Archive

Archive for March, 2005

In Which I’m Exhausted And Whiny

March 31st, 2005 1 comment

I found out that the best way to boost your business involves letting your clients know that you’re going away for a few days. They come crawling out of the woodwork. Add to that, a show on Friday and a 5:30am wake up call for a plane flight on Saturday….I’m sorry. This is all horribly dull, isn’t it. You’re looking for something more provocative like “Terri Schiavo, the Pope and Mitch Hedberg all meet at the gates of Heaven” kind of thing. Well, you can write your own joke for that! Really. Fuck you all.

Oh, my. That came out badly. I didn’t mean that. Really. Come back! Keep reading! It’ll be a great post! I’m going to liveblog the fact that I can barely keep a coherent thought in my head right now and that I’ll probably forget to ran the dryer a second time so my clothes will be wet and I’ll be behind for packing in the 23 minutes I’ll have between a job tomorrow morning, picking up my new glasses, getting my daughters from school and going to Blockbuster for a movie because I didn’t have my shit together to put the movies from Netflix into the mailbox last Sunday.

See? It’s getting better already, right? No? How about if I obsess over which electronics to bring on the plane? Videocamera, laptop, cellphone, iPod, digital still camera – two bags only and I’ve got to take every single one of them out and prove to the Government that I’m not trying to blow up the plane and everybody standing in line behind me will hate me for holding up the line and the screener will get so agitated and pissed off that he’ll let the real terrorist through because I pushed him over the edge when I tell him that I needed to bring a portable CD player too because I didn’t have time to rip the six CDs of the Famous Romans lectures and put them on my iPod because I forgot to run the dryer a second time.

Hmmm. I feel like I’m losing you. You hate me now, don’t you. That’s ok. The plane’s getting hijacked anyway and flown into the Bellagio as a statement and warning about the dangers of Western Art and Culture. I just hope I don’t survive because then I’d wind up doing stupidly dangerous things and maybe even leave my wife for Rosie Perez like Jeff Bridges did in Fearless. (Is it me or does Isabella Rosselini leave you cold, too?)

I did it again, didn’t I? You probably think that Isabella Rosellini kicks cinematic ass and that Rosie Perez is all wrong for me, especially since I’m usually more attracted to smaller breasted women.

You’re right. Of course, you’re right. You’re 137 different kinds of right.

Was it wrong to drink a half bottle of Coke at 10 this evening?

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Never Actually Promised

March 30th, 2005 No comments

Hey kids! Remember during the 2004 election when protesters stormed bush-cheney headquaters and did some damage? Remebmer how Republicans quickly condemned every member of the Democratic party as culpabable? Remember how wingnut radio held this up as the penultimate example of the evils of liberalism? “Violent facsists!”, they cried. “Hypocrites!” “Is this what liberals mean by tolerence of the views of others?!”, they crowed.

While I honestly hope that nothing bad happens, I’m ready to pounce if one of these deluded wingnuts follows through on the increasing number of death threats against the Schiavo family. Why can’t these Republicans control their people?! And why is it that Christians quickly turn Old Testament to rationalize violence? The “culture of death”?

Snark, snark, snark.

Also (and I’m just passing this along, mind you) Firefox users can download an extension that keeps you updated on Terri’s status. Stay out of Philly on the day she dies.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which Al Gore Invented The Internet For Just This Reason

March 29th, 2005 No comments

The Old Negro Space Program – A Film Not by Ken Burns

Via Kung Fu Monkey

(Yes. Kung Fu Monkey. Not Benari Poulten. But Kung Fu Monkey. Kung Fu Monkey – Yes. Benari Poulten – No.)

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I’ve Got Some Extra Bandwidth

March 29th, 2005 No comments

Last year, due to an ignorance of the effects of referer spam (where some scum bag falsely references your site to increase the visibility of their own poker/porno/pharmecutical site) and a picture I posted to DailyKos, my bandwidth (the amount of traffic Spooky Media allows me for the money I give them) went through the roof. I bumped it up to 3g/mo. Now that I understand referer spam and the effects of DailyKos lie well in the past, I frequently run under my bandwidth limit.

In a effort use the surplus, I’ll start posting some bandwidth-eating stuff towards the end of the month. They’ll only be up until the first or when I check my logs and find out that, oops!, I forgot to delete them.

1) I don’t know much about the band Clem Snide. Oh, sure, I could quickly google them and write a brief biographical synopsis, but it’s late and I just don’t feel like it. I’m lazy enough not to put a capital G on google. What I DO know is that my wife makes fun of me and calls me a hippie every time I put them on in the car. And she’s probably right.

Joan Jett of Arc shows off the essence of what I love about them. The title sounds…well…snide. I expected some parody of 80’s girl bands with a little blasphemy thrown in for good measure. I looked forward to it, actually. They don’t write parodies of 80’s girl bands with a little blasphemy thrown in like they used to. Instead, I got this lyrical, contemplative, slightly melancholy vignette of the first important sex of your life in the 80’s suburbia.

My black heart was heavy
But her mom’s Cougar was fast
As “Little Pink Houses” were whistled
And it was all you could eat
At the Sizzler that night
My steak-burning Joan Jett of Arc

All the years of driving past the strip malls of Rochester and watching them fade into the not yet developed countryside to make out in a Pinto smack me gently up side the head when I listen to this song. The postscript takes my breath away with it’s sweetly sincere, pratical observation that sex outdoors helps replenish the fossil fuel supply.

2) I’m not sure if Clem Snide ever heard Ed’ Redeeming Qualites, but Ed’s precedes them, nonetheless. Ed’s was a Boston band with a pretty earthy-crunch following. They put on a variety show every Sunday at the Rat in Boston for about a year or so. The band make up was guitar, ukes, clarinet, bongos, violin and occasionally a toy piano. They self-distibuted on cassette only for the longest time, since they’d record in a kitchen in somebody’s house. They put out a couple of properly produced albums, but they never quite sounded right. During my year and a half of working for Rykodisc before it got sold, I saw the cover art for At The Fish and Game Club CD.

“Wow! Ed’s! I used to see them at the Rat! Wow.” George, in whose office it hung, kind of mumbled something. “Yeah. That CD, though, man,” I began to tut…

George cut me off sharply. “I produced that CD.”

I didn’t continue.

The Periodic Table of Elements shows Ed’s in all its sloppy, quirky, opaque charm.

And, George. Boy, did you fuck that CD up.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I’m Rich

March 28th, 2005 No comments

Has anybody else got this? I’m gonna to tell you right now – KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFFA MY GODDAMN MONEY!! HONESTLY! NO FUCKING JOKE!!

I am MORE godly than you can ever hope to be, so cut the shit. GOT IT? CUT. THE. SHIT.

My name is Mrs. Jennifer Wilson i am a dying woman who have decided to donate what i have to you/ church.I am 59 years old and i was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago,immediately after the death of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for.
I have been touched by God to donate from what i have inherited from my late husband to the you for the god work of God,rather than allow my relatives to use my husband hard earned funds ungodly.Please pray,that the good Lord forgive me my sins.I have asked God to forgive me and i believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation in less than one hour.

I decided to WILL/donate the sum of $1,500,000 (One million five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows according to (JAMES 1:27).

At the moment i cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives are around me and my health status.I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware i have changed my will you and he will arrange the transfer of the funds from my account to you.

I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. Contact my lawyer with this specified email jbsolicitorx@netscape.net and tell him that i have WILLED ($1,500,000.00) to you and i have also notified him that i am WILLING that amount to you for a specific and good work.I know i don’t know you but i have been directed to do this.Thanks and God bless.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I don’t want anything that will Jeopardize my last wish. And Also I will be contacting with you by email as I don’t want my relation or anybody to know because they are always around me.

Regards,
Mrs.Jennifer Wilson

___________________________________________________________________________
Mail sent from WebMail service at PHP-Nuke Powered Site
– http://yoursite.com

Dear Lord,

Thank you for allowing this terminally ill woman access to a computer an hour before surgery and for keeping her meddling family out of the way so that she could send me this email via the BCC: field. Please guide her solictor to deposit the money quickly (after her death, of course, which you’ll kindly bring on sooner rather than later because who wouldn’t want a peach of a woman like this sitting next to Jesus as quickly as possible) into my bank account once I’ve given him my account number and signed a piece of paper authorizing his unlimited access to my paltry savings.

God, you and I both know that I don’t believe in You in the way that this woman thinks I do. We’ll…just keep that to O/ourselves, right? I mean, c’mon 1.5 mill. You wanted me to have that, right? I promise to do what I can to maybe believe in You in a more Christian-y way, but try to cut me some slack.

So…anyway…get in touch with me, however you go about doing it these days. You can leave a comment on this blog, if You have internet access up There. I’ve always wanted to hear my cats talk, so maybe You could do, like, a talking cat kind of thing.

Later,

Paul
PS – thanks a million…AND A HALF!

PPS – Really. The rest of you – back the fuck off. Seriously.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which Gallagher Goes For The Gold

March 28th, 2005 1 comment

BEST. RANT. EVER.

