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In Which They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

April 9th, 2013 No comments

I’m on record as stating that Rick The Dogboy Santorum will be the 2016 GOP nominee should he decide to run. It’s his turn. At the heart of the GOP lies a rigidity to the rules that never does it service. Thus, since Santorum came in 2nd in 2012, he gets the nod in 2016 just as Romney (despite being the worst possible candidate) got the nod for coming in 2nd in 2008.

Ricky’s already spilling his political seed in Iowa, laying the groundwork for his dogged adherence (get it??) to some 12th century vision of a perfect world where no one is gay, sex is only for pro-creation and witch burnings happen every Tuesday in the town square.

“I’m sure you could go back and read stories, oh, you know, ‘The Republican Party’s going to change. This is the future.’ Obviously, that didn’t happen,” Santorum told the Register. “I think you’re going to see the same stories written now, and it’s not going to happen. The Republican Party’s not going to change on this issue. In my opinion, it would be suicidal if it did.

The Republican Party needs to kill itself. I think a lot of Republicans understand this. The real story of the Obama Presidency looks like how the GOP finally destroyed itself on its socially conservative rhetoric. It turns out that allowing gays to serve openly in the military didn’t bring about The Rapture. John and Jane Q. Public know that. Perhaps, when DADT still reigned, they thought it might. But it didn’t. It’s not that the Republican bosses lied to them about toads falling from the skies if DADT got lifted. It just didn’t happen.  Even Grandma and Grandpa Q. Public realize that, while it might make them physically sick (or aroused) to imagine the marital bed of two husbands or two wives, it’s really not their business and, anyway, that gay couple down the street always smiles and says hello.

Santorum and the other self-flagellators of the GOP represent the end of the line. Yes, the GOP as it stands today will continue to blather on about gays and abortion and God and guns. They may even damage the economy again with their instance that giving money to the wealthy makes they poor richer. But once Santorum and Rubio and Cantor get reverently tucked into their transports to Heaven and buried in the ground, this strain of legislating God’s Will™ via Republican policies goes back up to Heaven where it belongs.

The Religious Right had a really good run. They convinced otherwise sane people that God voted Republican and that Democrats only cared about the government financing their lifestyles of drugs, sodomy and bestiality. With the gay marriage debate and Sandy Hook, that script got retired. Say what you will about us, but Americans don’t want their children shot. If there’s a way to prevent that, we will find it. Anyone who gets in the way becomes a casualty. My guess is that any GOP House member that opposes some kind of gun control, no matter how mild mannered, will find a 2014 Democratic opponent plastering his face all over the district with the words “Child Killer” across his forehead. Any Democrat that doesn’t use a no-vote on gun control against a Republican opponent deserves to lose.

GOP: Background checks hurt our freedom!
Dem: So no background checks.
GOP: None!
Dem: So a terrorist operative can walk in off the street and buy an AR-15.
GOP: Er…
Dem: And a paroled murderer can pick up a Glock at a gun show and kill his prosecutor.
GOP: Um…
Dem: So no background checks.
GOP: Er…go back to Russia?

I used to think that its fiscal policies would kill the GOP and the Occupy movement would stir us up to reject this trickle-down bullshit once and for all. I’m not so sure anymore. Americans, while still overwhelmingly profess to believe in Jesus, find themselves looking at GOP social policies and asking, “Would Jesus really do that? Cuz I’m pretty sure that He wouldn’t.”

Organization like Christians Tired of Being Misrepresented have sprung up to reclaim God from the stranglehold the GOP put on Him. Their message is simple and clear – GOD judges, not the GOP.  They may consider America a Christian nation, but they understand that all Americans aren’t Christian nor should they be. In their paradigm, God gave his “children” free will. “Free Will” doesn’t not mean turning the Bible in House Bill #1. You make your choices. You die. God judges you.

Jesus, I’m told, died for my sins. I hope the GOP will, too, and whether that’s by suicide or crucifixion doesn’t really matter to me.

In Which I Write To Michelle Malkin

March 25th, 2013 No comments

Dear Ms. Malkin,

I was just reading the comments on your Facebook hatefest about Jim Carrey and I have a question. Before you answer, though, please read through a few

Joe Hebert- Hypocrites must absolutely hate the internet!!!
Faith Hisgen – I never liked carry anyway never saw a single movie he was ever in and would never want to he sucks as an actor … just makes me like him even less now!!
Pete Ayers – we the people put these filthy rich elitist scums where they are today and in turn they want to dictate us , screw you holly wood politicians ………

And, of course, my favorite

Frances Hollander – I’m so sick of Hollywood ignorance trying to ME what’s right!

Here’s my question – Are you actually proud that your job consists of throwing red meat to ignorant assholes that can barely put two words together, let alone turn those words into some sort of complex thought?

