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In Which Zebnon Invades And I Plan My Strategy

March 25th, 2004 No comments

Yes, folks, it’s another King of the Blog challenge!

In this installment, the blogosphere has just been invaded by space aliens from the planet Zebnon. As King of the Blogs it is my duty to meet the threat. I must put together a delegation of bloggers to rise up and meet the aliens.

Before going any further, I’d like clarify that the judges are not referring to this Zebnon the noted French Hétéro with a webcam (oui).

but rather to the Planet Zebnon which, according to a Google search, does not have a webcam (non). Just so we’re clear on that.

Ok.

With any other interplanetary life-form, this challenge would be a piece of cake, but Zebnon is badass and that complicates matters. All the other planets (Xorsarl, Qisk, Feican, you know the rest) would never dare to attack a blogosphere sporting Atrios, Instapundit, InfoWars, Belle Du Jour and my own favorite Dura-Luxe. Never. Well, they might if they got whacked out on coensarcq, but you can’t really hold a planet responsible for what it does while it’s in a blackout.

Zebnon, though. Man. They’re just plain crazy. And that natural, drug-free crazy, which is the worst crazy of all. They’ve got absolutely no content up on Zebnon, which is why they’re invading in the first place. I mean, Jesus, they’re still on Netscape 0.96! Throwing premium blogs at them is akin to Bush actually finding WMD in Iraq. They’d go nuts and start invading everything wanting more and more and the next thing you know the blogosphere winds up with nothing but blogs like The Cat’s Meow and…wait a minute..I’ve got an idea and I think it’s a good one.

Follow me on this – We need to convince the Zebnonians that our blogosphere is content-free. Once they see for themselves that our blogs suck, they’ll find some other blogosphere to invade. True, it sucks for the other blogosphere they wind up raiding, but, hey, that’s cyber-life.

So, here’s my presentation to them-

Hi, I’m Hbee. Nice to meet you. I’m not sure what to call you so I’ll just call you, Sir. Do they have that term on your planet? It’s a term of respect, sir

I know you think this blogosphere has some killer content, but I’m afraid you made a mistake. I have a feeling that what you saw was a data refraction from another blogosphere during the last solar flare up. Our content, for lack of a better word…sucks. Do they have that word on your planet? Sucks? It means really, really bad. Here, let me show you.

Here’s The Cat’s Meow, whose subtitle is “You’ll save us both a lot of time and trouble if you just accept right now that I know everything.”

I’ve realized my last few posts are a little boring, since all I do is complain about being tired… Still tired, but kind of hyper because seeing my sisters does that to me! So in a few minutes I’ll go to bed.

See? Look, here’s another entry.

I can’t believe how tired I am right now but I tried going to sleep and interruptions kept popping up. That’s all right. Okay, self, the plan is… go to dinner at six, meet Kevin in the chapel to give him music at 6:30, practice for an hour or so, come back to my room and maybe sleep, probably just hang around, until 10, at which time I will mosey to the Phi Mu lodge and learn about the letter I… yay!

Okay…and GO!
Dinner at Baldy…yay.

Sir, please don’t growl at me like that.

Now, *~*.:The greatest thing you’ll ever learn…Is just to Love, and be Loved in return!.*~* just isn’t that much better. See how she makes you click through not six but seven cute little dialog boxes before you get to the low quality, horribly over-sincere white alto-dive trying her best to sound black. See all the javascript. Do you really want this on your planet?

Yeah!!! so damn happy 2dae…i feel tat every thing is juz right…in the mornin i was early 4 sch….tat means i didnt meet ahem ahem…..den lata durin chinese teacher said my compo was good…its like in my entire life 4 chinese compo i scored above 27….haha…then lata 4 my lit test i passed…it was unbelieveable…coz i suck at lit coz i hate readin

(At point I sense the Zebnonians shifting nervously from tentacle to tentacle twisting their triangular shaped head around to look for a clock.)

No. I didn’t think so. Look, I want to assure you that I’m giving you the best that we have. Believe me, if we had your kind of firepower, we’d be hunting for content, too.

