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Archive for February, 2005

In Which It’s Pretty Much Final

February 28th, 2005 No comments

For those who get off reading multiple revisions of things, this is the more or less final version of the piece coming out in Jest. Apparently, the editor shortened the intro slightly, but other than that – HELLOOOO $25!

The Mid-Life Crisis FAQ

‘Sup, Hip Urban Male in the coveted 18-24 demographic?! I hope you’re enjoying your endless days and nights of amphetamines, Appletinis and amazing amounts of ass! I’m sure you’re only reading this magazine to kill time while you wait for that chick you toothed by MOMA to duck into Burger King to insert her diaphragm so you can bang her in an alleyway. I can’t wait to read about it on your blog!

My dad used to say to me that it’s never too early to think about your future. And I hated him for it. The twisted, bitter old gnome masquerading as my Dad couldn’t stand the plethora of pussy rotating through my apartment and buzzkill was the only defense available to him. Now, as I sit mid-way up the mountain of maturity, I understand. I understand all too well.

So, let me just say to you – It’s never too early to start thinking about your future. Read on, young Romeo! You’ll need this information sooner than you will ever know!

Q: What is a mid-life crisis?
A: The term “mid-life crisis” means different things to different people. Like snowflakes and car accidents, each is unique. Men, almost invariably, do not believe in mid-life crisis. They may joke about going through a mid-life crisis, but like Enron, they never see what’s happening for what it is.

Q: Fuck you, man! I’m not gonna have a mid-life crisis! I’ll be dead before I’m thirty!
A: You are absolutely adorable!

Q: What causes a mid-life crisis?
A: When you wake up and realize one or all of the following –
1) That every woman under the age of twenty-five considers you as a troll
2) Even the most hard up crack whore doubles her rates when you approach
3) You sold your bright, beautiful dreams for a cubicle and a Ford Focus wagon
4) You have a gray pubic hair
But look on the bright side – your wife still loves you! Really! She only talks about her tennis instructor so much because he’s really helped improve her game. And the vibrator was a gag gift! Really!

Q: How do I know if I’m in my mid-life crisis?
A: You pop Cialis when you don’t need to. (e.g. – You’re wife is out of town) You start crying uncontrollably when you hear Green Day’s “Time of Your Life”. The phrase “the walking wounded” keeps popping into your head. You realize that George Bailey should have killed himself. And, yes, your penis IS smaller so stop scrutinizing it every time you go to the bathroom.

Q: Is it OK for me to have an affair?
A: Let’s harken back to the marriage vows you took. The “forsaking all others” clause is fairly explicit. The agreement was not to fuck ANYone except her*.

Q: Is it OK to fuck the babysitter?
A: While I risk coming off puritanical, the answer is an emphatic, no*. Babysitters, defined as 12-17 year old girls, are jailbait and jailbait is illegal. A helpful rule of thumb, also used in many businesses, is if she doesn’t have at least a high-school diploma, she’s not worth the risk. Women over 18 generally prefer the term “child-care” or nanny and are much more expensive. You might as well hire a prostitute for that kind of money.

Q: How could American Beauty get it so right?
A: I don’t know. American Beauty was written by a homosexual. Think about that the next time you jerk off in the shower.

Q: You think I’m gay?
A: I never said that.

Q: Why? Why are you telling these things to me?!
A: It’s an oedipal thing. As an only son, my Dad could only buzzkill me. I, on the other, have the capacity to buzzkill almost a quarter of a million twenty-somethings. Fuck you, Dad! You ALWAYS underestimated me!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go fuck your girlfriend. Chicks dig father figures.

* Don’t get caught.

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In Which I Love My Church

February 28th, 2005 No comments

Once a year, First Parish of Watertown does a fundraising drive and for the past couple of years they’ve asked me to write some of the canvass sketches. I love doing this. I can’t imagine any other church that would entrust me with something like that.

(1, 2 and 3 walk out dressed with shawls over there head.)

1: Freep, freep, freep

2: Mek, mek, mek

3: Poody pum, poody pum, poody pum

(They form a circle and slowly rotate, saying their phrases. Bob stands up slowly shaking his head.)

Bob: Paul? Where’s Paul? Paul!

Paul: (Standing) What?

(The circle continues, albeit quietly.)

Bob: Paul, what are you doing?

Paul: What do you mean?

Bob: This is supposed to be a canvas sketch.

Paul: Yeah, I know. It’s great, isn’t it?!

Bob: This has nothing to do with the canvas!

Paul: Don’t use your scary voice with me.

Bob: Look, we give you a lot of leeway when it comes to these sketches, but you’re really pushing it this time. We told you specifically to keep to the topic of the 375th anniversary of the church and you’ve got some incomprehensible American Repertory Theater thing going on here.

1: Paul, can we stop now?

Paul: Keep freeping. Bob. Bob, Bob, Bob. It all makes perfect sense. See, the circle (points to the circle) is the circle of life. “Freep” is “free” with a “p” on the end of it. “Mek” is “mek the most of your life” and “Poody pum” is a Lynchian deconstruction of Winnie the Pooh, the ultimate optimist. The circle (points to the circle) keeps going because people are willing to donate their time and money.

