I found out that the best way to boost your business involves letting your clients know that you’re going away for a few days. They come crawling out of the woodwork. Add to that, a show on Friday and a 5:30am wake up call for a plane flight on Saturday….I’m sorry. This is all horribly dull, isn’t it. You’re looking for something more provocative like “Terri Schiavo, the Pope and Mitch Hedberg all meet at the gates of Heaven” kind of thing. Well, you can write your own joke for that! Really. Fuck you all.
Oh, my. That came out badly. I didn’t mean that. Really. Come back! Keep reading! It’ll be a great post! I’m going to liveblog the fact that I can barely keep a coherent thought in my head right now and that I’ll probably forget to ran the dryer a second time so my clothes will be wet and I’ll be behind for packing in the 23 minutes I’ll have between a job tomorrow morning, picking up my new glasses, getting my daughters from school and going to Blockbuster for a movie because I didn’t have my shit together to put the movies from Netflix into the mailbox last Sunday.
See? It’s getting better already, right? No? How about if I obsess over which electronics to bring on the plane? Videocamera, laptop, cellphone, iPod, digital still camera – two bags only and I’ve got to take every single one of them out and prove to the Government that I’m not trying to blow up the plane and everybody standing in line behind me will hate me for holding up the line and the screener will get so agitated and pissed off that he’ll let the real terrorist through because I pushed him over the edge when I tell him that I needed to bring a portable CD player too because I didn’t have time to rip the six CDs of the Famous Romans lectures and put them on my iPod because I forgot to run the dryer a second time.
Hmmm. I feel like I’m losing you. You hate me now, don’t you. That’s ok. The plane’s getting hijacked anyway and flown into the Bellagio as a statement and warning about the dangers of Western Art and Culture. I just hope I don’t survive because then I’d wind up doing stupidly dangerous things and maybe even leave my wife for Rosie Perez like Jeff Bridges did in Fearless. (Is it me or does Isabella Rosselini leave you cold, too?)
I did it again, didn’t I? You probably think that Isabella Rosellini kicks cinematic ass and that Rosie Perez is all wrong for me, especially since I’m usually more attracted to smaller breasted women.
You’re right. Of course, you’re right. You’re 137 different kinds of right.
Was it wrong to drink a half bottle of Coke at 10 this evening?