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In Which I Write An Open Letter To Ingrid Schlueter

February 19th, 2013 2 comments

Hey girl!

First off, let me apologize for sounding so harsh in that last post.

Ingrid’s xtian Mockery

 On second thought, I take that back. You’re a miserable excuse for a human being. I keep trying to feel something other than disgust for you and every time I get close, I think about the hundreds of hours you spent trashing other people because you enjoy it. Perhaps Vic taught you how to hate. That excuse works for a little while. But you read (or profess to read) this thing called “The Bible aka “the inerrant Word of God”. As some point in your adult life, one would think you’d scratch your head and say, “hm…I don’t think Dad’s reading this thing right. This whole Matthew 25:31-46 seems to run contrary to what we’re doing here and sounds like I’m headed for eternal torment.” Why haven’t you thought that?

Because VCY is a cult and you’ve been brainwashed. Your dad, Vyc…err…Vic, “who has no pastor and has never belonged to a church as a member in his life” created his own version of Christianity that bears no relation at all to what Jesus preached. None. Period. Somehow you seem to cling to the basic tenants of a belief system so easily twisted into the exact opposite of what it means.

“Our Kids Are Being Conditioned To Accept This Lifestyle”

That’s your dad doing what he does best – exposing his own agenda by trashing other people’s agendas. “Interesting”, as Vyc…errr…Vic, might say. We agree on one thing: You’re father is evil. But your reaction is complete Stockholm Syndrome: VYCAmerica can be saved. Think about that. You want to save something built by someone evil. Maybe you’re too far gone to understand that. Do you honestly believe that, even if you could kick Vyc off the board, anything would change? Your dad set himself up as the pope. It’s his vision and that vision has nothing to do with Jesus and everything to do with some fucked up agenda created in his fevered, fear-driven head. Kicking him off the board has no effect on the “world view” of VYCAmerica.

Let’s talk about John 4:18 – perfect love casts out fear. Does that sound like VYCAmerica? Did you actually listen to yourself in your headphones? Almost every word broadcast over the airwaves of VYCAmerica radiates fear. Do you remember that interview you did with Howse?

Brannon Hates Himself And You Should, Too

You fell for this bullshit. That’s why Brannon became such a superstar and the spawn of evil that Papa Vyc always wanted. And, like your daddy, he’s a brilliant liar

Brannon Doesn’t Want You To Fall Into The Cult of Personality

I’ve actually called him (and your daddy) out on the air before. You know how you push the lie about “czars” proving that Obama is a communist? The communists overthrew the czars. They are the polar opposite of the czars. Brannon wouldn’t back down. He was wrong as are all xtian wingnuts about this. Brannon, if you listened to this clip, says he’ll apologize. He didn’t. He won’t. Why? Because he’s training to be take over the cult. This isn’t about God or Jesus. This is about fact and fiction. This is about truth. Truth does not exist in the VYC world. And you want to try to save that world? You want to try to save a world that shatters the 9th Commandment on an hourly if not minute by minute basis?

No, Ingrid. The only way to stop the insanity and free yourself is to get their license taken away. You need to destroy VYCAmerica. You know exactly how to do it.

You also need take a good long look at yourself and apologize for the damage you’ve done to the people you’ve harmed in your complicity. You need the blog post that you’ve avoided writing. Not the blog post trashing your dad but the blog post  apologizing for your role in spreading, not “perfect love” but perfect hate and fear via your dad’s cult.

Take a page from the family of Fred Phelps. Speak out against it. Humble yourself before God.

Or just pretend that it’s a personal matter between you and your dad. Which is probably what you’ll do because, ya know…brainwashing.

Your pal,

Paul

In Which All The Whos Down In Whoville All Cry “Boo Hoo”

February 18th, 2013 No comments

I’ve spent a lot of time and digital space detailing the outright lies and hatred spewed by VCYAmerica. They embody the worst of what xtianity is – personal pettiness, snark and hypocrisy hiding behind a religion that does not promote that. VCY, effectively, started its own religion with Vic Eliason as god and everyone else bowing and scraping before him. Need a quick example? During the height of the Larry Sinclair bullshit, callers would beg VCY to “investigate” it. Vic refused. Frankly, I was shocked. Vic?? Acting morally?? JK! He bought in hook, line and sinker to Kenyan, atheist, socialist, communist, muslim, blah blah blah. I pretty sure that the only reason he didn’t pick up the Sinclair bullshit is because it would involve the word “penis” and since God only  made a penis to procreate or for a homo to fuck a little boy with, well…best to let those things alone. After all – this show is about GOD.

One thing that made VCY particularly frightening is/was the family aspect of it. Vic’s daughter, Ingrid Schleuter, was on staff, sending people who disagreed with her to Hell with the same vehemence and hatred as her Daddy. More, sometimes. He raised her well. Mormons = evil. Harry Potter = evil. Yoga = evil. Everyone who deviated from her proscribed ethical circle = evil. SHE knew good Jesus from bad Jesus and she would NOT be silenced on the subject. Rick Warren, you miserable bastard! That you would even consider allowing Obama in the front door of your “church” meant you worked for the devil. End. Of. Story.

Awhile ago, Vic turned on the spawn he created with his p-p-penis and fired her. Yeah, who coulda seen that coming? Then, because Jesus would have, they started trashing each other. Even better, Vic started sock puppetting on various blogs, trashing his daughter. And now, Ingrid shouts to the world that “Vic Eliason is evil“.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Listen up, Ingrid – you built this. The shit and bile that spewed out over the airwaves finally backed up. Where’s Jesus? You don’t know because you lost him decades ago choosing, instead to follow a path of hatred and politics that had nothing to do with him. Nothing. I have so much audio of you ripping apart your enemies like a feral dog, going for the throat and showing no mercy. What the fuck did you expect? Did you honestly think that Jesus (real or fictional) would put up with that? Did honestly think that bilking hicks out of their money for your radio Nuremberg rallies wouldn’t come back to bite you?
Year after year, you allowed the most ignorant statements to pass over the airwaves without one single syllable of protest.
Caller: After John Lennon said he was bigger than Jesus, he was shot six times
You: Well, you’ve got that right.
No. No, she doesn’t. She has that wrong. And you, you pathetic cunt, chose not the path of honesty but took a deep breath and consciously made a decision not to correct her facts. You knew that was a lie. You knew there was a loooooong period of time between bang-bang and bigger than Jesus. You also knew that correcting her negated your message of GOD KILLS EVERYONE YOU THINK SHOULD BE KILLED.
So, fuck you, Ingrid. I’d really like to have sympathy for you, but I can find none. Not one shred. I can’t even find empathy. I hate using this analogy, but it fits – it doesn’t matter how many Jews you killed or how badly you feel about it now. What matters is how happily and self-righteously you killed them. Your regret means nothing.
If I believed in Hell, I’d say you’ll end up there. But I don’t. Instead, your Hell is here on Earth and, honestly, I hope it never ends.
You worked hard for this moment, Ingrid. Sadly, I doubt you even have the self-awareness to understand that.

In Which I Post The Highlights From The Best Crosstalk Ever

August 9th, 2011 No comments

I’ve been off Crosstalk for awhile mostly because you can only listen to so much of this shit before I start having fantasies about playing Swimming With Sharks with Vic and the gang.

“Vic. There IS no homosexual agenda. What you claim is
the homosexual agenda was a satirical piece in a gay newspaper
that was read into the Congressional record without the pre-amble.
Say it!”

I’m not ashamed to say it. The lies and rationalizations warrant the harshest treatment imaginable. I heard a guy at an AA meeting once

If you wish good things for a person you hate for a month straight, that person at the end of them month that person will no longer be a problem to you. And it works. Usually, I wish that the person would go to Hell sooner rather than later.

A-fucking-men.

I guess it’s a sign of the times that the 8/5/11 Crosstalk stands out as the quintessential guide to xtianity. It literally shows you everything that’s wrong with this particular brand of SkyDaddy-ism.

Note: All clips are verbatim and not edited. There is one exception that I will flag. I cut out a chunk of crap for the sake of time.

Atheistic Scientists Waste Citizens Tax Dollars – Why do we bother exploring the universe when GOD created it? Three interesting things to listen for -

  1. “interesting”. Whenever a VCY host says this (and I’m pretty sure they’re trained on the proper inflection) you know that bitter, Christly sarcasm lurks just around the corner.
  2. “fiiiive yeeee-ers”. The setup for the punchline. Normal people might think, “wow! Jupiter! I wonder what that will look like?” xtians only see xtian oppression and proof America’s slow decline into Communism and race mixing.
  3. Faux-folksy chuckle – I actually admire their delivery. You can just feel the old folks sitting in their nursing home chuckling appreciatively and desperately trying to remember the joke so they can tell it to their nurse.

You Are Automatically A Member Of Whatever Group Endorses You – The Communist Party endorsed Obama so Obama is a Communist. Makes sense, right? Hagee endorsed McCain so that make McCain and anti-semite. White Pride Preacher Pastor Pete Peters endorses Jesus. That makes Jesus racist.

This is the one that is edited. I took out Jim’s recitation of the speech the godless Communist made which is all standard blah-blah and cut straight to the incitement to outrage of “get your reaction to that later in the broadcast.” News round ups need that punching up in case granny needs her memory jogged.

Taxpayers Paying For The President Doing Things That President’s Does – Whuh?? The President of the United States of America is going to travel around the country he’s the president of and talk to its citizens??? AND WE’RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT??? How fucking dare he! Spreading commie propaganda, promoting the homosexual agenda and denying the supremacy of Jesus on OUR DIME! What has this country come to?

It’s this kind of bullshit that makes me insane. As if Obama should pay for this out of his own pocket. Obama’s townhalls accept all questions. He does them completely unscripted. I believe he’s at his most powerful when he does them. All these wingnuts that say he can’t function without a teleprompter need only to watch a townhall to know that he’s actually better without it. What’s next? “OMG! Obama gets room and board at the taxpayers’ expense??”

Census Shows Gays Are Taking Over – Why bother to explain something when just stating raw facts with no context is so much more frightening? Gay households up 49% sounds like a lot…until you find out that the Census didn’t previously include gay households. Kinda puts that into perspective, huh? Which is why it’s not mentioned. The last thing you want is people feeling like the news may not be as horrific as it sounds.

Why Can’t We Teach People That Jesus Loves Blowing Shit Up? – When you need to hold a class to twist the Bible to support your agenda, there’s something wrong with your agenda.  Thus the Christian Just War Theory class (“Hey! C’mon, you pussy! It’s just war“) shouldn’t really be needed. Since the Bible is God’s inerrant word, we should all be het up and raring to wipe out the infidel Muslims, Commies, yada yada. Of course, if you’re using the King James Version (commissioned by bi-sexual King James) it’s gonna come out all wrong. Instead, use the Conservative Bible Project’s version and all becomes clear.

Laws Against Lying Aren’t Christian – The case that wingnut girls over at the Susan B. Anthony List, rather than staying home and taking care of their kids and serving their husbands the way God wants, instead descend, harpy-like, on anyone they feel isn’t anti-abortion enough. They did this to Steve Driehaus, a Democrat who voted for the Health Care bill. Even though the bill does NOT include “taxpayer funded abortion”, the girls put up billboards saying that Driehaus voted for taxpayer funded abortion. In other words, they lied. It’s what Addison DeWitt would call “a stupid lie, easily proven.”

SBA claims First Amendment rights for “criticizing a politician”. But when does outright lying become criticizing a politician? SBA, like most wingnuts, screams to what they take to be the heavens any time someone challenges them. Like Jesus, they willingly climb on the cross, dripping blood on anyone foolish enough to come to close to them. Outside of the illegality of blatantly lying about your opponet, one would think that the whole “thou shalt not bear false witness thing” would come into play. You’d be wrong.