Bob: WHO’S GOING TO UNDERSTAND THAT??

Paul: (Calmly) Exactly! You see the overarching framework is that 375 years ago, who really got what Unitarianism was about? It was just a bunch of folks saying stuff that other people couldn’t really understand or process. It made people scratch their heads and even got them a bit angry.

2: Can we –

Paul: No. So the point of this sketch is to –

Bob: There is no point to this sketch!

Paul: Not when you interrupt it like this. It needs to build.

3: Can we –

Paul: No. Oh, whatever. Cut to the end.

1, 2 and 3: (In a droning, arty way) Forward. Forward. We move ever forward toward a world with zebras and popsicles. Toward a deeper understanding.

(1, 2 and 3 lean back, look to the sky and spread their arms out wide)

Bob: (After a pause) You’re never doing this again.

Paul: C’mon, guys. Let’s go.

(The players exit)

1: Well, I thought it was very moving!

Bob: Put in plain English…(Bob summarizes briefly the Canvass Message)

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In Which I Have A Question

February 27th, 2005 No comments

So, having watched Matrix III and Matrix I tonight – wouldn’t you think that in this advanced computer society where the body means nothing and everything is reduced to computer code and pulses of electricity they’d find a more advanced way of settling conflicts? I don’t mean that in a hippy-dippy-hey-let’s-sit-down-and-talk-this-out kinda way. Kung-fu and guns strikes me as a tad analog for a society that uses humans for fuel. Agent Smith and Neo should be…I don’t know what they should be doing but Rock Em Sock Em Robots feels contrived after a couple of hours of psuedo-philosophy. It’s depressing to think that two hundred years into future the fate of humanity rests on best out of three falls.
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In Which I Have A Surprise

February 25th, 2005 4 comments

All the “new leaf” stuff was just a great big goof! I STILL HATE EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING!

I’ve had a lot of fun and now I’m bored, as you, the reader, probably are too.

Two final things before resuming my regular aberrant self –

1) If you plan to have a career in the public eye then you’d better get used to public criticism. I’ve got a friend who tells me that someone said he was single-handedly responsible for killing Boston comedy. He couldn’t really give a fuck.

2) Revenge never feels as good as you think it will.

2a) Disguising revenge in the guise of heroism fools no one.

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In Which My Brain Is Doing Just Fine, Thank You!

February 25th, 2005 8 comments

Certain negitive nay-sayers (and the old negitive me might have called them by name but the new POSITIVE me understands that no one should ever say anything bad about anyone no matter what because it might cause them to rethink their self image and that might lead to bad feelings about themselves and bad feelings cause negitive thoughts that’s NOT what this blog is about anymore! Remember how people used to call Keanu Reeves’ acting “wooden”?! They don’t do that anymore, do they!? Why? I heard a theory that it’s because his lawyer explained to those people that it made him feel bad about himself and they “got it” and stopped calling his acting “wooden”! Now they call him “understated”! A lot of people get down on lawyers and the people who use them! Not me! I see lawyers as forces for POSITIVE change! And if you, the reader of this POSITIVE blog, start feeling that you’re life is worthless and going nowhere, maybe YOU can get a lawyer who can make you feel GOOD about yourself! Try it!) have implied that my new found POSITIVITY would lead to a medical condition! GUESS WHAT! I went to the person who dispenses my medical advice and he said that I’m doing GREAT! He asked me what I’d changed and I told him ONLY MY ATTITUDE! He smiled and told me to KEEP ON KEEPING ON! I guess that’s an old hippie phrase or something! Anyway, I really like my medical advice dispensing person a lot!

OH! And I forgot that yesterday was my BLOG BIRTHDAY! My first post on the Internets! I’m pretty sure that I can quote myself, but I’m not going to take the risk! Better safe than sued, I always say! And, besides, it was kind of negitive!

STAY POSITIVE!

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In Which I Have A New Business Venture!

February 25th, 2005 No comments

In the past 36 hours, I’ve been really racking my brain for something that I can do to really make a DIFFERENCE that benefits both others and myself! And I think I’ve found it! Go POSITIVITY!!

I’m going to set up a business where I buy up Halloween candy that hasn’t gotten eat yet! Because there’s always a whole bunch of candy left even a couple of months after Halloween and I often think to myself, “WOW! If there were just someone who would BUY that candy then we’d have a little extra money in the coffers!”

Well, I’m gonna be that guy!

I’m really excited about this idea!

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In Which It’s Another Beautiful Day!

February 24th, 2005 3 comments

I hope this doesn’t sound too wierd, but I had the most incredible dream where I was having sex with this totally hot chick dressed up as a raccooon under a rainbow! I guess that DOES sound kinda wierd, but in the dream world (and, yes, I think it WAS Wonkaland), it was natural and normal and…WOWIE, really, really HOT! I hope nobody decides to copy and paste this post and mail it out to a bunch of people! People would think I’m a FREAK! But even if they do, that’s JUST FINE, since I wouldn’t be posting it if I wanted to keep it private! Oh, I guess that the OLD NEGITIVE me might want to go on a crusade to destroy anybody who said mean things about me, but the NEW POSITIVE would say, “HEY! People are people so why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully?!” The OLD NEGITIVE me might feel so insecure about myself that I’d try to insulate myself from my words and threaten people with legal action for using them! What a dummy I’d be for doing THAT!? The NEW POSITIVE me says, “HEY! Only I can make myself look stupid! And if I choose to make myself look stupid, then…um…I…make myself…look stupid.”

So, let’s play in the sunshine before we get older! I’m feeling kinda lucky today – I’m gonna find my four-leaf clover!

I’m really glad that Prince found Jesus and uses his old name again! Aren’t you!?

STAY POSITIVE!

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In Which Positivity WORKS!

February 23rd, 2005 2 comments

WOW!

I’m so excited I just have to say that again – WOW!

I must admit that I felt a little…I don’t know…funny when I made the committment to Positivity! How could I, who have spent much of my blog-time mindlessly chiding, berating and hrrrumphing all manner of people, places and things, possibly change my ways?! And how would my readership, such as it is, REACT?!

Well, I’m here to tell you that even in the not-quite-twenty-four-hour period that I’ve practiced Positivity I’ve seen astounding results! Let me just repeat that – ASTOUNDING RESULTS!! My comments section, which usually lies barren and dusty accepted no less than TWO comments! IN ONE DAY!! Hi Dee-rob! Hi Wes! You know I’ve never actually met anybody named Wes before, which only proves even more conclusively what the power of Positivity can do! A friend of mine knew a guy named Wes once who got hit by a bus! My friend says he walks with a limp now but he doesn’t let that slow him down! Why? Because he stays Positive!

Besides comments, I’ve even received several emails from people too shy to leave comments! To them I say – JOIN THE CLUB! Positivity can work for you, too! It’s easier to practice Positivity together! That just means more positive people in the world! I know it’s scary at first – believe me, I was shaking in my boots the first time I said something nice! But you know what?! It turned out ok! It actually felt pretty good! You know what it made me feel like? It made me feel like a hawk soaring over a beautiful snowy mountain range in Wonkaland! I felt like I could land on a branch and just chomp away at a frosting covered twig! Yum yum!

Anywho – I stopped off at the library this afternoon (Hi Shandra!) and picked up a couple of Dale Carnegie books that I CANNOT WAIT to dig into, so I should sign off now!

STAY POSITIVE!!

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In Which I’m Sending Love Through The Mail!

February 23rd, 2005 6 comments

Normally, I don’t like – wait, wait, that’s the OLD me!

Buying stamps can be an ADVENTURE! There are so many different kinds of stamps in the US that you never have to be bored! If you look at the sky instead of the sidewalk, you see all SORTS of things! The only problem is that the stamps were for bills! But, you know what?! If I used the services, I SHOULD have to pay for them! I mean, who gives away anything for free! The answer will surprise you! We ALL do! Everyday we all give something away for absolutely NOTHING! Can you guess what it is?!

i love u!

That’s RIGHT! It’s LOVE! We all give away love away for free! EVERYDAY!

Now the old me (the negative one) would grumble and moan about certain people CHARGING for love, but this is the NEW me – the POSITIVE ME – so instead of complaining about sending out the bills I’m going to use the new I (heart) You stamps so that whoever opens my bills at their final destination will get a little bit of love in what otherwise might be a poorly paid, soul crushing – OOPS! SORRY! We should all feel lucky for whatever jobs we have no matter what kind of job it is! After all, even the WORST job is better than NO JOB AT ALL!

Right?!

RIGHT!

I (HEART) YOU ALL!

STAY POSITIVE!

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In Which I Am A Positive Person!

February 23rd, 2005 1 comment

Did you see the sun today? Wow! The day is so pretty with the snow looking like frosting slowly dripping off the branches! It looks good enough to eat! I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where everything was pretty and edible! That would be great! Almost like living in Wonkaland! Maybe you could write a sequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory! You could update it in modern times like Oceans 12 which I guess used to be a movie in the olden times but it’s probably in black and white and movies in black and white suck. Oops! That was a negative comment! Let me try to say that more positively! While…some people enjoy…movies that are in black and white, I…prefer movies that…are in color! Wait! Even better – While some people enjoy movies that are in black and white, I, AS A GENERAL RULE OF THUMB, prefer movies that are in color but I wouldn’t…NOT watch a movie that my friends were watching if it happened to be in black and white! See?! That sounded MUCH more positive! Wow! Is it me or did the sun just get BRIGHTER?! Maybe it’s just my sunny disposition! HA HA! That was funny! I’m gonna try to be more funny and less negative from here on out! I’m gonna try not to swear either, because people who swear are stupid! Ooooh! Positive! Think Positive! Ok – I’m gonna try not to swear because people who swear…AS A GENERAL RULE OF THUMB…look on…the darker side…of life…like I used to do but not anymore because I am a positive person!

Wow!

I feel GREAT!!

PS – Leave me a really positive comment!

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