When they played the Star Spangled Banner 100,000 people in the stands…booed. They BOOED. They BOOED the United States. And wait, folks…it gets worse. After every STUPID goal the STUPID Mexicans made in the STUPID World Cup soccer game the chaaaaaanted “Osama, Osama”. [Long pause] I’m almost too angry to talk. How DARE they! This is a slap in the face to every widow of 9/11, to every soldier that’s died to protect us from terrorism…this is a slap in the face to AMERICA! If Americans did that to the Mexicans, boy, oh, boy, you’d CERTAINLY hear about it! Yes, you would! We’d have to APOLOGIZE for our behavior and the rest of the world would say “oh, look at how HORRIBLE America is.” But the Mexicans – it doesn’t matter.

Lemme tell you something – Mexico should BOW DOWN to us! We take the dregs of Mexican society into this country! Mexicans take our jobs! Mexicans flood our healthcare system! And THIS is how they repay us?! For keeping the world safe?!! So Vincete Fox can talk about how HORRIBLE we are!??

Now, booing the national anthem of the country your competing against in a soccer game, well, sure. After all, it’s a soccer game. US parents have actually killed people over little league hockey games and physical assaults are almost de riguer when you watch your children play sports. So, a little competitive psyche-out action, sure.

But “Osama, Osama”?

Bullshit detectors are funny things, which is why the wingnuts have taken over. 9/11 threw America into a state where a stoned college student who forgets his backpack on a train platform shuts down the subway for three hours. As Bill Maher pointed out, what’s the point of checking IDs at the airport when the Bush twins drank on fake IDs. Still, we’ll all happily remove our shoes and hope we showered before we got on the plane. Even now, if I hear a low-flying plane I’ll look up and wonder – did it happen again? But, for the most part, the bush administration created so much distrust over their motives, that I doubt first and ask questions later. So at “Osama, Osama” my bullshit detector went off.

Let’s, for the moment though, assume the evil Mexicans did chant “Osama, Osama” after every goal. So what? bush doesn’t care about Osama anymore.

Well, as I say, we haven’t heard much from him. And I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s at the center of any command structure. And, again, I don’t know where he is. I — I’ll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him.

If the President of the United States says the pressure’s off, then, heck, what’s Mike crying about? Who get’s upset about irrelevancies? That’s like Mike getting pissed off because people still call him “fatty fatty two-by-four” when he’s lost so much weight.

Given the fact that bush gave bin Laden a get-out-of-jail-free card and the rest of America mechanically nodded their heads when he suggested invading Iraq would be more fun, screaming “Osama, Osama” seems like a pretty accurate taunt since “Here’s another goal you haven’t acheived” proves too bulky to get out quickly. Plus, Mexicans don’t pronounce “H”s.

Sadly, and not too surprisingly, this never happened. Even though Mike claimed to be reading directly from the AP report he missed a key part of the piece –

There was some booing and whistling during “The Star-Spangled Banner” but the Americans expected worse. After the game, about 100 people gathered for a peaceful celebration near Mexico City’s Angel of Independence monument. A few first tried to burn, then trampled a small American flag while chanting “Osama! Osama!”

A little bit different, huh?

And, wingut-wise, the truth makes better copy. Allow me to speak for Mike – “And after BOOING the United States and disrespting every thing we’ve done for the world, for keeping it safe, for spreading democracy, for selflessly showing the ignorant, filthy heathen of the world the power of Christ’s love – they STILL couldn’t destroy us! The United States flag WOULD…NOT…BURN. Oh, say, does that star spangled banner yet wave? Well, you bet it does. And the scum of Mexcio isn’t gonna stop it. GOD BLESS AMERICA, I’m Mike Gallager”

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which It’s The Last I’ll Speak Of It…Probably

March 26th, 2005 2 comments

From CNN

In a separate, emergency motion, on which a Florida state judge is expected to rule by noon Saturday, the Schindlers contend that their daughter has expressed the wish to live.

“She managed to articulate the first two vowel sounds, first articulating AHHHHHHH and then virtually screaming WAAAAAAAA,” the motion said.

The incident happened in the presence of Schiavo’s sister, Suzanne Vitadamo, and an aunt, according to the motion

Well. What can I say? I’ve been duped by the death culture. What else could that have possibly meant? Certainly not, “I want my parents to stop exploiting me as a poster child for their political and religious views.” Or, “I want to get this over with.” Or, “I want you in my room instead of on CNN and Fox.”

No.

The message is unambiguous.

(Afterthough – What are ANY of them doing on TV right now? I don’t think she was saying “I want Larry King’s autograph”.)

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Go To The Casino – Er – Store 24

March 25th, 2005 3 comments

Overheard while waiting patiently in line –

Customer: These new scratch cards – jesus fucking christ – they don’t pay out at ALL! Ten bucks a card and what’s the best I get? Five bucks. Five fuckin’ dollars! That’s it!

Clerk: (Nodding dully) Yeah. I heard they’re not too good.

Customer: FIVE FUCKIN’ DOLLARS! What’re they trying do? Nobody’s gonna wanna buy these pieces of shit.

Clerk: Yeah. Yeah.

Customer: You know Billy?

Clerk: Billy?

Customer: Yeah. Billy. Big guy. Owns property.

Clerk: Yeah. Billy. He does ok.

Customer: Ok?! You know what he pulls in from his properites? $380,000 a MONTH! Ok – heh – ok. He doing a lot better than ok. I can’t even hit for five dollars!

Clerk: Yeah.

Customer: Ok – heh. Gimme…ummmmm…gimme six of those other ten dollar ones.

Clerk: Yeah.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Admit It’s Tasteless

March 24th, 2005 No comments

From the New York Times – 3/30/07

Pinellas Park, Florida – Although Terri Schiavo died two years ago, her parents, Bob and Mary Schindler still believe there is hope. Aided by religious conservatives across the nation and a group of Christian HVAC technicians called “Chillin’ For God”, they have spent the past two years successfully fighting Terri Schiavo’s removal from the hospice in which she died.

President Bush spoke to reporters yesterday saying, “With the rapid advance of ganonechtology in biologics, there is absolutely no reason to believable that Terri cannot be revived in the frametime of 5-10 years. This administration will not be known as the hombres who let the dead die. That’s not America.”

Shortly after Ms. Schiavo’s death, the Florida senate passed a measure to allow rooms in hospices located within the city limits of Pinellas Park to stay below freezing. This allowed “Chillin’ For God” to install the necessary cooling equipment that keeps Ms. Schiavo’s body from decaying. Objections by the nursing home were resolved when Tom DeLay formed a limited corporation to (Deceased Everlasting Accumulation Department Services)buy the nursing with an eye towards housing the deceased.

A spokesman for D.E.A.D.S, refuting claims that only the rich would could afford to house their dead said, “Thanks to a bill put forward by put forward by Congressional Republicans, Medicaid picks up about 80% of the cost”.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I’m Not Travis Bickle…Yet

March 24th, 2005 No comments

“When a case like this has been heard by 19 judges in six courts and it’s been appealed to the Supreme Court three times, the process has worked – even if it hasn’t given the result that the social conservatives want. For Congress to step in really is a violation of federalism.”

This comes from a policy wonk from the Hoover Institute and about says it all.

The conservatives are trying to paint the Schiavo case as setting a precedent for killing the weak. This is a lie. It’s about letting the family decide and always has been. Letting Terri Schiavo die doesn’t mean that everyone’s feeding tube gets yanked by jack-booted judges.

What frightens me most is the backlash against democracy. Law and order conservatives now advocate doing away with any judicial ruling they don’t like and conducting open revolt againsts the courts simply because they don’t make the decisions consistent with conservative values. Doesn’t this scare the living hell out of people?

People poo-poo Jesusland as just a snarky comment. Tom DeLay doesn’t think so. Listen to Tom at the Family Research Council

You know, one way they stopped churches from getting into politics was Lyndon Johnson, who passed a law that said you couldn’t get in politics or you’re going to lose your tax-exempt status, because they were all opposed to him when he was running for President. That law we’re trying to repeal. It’s very difficult to do that, but the point is, when they can knock out a leader, then no other leader will step forward for a while, because they don’t want to go through the same thing. If they go after and get a pastor, then other pastors shrink from what they should be doing. It forces Christians back into the church. That’s what’s going on in America. The world is too bad and I’m going to get inside this building and I’m not going to play in the world. That’s not what Christ asked us to do.

In the same speech he refers to Terri Schiavo as “lucid“, which dictionary.com defines as

Easily understood; intelligible.
Mentally sound; sane or rational.

A third defintion gives the meaning “translucent or transparent”, much like Tom’s speech.

9/11 changed America. It showed the neo-cons the power of a good jihad. David Brock, in his book Blinded By The Right, talks about how Grover Norquist (“Bi-partisanship is another word for date rape”) kept a huge picture of Stalin in his hallway. It wasn’t a warning of the evils of communism. It was inspiration. Crush all dissent. I wonder if bush and company have a similar portrait of bin Laden hanging somewhere.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: