermarket with an eight year old proclaiming, “How fucking long is this motherfucking line gonna take, Dad?” Now, you might say that’s more of a question of manners than of language and you may be right. There’s the old joke of the woman whose husband sent her to charm school to learn how to reply “That’s nice” instead of “Fuck you”. But it starts with teaching kids to properly express themselves. You don’t loudly announce “that guy’s really, really fat”. Does that sound middle-class? Well, sorry. If you’re willing to come over and subject yourself to insults from my kids, then email me and we’ll talk.

The second point – I understand outrage. I understand that profanity helps get your outrage across. But if you’ve got a “Fuck Bush” bumper sticker on the back of your Mercedes – Fuck you. If you’re relying on a “Meet the Fuckers” t-shirt to get your political message out – you’re not helping. You’re playing into the stereotype of liberals as godless Communists with no sense of moral decency. Every Republican over sixty-five who entertains doubts about the “war on whatever” that chances across your cute little bumper sticker will stick with bush, prefering a well-mannered liar over a foul-mouthed alternative.

In short, keep your fucking bumper stickers tacked up next to your poster of that guy from Rage Against The Machine.

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