I’ve got a couple more for you, if you’re interested. Let me introduce you to Rabbi Jones Funny Bones

Monkey’s humpin Dogs…
[Monkey]: Oooo Oooo, Ahh Ahhhh.
[Dog]: Yip, Yip

[Fat man] : That aint right.
[Skinny man]: Boy, you’re fat.

Hey, Rabbi – do the Poor Lemur Poem

Poor Lemur
I got a snake.
I keep it in my pants cuz it’s brown.
My brown snake bites my hand.
I beat my snake.

I got some bees.
I keep them in my pants cuz they’re sad.
My sad bees sting my choad.
I hate my bees.

I got a lemur.
I keep it in my pants cuz it’s dead.
My dead lemur is creepy.
I love my lemur.

Why do you keep looking at the clock? Do you have another blogosphere to invade? Ok. I’ve been holding back. Meet Perpetual Puppy.

I hate how people can never live up to their f**king promises…….like ever. Wheather its “Sure Ill call you about that job”, or “Yeah Ill email you”, or “Of coarse Ill buy you a riding jacket for your birthday,well maybe christmas,well actually why not valentines day….Easter?” Um, how about NEVER! How about Hey, youre just not worth it at all

Yes, I know it was more teenage angst. That’s what our blogsosphere consists of – teenagers who have computers but NOT riding jackets. Really. That’s it.

Maybe that’s a bit disingenuous. We do have Lisa’s Wrestling Tapes. See. One page and that’s an AD.

Or maybe, My Life In Haiku.

Electricity:
It tingles through my body
I am on the floor.

Hey! Hey! Where are you going? Come back! I’m not done yet! We’ve still got 13,456 blogs in North America, alone. HEY!!

And that, as Bugs Bunny says, is that!

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In Which I Had A Rather Boring Dream

March 24th, 2004 No comments

I had a dream last night where I went to the library to take out a video. When I gave the librarian my card, she told me I had fines of $2, which I knew that I didn’t. Rather than argue, I paid them and left.

Then I woke up.

Chances are good that I won’t post any more dreams.

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In Which The Battle Is Enjoined

March 24th, 2004 No comments

I promise not to harp on the Board forever. It’s like blogging about work – no one really cares.

The trolls activity increases daily and I’m starting to lose my zen. Registered users can create pictures (avatars, for those not in the know) as a counterpoint to their screen name. For the longest time I used a picture of Timothy Rollins, the editor of the American Partisan, an ultra-conservative website –

I didn’t think much about it until someone pointed out that it looked a lot like me. I messed around with a few other avatars before coming up with this one –

It’s a screen cap from Objective:Christian Ministries 4 Kidz page. That’s Mr Gruff, the neighborhood atheist.

If you find an Atheist in your neighborhood,
TELL A PARENT OR PASTOR RIGHT AWAY!

You may be moved to try and witness to
these poor lost souls yourself, however
AVOID TALKING TO THEM!

Atheists are often very grumpy and bitter and will lash out at children or they may even try to trick you into neglecting God’s Word.

Very advanced witnessing techniques are needed for these grouches. Let the adults handle them.

Madalyn Murray O’Hair is his hero.

But I digress. Avatars. Yes.

With the amount of trolls posting on the Board, I decided that it would be a public service to the non-trolls to changes the trolls’ avatars to…well…trolls.

I passed this by some of the veterans, who thought it a Wonderful Idea.

Not that I expected accolades, but the trolls have not been kind. I think my favorite name I’ve been called is HOMObee. HA!

The thing is – I know who all the trolls are. However, a good administrator keeps their mouth shut. At one company I worked for I found 300mb of hardcore porn on a server buried deep in the user directory of the president of the company. The guy, at first glance, did not strike me as a porn hound. The pictures were buried so deeply, I thought for a moment that the server had been hacked and used as a porn repository. I did some checking and saw a few anomolies in the log. I decided to tell the Cheif Technical Officer. In the end, the president was a porn hound. This is the kind of secret that, no matter how much you wish you could tell, you keep. So, as much I dislike these trolls, I’m ethically bound to keep my mouth shut.

I don’t know if the other three administors are as scrupulous, but what they do is their business. All I know is that it gets mighty fucking dull writing polite response to the few dozen emails from people trolling (!) for hints as to who the trolls are.

But the gettting shit all over protecting some assholes identity makes it all worthwhile.

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In Which Another Cycle Begins

March 23rd, 2004 No comments

The Board is in another cycle of stupidity, marked by a plethora of aliases, hate and spite. Oh, boy. :roll:

The last time this happened over whether or not The Improper Bostonian acted in a racist fashion by excluding black comics from its list of up and coming comics. I think the thread went something like fiften pages. In the end, I locked the thread which caused an even bigger shitstorm. Suddenly, I went from ineffectual to fascistic. Quite a leap! But Hitler was a bad painter and wound up ruling Germany and killing a lot of Jews. So I guess power isn’t necessarily a static thing. This, combined with a denial of service attack that effectively crashed the site and the board, made for one of the least relaxing vacations I’d ever had.

A reprise of the same race-y argument happened a month or so ago, but everyone behaved themselves, which surprised me. Perhaps I’ve still got a shot at ruling Germany. Don’t worry, though, I like Jews.

I remember talking with Rick Jenkins, owner of The Comedy Studio and, by default, the Board. He said the Board was like the Mafia in that every couple of months a gang war had to erupt and blood had to be spilled. Had I only paid attention in Anthropology, I might have started a study called “A Thin Line Between Laugh And Hate – The Habits Of Boston Comedians.”

Or not.

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In Which I Help Mel Gibson With His Next Project

March 18th, 2004 No comments

Mel seems to have tapped into a trend that he’d be foolish not to milk. The Passion of the Christ II seems out of the question due to the ending of the first one.

Where can Mel go after this?

Given that extreme graphic violence in the name of religion sells like sweet rolls at an auto de fe, I’d like to suggest the following -

St. Sebastian

Lots and lots and lots of arrows slowly and lovingly piercing the skin.

St. Teresa

St. Teresa might be a little risky, but what’s Mel about if not risk?! What red-blooded audience wouldn’t want to see a nun moan in (religious) esctasy for two and a half hours!

Joan Of Arc

It’s been done, but it shouldn’t be ruled out. I’m not sure that Luc Besson really captured the expirience of charred skin peeling off the bone.

The Spanish Inquistion

Now HERE…HERE is the movie for Mel! It’s got everything! Gory battles, fabulously painful torture, just a hint of rape and…Jew Killing! Yes! Of course, Mel wouldn’t explicitly condone the violence, but, boy, oh, boy, would he get off filming it! And the audience? I’m laying book that whatever The Passion of the Christ does boxoffice-wise, The Spanish Inquisition will double that!

No charge, Mel. I’ll get my reward in Heaven.

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In Which I Hide Under The Table

March 17th, 2004 No comments

The 24-page booklet that accompanies the Criterion Collection edition of Felini’s 8 1/2 quotes the director’s autobiography in which he tells the story of coming up dry as he prepared to make the film. “… the film I was going to make had fled me. There were sets already up, but I couldn’t find my sentimental feeling.”

And I feel just about the same.

The challenge given to me is to incorporate the following words or phrases

Wardrobe malfunction
Bootylicious
Extreme makeover
Gigli
Give it Up!

in this post and for the past 24 hours (24 pages, 24 hours…you see the synchronicity building) I’ve run through at least 24 (!) different scenarios to fulfill the challenge. All of them, however, hack.

Hack is a tough word to define. In the comedy circles I travel in, the definition leans towards tired or overused premises or just plain awful comedians. Several guides spell out what Hack is, such as the Hack FAQ and the Black Hack FAQ. I mulled over the reason why I couldn’t get started on the post when I realized that every word in the list was hack. In my world, every word/phrase in the list is a punchline and a bad one, at that. And all of them are said with a smirk.

Wardrobe malfunction – this turned hack about a week after the Super Bowl. The rest of the country hung onto it far longer than comics did. My own joke, which I only got to do once, went – “When the groundhog sees Janet Jackson’s nipple, it means six more weeks of winter.” The worst thing about this phrase is that it begs not only for air-quotes, but for a pause before and after speaking it To wit – “…and then came the (2…3…4) ‘wardrobe malfunction’ (2…3…4) and the next thing you know The Passion of The Christ is number one at the box office.”

Bootylicious – I’m a white guy and I would never consider using this phrase. Ever. Black people might have a shot at pulling off the necessary irony required but even Will Smith would shudder at the thought.

Extreme makeover – Personally, I’d like this whole trend go a little more Ayn Rand, where after the makeover, you destroy the creation because it (he, she, the apartment, whatever) is so perfect that the populace cannot fully appreciate it. Plus – death/destruction = ratings.

Gigli – In the eighties, it was Ishtar, which is actually a pretty funny movie. I spent most of the 90’s raising children so I’ve no idea what the touchstone for lousy was. Honestly, I’m surprised it hasn’t become an adjective.

Girlfriend 1: How was your date last night?
Girlfriend 2: Very Gigli
Girlfriend 1: Bummer.

Give it up – Some phrases have been around for such a long time you don’t even think about them.

Given this challenge, I’m sure even Fellini would have said “L’inferno con questo! Cesso dei film per sempre,” and found a nice glass of spumante in a cozy bordello.

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In Which I Become Defensive and Boring

March 15th, 2004 No comments

Sex with a stranger and “go fuck your mother”
Firing bullets one after another
Drag off a cigarette, smoke as it stings
These are a few of my favorite things

I smoke. I enjoy smoking. Go smoking! As a matter of fact, I may just go out and have a cigarette right now, since I’m trying to figure out where to go with this post. You see, one of the benefits of cigarettes is that it gives you time to stop and think. Wrestling with a thorny segue way? Go have a smoke and all will most likely become clear!

Ah! That’s better! That really hit the T-zone!

Despite the fact that every single fucking child, including my own, tells me how bad smoking is, people are still horribly concerned that children don’t understand that smoking is bad for you. If I had a dime for every time a child told me that smoking was bad for me, I could buy a LOT of cigarettes. Maybe even a few nice aged Dunhill cigars. Yum!

So what do we do with these idiot children? How do we keep them away from demon nicotine? Stop them from seeing smoking, right? Well, let me smoke indoors again and that will cut down on it.

I’m sorry. That was glib and unconstructive.

Stanton Glantz provides a more constructive action plan. Smoking in a movie garners that movie an automatic R-rating. See, kids emulate what they see. They see someone smoking, they’re going to smoke. They see Jews crucifying our Lord, they’re going to convert to Judaism and crucify our Lord. It’s a direct cause and effect. They see someone lying about weapons of mass destruction, they’re going to lie about weapons of mass destruction.

Stanton (and stop you’re sniggering, he can’t help what his parents named him) is no zealot

“No one is saying there should never be any smoking in the movies,” Glantz, a professor of medicine at the University of California, San Francisco, said Tuesday at a press conference at Hollywood High School. “What we’re simply asking for is that smoking be treated by Hollywood as seriously as it treats offensive language.”

Offensive language? Stanton, what the fuck are you talking about? Why pick on swearing? I’d be more concerned about the bullet going slow motion through the back of someone’s head or the opening (money)shot of Betty Blue than about some flip and possibly gratuitous use of the word “cunt” (which, oddly enough, Microsoft does not recognize as a word, because Bill Gates is a ____).

The proposal includes an exception for historical figures who actually smoked as part of their public life, Glantz added. “For example, if they wanted to make a movie about Winston Churchill, they could show him with a cigar without triggering an R rating, but the number of movies where that actually happens is very small.”

Yes, Stanton. Only Churchill and a handful of historical other figures smoked.

Oh, god. This is going on too long and I need a smoke.

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In Which They Make Soup

March 11th, 2004 No comments

wassshump

“Baby? What the heck are you doing?”

wassshump

“Whuh?”

wassshump

“I said – what the heck are you doing?”

wassshump

“Whaddya mean what’m I doing? I’m getting the clam chowder out of the can.”

wassshumpwassshump

“Well, baby, it looks like you got most of it.”

“Yeah, but I ain’t got all of it. This ain’t just any can of clam chowder. It’s Wolfgang Puck’s Clam Chowder.”

wassshump

“Wolfgang…?”

