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In Which I Write An Open Letter To Bryan Fischer’s Producer

March 4th, 2013 No comments

Hey buddy!

Y U keep deleting my comments on ur fb page, huh? Oh. Right. Because pointing out egregious lies and innuendo makes me anti-God. Sorry about that!

See, it’s just that the Jesus that I grew up with had this weird thing about the truth. He was for it. So when your boss, Bryan, ejaculates into Focal Point the mic about how gays and Muslims will allow NO dissent WHAT…SO…EVER and then goes on to praise CPAC for not inviting Christ Christie to the hate rally because he’s not ideologically pure enough…well, the Jesus I grew up with calls bullshit. And, even though I no long believe in Jesus, I haven’t stopped believing in the truth. I still have a fondness for him in my heart despite your efforts to turn him into a gun-totin’, libertarian he-man who punches fags in the mouth and sucker punches liberals.

You left a sweet response to someone saying that my accounts were only created for harassment.  Given that, let me tell you a quick story about this other guy who people found harassing.

Seems that in “olden days” these businessmen were in the public square doing what businessmen do – business. So this freak comes up and starts yelling at them to get out and they’re like, “DUDE, CHILL. We’re just doing business here like we always have. What’s your problem??” And the freak says, “you guys are in my dad’s house and he doesn’t like it” and the businessmen are like “DUDE, stop harassing us” and the freak starts screaming about truth and duty and honor and the businessmen are like, “whatever” so they leave.

I’m not gonna lie. I enjoy debunking your bullshit. There IS no biblical mandate for marriage in the Bible and the only reference you can come up with is a passage about divorce. That’s called a lose. You’re pulling your hair out because you think the Emergency Manager Law in Michigan acts as the precursor to the fascism. You’re right. And when I point out that the governor and legislature that enacted that bill both pay allegiance to the GOP, you delete and ban me. When I make a completely factual statement that if you obeyed the 9th Commandment your show would be two minutes long – you banned me. When you post a “prayer” asking for God to

“Remind us not to be alarmed when we hear of wars and rumors of wars, of nation rising against nation, of kingdom rising against kingdom, or when we hear of famines and earthquakes in various places” and then start pissing yourself because Iran might have a nuclear weapon, you’re acting like a fucking idiot and you deserve to be called out on it. NOT to harass you, but to help you see this little thing that Jesus called “the truth”.

And the truth is that you’re a fucking idiot. Any rational reading of the Bible runs counter to pretty much everything you say.

But it’s more than just your idiocy. It’s your blatant cowardice. To wit –

Grant us courage so that we may be willing, if necessary, to be persecuted and hated because of you.

Now you’re saying I’m harassing you…let’s even say persecuting you. This prayer make you look like a whiny little douchebag that plays with dolls. You’re asking God for the courage and then immediately go into your Chris Crocker impression crying LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOOOOONE and furiously pounding the delete key.

Did I call you a douchebag yet? Damn, I did.

Here’s the thing – you claim Jesus hung on cross in unbearable pain to make you clean. Man up and start acting like he gives you strength instead of running away like the little bitch-boy you are.

In Which I Present An Example Of How xtians Talk Out Of Both Sides Of Their Mouths

February 16th, 2010 No comments

You know – I realize that I tend to shit on xtians here. Let me again remind you that xtians aren’t Christians. Christians believe that Jesus died to save the world from sin. They believe that He walked among us calling for peace, love and tolerance, healing the sick, and telling people not to act like assholes.

xtians believe that Jesus believed in free market economy, that the poor (especially the non-white poor) were leaches and fuck the sick. xtians lie through their stubby teeth ground down from years of gnawing on the bones of the suckers who donate money to their mega-churches.

Most, but not all of them, suffer from a psychosis that renders them incapable of seeing the world anything less than a festering pit of sin that God will destroy because everyone in it (except them, of course) sucks. Sure, when backed into a corner, they’ll claim that they, too, need salvation.  But they don’t really mean it. They know God really likes them best and the rest of us will roast.

In the movie, True Romance, Christopher Walken (as a crime boss) has an amazing scene where he tells Dennis Hopper about the 17 pantomimes that every liar plays. That kept going through my head as I listened to Tony “Not The Gay Guy That Killed Janet Leigh In Psycho” Perkins sound so unbelievably since in his agreement with Obama that the country needs unity.

HUH? Perkins who spouts the most miserable characterizations of the President of the United States (remember, dissent is no longer treason anymore) agrees with him on something.  That just can’t be true! Well, listen for yourself!

1 – Agree That Unity Is A Good Thing…Well…Civility

He’s so reasonable! Kind, calm, thoughtful. He agrees that Obama seems headed on the right track. However, no sooner does he say that then the pivoting starts. “Unity” can’t be achieved since…well, Obama is a scumbag that wants to destroy America BUT if we change “Unity” to “Civility” it’s kind of the same thing so he still agrees with the POTUS.  He’s just a man that loves God on an island reasonableness stuck in a stinking sea of Satanists.

2 – Put Yourself On The Defensive

He still agrees that Obama’s call for Unity Civility only helps the country. Notice how in this part how he continues this “hat in hand” bit. Yes, the democrats won the election. He’s an American. He believes in democracy. Oh, yeah, and civility. The US used to be a Godly country and now it’s run by…well, maybe not Satan but at least his advance guard. Perkins knows that in this new America sooner or later, Christians will get their throats cut because believing in God is “controversial”.  “It’s ok,” he assures us.  He “gets it”. I love God. The US hates me.  No biggee!

3 – Be A Uniter Not A Diviner

Tony Perkins, during his time in the House, got along with everybody! Just because he believed in God and everyone else didn’t…that didn’t mean that they all couldn’t hang out together. Why? Because he doesn’t hate. At all. Yes, homosexuals want to rape children in bathrooms. Yes, the only reason that we have AIDS is because gays and Democrats aren’t shipped off and quarantined from 10% of Americans that go to church regularly. Yes, the fictitious “homosexual agenda” runs our schools teaching our kids to like homosexuals rather than beat the living shit out of them the way they deserve. And, yes, gay people (with the help of Obama) want to pass laws that will make heterosexuals get divorces and force them to marry gay people. BUT – he doesn’t hate them. He prays for them. What’s so bad about praying for a group of people that want to destroy the American way of life and kill God? Answer: nothing.

4 – Trust But Villify

Ok, with Perkins’ “God is Love” bona fides, firmly in place, it’s time to re-affirm that Obama’s basic message of Unity Civility can be gotten behind. However…Obama still likes that homosexuals that that want to destroy the American way of life and kill God and even wants to help them. That’s a problem. And it shows up in the way he poo-poos and twists the meaning of  the good work that xtians want to do in Uganda with killing gay people. “Oh, you silly gays and liberals”, he intones, “we…errrr…the Ugandans don’t want to kill gay people. They simply want to kill any gay person capable of killing an innocent person because of their gayness. See, only gays have AIDS. When gays have sex they transmit AIDS. A lot of times to children…poor orphaned children! AIDS kills people. So whenever a gay guy (because it’s never lesbians with these folks) has sex, he’s killed someone, which is to say, he commits murder. So Obama condones murder and…well…how can you reason with someone that does that?”

5 – Logically, It’s All His Fault

Using the above, Perkins, rather abandons the “hat in hand-aww-shucks-we’re-the-underdog” posture and passive-aggressively weasels his way from the oppressed to the victor. You can’t be civil with someone who supports crime.  It’s a helluva trick considering that last step.

6- Civility Is Absolute Bullshit With The Godless

This is a brilliantly fucked up sentence – “When you have the conflicting world views, you are not going to be able to resolve those simply by calling for civility. Now, again, we treat each other with kindness and speak out of love…”

This is where a dictionary comes in handy:

Civility: Courteous behavior; politeness.

Hm. Kindness and love almost sound like civility. But it can’t be civility. Because in order to have a civil discussion about homosexuals, Perkins says, “you have to drop the truth” about murderous homosexuals raping children, destroying America and trying to kill God and “friends, that…will…never…work.”

Now. Go back and play the first clip again where he talks about “Unity and Civility” as a “laudable goal”.

Why did it take Perkins a week to get around to talking about Obama’s prayer breakfast speech?  Because the shit that he spewed is so complex, targeted and evil that it took that long to write.

In Which Tony Perkins Hates Alaska, Hawaii And Muslims

November 13th, 2009 No comments

two_tonys

When I talk of Tony Perkins here, I don’t speak of the gay actor that dressed up in his mother’s clothing and killed Janet Leigh in the shower. Nor the actor who played the closeted photographer in Mahogony. When I talk of Tony Perkins, I speak of James Dobson’s bully boy and head of the Family Research Council. Tony is a capital-X Xtian who, I’m sure, if it wasn’t for those pesky “government laws” would have no problem killing his kid, as God urges you to do in Leviticus. He knows that God doesn’t like gays, that abortion is murder and that God forgave Sen. David Vitter for hiring whores to dress him up in a diaper so there’s no need to contest Vitter’s re-election bid. All of this is to say that, while he may not suck dicks, he’s a dick and he sucks.

Tony (the not gay one) bleats about the important issues of the day and why liberals will go to Hell on Washington Watch Weekly. While most shows fill the average listener with dread over what a theocracy might look like NOT GAY people like Tony Perkins (the not gay one) in charge, this past week’s points out just how fucking insane Dobson and the crew are.

It’s been proven by xtians that once upon a time in America there was no crime, no drug, no pre-marital sex, no gays, all wars were just wars and people only voted Republican. It was a simpler, better time because only xtians lived in America and you could beat the shit out your child without fear of prosecution.  To that end, xtians love looking backwards. Even to the extent that they favor dictionaries from 1912 and rely on previous drafts of state’s constitutions to prove that God created America.

This past Wednesday, the country celebrated Veterans’ Day. Tony did, as well, by flying a very special flag.  This flag represents a time when Americans believed in America and compassion for the enemies of America simply did not exist.  We gunned them down in cold blood, pissed on the dead and Jesus laughed, laughed, laughed. It’s a flag that flew over Pearl Harbor before the filthy, yellow Japs bombed it.  Which means it only has 48 stars.  Which means it doesn’t represent the whole country.  Which means that, mercifully, all the darker skinned Americans of Hawaii and Alaska get shunted aside.  God Bless (most of) America!

Tony (the not-gay one) knows that among Jesus’ wonderful messages, His message of helping your fellow man stands in the center of it.  One way to help your fellow man is, when they knock up their girlfriend in high school, to force them to have a child they’re not mature enough to raise.  In doing this, you ensure the child gets neglected and (hopefully) beaten.  Why? Because not only will the child want to get the hell out of that house and joined the Army, but when they do, they’ll already be battle hardened.  Some “Pro-Lifers” (at least pro-American lifers) praised the Stupid Stupak amendment to the rapidly toothless healthcare bill for making sure that xtians wouldn’t go to Hell because they paid for a girl to abort their daddy’s baby.  Tony (tngo) knows you have to cruel to be kind and that allowing the bill to become law means victory for the harbinger of the End Times, Barak Obama.  After all, you don’t need health insurance if you live your life in accordance to biblical principals.  What’s the point of Stupid Stupak amendment when the more important goals are 1) to actively work against the President of the United States and 2) let the people who don’t live their life by following biblical principles to die.  Yes, God is Love and sometimes love means killing that uppity bitch that refuses to do what you tell her to.

Lastly, as the Conservative Bible Project plans to make clear, Jesus was NOT a liberal.  When Jesus said “fellow man” he didn’t mean everyone. He meant (in the original Aramaic) “like-minded people” or, in the parlance of today’s vernacular “NOT TOWELHEADS.” Tony doesn’t truck with “intellectuals” who “think” and “analyze” and rely on “political correctness” and “other people” to inform their decisions. So, when a Muslim like Nidal Hassan opens fire and kills 13 at Ft. Hood, Texas, the way to make sure this never happens again is clear: kick the fucking Muslims out of the US Armed Forces.  Now.  Didn’t this same thing happen 6 years ago?!  Don’t you people get it?! Do you not see a trend?!  As most xtians, will tell you – when you become a Muslim you take an oath to kill as many Americans as you can. We are the enemy.  To hell with all this “diversity” and “inclusion”.  Letting Muslims into the military de facto means more dead American soldiers on the soil of our glorious homeland.

Do you think Jesus wants to see that?  Tony Perkins doesn’t.  But then again, he doesn’t like to acknowledge the 49th and 50th states of the Union, either.