Archive for September, 2004

In Which You Should Watch The Debate Tonight

September 30th, 2004 No comments

Think the debates are stupid and won’t change anything? You’re probably right. Think it’s just two white guys vying over whose pet gets the really good pet food the White House provides? You’re probably right. Think that the powers that be already picked who’ll be the next president and this is just a dog and pony show like a political WWF battle? Cynical, but possibly accurate.

The most compelling reason to watch the debate is the off chance that either Kerry or Bush will pull a newly minted semi-automatic assault rifle.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which It Just Keeps Getting Funnier

September 29th, 2004 No comments

I mean, who does the government think that it is that they can’t just walk in and take your land and tell YOU what THEY think a fair price for it is?! Where are we living? Are we living in pre-Cold War Russia? I cannot tell you how FURIOUS this makes me!!

This quote comes from –
1) The former residents of Dana, MA
2) Every Native American that ever breathed
3) Conservative talk show host Mike Gallagher

A: Most likely all of them, but Mike Gallagher sounded like a whiny little girl as he decried (with nary a trace of irony) the United States’ use of Eminent Domain in a case to go before the Supreme Court.

I don’t know my history well enough to figure out the “pre-cold war Russia” comment. Did Stalin allow privatization when the Cold War started? (Note to self – do more research on this)

One issue that I’m surprised hasn’t come on talk radio is

all those lazy-ass people in Florida trying to sponge off the government to “rebuild their lives”. I’m personally sick of it. I didn’t tell you to live in the path of a hurricane and I don’t want MY tax dollars to pay for YOUR new trailer home.

“Oh! Oh! My poor double-wide! How can I afford to replace my beautiful velvet Elvis paintings?! Oh! Oh! Uncle Sam’s gotta bail me out!”

Folks, we all have choices here. It’s about time that you stopped relying on the government to bail you out of every single problem that you have. First you want to be able to sit on your ass and have babies and not work and you want the government to pay for it. Now, you want to live in sunny Florida cultivating various form of melonoma and participating in wet t-shirt contests and when God punishes you for your sinful ways by depositing your Pinto inside the strip club you work at, you run to Uncle Sam for another handout. It’s gotta stop! It’s insanity! Do people not see this? I’d LOVE to live in Florida! I’d love to wake up in the morning and pick a mango off a tree for breakfast and climb back into my hammock and listen to Jimmy Buffet for the rest of the day! But I can’t. And you know why? Because I believe in the work ethic and I’ve got to pay for YOUR IDOLENCE with MY TAX DOLLARS!

And to all the Jews living down there – do you want us to support Israel or put a new roof on your rec center? Your choice – but you can’t have both.

I haven’t heard anybody say this yet. Curious! But I’ll keep listening.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which Bazooka Joe Returns

September 28th, 2004 No comments

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which My Self-Deception Is Self-Deceived

September 27th, 2004 No comments

Given the rancor of the previous post I feel the need to, if not offer a blanket apology, then at least to blunt my rhetoric.

This morning my daughter spent ten minutes walking through the house singing the “number notes” section of Einstien on the Beach.

Phil Collins, however, is still a worthless piece of talentless taint whose only achievement was to turn Tarzan into an animated music video in which none of the characters sang.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Find Myself Self-Deceived

September 26th, 2004 No comments

While the friend came over around 3pm, the sleepover proper didn’t start until after dinner and the radio went on. And on. And on. From 7:30pm until midnight, it spewed Magic 106.7, Continous Soft Rock.


“People smile and tell me I’m the lucky one/We’ve just begun/Think I’m going to go back in time and slaughter Kenny Logins parents to prevent him from ever fouling the airwaves with this shit”

“Because I’m easy/Easy like re-enacting the unedited version of Caligula on your no-talent ass”

Oh, god. It’s not like I was completely self-deceived. In the back of my mind, I knew that despite giving my children access to a wide range of music, the hydra-headed monster of absolute shit would one day creep into their musical lives and plant its ugly seed. Yes, I know that they sneak KISS 108. And don’t think that I don’t see the small smile creep across my wife’s lips when they mysteriously know the words to Uptown Girl.

Do you really want your children listening to the pre-programmed musical tastes of this man?

Call 911

But you know what? I’m not bitter. I’m not bitter at all. Not a jot. Not a whit. Why? Because I’ve still got the King Lear card to play. That’s right. One of my children will get everything when I die and it’s NOT going to be the one who owns the “No Jacket Required” album.

You can be su-su-sure of that.

“Is anybody listening?/Oh no/There’s no reply at all because I scalped what was left of Phil Collins hair off his satanic skull”

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Pretend To Affect Change

September 25th, 2004 No comments

My wife and I broke up several times before we got married. The last break up should have been the final one. She broke up with me, not for anybody else, but for herself, which is the absolute hardest kind of break up to deal with. It’s easier when someone comes in and takes over for you. At least you have someone to hate.

During the period of disengagement, I’d call her answering machine occasionally. I thought that I might get some sense of her mindset by listening to her voice. Of course, the message rarely changed and the subtle variations that I clung to lived only in my head. I was just about to get on with my life when, out of the blue, she called and wanted to talk. Cue wedding bells.

I drove around yesterday listening to Dennis Prager bully and twist and outright lie, as always. Liberal this, democrat that, flip-flop flip-flop. He came out with a good one –

Believe me, folks, it hurts me to talk badly about people. I want to believe that everyone is good. I want to respect my opponents…BUT I CAN’T! You can’t respect these people. They are only concerned with falsehood. They are only concerned with telling everyone how BAD the United States of America is! I wish more than anything that I believed they had the nation’s interest at heart, but they don’t. They just don’t. They are unworthy of respect. And it hurts me.


Driving back from the library, the plastic Karl Marx head on my dashboard happily bobbing away next to the bobblehead Osama, he began to go on and on about how Yom Kippur was starting at sunset. Yom Kippur, for those who don’t know, is the Jewish Day of Atonement. For twenty-four hours, the following are not permitted

Eat or drink
Bathe or wash
Wear leather shoes, leather sandals or any other leather footgear
Have marital relations
Anoint oneself

Jews are also required to ask the forgiveness of those who they have committed sins against.

When you commit a sin that hurts another human being, you have sinned against both Hashem and that person. It is then necessary to add a step to the repentance process. You must regret the sin, resolve never to do it again, ask that person for forgiveness, and on Yom Kippur you must confess the sin and ask Hashem for forgiveness.

It is therefore customary to ask people before Yom Kippur to forgive you for anything you may have done to hurt them. If you make an honest attempt to ask the person for forgiveness, and he refuses to forgive you, you must try at least two more times. You have to wait a few days in-between requests, and they must be in three different places, in hopes that the person will cool off and change his mind. If he still refuses to forgive you, you have at least done your part, and Hashem takes that into account.

Normally, this kind of whiplash morality doesn’t bother me, but for some reason, my blood pressure shot through the roof. Now in the name of G-d does he reconcile the obvious and deliberate harm he inflicts on a daily basis and continue to see himself as a pious Jew?

Christians don’t really have this kind of all or nothing forgiveness thing. We’re kind of expected to do it on a daily basis and, oddly, that makes it easier to forget about. Once you stop doing something, it’s easier to not do. But once a year, Jews are expected to take deep and accurate stock of their lives, identify their deficiencies and take action. I’d think that, if done properly, the majority of us would have nervous breakdowns or panic attacks. Or maybe I’m projecting.

Still, as I made my way home and Dennis kept prattling on about the honor of assisting during services in “one of the biggest temples in Miami Beach” I wondered exactly what he’d identify as harm to another human being.

I sent him an email with some suggestions when I got home.

During Yom Kippur, meditate on this

You could be a force for good in the world. You could expose the lies and treachery of both parties in the US. You could be the radio equivalent of, taking no sides and actively pushing for true American justice.

Instead, you turn a blind eye to the crimes of one party to focus on the other. You blame one side for the same acts that the other side is also guilty of. When you sense an argument isnt going your way, you change the topic and claim victory. You fall so deep into your own rhetoric that you lose sight of what truth is or means.

This does not make you a good person and this does not make you a moral person. When you meet God, will you truly look him in the eye and tell him that you did His work? Can you say to God today that the words that you use daily are for Gods glory?

Think for a moment about what you said today I would like to respect my opponents, but I just cant. If you wanted to respect them, you would. You would ask God for the grace and power to see them as human beings that use the same tactics as you to advance their beliefs.

Pray for atonement.

Half an hour later, it was time to pick my daughter up at school. Dennis’ voice crackled on as the car started up. And, as with my wife’s voice on her answering machine, I strained to interpret the inflections of his voice. And, of course, I could hear the difference. He seemed a little more sedate than he had earlier in the day. Perhaps he was just tired, I thought. Sitting outside the school, a union member called to complain about some anti-union statements. (If I recall, he’d said that once upon a time, the unions were the strongly anti-Communist and pro-USA, as opposed to acting selfishly as they do today by supporting Democrats. He forgot to mention that unions mostly sprung from Communist ideals.)

As he tried to weasel out of his statements, though he added

Look, my problems with the unions are the same problems that I have with Big Business. Both of them need to keep the health of the country in mind. Big Business is just as bad as unions. I just want to make that clear.

Maybe he had read the email.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:


September 25th, 2004 No comments
Categories: Uncategorized Tags:


September 25th, 2004 No comments
Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which I Walk To The Brink Of The Generation Gap

September 24th, 2004 2 comments

Changing time slots on the radio show is like going to a new school and having to meet new people. As I walked up the stairs, Elvis roared out a live version of “I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea” and that was a good sign. Indeed, the boy and girl team were awfully nice and cheery and they gave me hope that the world might indeed pull itself from the brink of another four years of bush. We chatted amiably about this and I told them that I’d seen the This Year’s Model tour and they asked me how it was. On the counter Tom Waits’ Rain Dog sat contentedly waiting to be played. I marvelled how our musical tastes intersected so completely despite a 20+ year age difference.

As the warm, fuzzy feeling of “age is a state of mind” grew inside me, the boy looked over to me.

“Hey,” he asked, putting an album on the turntable, “umm…how do you know what speed to play the big ones at?”

So much for that particular idyll.

I’ve got to get the turntable set up and teach my kids about vinyl.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

In Which My Time Changed

September 23rd, 2004 2 comments

I’m absolutely positive that your switched on your radio last Monday and cursed me loudly when you found that Hbee Inc. Radio was not on the air. My apologies for not warning you. The kids at MFO, tricksters all of them, once again decided that it’s more in keeping with the freeform format of the station to play hide and seek with the schedule than leave shows where they are.

That said, Hbee Inc Radio is now on from 6-7pm on Thursdays. Yes, they cut an hour off the show but, hey, the jam band kids need more time for their 12-1/2 hour versions of Sugar Magnolia and I rarely play anything over five minutes. It all works out.

I would be remiss, and I’m not even sure if he’s still reading, in not providing closure on The Doctor situation. The Doctor’s show was, sadly, not picked up this semester.

So, turn on, tune in and…listen (I guess) to Hbee Inc Radio on WMFO, 91.5FM or on the web at every Thursday from 6-7pm.

And I won’t be playing any Tull. Ever.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: