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Archive for May, 2005

In Which The Caller Doesn’t Realize She Nailed It

May 31st, 2005 No comments

Dennis Prager tells us that he feels that it’s his gift to the country to broadcast live on national holidays and so he solicited stories of soldiers who died in America’s “wars of liberation”. He hopes the phrase “wars of liberation” catches on because he believes that every war America fights is a “war of liberation”. I guess that includes liberating the Mexicans and Indians from their land and the Vietnamese from…um…something.

Anywho, just to break things up he took a call from a very nice woman who

just returned from the VA hospital and I want to encourage everyone listening to your show to stop by a VA hospital today and visit with the soldiers there. And bring a little treat of some kind. And make something without sugar for those who can’t handle sugar. They don’t get many visitors there and, you know, the food isn’t all that good in the VA hospital and they almost never get treats, so that would be a nice thing to do on this Memorial Day.¬†

Dennis wholeheartedly agreed.

He declined to comment, however, on the gist of what the woman said. Given the fact that wingnuts accuse liberals of not supporting the troops, you’d think that they’d put a lot of effort into making sure our soldiers get the proper care and respect they deserve. They don’t. Here’s lovely little Salon.com article about Walter Reed Hospital

Most patients at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington have a lot on their minds: the war they just fought, the injuries they came home with, the future that lies ahead. The last thing a wounded soldier needs to worry about is where the next meal is coming from. But for hundreds of Walter Reed patients, that’s a real concern. Starting this month, the Army has started making some wounded soldiers pay for the food they eat at the hospital¬†

So, as WTTT frequently says, when you see a veteran, thank them for their service. And then apologize that the bush adminstration makes them pay for their food.

On a different note – While watching the Watertown Memorial Day parade, I heard a brand new military marching band tune. The Theme From Hogan’s Heroes.

Who knew?

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In Which The Board Is Dead…Again

May 31st, 2005 No comments

Proof

I find memorizing material a particularly challenging part of stand-up (with a hyphen). Do you have any particular “memorable” tips or techniques to share? This is my first post.

As moderator of the board, I tend to keep my opinions confined to this blog. Occasionally, I slam people (hi, Arik) directly, but it’s seems proper to keep editorial opinion separate.

Anyone who posted to this thread should be killed. The board is not and should not be a support group for open mikers to swap tips about how to be an open miker. You can’t memorize your act? GET THE FUCK OUT OF COMEDY. That’s like saying

I’d like to be a dominatrix but I flinch when I cause people pain. Any tips on that?

or

I’d like to be a chef but I get mixed up between teaspoon and tablespoon. Thoughts?

Why, yes – FIND ANOTHER PROFESSION. If your jokes are so unmemorable that even you can’t memorize them – that’s a problem. If you’re writing your set on the back of your hand or referring to your notebook, you’re fucking lazy. If your expirience includes bombing at the All-Asia, you shouldn’t be giving advice.

Do I have any rights to make these judgments? Probably not. But I know my shit when I’m onstage. And it’s not fucking rocket science to figure out how to memorize something. Especially, if you wrote it.

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In Which It’s Probably A Sign

May 26th, 2005 No comments

The bestest, snottiest thing I’ve written in a long time got eaten last night. Gleefully, I hit the post button just before I went to bed and when I woke up – nothing. The page timed out.

Grrrr.

Or not grrrr.

I’m reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with my youngest daughter for the second time. Every time Dumbledore shows up, I’m completely impressed. When Dolores Umbridge interuptes him and powers her way into a speech, he sits down and looks at her as if “he wanted nothing more than to hear her speak”. How lovely would that be?! To let assholes be assholes and not to feel compelled to call them on it. To not let your focus get shifted by things that don’t really matter. Really – did I need to stay up an extra half hour just to piss somebody off? In that time, I could have gotten through a cut scene in Paper Mario and found out where the sixth star is located. Or…ummm…written something that I could have sold for money.

Really. Priorities, huh?

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In Which Perhaps That’s The Point

May 25th, 2005 No comments

No one probably knows what I’m talking about or even cares, but I’ve just deleted 2000+ referers from various fake blogspot.com addresses. I won’t bother to go into the names, since it would only get into google and all hell would break loose, but it ranged from sports teams to diseases to contruction to various wars.

WTF???

With other spam sites, you can simply block the IP address or ban the keyword du jour (usually the names of certain drugs for wealthy, elderly gentlemen that remarried 20yr olds). But blogspot.com. You just can’t ban that domain. I’ve got a couple of legitimate links from there.

I truly wonder, since I’m all conspiracy theory, if some other blog site wants to discredit blogspot. I know I’m pretty pissed off with all the porn spam I get from them.

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In Which It’s Killing Me Not To Be A Dick

May 23rd, 2005 1 comment

When someone you despise self-destructs do you

a) Sagely remain silent, secure in the knowledge that you saw it coming
b) Dig into the basement full of salt you saved for the occasion and start rubbing vigorously
c) Attempt explain in a helpful and balanced way the mistakes the person made
d) Let loose one piquant snark and watch the fireworks begin

Oh, I’m conflicted! So conflicted!

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In Which I Present A Totally Unfounded Theory That Has Probably Been Well Documented Elsewhere

May 23rd, 2005 1 comment

It’s always 1am when the good ideas hit. That brilliant plot that you’ve just thought up. The poem that breaks your heart. The reason that people insist on using the left fucking lane for travel instead of passing. Whatever the reason, the idea pops into your head and you just don’t have the wherewithal to follow it through.

So.

Given that bush’s war record turned into Rathergate and given that Newsweeks story threatens to turn into Flushgate – isn’t it possible that Karl “Plankton” Rove and those who report to him but have no demonstrable link to him are engaging in the types of pysop that make the Manchurian Candidate seem quaint?

All MSM (Mainstream Media, for those who don’t bone up on the latest acronyms) does not swing to the left, but they thrive the chance to fuck over the dominant power. Frank Rich points out that Michael Isikoff previously spearheaded the Lewinsky scandal which one would assume had no liberal bias behind it. He just wanted to sniff Bob Woodward’s underwear.

So, given that pride and egoism drive MSM (and lots of other endeavors as well) any bone thrown to MSM gets chomped on. And if that bone turns out to be plastic and breaks easily…well…OOPS…it’s not the fault of the bone-thrower but that mongrel that bit it. Not a bad scam, if you ask me.

[/babbling]

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In Which I Offer Proof The Post Office Colludes With Satan

May 20th, 2005 1 comment

Once, you bought a book of twenty 37cent stamps for $7.40.

Today, you buy a book of eighteen 37cent stamps for…

$6.66

You tell me Satan isn’t behind this!

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In Which Someone Was A Quick Little Bunny

May 19th, 2005 1 comment

Oh, my.

Even while I wrote that last post, some desperate reader searched the blog (meaning, internally searched, as opposed to Googled) for the phrase “blow job”.

I hope I’m not being stalked.

Oh, and Lime Coke tastes far too much like gin to me.

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In Which It’s Perhaps Not As Simple As They Would Have You Believe

May 19th, 2005 No comments

I used to do a joke talking about Real Simple magazine and how my wife collected so many of them that we had to hire contractors to expland our house just to house the archives. The best way, of course, to simplify your life is not to buy the magazine in the first place.

The joke went on to talk about how “women’s magazines” exist only to make women feel badly about the things they’re doing poorly. The better magazine would be supportive. Instead of articles like “150 Recipies You’re Too Lazy To Have Tried Yet” there would be articles like “Why Mess With Success? – Your Family LIKES Your Cooking!” Instead of “69 Ways To Please Your Man”, how about “Blow Jobs? Why Start Now?” (For some reason, my wife liked that one.)

I bring this up because of this month’s Real Simple (which my wife fell out of love with three months into the subscription). The cover, so pink and pretty and tranquil, gives you hints to streamline your schedule, subtly get your husband to cook more and offers some real swell products that your home simply canNOT do without.

And on the back cover?

An advertisment for Hummers.

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In Which I Am A Poor Planner

May 19th, 2005 No comments

If I had been a good planner, I would have told you a day or two ago that Hbee Inc Radio returns to the airwaves and ethernet today. If I refilled my prescription for Adderall, the way that I’ve meant to for the past several months, I would have alerted the readership in a timely manner. Instead, I defragged my hard drive, folded laundry and obessed as to whether I would have enough time to work on my 48-pack abs.

Even now, I’m wondering if there’s other thing to get done and feeling guilty about not doing them.

Hm. The kitchen could use a little tidying.

And what’s that spot on the bookcase.

No. I won’t check it out just yet.

Maybe.

The upshot is that today, Thursday, May 19th from 6pm Eastern Daylight Time until 8pm, Hbee Inc Radio will grace the airwaves with a confusing mix of freeform the likes of which I can pretty much guarentee you’ve never heard before.

Listen in at http://webcast.wmfo.org, providing, of course, that the webstream is working.

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