Archive for May, 2004

In Which It’s Not True

May 18th, 2004 No comments

When recently asked about the torture in Abu Grahib prison, Sec’y of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that identifying individual prisoners who suffered abuse would prove difficult. “They all look the same with a bag over their head,” said Rumsfeld.

WNRK in Portland, OR fired two DJ’s for making the first jokes about the beheading of Nicholas Berg. The station released a statement saying, in part, that the policy of the station when it comes to tragedies is to wait 8 hours after Howard Stern makes the first joke to release theirs.

An unexpected knapsack held up a major exercise testing security in NYC subways. According to sources, several of the participating agencies refused to move forward because, “this shit’s not supposed to real. It’s a test, you know? We don’t want our people getting hurt.”

Sonia Ghandi was elected Prime Minister of India. Her first act as Prime Minister – lose some weight.

Pope John Paul canonized a woman who died due to complications from child birth. Gianna Beretta Molla refused an abortion knowing that the pregnancy would kill her. While some complained that she performed no miracle, the Pontiff disagreed. “The miracle is that she fell for it,” he exclaimed. Shortly after the ceremony, the Pontiff nearly drowned in the tears God shed upon him. God then apologized to His son for the umpteenth time for humans misunderstanding what He believed was a fairly straightforward message.

The Kerry campaign released a new anti-Bush commerical featuring the Tubes’ classic song “White Punks on Dope.”

A woman in Perry, Georgia was found guilty of killing her husband by feeding him antifreeze. After the jury read the verdict, she reportedly began to scream, “Take off her nightie! Take off her nightie!,” until court officers restrained her.

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