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In Which The Teabaggers Brag About The Great Big Shiny Nickel They Got

May 17th, 2010 No comments

“Hey! A big piece of tin foil! Am I lucky or WHAT?”
Pee Wee Herman

This is one of my favorite lines from the original staged version of the Pee Wee Herman show. And if you haven’t seen it, then stop reading this and find it by hook or by crook. It’s a wonderful funny and real moment, capturing the joy and innocence of being a kid (albeit one that jerks off in movie theaters). I remember getting giddy finding a stash of rubber bands lying around and spending the next 3 hours working on my rubber band ball. I loved that feeling – the feeling of accomplishing something absolutely pointless, useless and selfish that did nothing to benefit society in any way shape or form.

Hey. Wait a minute. That sound like the teabaggers! “Hey! A big piece of hubris! Am I lucky or WHAT? Last week we had four people show up to protest BIG BROTHER trying to keep our food supply safe and this week we have FIVE people! WE’RE A MOVEMENT!” As any good ad-man knows if you even have one new person that shows up at an organized gathering, even to gawk, you can de facto say that the movement is growing. Nevermind the fact that you had to bus people in from out of state to make it happen (this after to you condemned ACORN for…um…bussing people from out of state). It’s all good fun until somebody loses an election.

I understand the paradigm. Really I do.  When I start pushing triple digits on this blog, I start getting…well, I get excited. However, I’m not claiming I have a hope in hell of changing public policy and that at some point in time the numbers will drift downward.   It’s called “facing reality” and the teabaggers, like Pee Wee Herman get big pleasure in small things…and then go and jerk off in theaters.

What have they got to crow about? Take a look!

You can see the power of the people in the results from our fundraising drive for Conservative Republican Sharron Angle’s campaign to Defeat Harry Reid.

While Reid and other establishment candidates get their money and funding from lobbyists, special interest groups and big corporations, we here at the Tea Party Express have asked individual Americans to step forward and help give Sharron Angle a fighting chance to get her message heard.

The response has been overwhelming.  You simply won’t believe it unless you see it with your own eyes.

Take a look at the list of people who have contributed $100 or more in just the past 5 days and see how we are using real grass roots power to take our country back!

Hm. Asking individual citizen for small amounts of money so you can avoid corporate lobbyists? I’m not sure but I think I’ve heard of that strategy before. But when? No matter, I’ll figure it out.

Still – an overwhelming response? Man! Good for you! That’s just great!  You guys must’ve really cleaned up. If Michelle Bachman’s opponent in the 2008 congressional race picked up a cool $438,000 for a congressional race in 24 hours, I can just imagine how much you guys came up with in 5 days.

Oh. I forgot the last part of the email

We have a long way to go to reach our goal for this $150,000 Money Bomb by Friday evening.  If you can support this fundraising drive with a contribution of $100 or more contribute  – HERE.

You didn’t reach $150,000 in five days? That’s just $30,000 a day.  And what a “money bomb”? And you’ve still got “a long way to go”? Um…being pathetic in front of your base is NOT a good way to sell your ideology. Still, they put a brave face on. I won’t bother to reprint the names of the 301 people that, over course of five days (aka: 60/day) contributed $100 or more since the teabaggers already did that.  What I will print is just how much these brave, brain damaged patriots coughed up.

$35,359

Seriously. As they didn’t print the final total, I guess they have some self-respect, although not much.

$35, 359. That’s a little over a fifth of their “money bomb” goal. Even better – They didn’t even get money from all 50 state.  Most notably and hilariously – Alaska!

Think about that for a second: No money came from Alaska. None. Or at least not in a chunk bigger than $99. Follow my logic on this

IF no money came from Alaska
AND Sarah Palin, the current Heather of the teabaggers, comes from Alaska
THEN Sarah Palin is too cheap/greedy/opportunistic/avaricious to give back to those who give to her.

Which, I guess makes sense because that’s what the teaparty comes down to – getting the rubes in the door, fleecing them and kicking them out of the street.

In order to reach their Friday goal they’ll have to scrounge up $29,000 a day. Given that about 84% of the donations were the $100, they’re gonna have to do a whole lot of teabagging to catch up. I guess they could try to get Sarah Palin to do a fundraiser for free but we all know that that’s not going to happen.

Oh, and if you’re curious about the 9 dollars – that’s because Gerard from Alameda, CA sent in $189. I’m guessing he kept that other $11 for overhead.

That’s what Dick Armey would do.

In Which The Placement Of Sarah’s Jacket Provides A Metaphor For Teabagging

February 8th, 2010 No comments

Quick quiz:

You’ve just spent $57,000 to buy the jacket Sarah Palin wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge”. What do you do with it?

A: Give to your wife as a Christmas present
B: Resell it
C: Put it in an unused bathroom
D: Hermetically seal it and keep it at Iron Mountain

The answer is, of course, C.  Which is pretty hilarious.

To hear the teabaggers speak of Palin, you’d think that owning her jacket might come close to owning an artifact of some saint – like one of Mother Theresa’s ovararies. But, instead, motivational speaker and xtain, John G. Miller, spent $57,000 to throw it in an unused bathroom.

Sarah’s Jacket

Hardly a place of honor or respect. In fact, as Miller points out, “I hope that someone doesn’t wash their face and dry it on the jacket!”

Let’s make sure we understand the set up – John G. Miller, father of seven kids, spent $57,000 to buy Sarah Palin’s jacket. It fits his wife “perfectly” but she won’t wear it. Maybe she doesn’t like red. Who knows? Either way, it’s taken out of commission as something useful. It’s been robbed of its purpose. It’s not even special enough to take care of. Instead, it hangs silently in a bathroom, something to take a look at while you’re shitting out today’s lunch. Even a book of bathroom jokes conveys more utility on the owner than Sarah Palin’s jacket. He doesn’t even care enough about it to put it on display in the living room when his wingnut friends come over to pray for God’s removal of Obama from office.

“Hey! What’s that?!”
“Sarah Palin’s jacket. The one she wore on the cover of “Goin’ Rouge.”
“Wow! That’s really inspiring!”
“She’s got such great ideas and I really admire her”

The jacket, like the teabaggers, exists as, literally, an empty suit. It’s not useful. It contributes nothing.  It means nothing. It doesn’t show devotion to the cause. Instead, like those who ponied up $400-700 just to show up at the “convention” it simply says “I’m rich enough to be part of a grassroots movement of ‘ordinary’ people.”

It’s placement in the bathroom says the jacket means shit.

In Which Joseph Farrah, Jim Schneider, Vic Eliason, Brannon Howse and Ingrid Slueter May Rape Puppies

August 11th, 2009 No comments

First off, I have no idea if they do or not.  I can’t see into their souls or know what they do when no one is looking.  And if it’s true, I’m sure they wouldn’t want anyone to see the kind of shocking immorality personified by having forced sex with little tiny dogs.  One wonders how you would go about such a thing.  Would you have to tie them down?  Would you drug them first so they were docile?  I really can’t answer these questions.  No can know for certain if the founder of World Net Daily and the on-air staff of Crosstalk America, a Christian radio talk show, engage in the kind of acts that Jesus would most certainly frown on.  But no one can rule it out, either.

Can they?

After all, the halls of Christian broadcasting lie littered with the remains of the fallen – Baker, Swaggart, Haggard – you know who they are.  Circumstantial evidence would suggest that if you make your living broadcasting your love of Jesus that there’s a high probability that you hide some deep, filthy secret that at some point in time will come out.

To be clear – I’m not accusing them of sadistically and brutally violating cute, fluffy, innocent, cuddly puppy dogs for base, sick, sexual gratification.  I said up front – I don’t know if they do.

Still, I call upon them to devote a segment of Crosstalk America to address these possibly damaging allegations – to give them to proper airing and vetting that they demand of…say…the President of the United States.

You see, Crosstalk isn’t actually a Christian radio show.  I used to give them benefit of the doubt.  No longer.  They morphed into a political extremist group singularly focused on overthrowing the American government and replacing it with a theocracy similar to that of Iran.