What amazes, amuses and saddens me about Crosstalk is just how far the rabbit hole they are. They do shows on how it’s in the Koran that you’re allowed to advance Islam with seemingly no clue as to how their actions mimic those of the heathen infidels. It’s the same thing with religious supremacy. While claiming that bloodthirsty Islam won’t rest until the entire world converts to Islam, they believe that they can’t rest until the same wicked Muslims that want to convert the world to Islam convert to Christianity.

Old Chestnuts Never Die – One thing you may not understand about Crosstalk’s special brand of xtianity is their deep and abiding hatred of any physical connection between body and soul. It’s just not ok. Wicked things like “yoga” and “feelings” lead straight to the pit of Hell. I’m not kidding. They’ve done whole shows on the evils of Christian yoga which, according to them, can allow you to relax to a point where Satan can physically enter you. Basically, the moment you start feeling ok about yourself is the precise moment when you sin. Brannon Howse once said that he wakes up every morning and hates himself…so that he doesn’t sin. I would think he hates himself because he’s a lying, scumbag race-baiter, but that’s just me.

Either way, Crosstalk never misses a chance to talk about how “new-age spirituality” and the apostates who love it, will no doubt bring down “the church” if they are not stopped and not stopped NOW. It’s really the same Pavlovian trigger as “communist” and “homosexual agenda”. The image of the earthy-crunchy devil worshiper with their beads and their crystals fires up the base as much a black man being president. So when some group comes out with the 10 billion beats to cure the world the through the power of a drum circle….well…I think it’s ripe for ridicule but it’s not evil.

HEYA! Let’s go to the phones! It’s really the main reason to listen to Crosstalk. The hosts and guests rarely match the level of crazy that Brother and Sister Xtian can bring. To wit -

I’d Rather Be A Terrorist Than A Commie – Mark came loaded for bear. He had a statement and he was gonna make it, gosh darn it! It doesn’t matter that it makes no sense. He mostly likely heard it last night at the bar. Note the conditional “if I was a Tea Party member”. That’s some commitment! Note, too, how pleased Jim sounds.

How Can Obama Push The Muslim Agenda AND The Homo Agenda? – What a great question! If Obama is the devout Muslim that Shirley believes him to be, how can he push the homo agenda when Islam (just like xtianity) hates gay people? My question would be “Why don’t we ever get pictures of him bowing to Mecca?” Shouldn’t there be tons of those? Jim can’t actually answer the question so he falls back on the “Muslims can do whatever they want to advance their agenda” line, effectively saying “do you expect consistency from the wicked Nation of Islam?” The question is answered by a caller later in the program. It turns out Muslims are using the homosexuals to destroy America and, once it’s destroyed, will kill all the gays. Clever!

They Want To Make Us Give Up Our Capitalism – I love the callers that pretend they’re actually sticking to the subject when they’re going somewhere completely different. I also love callers the define “the enemy” as everyone who is not them. Thus, the New World Order consists of Jews, Muslims, gays and pretty much everyone who is not American.

Exactly how would one be forced to give up their capitalism. I was pretty sure the whole New Word Order thing was based on capitalism. Right?

Uhhhhhh…Uhhhhhh…Uhhhhhh…I’m Crazy – Why is this best Crosstalk ever? Because, almost as if by (intelligent) design, they save the best for last. Daniel probably doesn’t get to talk to too many people because he’s busy cleaning he’s guns when he’s not collecting his socialist unemployment check and/or disability. You really have to wonder about folks who listen to Crosstalk and STILL have to ask what the “Muslim bible” is called. He’s not even functional enough to remember that. And yet…there he is. Think about the construction of his statement -

Uhhhhh….Uhhh…what’s the Muslim Bible called? Right. Uhhhhh…uhhhh…Isn’t Islam bad?

But the coup d’ grace comes with “the chemicals in our food are destroying us.” Where the HELL did that come from? Perfect!

I really can’t urge you strongly enough to listen to the whole show. Completely worth it!

In Which Brannon Howse Lies Through His Teeth

June 25th, 2010 5 comments

If you’re just an ordinary person trying to scrape by and don’t ‘t have a lot of time to check things out for yourself chances are good you find your “experts” and believe whatever they say. Despite the fact that Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council has a “good friend” that hires whores to dress him up in diapers, you’ll still believe Tony Perkins when he says don’t give money to left-wing, gay, socialist politicians. Despite the fact that Rush Limbaugh called for any drug abusers to go to jail, you’ll still forgive when he abuses drugs. Are there examples on the other side? Of course there are. But since the evangelical right never acknowledges their mistakes until someone holds their feet to the fire, then why should I?

The whole basis for the evangelical right (and I’m trying very, very hard to maintain some semblance of civility right now) is “truth”.  Not just “truth” but “biblical truth”. And not just “biblical truth” but unerring “biblical truth”. According to them only one “right” exists in the world. If you even acknowledge a second option in any question then you’re practicing “moral relativism”.  And that’s bad. Really, really bad.”  In their world, big-G God has one answer and one answer only. Of course, it depends on which sect of Christianity you belong to as to what that answer is. It’s simpler to quote their philosophy with a quote from David Mamet. “The other guy’s cigar always sucks.”

It’s that philosophy that allows them to hate the rest of the world and to decry “worldly things” simply because big-G God doesn’t, in their non-morally relative view, endorse them. Thus, they can decry mega-churches “diluting” God’s word in order to put butts in the seat while begging for money to keep their radio stations on the air. To put it another way – one side makes money from the folks who say “God is love” and the other makes money off the folks who say “God will destroy those who say ‘God is love’”.

One of the best ways to make someone believe something is through humility. Let me rephrase that. One of the best ways to make someone believe something is by listing all of the sins someone else is guilty of in the greatest possible detail and then saying that you don’t do those things.

Example:

There are a lot of ministers who, once the lights come down in the 10 million dollar mega-churches built with the money bilked from useless sheep that flock to their clarion call of sedentary salvation and moral relativism, think nothing of strangling little tiny baby kittens, freshly from their mothers womb and smearing their blood all over their faces. It’s not something I would ever do. Do I sin some times? Sure. We all do. We are of the flesh. I’m not holy. How can I be? But does that mean I can’t speak out about people strangling little tiny baby kittens, freshly from their mothers womb and smearing their blood all over their faces? No. It’s important that we do.

Another way is to tell your own sheep that if you’re ever wrong, all they need to do is bring it to your attention and you’ll apologize. Something along the line of this -

Beat Up Brannon Howse

That’s pretty straight forward, right? “I make a mistake, the Christian thing to do is admit, not make the same mistake and move on.” But built in to that statement comes a paradox. You worship someone because you believe they’re infallible. If you believe they’re infallible, chances are good that 1) you’re not listening terribly close 2) if you find some inconsistency then you’re hero is no longer infallible and 3) who has the balls to spit in Superman’s face. Because of these things, Brannon Howse can make these kinds of statements with 95% certainty that his audience will quietly accept what he says with even more docility than before.

What’s implicit in that statement is that it only applies to those who agree with him. He will only apologize to those who buy into his “world view”. Everyone else can, literally, go to Hell.

Proof – Of course!

Some quick background. Religious conservative and wingnuts in general love to point to Obama’s use of “czars” as proof that he’s really a communist.  In this paradigm, everyone who’s ever taken a bath is a Christian because you dunk yourself in water. The shell game works like this:

  • Russia had czars
  • The communists were Russians
  • Communism is bad
  • Czars are Communists

I’m not making that up.

Of course, the Communists overthrew the Czars. That makes Obama’s czars…um…not Communist.

Given this shockingly true information, a fair, thinking person would have to admit that the whole “czar” thing makes no sense at all. Right?

Wrong.

Did that sound like any kind of an apology? Did that sound like a man humbling himself before the truth? Or did that sound like a man struggling to maintain his hold on a lie that’s a central part of his hate?

Personally, I think the latter. Of course, as a moral relativist, I could be wrong

PS – Let’s see how legalistic his defense and/or defenders get. Legalism, btw, is also a bad thing. It’s either right or wrong and God decides.

In Which Moral Relativism Is, Apparently, