Archive for July, 2005

In Which I’m Looking Through My Log

July 29th, 2005 3 comments

So, browser-wise, it looks like this.

MS Internet Explorer 63.4 %
Unknown 9.6 %
Opera 9.2 %
Firefox 5.8 %
Firebird 8235 5.3 %
Mozilla 2.3 %
Netscape 1.5 %
Safari 1 %
Links 0.6 %
Lotus Notes web client 0.5 %
Others 448 0.2 %

I’m curious to know (although not so curious that I’ll actually find out) what types of browsers register as “Unknown”. iCab, maybe? Perhaps the kids now devote their time to dreaming up roll-your-own browsers like they made crystal radio sets in the 30’s. Maybe they come up with clever names like “Firefucks” and “InYerNuts Explorer”. And .5% for Lotus Notes! (856 hits, to be exact) I have an ill-founded fondness for Lotus Notes having once advocated the use of it in the early nineties. And it worked out ok, but, boy it sucked getting it up and running. Good for Lotus, I say! And if you’re one of the people using it, drop me a line! hbeeinc _at_gmail_dot_com. I wonder if the email slurpers have already cracked the spelling-and-underscore method yet. Probably.

Also, 38 people added hbeeinc to their favorites in one form or another. Thanks! I’d like to french kiss everyone one of you in a platonic sort of way.

You’re always welcome, of course, to drop by the Dull and Useless Forum. It’s so dull that even I don’t post there. Anonymous posting allowed so you can really let loose without me knowing who it is until I trace your IP address. (Note to those who may or may not use medical nomeclature as nicknames: Unless you post via proxy, most websites know who you are. Just a tip.)

Also, think about browsing the rest of the site, too! You’ll find a couple of amusing little tidbits, my favorite being The Genius Of Bil Keene. This page proves that you don’t have to finish college to write like a pedant. A lesson for us all!

And here’s the operating system breakdown

Windows 84.7 %
Unknown 11.8 %
Macintosh 2.6 %
Linux 0.6 %
WebTV 0.1 %
AmigaOS 12 hits
FreeBSD 5 hits
BeOS 1 hit
Unknown Unix system 1

BeOS! That’s so cute! I played with that a decade ago, too! No big surprise that Windows wins (doh!). Macintosh even gets smacked around by roll-your-own operating systems like Penix, BoobsOs and FreeBDSM. The mystery of WebTV visitors finally dawned on me. These come from lonely bidnessmen stuck in a Holidy Inn surfing porn and tragically finding this site instead. “[Starlet’s Name] and cunt! Hot dawg! Lemme click on that link! Aw, hell. Mebee there’s some hookers in the bar.”

Anywho, that’s the brief wrap up. It looks like there will be no “This site has exceeded it’s bandwidth” message this month. Praise Al Gore!

(PS – Is it too gay for a guy to say “anywho”?)

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In Which I Pray To GOD This Is A Joke

July 29th, 2005 No comments

…but I’m not so sure.

Looking through my refering searches, someone found me by Googling “Who wrote the star banged banner”.

I’ve had it up to HERE with folks stopping by for celebrity porn. UP…TO…HERE!

Charitably, maybe some third grader got it wrong, the way some third graders do. Gladly, The Cross-Eyed Bear. ‘Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy. That kind of thing. But I somehow doubt it. More likely, some fucking ignorant, flag waving, fag hating, cross-burning, born-again Republican fresh out of the joint on a DUI charge got curious about that song they all-ays sing ‘fore th’ ball game. That one about the stars getting banged on the flag. All-ays chokes ‘im up to hear that song but ‘e don’t know much ’bout it.

Think I’m joking? I’m not. Yesterday on the way to the radio show, Micheal Medved did his usual Thursday “Disgreement Day” charade. This is a chance for you to call Medved on his bullshit and for him to dismiss you out of hand. (Note: Paraphrased but accurate)

Caller: I don’t know how Republicans wound up as the Values Party. There’s so much moral corruption in the Republican party. Closeted homosexuals. Criminals.

Medved: You’re point is?

Caller: (Slightly stunned) My point? My point is that how can you ask your wife to go to sex clubs at night and then banged the family values drum during the day?

Medved: Look, the Republican party is not rife with corruption. There are a couple of people that are unseemly, yes, just as with the Democratic party. But the bush administration – both bush administrations – thus far have been highly moral. No one’s gone to jail like they did in the Clinton adminsitration.

Caller: What about Cheney and the energy commission?

Medved: (Pissed) Oh, come on. The Supreme Court upheld his right to have secret meetings to get advice. There’s no crime there. None.

Caller: Michael, the GOA –

Medved: (Small snicker) You mean the GAO.

Caller: Yes, sorry. The GAO asked for information about the meetings to begin with. That’s a government –

Medved: Stop. (Pause) See, this is why people hate liberals. This is why people flock from you. You take these tiny, insignificant points and try to present them as Armegeddon. Nobody cares about the General Accounting Office. NOBODY. I doubt if but a couple hundred people in the United States even know what the GAO does. Look this whole thing happened a long time ago! Give it up! Stop rehashing these tired, boring non-issues!

So, Medved basically advocates that Americans don’t really need to know how the government works. The fact that the GAO, “commonly called the investigative arm of Congress or the congressional watchdog“, had enough questions about Cheney’s secret energy meetings with the scions of Big Energy to request an investigation means nothing. That’s a pretty Catholic stance from a Jew. “You don’t need to read the Bible. We’ll do it for you and tell you what it says. Trust us.”

So, the Star Banged Banner? Sure. Besides, if you correct people they’ll just start asking more questions.

Also, it’s worth recalling the Bill Hicks line about people telling him to stop talking about the Kennedy Assination.

“‘Give it up, Bill. It happened along time ago’. Ok. Tell you what. I’ll stop talking about the Kennedy Assination if you’ll stop talking to me about Jesus. Give it up! It happened a long time ago.”

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In Which I Might Make It Yet

July 27th, 2005 No comments

Well, two days running of double digit bandwidth rather than the triple digit I’ve been getting. I’m not quite sure what I did, but…good for me!

Watch me jinx it now.

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In Which I’m Kind Of All Over The Place

July 27th, 2005 2 comments

But maybe not for long…or at least not as much.

Star Market…or Shaws or whatever the hell they call it now has such poor cashiers that rather than hire competent workers they decided to install televisions at each of the checkout counters. And in the deli section. Well, thank god for that. I used to hate shopping because it meant turning off my television and missing commercials. It turned into a vicious circle – I couldn’t leave the house to buy the products recommended to me because I had to leave the house which meant I couldn’t watch television and find out what products to buy. I’m sure you feel the same way. But now…NOW I don’t have to miss a single sales pitch! I can watch them while I shop! Despite my grumbling sometimes, I really do think this is the greatest country on Earth. I just saw a commercial that told me this.

Two days ago, since my wife had a business dinner, we had Daddy Dinner, which means pancakes and bacon. It’s not always pancakes and bacon, it’s just usually something nutritionally unbalanced or just plain crap acommpanied by me saying – “Do you think maybe we should have at least one carrot?” and then discarding that thought. I left the bacon grease on the stove during the next day. It’s so hot in Boston the grease never fully congealed. When I emptied the pan it all just slid seamlessly into the carton. That’s how hot it is.

One of the little talked about pleasures of summer is walking into a chilly convenience store and buying a bag of Doritos then walking outside and opening it up. Once opened, you can still feel the effect of the air conditioning inside the bag drifting around your fingers. Even the chips stay cool for a minute or so.

All this is to say that, with luck, I’ll walk out of my doctor’s office with a prescription for Adderall tomorrow. If that happens, I’ll be able to sit in one place long enough to finish the post about National Lampoon I’ve been working on for a while.

Or not.

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In Which Verbiage Is Crucial

July 24th, 2005 No comments

I can't make it out either

Given that my wife refuses to allow me to upgrade my phone every time the technology improves, this picture sucks. (Brief parenthetical tanget – When camera phones first made the scene, I thought “who the fuck would want to take little tiny pictures with their phones and spend money to send them to other people or upload them to the web?” Yes, I had a brief forray into it, but then I got the bill. I do use the Timer function onstage. The calculator’s come in handy a few times. I used the Stopwatch function this afternoon when my daughter wanted to know how fast she could run the bases at the baseball field.)

Rather than make you guess, the sign says “Non employees may not solicit or distribute material” and lives on the door of the Baybank, BankBoston, Bank of America in Watertown Sq. I rarely use Baybank, BankBoston, Bank of America. We switched to Watertown Savings years ago. The only compelling reason to go there is for this exchange

Me: Hi, I’d like to cash this check.
Teller: Ok. It’s a Bank of America check, so that’s fine. Do you have an account with us?
Me: No.
Teller: Ok. We’ve got a great range of checking and savings account options here. Would you be interested in opening one up?
Me: Nope.
Teller: Oh. May I ask why? We offer a really great range of products and services.
Me: Because you’ll get bought out in another 6-9 months like you always do.
Teller: (Either smiles ruefully, deflates or continues to push)

So the sign makes sense – only tellers and their ilk can hawk wares inside the bank. But I’m curious as to the limitations on what they’re allowed to solict.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cash this check.
Teller: Ok. It’s a Bank of America check, so that’s fine. Do you have an account with us?
Me: No.
Teller: Ok. Can I interest you in a blow job?


Me: Hi, I’d like to cash this check.
Teller: Ok. It’s a Bank of America check, so that’s fine. Do you have an account with us?
Me: No.
Teller: Ok. I’d like to give you this pamphlet that explains why all people on the earth who do not accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior will perish in the eternal agony of Hell. Would you like that in all twenties?

Perhaps they might even sell you paintings based on the movie Scarface.

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In Which I’m Not Sure I’ll Make It

July 22nd, 2005 1 comment

Well, the spammers might win this month. I’ve banned IP addresses. I’ve tried to tweak my .htaccess file and still they come…knitting…knitting.

To make a long post short, the site might go offline for a few days for going over its bandwidth. I’m not gonna keep adding it just to get it eaten up. It’d be one thing if there was a good reason for going through an average of 133mb a day. But 41 downloads of the 11mb podcast don’t account for the 3.4gb this month. Would that it did. I only wish I knew why they found this site so attractive. Is this abundance of profanity? “Fuck the baby sitter” still gets an awful lot of refering searches and probably a lot of cursing when the pedophile bastard realize there’s nothing to jerk off to here. Great. If I don’t edit that last “jerk off” out the bots will really hammer me.

Perhaps I oughta consider moving from b2evolution.

Anywho – if you happen to have an .htaccess file that protects you or you’re outstandingly happy with your blogging software’s ability to block these bastards out – let me know.

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In Which We’re Not Orange But Orange PLUS!

July 22nd, 2005 No comments

Photo op (n)- 1) a carefully planned human event that results in a memorable and effective photograph
(From Wikipedia)

2) The appearance that something is actually being done

BOSTON –Gov. Mitt Romney cut short a trip to Washington on Thursday, then spent some time squeezing into a downtown subway car to show residents he still has faith in the safety of the public transportation system.

Soon after returning to Massachusetts, Romney headed to the hub of Boston’s transit system, jockeying with commuters for space on the Red Line subway — taking it one block from the Park Street station to Downtown Crossing.

“I’m occasionally asked whether I feel safe on the T. The answer is absolutely,” he said before getting on a train.

His abrupt departure to take, for him, an unusual trip on public transit came within hours of another series of explosions in London. The small explosions struck London’s subway and a bus, two weeks after the July 7 bombings that killed 56 people and injured hundreds.

Since those bombings, security for mass transit in several large U.S. cities — including Boston — has been elevated. In Massachusetts, the increased security level to “orange plus” has meant a more visible police presence with beefed up patrols of platforms, trains and stations.

Jesus fucking christ.

Perhaps I’m thinking too pre-9/11 here, but what good does it do to elevate “terror alert” level in the US simply because another part of the globe got bombed? Al Qaida (or however the hell you spell, except I am POSITIVE it’s not spelled “Al Kita”) already proved that it favors nicely timed bombings for the maximum effect. So by the time you yanked the cops off their work details and located the geek who knows how to increase the number of “check for unknown packages” messages into the system, the bomb would have already gone off. Am I missing a logical step here?

Sadly, some people might actually take comfort in the fact that a multi-millionaire might take time out of his pre-presidential explorations and deign to step among the great unwashed and on to a subway car. “Ya see Ambuh! Da guhvaner tinks iz okay! We’re safe!” No pictures, though, of the State Troopers (who got pulled off subway duty) whisking Mitt away to a decontamination area below the State House to scrub the taint of common folk off him. (I’m all parenthesis tonight – I once heard Mitt on some AM radio show say (and I’m quoting to the best of my remembrance) “I think it’s GREAT that the caller is willing to work three jobs to support his family!” The caller, though, was not pleased)

This brings us to the wingnuts who never miss a chance to re-iterate that the only way to stay in power is to rule by fear. They look at the London bombings and use it not as a vindication of absconding with the rights of American citizens to make the US safer. No, no. That would mean that America was…safe and that, apparently, is a bad thing. They see the London bombings as further proof that IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN HERE SOON!!! Really soon. Tomorrow, maybe. That’s why we need to support bush in the White House. So he can keep us feeling…unsafe. Even the wingnut talk show hosts don’t think that bush is doing enough. That’s why they put up lawn chairs on the Mexican border to stop the flood of terrorists from Mexico. Never mind that the Mexican border has 9600 guards and the Canadian border has 1000. Cargo ships to the US are still, for the most part, not checked. And –

A week after the London subway bombings, senators rejected amendments that would have increased rail security funding by amounts ranging from $100 million to $1.5 billion.

The bill for fiscal 2006 allots $100 million for transit programs, a $50 million cut from this year.

Feel safe?

How about this from the same article?

The Senate revamped how the government should award homeland security grants, saying funds should be targeted to high-threat areas, including the nation’s largest cities.

The new formula would ensure each state receive a guaranteed 0.55 percent of homeland security grant dollars, with the remaining funds awarded to regions determined most at risk or most vulnerable. Current law provides that states receive at least 0.75 percent of the funds.

Supporters of the change said the government should spend money where it is most needed, in urban areas most susceptible to a terrorist attack.

Rural state senators said the formula change would shortchange their first responders.

The amendment was touted as a compromise between urban and rural states. The House has formed a bill that would further scale back guaranteed state funding.

Washington realizes that it would just cost too much money for America to be safe so they might as well give the folks in Buttfuck, Alabama a buttload of Homeland Security money and give the appearance of safety.

And America is ok with that. Really. We’re fine. As long as we feel safe, actual safety is not an issue. Mitt jumping on a train is more cost effective and increasing funding for insuring the safety of the transit system, so let’s go with that.

What do we need reality for? Americans hate reality. That’s why we call it the American Dream. The American Reality sucks. Even our reality shows aren’t real. I know someone who was on a reality show. “They made it look like all we did was sit around and cry. We really laughed a lot. But it didn’t fit into how they wanted the show to play out.” When was the last time you heard someone say “I saw this great documentary on…”? (My answer – today on a friend’s blog).

The bush administration knows this, as Ron Suskind of the satanic NYT found out (Warning – PDF link. Quote on p.7)

The aide said that guys like me were “in what we call the reality-based community,” which he defined as people who “believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.” I nodded and murmured something about enlightenment principles and empiricism. He cut me off. “That’s not the way the world really works anymore,” he continued. “We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality — judiciously, as you will — we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.”

This article appeared on 10/17/04. America chose a psychopath over a couple thousand married gay people.

Reality sucks.

(Note – To hear an account of just how great the War on Terror is going, listen to The Arms Trader from This American Life. It’s the story of how a 70 year old Indian-born Willy Loman became a convicted Al Qaida operative with an awful lot of help from a known liar and the FBI. After a year of failing to find a missile to sell, the US and Russia provided him with one and delivered it to the hotel for him to make the sale. This guy’s conviction is held up as one of the shining points of the War on Terror.)

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In Which My Absence Is Explained

July 20th, 2005 2 comments

I’m reading Harry Potter, which, thus far, is as good as the others. Mock, if you will. I never really wanted to get sucked into the series, but I am and that’s that.

On a side note, how interesting that the new Supreme Court nominee somehow knocked Karl Rove off the front page. Let’s hope and pray that, for once, the media doesn’t get all A.D.D. and drop this story. I don’t have much hope, though.

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In Which It’s Almost Amusing

July 15th, 2005 No comments

The one thing you notice is how many phones they have. Four in the room with the computer of which only works. For every phone in the house there sits a minimum of one phone in close proximity that doesn’t work. They are on a dial-up line on a seven year old computer and, for the life of them, can’t understand why it’s so slow and why I keep telling them that they should just buy a new one. Next to the computer I’m working, of course, is a broken computer.

Is this an Iranian thing, because it sounds like OCD hording to me.

A couple of months ago, I convinced them to swtich to DSL. She has a semi-attached office next to the house. To save money, she had Verizon put the DSL line into the office. It took some time to explain that, unless they wanted to go wireless, the DSL had to be next to the computer. They could, I suggested, string a very long phone cord from the office and through a window. She considered this and, thankfully, rejected the plan. They went out and bought a wireless router and, tonight I went out to install it.

I took the DSL modem out to the office and found the phones. Yes – phones. Two of them. “The batteries for the phone are dead in one of them but the other phone works. I used the one with the dead batteries as an answering machine.” And why wouldn’t you?

We walked next door and went upstairs to the computer room.

“Oh,” she piped, “let me show you something I just got!”

She reached into a Radio Shack bag and pulled out…a combination mouse pad and…PHONE!

“It’s a mouse pad with a phone built into it. It’s not just a phone. It’s a speaker phone!”

I tried so hard not to laugh. I only managed to negate a loud, rude barking laugh into a quieter, sniffle laugh.

“Why are you laughing,” she asked sounding pleasantly bemused.


Instead, I started off, “There’s a comedian that’s says if you put two things together that have never been put together before….” Fortunately, I trailed off before I got to the “…some shmuck will buy it” part.

Rotund Iranian dad sat on the floor behind me in his pajama bottoms and undershirt with a large rip in the armpit and just watched while scrawny 13-year old Iranian son bounced in and out of the room relaying the play by play of Sox/Yankees game and whined about the computer.

“Fix it so I can play my gaaaaaaame,” he whinged.

“Fuck off, you little bastard,” I muttered under my breath. This is a kid who, without his parents knowledge or consent used a fake name to sign up for AOL and then crashed the computer with a variety of spyware and viruses. When I had told his parents about this, they shook their heads in wonder and, it seemed, admiration. My kids would have had their computer privileges taken away for a week, at least.

“This is not a computer to play games on,” his father said, sounding almost like he meant it.

“But I waaaaaaanna play my baaaaaaaaseball gaaaaaaaaame!”

“No,” his father said, voice ringing with faux-annoyance, “I don’t want you spending all your time in front of the computer playing games. That’s why I bought you that Playstation 2. You have all the games you want for that. Play those.”

I successfully turned my barking laugh into a sneeze.

“God bless you,” the father said.

“But I waaaaaaanna play my baaaaaaaaseball gaaaaaaaaame!”

“No. This computer is for your schoolwork and for doing research on reports. You should not run the computer for to long. It becomes hot and that is not good for computers. Especially in the summertime. I don’t want you on this computer for more the thirty minutes a day.”

“Is that what a Sony computer is for,” the kid and it wasn’t clear if he sounded snotty or naive.

“You’re both fucking idiots,” I thought.

“Go check on your mother and see if she needs anything, a glass of water, maybe”, Iranian dad told him.

“No,” his spawn spat, “if she needs something she’ll ask.”

There’s no good wrap up to this. I’m too tired to look for one.

They pay cash.

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In Which Scott Sounds Better With Background Music

July 14th, 2005 No comments

Best…Press Conference…EVER

(PS. Work In Progress. Upadated.)

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