Almost every single comment comes to down to “FUCK JIM CARREY”. Personally, I find him annoying, but it’s one thing to say that and another to start a bonfire in the middle of the town square and to shout, “I THINK JIM CARREY  SHOULD BE THROWN ON THIS BONFIRE, DON’T YOU??”

I know you make a pretty good living as a hate monger. But do you ever look at your children as they giggle away at Ace Ventura – Pet Detective and wonder if it’s worth it?

In Which Marco Rubio Heartily Deserves The Mockery He’s Getting

February 13th, 2013 No comments

rubiohitler

It’s being called the “sip heard round the world”, which is kind of a stupid moniker, but apt. No one thought that anyone could outdo Michelle Bachmann for Worst Performance During a GOP State of the Union response, but Rubio pulled off the upset.

But all of this mockery, the wingnuts whine – HE WAS JUST THIRSTY! Why can’t you leave Marco ALONE?? That’s a great question!

There are a few answers:

– Lying comes with physiological side effects such as sweating and dry mouth. If you’re choosing someone who still has the trace of a soul, they might experience some of those. Liberals simply want to point this out.

– If wingnuts want to jump on every single mistake Obama makes and hold it up as proof of his incompetence, that’s a two-way street. Obama said “57 states” so he’s not qualified to be president? Perfect. Take you lumps and move on, lil wingnut. Better yet, STFU and go pay attention to your kids. They’re not going to beat themselves, ya know.

– It’s just really fucking funny.

The most important answer, though, is less obvious. Water-Bottle-Gate acts as a great metaphor for the GOP. They have no plan. They are not prepared. In short, they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. The GOP response to the SOTU provides a perfect opportunity to for the GOP to come out swinging – to bash that Kenyan, Socialist, Commie, Marxist, Islamo-Atheist where it hurts. Even among Democrats, there’s a lot to criticize. If you’re the opposition, this should be like T-Ball. What Rubio showed is that the GOP can’t even hit a ball that’s resting on a pedestal. Rather, they swing, hit the pedestal, the bat bounces back, the batter loses control of the bat and it smacks a five-year old right between the eyes leaving the kid brain damaged. Yes, it was an accident. Yes, it probably won’t happen again. No, you don’t get to walk away blameless.

And you certainly don’t make that kid the manager of the team.

Understand this – it’s not about the lies that Rubio spewed. It’s not about leading off with some bizarre pro-life message as the first point out of your mouth. It’s about the fact that the GOP could not properly stage manage possibly the biggest opportunity to talk to the American people. Wingnuts say it’s just a glass of water, a minor detail overlooked. That’s true. Guess what? Minor details are important. Kinda like having an exit strategy for wars you plunge the country into. Or thinking through the various attacks that might rise up if you choose to run ruthless, rudderless businessman for president.

There should be a protocol in place to deal with, say, the speaker needing a drink. Or going all flop-sweaty. There wasn’t. “Meh, Why should he need a sip of water when he’s addressing 10’s of millions of people?”

For his part, Rubio handled himself with the confidence of…a really bad confidence man. Rather than say, “excuse me, America”, take his sip of water, say “thank you” and continue, Rubio looked like a little boy trying to get away with shooting a spitball at the teacher…while the teacher was looking directly at him.

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And if it couldn’t have gotten any worse, the camera follows him down like some puppy dog saying, “OOOH! What’s he DOING, huh? What’s he DOING?! Is he gonna get a ball?? What’s he DOING??!”

With the advent of the teabaggers, the GOP, once reliable for its staid dullness and ploddingly deliberate actions, turned into some bizarre freshman high school reality show.

So, why don’t we leave Marco alone? Three words: You Built That.

(Here’s my own contribution to Rubio Tuesday)

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In Which The Gist Is More Important Than The Whole

November 8th, 2012 No comments

This may come off as bragging or it may come off as stupid, but, to the best of my knowledge,  I’ve never used Cliff Notes. I was drunk for most of my brief and abortive college career so it’s possible that that I took a Lit class without knowing it.  Perhaps it’s selective OCD, but if you’re going to read something, read it. While I was courting my bride, I remember feeling shocked and somewhat outraged to find that, as she sat reading Wittgenstein for her MDiv program, she was actually reading it.

“How many pages do you have left,” I asked.

“Like a hundred or so.”

“WHUH? I really don’t know how you do it. One hundred pages of that stuff? And you’re just ripping through it so quickly!”

“Oh,” she said, “you don’t have read every word. Just enough to get the gist of it.”

“B-b-but,” I stammered, “it’s a philosophical argument! The words are important!”

She patted me on the head like a cute but incurably stupid dog and continued reading.

YouTube, it needn’t be pointed out, isn’t literature. About 90% of it isn’t even art. One notable exception is “Chimpanzee Riding on a Sequeway.”

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 But I digress.

Now that the election is over, we can all go back to our normal, non-batshit crazy selves, take our fingers off the triggers, flip the safety on and put down the guns.

JK! It’s gonna be even more fucked up than ever. Prime example: ShellyMicAB.

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 I guess she chose her name because someone already claimed “CrazyDrunkenPsychoticMess”. I’ve listened to about three of the twenty-four mind numbing minutes of this and unless there’s some masterful stroke of rhetoric at the end, I’m not sure I need to listen to anymore. The shorter version goes like this

We lost th’ election! I’m drunk! I didn’t get my own waaaaaaaaay! Nobody watches my YouTube videoooooooooooooooooooooooooooos! If you had shared my YouTube videos Romney would be President. But, NOOOOOOO! you didn’t want to OFFEND anybody.”

I could probably spend a couple thousand words analyzing the nihilistic camera work but why bother?  [<—– Philosophy joke!]

The video itself doesn’t matter and is nothing that special. It’s typical whackjob ranting. It’s a somewhat subtle point, but there are two features that make this a perfect microcosm for the Wingnut-o-sphere.

The first one is obvious.

Comments are disabled for this video.

The second only pops up if, like me, you wanted to ask CrazyDrunkenPsychoticMess shellymicAB to have your rape baby and tried to send her a message to plead your case.

User shellymicAB has enabled contact lock. You will not be able to send messages to them unless they add you as a contact.

What does that tell you? That she literally lives in a bubble, firewalled from the outside world. And, honestly, I don’t have any problem with that except that she makes this statement repeatededly

…you didn’t want to OFFEND anybody

This kind of one-way communication nests almost exclusively in the Wingnut-o-sphere. “You will LISTEN to what I tell you and because it’s true, you are NOT allowed to point out my logical mistakes and/or outright lies.

Put another way, she doesn’t wish to be offended.

Maybe irony did die on 9/11.

In Which I Shamelessly Hack James Thurber

September 7th, 2012 No comments

The Secret Life of Mitty Romney

“President Romney!”

General Boykin’s voice sounded high and shrill as if fighting back the urge to cry or run…or both.

“Your report, General Boykin,” Mitty drawled, sounding as confident and nonplussed as Sheriff Joe at a pressconference. He knew already what the report said. Little people, as the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, pointed out needed a sense of accomplishment to function at even the most basic level and, if it didn’t cost you anything, why deny them that.

“As we suspected, Obama did NOT kill bin Laden properly and he has come back as the head of Zombie al Qaeda,” Boykin stammered. “And the homosexuals in our Armed Forces have all deserted! Sir! The situation is hopeless!” Hopeless. How many times had Mitty heard those words during his time at Bain? Hundreds? Thousands? And every time his response was the same: When life gives you bankruptcy, have the government pay for bankruptcy-ade and pocket the rest for profit.

He looked Boykin straight in the eye, not only because that was his way, but because of a fresh and growing urine stain spreading across the front of the General’s dress trousers. Even as far back as 2009, Mitty knew the truth: the man who usurped the White House was not a man but the Anti-Christ the silver plates warned of.
Mitty felt no need to harden himself to give the command. He’d been hard since the day he first put on the magic underwear.

“General Boykin,” Romney said gravely, “bring me the suitcase and get the Soviet president on the phone.”

“Y-yes, sir,” Boykin groveled, turning on his heel and almost slipping in the puddle of urine at his feet.

Romney leaned back in his chair, silently praising Heavenly Father for the coming nuclear apocalypse and hearing the moist footsteps of the general as he marched down the hall… ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa…

“Mitty!”

Mrs. Romney’s shrill bleating shook him awake.

“Are you going to sit dreaming away in that car elevator all day long?!” She shook her head in disgust. “Bain Capital, indeed! More like the bane of my existence! Get out of that car this instant. Those people want to know what they should shred next and I’m not going to do everything around here, mister!”

Mitty sighed, nodded, shook the sleep from his eyes and slid out of the car. He recoiled slight as Ann raised her hand to him and scurried off under her scornful gaze. He slowed his pace as he strolled the well-manicured path to the guest cottage, marveling at the Mexicans skill with a hedge trimmer. For some reason no one could even come close to the Mexicans when it came to lawn care. And how clever he had been to pay for skin lightening and plastic surgery! Not only did they almost look white and therefore not suspicious as illegals, but also he’d convinced them that they needed to pick up 80% of the cost of the procedures! So, although he was out $5k per Mexican, he paid them about a dollar a day once their paycheck was docked and they couldn’t be hired anywhere else since they didn’t look Mexican!

He chuckled to himself as he leaned on the fence of the dressage course, watching Ann’s horse, Rafalca, getting put through her paces and enjoying the rhythmic sound of its hooves on the soil… ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa…

“President Romney!”

Donald Trump’s voice sounded high and shrill as if fighting back the urge to cry or run…or both.

“What’s the situation, Donny?,” Romney drawled sounding as confident and nonplussed as Rick Santorum coddling a still born baby. Trump had been a disappointment as Secretary of the Treasury. He’d expected the Grecian redecorating complete with fountains and marble columns but the red velvet…that was a little much. And his tendency to overstep his bounds (flying of to get into a fist fight with the Soviet president, for instance), while admirable, left a sour taste in many people’s mouths. The slot machines in Social Security offices and other government buildings did seem to be raking in the dough. “We give them the check,” Trump trumpeted, “ and they give it back us before they even leave the building!”

“Ron Paul took the board of the Federal Reserve hostage and barricaded himself into my goddamn office. And if there is even a nick in one of those marble column, just one nick, he’s gonna wish that -“

“That’s enough, Donald,” Mitty said, laying a hand on his shoulder. “First, let’s get everyone out alive.”

Mitty rapped smartly on the door to Trump’s office causing a rat-like squeak from inside.

“IT’S THE JEWS,” Ron Paul shrieked. “I KNEW THEY’D BECOMING AFTER ME SOME DAY! I KNEW! DIDN’T I TELL YOU? DIDN’T I TRY TO TELL THE WORLD!!!???”

“Ron,” Mitty said in an authoritative yet friendly voice, “It’s the President, Ron. You need to let those board trustees go.”

“I CAN’T! THEY’RE MY ONLY DEFENSE AGAINST THE JEWS TRYING TO DESTROY ME! AND THE BLACKS! THE BLACKS AND THE JEWS! THEY SENSE MY POWER AND – “
Mitty looked at Trump and shook his head, circling his finger around his ear and making a crazy face.

“Ron,” he jovial called out, “I understand what you’re saying. Those hooked-nosed hebes can’t be trusted. If they can kill our Lord and Savior, they’re capable of anything. That’s why I’ve had all the Jews removed from Washington.”

Trump’s face reflected the shock and horror of what sounded like unrepentant anti-Semitism. But Romney winked at him and made the “shhhh” sign.

Paul’s voice lowered slightly.

“All of them,” he asked hopefully.

“Every last one, Ron.”

“B-but what about the blacks? They’re almost as bad!”

“You don’t have to tell me that, Ron. Why do you think we kept those jungle savages out of the church until 1969?”

Trump grinned over at Mitty, but Mitty’s face looked etched in stone.

“Don’t you worry about the blacks, Ron. I’ve got my people working on it.”

Paul sounded unconvinced and began to drum his fingers on Trump’s desk… ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa…
“MITTY!”

Mitty’s elbow slid off the fence railing, nearly causing his giant chin which had been resting in it, crashing into the railing. He stumbled back trying to get his bearings as he faced his wife.

“Oh. Hello, dear! I was just…just…”

“I know what you were doing Mitty Romney and it had nothing to do with supervising the shredding which must be completed by the close of business today which, I might remind you, is now only forty five minutes away!”

She stared him down like Tony Perkins at an Abercrombie and Fitch store until, cowed and contrite, he continued on to the guest house where several young Mormon campaign staffers sat quizzing each other on the Book of Mormon.

“Governor Romney!” they chirped, springing to attention.

“Brothers,” he responded absently.

“Sir, we’ve organized the documents into different categories. Taxes, Bain, your governorship, the Olympics and a pile for everything else.”

Mitty shrugged indifferently.

“Shall we turn on the shredder, sir,” they asked nervously, sensing his ambivalence but understanding the gravity of the task at hand. You didn’t cross Mrs. Romney.

“I guess,” Mitty yawned, stretching his hands over his head.

Caleb, the older of the two, flipped the switch, setting gears of the industrial shredder into motion… ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa…

“At last we meet, President Romney,” the man in the dull, drab, olive uniform resplendent with medals greeted him with a threatening formality. “I am Leader of Soviet Union.”

In Which A Corner Seems To Have Been Turned

June 1st, 2011 No comments

What wingnuts want (and xtians and radical muslims, too) more than anything else in life is to rule the world. So strong is their belief in the correctness of their world-view that everyone else has the obligation to kill themselves or convert.

Before going on, let me explain why liberals aren’t on the list. Liberals are cats: they do what they want, when they want and regardless of the desire of the other cats. For that reason, liberal fascism is an oxymoran. (And, yes, I misspelled that on purpose.)

