Denying charges of cronyism, Scott McClellan announced that the new undersecretary of FEMA is also the first American with Down?s Syndrome appointed to a cabinet level agency. McClellan said the appointment of Jeffy ?Dancer? Lincoln, the son of a vice president of Kellog, Brown and Rice, is meant to give other children with Down?s Syndrome a positive message that they can be just as effective as anyone else the government currently employs. McClellan described Lincoln as a ?former food service employee well acquainted with making quick and appropriate decisions.? Despite draconian restrictions on access to the new undersecretary, a reporter for Hbee Inc Radio tracked him down on his last day at Burger King. ?I?m a good boy,? said Lincoln, ?I like football. I like to dance.?
Karen Hughes, the undersecretary of state for public diplomacy, was rushed to a psychiatric ward in Jidda, Saudi Arabia after addressing several hundred abaya-wearing women at a local university. The appearance marked another stop on Hughes? tour of the Middle East meant to convert the natives to Americanisim. After an initially warm reception from the hand-picked audience, Hughes urged the women to ?fully participate in society? by demanding to vote and referred to driving a car as ?an important part of my freedom.? An audience member responded, “The general image of the Arab woman is that she isn’t happy. Well, we’re all pretty happy,? which was met by tumultuous applause. Unable to process a culture where women didn?t drive, Hughes gripped the podium and seemed to go into epileptic shock, rhythmically chanting, ?driving is freedom, driving is freedom? until guards pried her hands from the podium and took her offstage. Hughes is the third such victim of this phenomenon. The previous undersecretary, Margaret Tutwiler, lasted only five months on the job. Her doctors report that, as yet, she will still only mutter the words to America The Beautiful.
Japanese researches have captured for the first time on film, a giant squid in its natural habit. The researchers provoked the squid, found 600 miles offshore from Tokyo, into a attacking a remote underwater camera providing a wealth of information as to its habits. Tsunemi Kubodera and Kyoichi Mori described watching the squid as ?creepy?, ?spooky? and ?altogether ooky?. A spokesman for the United States Navy, Captain Ahab, commented, ?Arrrrrgh. At last I?ll be havin? th? chance to avenge me leg.?
CNN reports Beth Holloway Twitty accused the primary suspects in the disappearance of her daughter, Natalie, of lying to the television show, A Current Affair. ?He?s absolutely lying,? she told CBS?s Early Show and NBC?s Today Show. ?He told the police they had sex with her and he told A Current Affair he didn?t. He?s lying.? Senator Bill Frist, after watching vacation tapes of Natalie Holloway, announced that it was his medical opinion that she was not brain-dead and called for Senate Hearings on the matter.
Michael Brown, the future former ex-head of FEMA, testified before a before a bi-partisan committee of mostly Republicans yesterday convened to investigate who best to take the fall for the debacle of Hurricane Katrina. Showing a craven cowardice unrivaled since Daffy Duck tried to steal all of Ali Baba?s gold, he proceeded to blame all of FEMA?s failings on everyone except himself boldly insisting, like so many other pre-mature ejaculators before him, that he thought he?d done a ?pretty good job?. In a brief moment of introspection, he admitted that his one mistake was not realizing earlier that the state of Louisiana was ?dysfunctional.? The state of Louisiana issued a statement today that read, in part, ?this is why we hit Michael Brown. We don?t want to. But Michael Brown makes us hit him. It?s that tramp Texas and that whore Mississippi he always hangs around with. We?d kill him if we didn?t love him so much.? The statement went on to say that if Brown would stay home once in a while, the state of Louisiana wouldn?t drink so much and suggested that having another baby might solve all their problems.