Archive for the ‘Christians’ Category

In Which This Should Be A No-Brainer

February 24th, 2017 No comments

All 240 Family Christian Stores Are Closing

Really? All of them? Man, God must HATE them, huh?

Stop and think about what had to have happened here. If you listen to Crosstalk America or Focus on the Family, you probably know that Christian businesses are the most moral and best run businesses around. Capitalism is inherently moral because God is a capitalist. God wants you to get His message to the public, not only that but to becomes wealthy off of His heavenly merch table. Best of all – no royalties! Quote the bible? Free of charge! Got a new interpretation of the inerrant Word of God (the next apocalypse prediction is August 2017)? There are literally tens of thousands of people willing to pony up $14.95 plus shipping and handling to find out what God really meant when he said [insert bible quote here]. Golden calves are bad unless you can mass produce and turn a profit off of them.

But Family Christian stores went bankrupt selling Jesus merch. Dunno if you know this but God destroys cities with giant fetus shaped hurricanes for displeasing him. You’d think he’d cut the followers a break and soften the heart of creditors. Especially the Christian ones.

But 27 Christian publishers, including InterVarsity Press, Baker, Charisma Media, David C. Cook, and Abingdon Press, objected to the retailer’s restructuring plan, under which the chain would get to own $20 million worth of items bought on consignment “free and clear,” without paying the suppliers.

“You think I’m giving you $20m of free shit? What am I? A charity? Are you a Sanders supporter or something? Look. I like you. God likes you. You’re a good guy. But if you think I’m giving you 300 copies of “Pray Yourself Rich in 30 Days” you’re outta your fucking mind! …Yeah, I know they’d sell. My company is making a profit. But right now, you couldn’t make a profit selling Bibles to born-agains. In fact…YOU HAVEN’T…Sure, the “Lord will provide”. I’m not worried about “The Lord” right now. I’m worried about the guy at the bank who gets cranky when we’re late on the interest payments from the OTHER loan we gave you…Yes, the Lord helps those who help themselves and right now, you’ve already helped yourself to enough of my business and I am NOT my brother’s goddamn keeper.”

Or something like that.


Categories: Christians Tags:

In Which All Xtians Agree With Pat Robertson

January 14th, 2010 No comments

Hey, remember a couple of years back when some miserable fanatics flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon? Remember how wingnuts and xtians used the occasion to blame all of Islam because, effectively, the president of Islam didn’t condemn the attacks quickly, strongly or believably enough?

By that measure, the measure which they hold other religions to, all xtians believe Pat Robertson 100% that Haiti made a pact with the devil. True story.

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it,” Robertson said on his Christian Broadcasting Network show. “They were under the heel of the French . . . and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’

“True story. And the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal,’ ” Robertson said. “Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

How do we know this is true? Because in the 24hrs or so since Robertson vomited out his “blessing in disguise” not one xtian group has come forward to condemn him or his outward presentation of schizophrenia.

Christan Newswire is the place where xtians (and sometimes Christians) go to unleash their messages of love for homos, liberals, minorities and the current president.  Want to know about some preacher planning to bury himself alive for three days so he can return with a revelation? This is the place to go. Concerned Women For America shows their concern for women by decry rape exclusions in abortion. The American Family Association keeps you updated on who to hate. Randall Terry releases statements that dead abortion doctors had it coming to them.

And all of them speak for God and God says Haiti made a deal with Satan.

I don’t know exactly how far gone you have to be to actually buy into that. Apparently, if you’re an xtian, not very far.

So why haven’t the condemnations of Robertson flooded Christian Newswire like Christ’s blood dripping down his body on the cross? Because you don’t call your rich grandfather a “fucktard”. The xtain community knows that Pat still holds a lot of power.  Wanna take over the 700 Club? Wanna even be a guest on the 700 Club? Keep your mouth shut and nod…even when Grandpa calls you by the wrong name and tries to touch you when no one’s looking.

This kind of sin of commission (yes, D, I know it’s usually Catholic) is the kind of thing Christianity frowns on.  All the more reason to call out fake xtians when they allow their “leaders” to denigrate the victims of tragedy fairy tales and lies.

Let me be clear – it’s not that xtians hate black people. They just hate people in general. After all, that’s what Jesus would do.

In Which Giving Your Life To Christ Doesn’t Make You An xtian

January 3rd, 2010 No comments

Xtians want you to believe that if only the Muslim president converted to xtianity, everything would be ok. He’d understand that Jesus would waterboard terrorists before putting two Godly bullets through their skulls. He’d get that personally killing pre-borns contradicts God’s laws. Jesus would lead him to the founding of the American theocracy that God created America for.

You see, they’re not hateful. They want the best for the other 80% of the population that is not totally fucking insane. All they want is for the rest of us to understand that America needs to be saved before God can destroy it in the Armageddon.


Converting to xtianity is not enough.

Apparently, Jesus doesn’t always save. It’s so confusing. Once upon a time, you turned your life over to Jesus and, BOOM, that was that. Past sins forgiven, milk and honey at the signing of the death certificate, moral clarity – in short, you, like the folks at Crosstalk, got a pre-approved ticket to Heaven. Guess not.

I’m not sure who gets to change the rules, but all signs point to Vic Eliason. Vic decided that just being xtian isn’t enough. Thus, even if President Obama converted to xtianity Vic still wouldn’t support him.

There’s really only one way that this works – Jesus can’t forgive all sins. If, after dedicating your life to Christ, your earthly judges (Vic, Jim and Ingrid, I guess) still find your soul tainted and wicked, then Jesus didn’t do His job very well.

Ok. I lied.  There’s another way it works. It works if Vic, Jim and Ingrid hold themselves pridefully above the rest of humanity in some special xtian skybox halfway between Heaven and Earth set up as Jesus’ hallway monitors. I’m a little rusty on my bible passages, but I’m sure they can tell me which chapter and verse gives them authority to judge the strength of someone’s faith.

Vic? Ingrid? Jim? Bueller?

Help me out, here.

Jesus Doesn’t Save

Caller: [I was asked] What if Obama had a conversion and got saved and became a Christian, what would your response be and my response sadly was, man, I’d start praying for him and asking God to protect him…

Sadly? Really? You’d be sad about an enemy of America converting from the dark side to the light side? I could have sworn that the a lost lamb coming back to the flock meant rejoicing. Boy! What a dumbass I am! It’s actually cause for regret and suspicion.

Still, Vic, as God’s Hallway Monitor, explains, after a conversion, it gets kicked up the chain of command to Vic, Jim and Ingrid. Only after they sign off on the new recruit, does God make the final judgment.  And, really, how can anyone know what God thinks. Maybe, Vic hints, God would kill the newly xtian Obama just to teach him a lesson.

Because, as stated earlier, Jesus can’t absolve all sins. Especially the sins of Socialism, Communism, Fascism, Saul Alinksy-ism and all those poor pre-borns that, had they been born, would have saved the Social Security system.

In Which PFOX Doesn’t Get To Bitch About It

October 6th, 2009 No comments


“Books about leaving homosexuality are censored in most high school libraries, although gay affirming books for youth are readily available,” said Griggs. “For example, Charlie Makela, supervisor of library services for Arlington County, Virginia public schools, rejected PFOX’s donation of ex-gay books although she accepts books from gay groups. Ms. Makela is also the chair of the ALA’s Supervisors’ Section of the American Association of School Librarians. Shouldn’t the ALA enforce its own diversity policy?”

Maybe I haven’t had enough coffee, but this is making my head hurt.

If I’m understanding this correctly, a group that would burn books about gays is petitioning their enemies to include books about NOT being gay in their censored book list because…it’s fair?  Isn’t that kind of like the Klu Klux Klan petitioning the NAACP to include The Turner Diaries or the 88 Precepts in its library?


In theory, sure, a banned book is a banned book is a banned book.  Free speech is free speech and books espousing racial hatred (like it or not) deserve just as much shelf space as book espousing homosexuality or french cooking or any of the bullshit that Ayn Rand vomited onto the page.  You need to know your enemy and that doesn’t happen by listening/reading to a synopsis written by someone else.  That’s how the “death panels” meme came about.   Rather, it happens by reading the miserably written The Turner Diaries or radical black sites or Al Qaeda or Army of God whatever.

HOWEVER – if you dedicate your life to demonizing and discriminating against gays then (and listen closely) you don’t get to bitch about imbalance and unfairness.

Because that’s your status quo.

Categories: Christians, Gay/Not Gay Tags:

In Which Joseph Farrah, Jim Schneider, Vic Eliason, Brannon Howse and Ingrid Slueter May Rape Puppies

August 11th, 2009 No comments

First off, I have no idea if they do or not.  I can’t see into their souls or know what they do when no one is looking.  And if it’s true, I’m sure they wouldn’t want anyone to see the kind of shocking immorality personified by having forced sex with little tiny dogs.  One wonders how you would go about such a thing.  Would you have to tie them down?  Would you drug them first so they were docile?  I really can’t answer these questions.  No can know for certain if the founder of World Net Daily and the on-air staff of Crosstalk America, a Christian radio talk show, engage in the kind of acts that Jesus would most certainly frown on.  But no one can rule it out, either.

Can they?

After all, the halls of Christian broadcasting lie littered with the remains of the fallen – Baker, Swaggart, Haggard – you know who they are.  Circumstantial evidence would suggest that if you make your living broadcasting your love of Jesus that there’s a high probability that you hide some deep, filthy secret that at some point in time will come out.

To be clear – I’m not accusing them of sadistically and brutally violating cute, fluffy, innocent, cuddly puppy dogs for base, sick, sexual gratification.  I said up front – I don’t know if they do.

Still, I call upon them to devote a segment of Crosstalk America to address these possibly damaging allegations – to give them to proper airing and vetting that they demand of…say…the President of the United States.

You see, Crosstalk isn’t actually a Christian radio show.  I used to give them benefit of the doubt.  No longer.  They morphed into a political extremist group singularly focused on overthrowing the American government and replacing it with a theocracy similar to that of Iran.

When you allow so-called “journalist” Joseph Farrah to spout the most irresponsible lies and half truths about the President of the United States, you have left the realm of humanity.  And, as Crosstalk will tell you, once your morals go, anything is possible – even puppy fucking.

Here are few of the myriad pieces of filth that Farrah spews

  • There’s evidence that Obama’s grandmother is his mother
  • Obama may not actually know his true relationship to his family
  • Obama probably did not write either of his books
  • Maybe it’s a co-incidence that Hillary Clinton “who’s in succession for the Presidency” just happened to travel to Kenya
  • Farrah will not trust the Director Of Public Health’s confirmation of Obama birth certificate – he needs to see it himself
  • Every Kenyan believes that Obama was born there and that should be proof enough that he was

I’m trying think of another time in which a political figure was accused of not being the mother of her baby and people condemned the rumor as baseless and proof of how low the political process had sunk.

Oh yeah.  Sarah Palin. To even suggest impropriety in that case got the torches of the religious right burning and the nooses looped.  Of course, it wasn’t up them to prove that it wasn’t true.  The accusers had to prove it was true.  Sarah was too demure to get her feet dirty answering such spurious charges.

So, Crosstalk Staff, where the hell do you come off insisting that the President of the United States respond to shit that you fling at him?  Really – is this the biblical way to act?  Does Jesus condone the kinds of lies and whispering that you give voice to?  Is your faith in God so weak that you will not trust in God’s plan for us? Do you honestly believ that it is incumbent on YOU to bring down a democratically elected official?  Do  you hate America that much?

Once more, I have no proof whatsoever that Farrah and the staff of Crosstalk are anything other than garden variety hypocrites whose zeal causes them to forget the teachings of the God they profess to believe in.  Apparently, though, you don’t need proof to make conditional statements – “they may,”they might”, “it’s possible”, “evidence leads me to believe that”, “it’s within the realm of possiblity.”

Thus, I call on Joseph Farrah, Jim Schneider, Vic Eliason, Brannon Howse and Ingrid Slueter to take to the airwaves and spend the hour assuring me, personally, that, despite baseless claims to the contrary, they do not rape puppies.  Furthermore, they need to take calls from the listeners – I’m sure they’ll have some questions.

Note: I have never understood those who said they felt physically sick listening to something.  I know do.  I literally almost threw up listening to this show.

In Which The Right Has Poor…Um…Control

May 27th, 2009 No comments

What’s in a name?  Kind of a lot, really.  Especially when you hold yourself up as a beacon of truth and justice.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made the mistake before.  In fact, I’m horrible with names.  For the longest time I was calling “David” “Keith” and I could only picture a friend of my wife’s as a blonde when she’s really a brunette.  So, perhaps I’m not really the one that should be talking about this.

But, then again, I’m not trying to bring down a Supreme Court nominee, either.

So when Mike “Mr. Bitter” Huckabee finds himself with such a massive erection over the nomination of “Maria Sotomayor” that he shoots first and apologizes later you have wonder if Mrs. Huckabee lives in a state of, shall we say, constant frustration.  See, “Maria” is a Mexican name and she’s a Mexican.  ALL Mexican are named Maria.  Makes perfect sense…if you’re a mindless fucktard with a BA in racism from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and you raised a son that kills dogs.  It’s an honest mistake to make for an xtian conservative to make.

Crosstalk America jumped on the bash-the-SCOTUS-nominee bandwagon, too, of course.  Apparently NOT legislating from the bench is just as bad a legislating from the bench.  So if the laws of New Haven, CT say a firefighter’s test is discrimatory and needs to be thrown out and the judge affirms the law – well, what does that say about how she’ll do on Roe v. Wade?  Despite the fact that she appears to have a balanced record when deciding cases.

A few shows ago, Vic and Jim chided the listeners for not doing their homework.  Apparently, too many xtians got the “Hate Crime” law mixed up with the “Hate Speech” law (xtian code for the Fairness Doctrine) and kept calling VCY for clarification like they were some kind of helpful experts or something.  To paraphrase – “We report – you decry.  If you’re too stupid to figure it out you deserve to listen to our show.”

Anywho – they, like Huckabee, rather than bother to check the name of the nominee they just called her whatever the felt like.  Maybe Jesus needed his hearing aid adjusted because they got her name wrong, too.

Perhaps America will get lucky and hundreds of thousands of xtians will call their senators telling them not to confirm Maria Solomayor and Sonia Sotomayor will sail right through.

There are so many better bloggers who can write from personal experience about how the political establishment still can’t come to grips with non-white Americans in the political system.  Anything I could say would just be a paraphrase of them so check out

Culture Kitchen

Jack and Jill Politics

The one point to bring up, though, is that non-whites are finally getting credit and recognition for what whites keep insisting they do – pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  Think back, for instance, the biography of Bill Clinton:  A poor kid that grew up in poverty, worked hard and became the President of the United States.  Inspiring, right?  Let’s start having the same sense of awe and appreciation for those who not only overcame poverty but a system that consistently favored whites over minorities.  Wingnuts love to go on and on about the evil of quotas.  They need to learn how to praise someone when they deserve praise rather drop back to their default position of “white makes right”.

In Which I Didn’t Know They Had Integrity

May 19th, 2009 No comments

I totally forgot about one of my new favorite sound clip from Crosstalk.  I have to admit that I don’t listen every day because I’m too busy worshipping Satan and searching for new commandments to break – I mean, it seems like there’s a whole lot more than ten out there.  Anywho – somebody must have done some pretty good trolling because all of the sudden the policy on calling in changed.  No longer will they pick up any old call, no, no – you must have a valid caller ID or they won’t even pick up.

Vic Explains The New Policy


My favorite part is “the integrity of this show depends upon it.”  Whuh?  Integrity?  Vic, you’re “integrity” is, for lack of a better word, shit.  Especially since you spent a fair amount of the first part of the show riffing on some black helicopter World Net Daily “article” about how the 2010 census is using GPS to map people’s front doors and how GPS was used in the Iraq to send missles through windows.  Of course, you assured people, you weren’t saying the government was planning on killing Americans.  Not American forces, at least, since Obama was “decimating” the military.  But if some force decided to invade America and had to locate a certain house, they probably wouldn’t know English and would have to rely on GPS to figure it out.  And since Obama had mapped all of the houses with GPS then what makes you think that he wasn’t working for…well…no need to say more.  As any lawyer knows, you don’t have to explicitly say what you mean to inflict damage.

Yes, Vic, among the sane and thoughtful, you’re integrity is like Ted Haggard’s butt – stretched and lax.  Remember that time you had the conversation with the guy that said that since homosexuals were immoral they couldn’t feel remorse and therefor could kill anyone they wanted to and not care?  A person of integrity would have at least challenged such insanity.  You didn’t.  A person of integrity wouldn’t allow a host like Ingrid to knowingly let a caller rewrite history

John Lennon Killed Immediately After The Bigger Than Jesus Statement

Rather, your integrity is like honor among thieves – it sounds good but it’s just not true.  They’re still thieves and by any objective standard, you still lie and, worse, enable others to lie through your silence.

In Which Xtians Should Be Waterboarded

May 8th, 2009 1 comment

I guess if you base your religion on the torture and death of an innocent man then you probably shouldn’t have a problem with torture and death.  Still, when 90% of your followers believe that waterboarding is ethical, then Jesus need to come down and kick some serious ass.

I’m so furious I can barely type.

In Which Todd Tiahrt Doesn’t Read People Magazine

May 8th, 2009 No comments

Just a little background – The Family Research Council is the political arm of Dobson’s Focus on the Family comedy club that Tony Perkins (not the dead, gay actor) runs.  Tony (not the dead, gay actor) puts out the Washington Watch Weekly podcast which tells the base who to hate and how much to hate them.  Thanks to the podcast I now know that abortion discriminates on the basis of “age, size and place of residence”.  I wish I was kidding.

Like most xtians, Tony doesn’t care about the truth and doesn’t expect his guests to, either.  They’re free to spout whatever egregious lies pop into their head as long as it advances their agenda.  In fact, at the end of the last weeks podcast, John Sununu, former governor of New Hampshire, railed against the legislature for legalizing gay marriage.  He darkly told the base that homos and liberals (and, please, sit down for this) used money to help candidates sympathetic to gay causes get elected!  Didn’t I tell you to sit down?  Yes, they used the American political process to advance their agenda which is just about the sleaziest thing a person could possibly do.  I’d feel badly but I’m too busy thinking about the Muslim kitties I’m going to have sex with after I finish this.

Todd Tiahrt (pronounced tee-hart and thank you Google for understanding what I meant when I searched for him) gave a bravura performance demonizing national healthcare by either 1) not listening to his wife during the passing of Natasha Richardson or 2) outright lying.  Let’s let Todd tell us a very scary story about how the Canadian healthcare system killed her.

A Very Scary Story

Now let’s hear what really happened.

On 16 March 2009, Richardson sustained a head injury, when she fell while taking a skiing lesson at the Mont Tremblant Resort in Quebec, Canada about an hour and a half from Montreal. The injury was followed by a lucid interval, when Richardson seemed to be fine and was able to talk and act appropriately. Paramedics and an ambulance which initially responded to the accident were told they were not needed and left.Refusing medical attention, she returned to her hotel room and about three hours later was taken to a local hospital after complaining of a headache. She was transferred from there by ambulance to the Hôpital du Sacré-Cœur de Montréal in critical condition and was admitted about seven hours after the fall. The following day she was flown to Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, where she died on 18 March.

Tiahrt wants you to beileve that the evil Canadians refused her healthcare.  Except that she initially refused treatment and she wasn’t Canadian so blaming the Canadian healthcare system is (and there’s really no other phrase for it) fucking retarded.

But, wait, Todd’s not done.

Not only does the Canadian system suck but the Mexican system sucks, too, because it “hasn’t been able to cope with this swine flu”.

Another Evil Story


Let’s think of the swine flu as ants in your house.  You see a bunch of ants nibbling away at (in my case) the mound of cedar wood cat litter that gets scratched out of the box and onto the floor.  So you grab a broom, sweep the litter and ants into a dust pan and dump the contents into a plastic bag.  You knot the plastic bag, sealing the ants inside, and then throw it in the garbage.  It’s called “containment”.  Thus, the number of ants are significantly reduced.  If you just left them to their own devices you’d soon have a house full of ants.

Given that the swine flu was projected to kill every living thing on the planet and that Mexico pretty much locked everything down, killing of tourism for a week or so, I think the Mexican healthcare system did a pretty goddamn good job of dealing with swine flu.

It’s also interesting to note that Todd stresses that healthcare is 15% of our economy.  So it seems pretty clear that Todd doesn’t care as much about who gets help as he does about who’s going to finance his re-election campaign.  So that he can continue to advance his agenda.

In Which Brannon Howse Is A Coward

April 30th, 2009 No comments

“The Obama administration is trying to install an ‘internet czar” (and it’s interesting because ‘czar’ is a Communist term and it makes a lot of sense they’d want to use it).”

If Brannon Howse is the future of Crosstalk (since Vic’s probably kicking the bucket before too long and, as previously stated, will end up in Hell) then the show will achieve levels of insanity that even David Icke never imagined.  He is a tin foil hat xtian.  Every single thing that the government does, meaning Obama, reeks of Satan and godlessness.  Everything.  Even Vic and company tread carefully on calling Obama “evil”.  Brannon revels in it.

His show today consisted of almost completely false information.  Brannon just plain old doesn’t think about what he says.  He’s not an idiot, so much as he has one topic and filters everything through it – “Political correctness is cultural Marxism”.  Yeah, I’m not really sure I get it either.  I think it means if you don’t say “God” at least twice in every sentence then you’re going to Hell and you hate America.  His shtick involves saying Marxism, Communism, Socialism and Fascism (as God) as often as possible.  It doesn’t matter what the topic is.  In the Crosstalk tradition, he doesn’t trust God or Jesus but relies on fear.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Brannon perfected perfect fear.  And his job is to scare the shit out of you.  For Jesus.

The leading quote is a perfect example of how xtians throw around words like baseball bats in a gay bar.  He just tossed off the parenthetical bit as after thought.  Such is the need to turn even the smallest word into a batttle field this brain seized on “czar”, doing a quick word association.

Czar >>Russia>>Commie>>Evil>>Obama

Does it matter that the” [blank] czar” came into use during the Reagan administration?  Of course not.  Does it matter that Communism kicked the Czars out of Russia, disqualifying it as “communist”?  Of course not.  Does it matter that, knowingly or unknowingly, Howse lied like…well…a liberal making that statement?  Very much.

So I called.

Also on my list of topics was

If the swine flu has only killed one person in the US and is getting brought back by Americans coming back from vacation, why do we need to close the border?  You want to keep Americans out of America now?

To set the record straight on the Hate Crime Bill

“Nothing in this Act, or the amendments made by this Act, shall be construed to prohibit any expressive conduct protected from legal prohibition by, or any activities protected by the free speech or free exercise clauses of, the First Amendment to the Constitution.”

I started with the commie thing.  [Note – this is a very rough transcription]

Me: Hey, you’d made a comment about the internet czar and how czar is a communist term.

BSH: Yes.

Me:  Well, I know that you want to trash the Obama administration by any means, but “czar” isn’t communist.  The communists overthrew the czar and never used that term.  It’s not true.  What you said was false. And –

BSH: Ok.  Well, maybe I was wrong.

Me: Yes, you were.

BSH: But it’s not a nice term.

Me:  It has nothing to do with communism

BSH: But it’s not a good thing.  Czar isn’t a word that’s about freedom.

Me: It’s a word that’s about imperialism.

BSH: But it’s still…it’s a –

Me: You can’t use it to smear Obama.  It’s like comparing him to…the British government or somthing.  It’s about as far from communism as you can get.

That last sentence got cut because Howse hates the truth and must, at any cost, never admit he’s wrong.  Because if he’s wrong listeners might start actually listening to the shit that spews out of his mouth and realize that, jesus-fucking-christ, the guy not only lies about everything but doesn’t come close to understanding his religion.

I could have sworn that part of Christianity promoted humility and correcting your mistakes.  You know, “honesty” and that bullshit.  It’s not, apparently.

Stop and think about it – I gave this guy fact and rather than humbly admit he’d gone over the edge, he argued with me.

Have fun in Hell, Brannon.