Teabaggers are a slow lot and for that reason, technology scares them. But, like cavemen discovering fire, they eventually get less scared and figure out how to harness it. Judson Phillips over at Tea Party Nation figured out that sending out an email every three hours with a scary subject line such as “USA RIP” and a body that reads something like

America died today. It no longer exists. What happened to America? Click here to find out.

drives up his web traffic and thus his sales of “Teabagging for Dummies” and Ayn Rand pacifiers.

What’s the point of all of this? Read about it here!

The ever entertaining Christian Newswire recently delivered the following press release.

DES MOINES, Iowa, May 31, 2011 /Christian Newswire/ — Tea Party News Brief, LLC is the nation’s first nonpartisan news service for the Conservative Movement with an animated news show with news anchor, Ava. The Tea Party News Brief now provides daily news alerts on www.Twitter.com/TPNewsBrief. (Emphasis added)

Hopefully, you spotted the anachronism.

What does this mean? I emailed Dr. Jessica Davis to find out.

I’m having trouble understanding this. Are there now partisan factions within the Conservative Movement? And if so, what are they?

Surprisingly, she wrote back.

Thank you for your question. The premise is that both Democrats and Republicans are involved in this 21st century Conservative Movement.  We have common ground, the core beliefs identified on www.TeaPartyNewsBrief.com. The mission of @TPNewsBrief is to provide nonpartisan information so our citizenry can make educated decisions versus being told what to think. We have very few legitimate news services any more. Our mainstream news services are clearly partisan. We can do more together. We can hold more accountable for their decisions if we work together.  I invite you to follow us on twitter and the website for a full understanding of what we are trying to do as a new source of nonpartisan conservative information. I hope this is helpful. (Emphasis added)

Really? Democrats are involved the Conservative movement? Maybe I’m running with the wrong Democrats but I’ve yet to hear one call Obama a socialist. Or compare him to Hitler. Or to claim that he’s from Kenya.

Once upon a time, say, three years ago, the “Tea Party” stood for fiscal responsibility. Or so they said. To that end, good for the Tea Party. It quickly became a front for anti-Democrat and anti-Obama demagoguery. Tea Parties rapidly filled up with racist and Nazi paraphernalia.  Ask a teabagger why they weren’t pissed off about government waste during the bush administration and they won’t and can’t answer you.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time trying to rationalize how you can have “non-partisan” news about the “conservative movement”. I keep coming up short. Reagan’s 11th Commandment “Thou shalt not speak ill of any Republican” consistently gets in the way. Reagan, as the father of the modern conservative movement, would not allow non-partisanship. Take this clip from the GOP’s 1984 convention

Her comment about having “very few legitimate news services any more” piqued my interest. So, I asked

What is regarded as a legitimate news service

She responded in a Sphinx-like manner. That is, if the Sphinx were actually a hologram that you could see through and looked like Sarah Palin

If you follow the tweets, you will see that a news source is a source that provides the facts not commentary as if it is fact. If we provide commentary, we try to make it very clear that we are providing commentary. News is what, where, and when?  If you have enough information, you can make your own conclusions.

Dr. Jessica Davis

P.S. I challenge you to analyze the next news program you see with this criteria and tell us what you conclude. Are they providing news or commentary? If they provide commentary, is it presented clearly as such?

The answer to “What is regarded as a legitimate news service?” contains actual new services rather than some vague statement of condemnation for the “lame stream media”. It seemed obvious that straight answers and non-partisanship don’t mix. Ever the optimist, I wrote back.

My question was – what do you consider a legitimate news source.  Are you doing original reporting? If not, which new source will you rely on to be factual?

Can you guess her response? Can you? I bet you can’t. Come on. Click that PayPal button, drop in $5 and bet me that you know her response.

Thank you for your inquiries. This is our last individual response to you at this time given the limitation of our time. However, I again invite you to follow us on Twitter and www.TeaPrtyNewsBrief.com. As you already know, the best news is going to the source directly. Again, we have appreciated your questions tonight.

Shit. I owe you $5.

Given that my audience appeared ended, I threw in the towel

Thank you for not answering my question in a factual and straight forward manner.

NOTE: I would, in the interest of non-partisanship, like to point out that I spoke with the Dr. Jessica Davis the theologian and NOT Dr. Jessica Davis who is in manure management.

In Which Jesus Is Not An Objectivist

April 20th, 2011 No comments

[Note: The audio version of this will be available sometime soon on The Pod Delusion. Thanks to Salim Fahdley and James O’Malley for that.]

The impending release of the film version of Atlas Shrugged reminds me of one of the lowest, darkest and most desperate periods in my life. Actually reading Atlas Shrugged.

Looking back, I realize that I fit the social demographic perfectly – I was emotionally retarded.  Just out of high school, friends with a lot of girls but with no girlfriend and having turned my back in mild defiance of Christianity, I desperately searched for some reason to explain why I always wound up on the losing end of things when I felt as if I gave so much. 21st century me now knows that I was simply an enabling co-dependent with low self-esteem and the solution lay in the halls of Al-Anon, a therapist’s office and perhaps some serotonin inhibitors.

20th century me, however, grabbed for the biggest, longest and most unwieldy book I could find to make me not feel stupid. At that point, it could have been any book, but it turned out to be Atlas Shrugged. During the summer of 1980 I devoured every line and possibly even masturbated to the image of sharp-featured, dominatrix Dagny Taggart. I knew nothing about objectivism  or Ayn Rand or what a miserable human being she was. All I knew was that, finally, I found good, concise, well-reasoned reasons to tell the rest of the world to fuck off.  I was, at last, better than everyone else.

And I’m terribly, terribly sorry for that.

If, for some unknown reason, you plan to see movie version of Atlas Shrugged, it’s important to arm yourself with this key fact – Rand was a loser who wrote books for losers. Objectivism isn’t so much about strength as it is about not being perceived as weak.  It’s about BIG talk and BIG ideas and BIG actions that can only exist in a self-deluded world of fiction where silly things like “fact”, “logic” and “the laws of gravity do not exist.

Which is another way of saying it’s the perfect Republican bible.  Or would be if Republicans didn’t already have a bible.  But they do. And it’s called “The Bible”

And the two books simply cannot co-exist in the same philosophical space. Sorry.  Just can’t happen. It’s like matter annihilating anti-matter – it ends in an explosion of stupidity and schizophrenia, which, now that I think about it, is the current definition of the Republican party.

If you’re unfamiliar with either books, here’s a brief synopsis.

The Bible: Book one –  God makes everything. He tells the Jews they’re the chosen people and to obey him. They don’t.

The Bible: Book Two – God takes a different tack and decides to rule by guilt. He kills his son, a nice young man who tells us to love each other and help the poor, and condemns us to Hell if we don’t continually thank him for that. And then the world ends.

Atlas Shrugged – The world is going to hell, so all the smart people leave and set up their own cool kids club in a magical pristine canyon that nobody can find. They live happily ever after never having to care about poor people or clean up after the mess they helped create.

Notice any areas of dichotomy there?

Jesus –  And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go [and] sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come [and] follow me.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Gimme some loaves and fishes and everybody eats

John Galt – If you think you’re getting any of MY food, think again, leech.

This is why America is so totally screwed right now – Right-wing Christian teabagging Republicans have the ideological hots for an amphetamine-addicted, atheist adulteress.  The party that damn near closed my government down because women shouldn’t have the right to abortion because God don’t like it reaches for the Viagra when they read Atlas Shrugged. The party that whines about gay marriage as an affront to God has no such problem when it comes to Ayn Rand. The party that spits on me because I’m not Christian swallows when it comes to Ayn Rand.

After all, I’m not the one that said “Faith is the worse curse of mankind, as the exact antithesis and enemy of thought.” That was Ayn Rand

In Which The Key To Credibility Is The Prefix “Ex”

April 4th, 2011 No comments

Yesterday, I watched a clip of Louie “I Used To Be A Judge” Gohmert embarrassing himself by yelling at Anderson Cooper about Terror Babies. (HT to Beverly Russell)

What are Terror Babies? Generally, the term refers to other people’s children but in this case it refers to the babies of Muslim Extremists who travel to the US for the express purpose of giving birth in the US so that the child gets a US passport. After that, and I’m totally making a guess here since Gohmert doesn’t seem to know either, the proud, evil parents strap a bomb onto the new born and blow up a New Horizons day care center.

How does Gohmert know this? Because an ex-FBI agent told him. Which ex-FBI agent? Apparently, that’s none of our goddamn business. Does the FBI actually believe this? According to a statement given to CNN, no.  But it’s true because an ex-FBI agent to him.  Did Gohmert actually talk to the FBI about it? What’s the point? “On 9/10, the FBI would have said the same thing about an attack on America.” Which is true because the FBI deals mostly with domestic stuff. It’s the CIA that released the “Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in US” info that bush ignored.

Speaking of the CIA – Now another ex, this time an ex-CIA agent, the vaguely foreign sounding Kent Clizbe, has written a hard-hitting article for NewsMax with the damning title of Ex-CIA Operative: Obama Never Properly Vetted. And when I say “article” I mean “poorly written and reasoned piece of shit”. BUT. He’s an ex-CIA agent so it’s gotta be true.

This power of this kind of PWARPOS rests in the presumption that the reader a) believes the premise and b) won’t actually read the PWARPOS since if they did they’d dismiss it immediately. The outline goes like this

  1. Trust me, I’m an ex-CIA guy and I can sneak up on ninjas.
  2. I have vetted people in the past. EXECUTIVE people. In the private sector.
  3. I vetted a tea party candidate and found out he was a scumbag. Hm. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
  4. A lying, thieving scumbag in the private sector isn’t the same thing as having a president who’s a lying, thieving scumbag like we have now.
  5. The media went NUTS vetting everything about John McCain.
  6. Obama was not vetted properly because he got elected.
  7. We need a professional vetter to make sure Obama never gets elected again.
  8. Commies are evil.

The slight of hand happens in these two back to back paragraphs:

In the 2008 presidential election, candidates were vetted by the press in varying degrees. The media examined, analyzed, and publicly evaluated them. They explored in detail John McCain’s personal wealth, marriage, place of birth, mental stability, and other important issues. McCain cooperated, provided documents, and answered questions.

On the other hand, Barack Obama’s background remains nearly a blank slate. His school records, from kindergarten to law school, remain hidden. The story of his financial support is hidden — his private elementary and high school in Hawaii, his international travel, his graduate and undergraduate tuition and living expenses, and more. And these are just the beginning of the Barack Obama vetting failure.

Who vetted McCain? The media. Who vetted Obama? I’m not going to tell you that but they didn’t do a very good job. What criteria did the media use to vet McCain? Everything. What criteria did this non-existent vetting organization use to vet Obama? A completely different set of criteria. Did McCain cooperate? Yes. Did Obama cooperate? Obviously not because the lying thieving scumbag get elected.

How does someone who wrote an autobiography qualify as a blank slate? How, when you use the information he provided in the autobiography against him, does he qualify as a blank slate? And who the hell would want to read an autobiography that included a chapter “My Kindergarten Records” or “Filling Out My Financial Aid Forms For Harvard”?

The most disturbing aspect of attempts to vet the mystery candidate was the Obama camp’s vigorous response. Their stereotypical response is nearly as damning as any information that could be revealed: Admitting nothing, denying everything, and making counteraccusations, the vetting of candidate Obama continues.

Good point. bush still hasn’t properly addressed his military service or the issues of his drug use. Obama did. In writing.

In the end, Clizbe believes we need a professional vetter. Who is this person? Do we create another layer of federal bureaucracy, increasing the size of government and bilking the tax payer out of his paycheck? Or do we subcontract the job out to some non-partisan company like Blackwater/Xi.

Oh! I get it. We should hire Kent Clizbe!

In Which Brannon Howse Lies Through His Teeth

June 25th, 2010 No comments

If you’re just an ordinary person trying to scrape by and don’t ‘t have a lot of time to check things out for yourself chances are good you find your “experts” and believe whatever they say. Despite the fact that Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council has a “good friend” that hires whores to dress him up in diapers, you’ll still believe Tony Perkins when he says don’t give money to left-wing, gay, socialist politicians. Despite the fact that Rush Limbaugh called for any drug abusers to go to jail, you’ll still forgive when he abuses drugs. Are there examples on the other side? Of course there are. But since the evangelical right never acknowledges their mistakes until someone holds their feet to the fire, then why should I?

The whole basis for the evangelical right (and I’m trying very, very hard to maintain some semblance of civility right now) is “truth”.  Not just “truth” but “biblical truth”. And not just “biblical truth” but unerring “biblical truth”. According to them only one “right” exists in the world. If you even acknowledge a second option in any question then you’re practicing “moral relativism”.  And that’s bad. Really, really bad.”  In their world, big-G God has one answer and one answer only. Of course, it depends on which sect of Christianity you belong to as to what that answer is. It’s simpler to quote their philosophy with a quote from David Mamet. “The other guy’s cigar always sucks.”

It’s that philosophy that allows them to hate the rest of the world and to decry “worldly things” simply because big-G God doesn’t, in their non-morally relative view, endorse them. Thus, they can decry mega-churches “diluting” God’s word in order to put butts in the seat while begging for money to keep their radio stations on the air. To put it another way – one side makes money from the folks who say “God is love” and the other makes money off the folks who say “God will destroy those who say ‘God is love'”.

One of the best ways to make someone believe something is through humility. Let me rephrase that. One of the best ways to make someone believe something is by listing all of the sins someone else is guilty of in the greatest possible detail and then saying that you don’t do those things.

Example:

There are a lot of ministers who, once the lights come down in the 10 million dollar mega-churches built with the money bilked from useless sheep that flock to their clarion call of sedentary salvation and moral relativism, think nothing of strangling little tiny baby kittens, freshly from their mothers womb and smearing their blood all over their faces. It’s not something I would ever do. Do I sin some times? Sure. We all do. We are of the flesh. I’m not holy. How can I be? But does that mean I can’t speak out about people strangling little tiny baby kittens, freshly from their mothers womb and smearing their blood all over their faces? No. It’s important that we do.

Another way is to tell your own sheep that if you’re ever wrong, all they need to do is bring it to your attention and you’ll apologize. Something along the line of this –

Beat Up Brannon Howse

That’s pretty straight forward, right? “I make a mistake, the Christian thing to do is admit, not make the same mistake and move on.” But built in to that statement comes a paradox. You worship someone because you believe they’re infallible. If you believe they’re infallible, chances are good that 1) you’re not listening terribly close 2) if you find some inconsistency then you’re hero is no longer infallible and 3) who has the balls to spit in Superman’s face. Because of these things, Brannon Howse can make these kinds of statements with 95% certainty that his audience will quietly accept what he says with even more docility than before.

What’s implicit in that statement is that it only applies to those who agree with him. He will only apologize to those who buy into his “world view”. Everyone else can, literally, go to Hell.

Proof – Of course!

Some quick background. Religious conservative and wingnuts in general love to point to Obama’s use of “czars” as proof that he’s really a communist.  In this paradigm, everyone who’s ever taken a bath is a Christian because you dunk yourself in water. The shell game works like this:

  • Russia had czars
  • The communists were Russians
  • Communism is bad
  • Czars are Communists

I’m not making that up.

Of course, the Communists overthrew the Czars. That makes Obama’s czars…um…not Communist.

Given this shockingly true information, a fair, thinking person would have to admit that the whole “czar” thing makes no sense at all. Right?

Wrong.

Did that sound like any kind of an apology? Did that sound like a man humbling himself before the truth? Or did that sound like a man struggling to maintain his hold on a lie that’s a central part of his hate?

Personally, I think the latter. Of course, as a moral relativist, I could be wrong

PS – Let’s see how legalistic his defense and/or defenders get. Legalism, btw, is also a bad thing. It’s either right or wrong and God decides.

In Which Citizens United Agreed With Everything I Said

May 22nd, 2010 No comments

So I just got a call from Citizens United asking me to listen to a message from Dick “Dick” Morris and then respond to a  “critically important” 1 question survey. Why not?

“Dick” came on the line and pimped the book he’s writing about how to take back America. Blah, blah, blah socialist…blah blah blah disarm the military…blah blah blah…WHUH?? Death panels? Did he really just say death panels? Why, yes. Yes, he did say death panels. That’s sooo 2009.

I knew I was going to wait for the survey, but the question was: How to respond? Should I talk to the little wingnut fucktard rationally? Should I say “fuck you” and hang up? Or…

[Rough transcript]

Sheila: Hi, Mr. Day? Did you hear the message all right?

Me: Yup.

Sheila: That’s great. So we have just one question to ask you. Do you agree with Barack Obama when it comes to socializing medicine, disarming the troops and promoting socialism in America?

Me: All in one question?

Sheila: [laughs uncomfortably] Would you like to take them one at a time?

Me: Yeah.

Sheila: Ok. What about socializing medicine?

Me: I think those death panels are disgusting.

Sheila: They are.

Me: I’ve heard from people that they can send someone over to my grandma’s house in the middle of the night, yank her out of bed by the hair, throw her in a van and then shoot her.

Sheila: They can.

Me: How can anyone DO that? I mean…how can you be the kind of person who –

Sheila: Well, his little….his…um…his…ya know…um…”small circle of friends” up there in Washington –

Me: Do you think they’ll shoot her themselves??

Sheila: Noooo…I doubt it. They’ll probably hire hitmen but they won’t call them that. They’ll cal them something nicer.

Me: That’s right!

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Sheila: Sure!

Me: Do you think they’ll have sex with the dead corpse of my grandma?

Sheila: I really don’t know

Me: I bet they will.

Sheila: Uh huh. What about disarming the military?

Me: I’ve heard that the whole reason they’re using GPS for the census is because when Obama lets the UN forces invade America that won’t be able to speak English so they’ll need to use GPS co-ordinates in order to find the house of Christians in order to kill them.

Sheila: Uh huh. I don’t doubt it. What about the troops?

Me: What’s Obama done for the troops, anyway? NOTHING.

Sheila: That’s right. All he’s done is ship more of them out!

Me: That’s right! And with what? NOTHING! He’s shipping out unarmed soldiers and putting them into harm’s way without any way to defend themselves.

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: He’s disgusting! How are we supposed to win the war on terror if he’s sending MORE troops over to Iraq and Afghanistan? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Sheila: (starting to catch on) Um….

Me: And how will they fight the Taliban when they’re unarmed? Huh? How?

Sheila: Uh….Yeah. I’d like to thank you for your feedback and

Me: Go fuck yourself, asshole.