“Puck” wassshump “Wolfgang Puck! Don’t you know anything?! He presided over the kitchens at Spago, fer cryin’ out loud!”

“Well, I don’t know about Spago or any Wolfman, but it’s gonna drive me crazy if you keep whumppin’ that can like that.”

“WolfGANG not Wolfman! Jesus-”

“Don’t you dare take the name of the Lord in vain.”

“Cheese ‘n’ crackers, ya dumb b-”

“And don’t you use that word, either. I told you about using that word. It degrades women and I refuse to be a victim.”

“What I was tryin’ to say was that Wolfgang Puck was responsible for bring nouvelle cusine into popular mainstream American culture.”

“And so now you can buy it at the A&P?”

“No, no, no. It’s just that…he’s a master of…Aw, heck! I can’t explain it to ya. Ya wouldn’t understand.”

“Well, you could try.”

“Naaaw. It ain’t your fault. You just don’t understand some of the finer points of culture, that’s all.”

“Now don’t you start goin’ down that road! That’s yer mother talkin’ and I didn’t marry yer mother so I don’t have no use hearing from her.”

“I know, honey. I’m sorry. All you need to know is that Wolfman Puck is a master chef and now he’s got a line of ready to eat products that -”

“Ya mean – WolfGANG! Hee-hee!”

“Wolf – awwwwwww, heh-heh! Now ya got me doin’ it!

“So yer saying it’s real good chowder.”

“And pretty expensive. Five bucks a can.”

“For that little bitty thing?”

“Mmm-hm. That’s why I’m whumping away so hard.”

“Huh…Ya know…you could add a little milk or water and swish it insteada whumping it.”

“Guess I could, but that would dilute it and I don’t wanna thin it out.”

“Hm. Well, then…whump away, baby! Lemme give you a lil kiss.”

“Love ya, honey. Why don’t you break out the good bowls and…and maybe light a few candles while I get this heated up.”

“Sure thing, Wolfman.”

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In Which You Can Buy Anything At The Mall

March 11th, 2004 No comments

I must say – I’m impressed. The Arsenal Mall used to be kind of a shithole, but they’ve really classed the place up. Marshalls, Gap, Old Navy, Victoria’s Secret, Hallmark, NikeTown. KB Toy and Hobby is leaving, but good riddance to them. I’ve already written about the greatest store ever opened, Trend. It looks like it’s still going strong.

But the best thing you can buy at the Arsenal Mall isn’t even in a store. It’s on a Cart. It’s “Fine Art”. You’d love to have it on the wall of your living room, or (even sexier) your bedroom. Grrrrrrrowl!

Have you guessed? Can you tell?
You wanna leff

Happy Easter!

Titties!

YES! It’s paintings to remind you how you fell in love watching the movie Scarface! $80 framed! These lovely and compelling prints look almost like paintings if you don’t stand too close. Imagine how popular your home will be when you hang on of these in your bathroom! Kids love it! Moms love it! Kids absolutely ADORE Tony Montana. Grandparents, too!

$80 framed! Or, if you’re on a budget $14.99 on eBay.

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In Which I Sing My Little Jaunty Song Of Hate (Vehicular Version)

March 10th, 2004 No comments

Sung frequently while driving to an unspecified tune, but reminiscent of Steve And Edie

HEY! (Bada bada)
Go fuck yourself
Ms. BMW minivan
Get off the phone, you stupid bitch
I’ll run you off the road (bada bada)

HEY! (Bada bada)
You stupid cop
Are those Nstar guys on prison detail?
Standing there with your thumb up your ass
Keeping pylons safe (Bada bada)

HEY! (Bada bada)
You stupid fuck
Slower traffic to the right of the road
You’re unsafe at any speed
Oops! I shot your tire out (Bada bada)

HEY! (Bada bada)
Fed Ex cocksucker
Double parking in front of my car
Maybe I’ll get some gasoline
And set your cargo on fire (Bada bada)

Usually, about this point in the song, my kids tell me to stop swearing so much and be nice to the other drivers. Then I tell them they’re walking home. School pickup and drop-off is the best part of the day

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