For those who get off reading multiple revisions of things, this is the more or less final version of the piece coming out in Jest. Apparently, the editor shortened the intro slightly, but other than that – HELLOOOO $25!
The Mid-Life Crisis FAQ
‘Sup, Hip Urban Male in the coveted 18-24 demographic?! I hope you’re enjoying your endless days and nights of amphetamines, Appletinis and amazing amounts of ass! I’m sure you’re only reading this magazine to kill time while you wait for that chick you toothed by MOMA to duck into Burger King to insert her diaphragm so you can bang her in an alleyway. I can’t wait to read about it on your blog!
My dad used to say to me that it’s never too early to think about your future. And I hated him for it. The twisted, bitter old gnome masquerading as my Dad couldn’t stand the plethora of pussy rotating through my apartment and buzzkill was the only defense available to him. Now, as I sit mid-way up the mountain of maturity, I understand. I understand all too well.
So, let me just say to you – It’s never too early to start thinking about your future. Read on, young Romeo! You’ll need this information sooner than you will ever know!
Q: What is a mid-life crisis?
A: The term “mid-life crisis” means different things to different people. Like snowflakes and car accidents, each is unique. Men, almost invariably, do not believe in mid-life crisis. They may joke about going through a mid-life crisis, but like Enron, they never see what’s happening for what it is.
Q: Fuck you, man! I’m not gonna have a mid-life crisis! I’ll be dead before I’m thirty!
A: You are absolutely adorable!
Q: What causes a mid-life crisis?
A: When you wake up and realize one or all of the following –
1) That every woman under the age of twenty-five considers you as a troll
2) Even the most hard up crack whore doubles her rates when you approach
3) You sold your bright, beautiful dreams for a cubicle and a Ford Focus wagon
4) You have a gray pubic hair
But look on the bright side – your wife still loves you! Really! She only talks about her tennis instructor so much because he’s really helped improve her game. And the vibrator was a gag gift! Really!
Q: How do I know if I’m in my mid-life crisis?
A: You pop Cialis when you don’t need to. (e.g. – You’re wife is out of town) You start crying uncontrollably when you hear Green Day’s “Time of Your Life”. The phrase “the walking wounded” keeps popping into your head. You realize that George Bailey should have killed himself. And, yes, your penis IS smaller so stop scrutinizing it every time you go to the bathroom.
Q: Is it OK for me to have an affair?
A: Let’s harken back to the marriage vows you took. The “forsaking all others” clause is fairly explicit. The agreement was not to fuck ANYone except her*.
Q: Is it OK to fuck the babysitter?
A: While I risk coming off puritanical, the answer is an emphatic, no*. Babysitters, defined as 12-17 year old girls, are jailbait and jailbait is illegal. A helpful rule of thumb, also used in many businesses, is if she doesn’t have at least a high-school diploma, she’s not worth the risk. Women over 18 generally prefer the term “child-care” or nanny and are much more expensive. You might as well hire a prostitute for that kind of money.
Q: How could American Beauty get it so right?
A: I don’t know. American Beauty was written by a homosexual. Think about that the next time you jerk off in the shower.
Q: You think I’m gay?
A: I never said that.
Q: Why? Why are you telling these things to me?!
A: It’s an oedipal thing. As an only son, my Dad could only buzzkill me. I, on the other, have the capacity to buzzkill almost a quarter of a million twenty-somethings. Fuck you, Dad! You ALWAYS underestimated me!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go fuck your girlfriend. Chicks dig father figures.
* Don’t get caught.