When you allow so-called “journalist” Joseph Farrah to spout the most irresponsible lies and half truths about the President of the United States, you have left the realm of humanity.  And, as Crosstalk will tell you, once your morals go, anything is possible – even puppy fucking.

Here are few of the myriad pieces of filth that Farrah spews

  • There’s evidence that Obama’s grandmother is his mother
  • Obama may not actually know his true relationship to his family
  • Obama probably did not write either of his books
  • Maybe it’s a co-incidence that Hillary Clinton “who’s in succession for the Presidency” just happened to travel to Kenya
  • Farrah will not trust the Director Of Public Health’s confirmation of Obama birth certificate – he needs to see it himself
  • Every Kenyan believes that Obama was born there and that should be proof enough that he was

I’m trying think of another time in which a political figure was accused of not being the mother of her baby and people condemned the rumor as baseless and proof of how low the political process had sunk.

Oh yeah.  Sarah Palin. To even suggest impropriety in that case got the torches of the religious right burning and the nooses looped.  Of course, it wasn’t up them to prove that it wasn’t true.  The accusers had to prove it was true.  Sarah was too demure to get her feet dirty answering such spurious charges.

So, Crosstalk Staff, where the hell do you come off insisting that the President of the United States respond to shit that you fling at him?  Really – is this the biblical way to act?  Does Jesus condone the kinds of lies and whispering that you give voice to?  Is your faith in God so weak that you will not trust in God’s plan for us? Do you honestly believ that it is incumbent on YOU to bring down a democratically elected official?  Do  you hate America that much?

Once more, I have no proof whatsoever that Farrah and the staff of Crosstalk are anything other than garden variety hypocrites whose zeal causes them to forget the teachings of the God they profess to believe in.  Apparently, though, you don’t need proof to make conditional statements – “they may,”they might”, “it’s possible”, “evidence leads me to believe that”, “it’s within the realm of possiblity.”

Thus, I call on Joseph Farrah, Jim Schneider, Vic Eliason, Brannon Howse and Ingrid Slueter to take to the airwaves and spend the hour assuring me, personally, that, despite baseless claims to the contrary, they do not rape puppies.  Furthermore, they need to take calls from the listeners – I’m sure they’ll have some questions.

Note: I have never understood those who said they felt physically sick listening to something.  I know do.  I literally almost threw up listening to this show.

In Which You Can Change Your Mind About A Girl

December 28th, 2008 1 comment

Via Right Wing Watch’s post about the WSJ’s piece about Sarah “16 Minute” Palin you can find out about bush as “The Dark Knight” but, even more amusing, Palin is actually Margaret Thatcher!

Funny!

Level 1 Funny: The title of the piece is “Conservative Snobs Are Wrong About Palin”.  Given that true Buckley conservative power brokers (you know, the ones that would get her into the White House) wouldn’t be caught dead drinking domestic beer or living in Alaska, the title truly sounds like…well…putting lipstick on a pig.

Level 2 Funny: John O’Sullivan makes a big deal quoting these “snobs” as saying Palin is “no Margaret Thatcher”.  I don’t pretend to be totally jacked into the political grid but this was a new one on me.  So, off to Google where a search of palin “no Margaret Thatcher” netted a paltry 959 hits.  By contrast, bush “the dark knight” nets 2.8m+.  Nothing like using an example that no one cared about to begin with.

Level 3 Funny: I’d like to posit that sexism is a form of snobbery.  By denigrating a woman with terms like “sweetie”, “baby” and “puppy lips” a man effectively negates a woman’s power.  Oh, and using the term “girl” does the same thing.

Second, Margaret Thatcher was not yet Margaret Thatcher. She had not won the 1979 election, recovered the Falklands, reformed trade union law, defeated the miners, and helped destroy Soviet communism peacefully.

Things like that change your mind about a girl….

Really?  A “girl”?  The head of Great Britain should be referred to as a “girl”?  A vice presidential candidate should be refered to as a “girl”?  HI-larious!

Level 4 Funny – Faulkland War!!

Leve 5 Funny –

Though regularly pronounced sick, dying, dead, cremated and scattered at sea, Mrs. Palin is still amazingly around. She has survived more media assassination attempts than Fidel Castro has survived real ones (Cuban official figure: 638).

Wait – let’s keep our heroes and villains straight here.  Palin=Castro?  BWHAHAHAHA!

Level 6 Funny:  Admitting defeat

But she has plenty of time, probably eight years, to analyze America’s problems, recruit her own expert advice, and develop conservative solutions to them. She has obvious intelligence, drive, serious moral character, and a Reaganesque likability. Her likely Republican rivals such as Bobby Jindal and Mitt Romney, not to mention Barack Obama, have most of these same qualities too. But she shares with Mrs. Thatcher a very rare charisma. As Ronnie Millar, the latter’s speechwriter and a successful playwright, used to say in theatrical tones: She may be depressed, ill-dressed and having a bad hair day, but when the curtain rises, out onto the stage she steps looking like a billion dollars. That’s the mark of a star, dear boy. They rise to the big occasions.

WHOA!  Back up!

“But she has plenty of time, probably eight years…”  Eight years?  So, you’re ceding that Obama is a two-term president and you’re screwed for 2012?  NICE!  Obama hasn’t even been sworn in and you’ve given up.

That’s kind of snobby, isn’t it?

In Which Sarah’s Plain And Small

September 12th, 2008 1 comment

I’ve watched the two clips that ABC released of the [sarcasm] monumental [/sarcasm] interview with Sarah Palin and, gosh, maybe it’s my liberal bias but I don’t see anything that makes me think that (unlike Jamie’s mom) she’s got it going on.  In fact, it’s pretty goddamn scary.

One scary part is how ABC News parcels out the interview, making it next to impossible to quickly and easily find all the parts on their website.  Or why they’d want to cut it up to begin with.  Perhaps the McCain Cabal felt that by restricting her appearances to 2-3 minute clips, the full weight of what a cynical choice they made might be blunted.  That said, I’ve finally found a 9min clip dated 9/12.  I’m not going to link to it just so you can have the fun of finding it yourself.  As it stands, the fuzzy placard at the end of each of the…um…minisode announcing that Charley did an interview with Palin and be on the lookout for more, strikes me as almost sub-YouTube.

Palin’s answer to “are you ready to be the president” really should send chills up and down the spine of every American.

I answered him yes because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can’t blink.So I didn’t blink then even when asked to run as his running mate.

Wow.  Let’s do a little metaphorical skit.  Sarah Palin applies for a job at Cirque du Soleil

CDS: So, Governor Palin, have you ever done any tightrope walking before?

Palin:  No.  No, you betcha I haven’t.

CDS:  So, why would you be a good tightrope walker?

Palin:  I would be a good tightrope walker because I am confident that once I get up there, I’m not gonna fall down.

CDS: But, you have no real qualifications.

Palin: The local middle school put on a circus and I went to go see that.  I’m confident that I can do it.

CDS:  You’re hired.

That wouldn’t happen.  And yet, the ‘Licans are more than happy to have a VP that recently said that she hasn’t been following Iraq.  How do they get away with this stuff?  If Biden said something like that, the so-called “liberal media” would have him for breakfast.  Palin, though, gets Charley Gibson sitting across and pretending to ask Hard Questions (TM).

On the God question, she quickly and clunkily pivots her position right before our very eyes.  When asked about the performance at church in which is called The War (TM) a task from God, she hems and haws until Gibson asks her if, by deploying to Iraq, her son is embarking on a task from God.  “I don’t know if the task if from God, Charley.”  Let’s remember that the church video wasn’t years and years ago – it was three months ago.  That’s a pretty short time to turn your back on a task from God.

There are plenty more nuggets to mine, but the day job beckons.  I’ll leave off with a chipper lil fun fact courtesy of Sarah.  Did you know that Alaska is “the only arctic state in our union”?  IT’S TRUE!

Be very afraid.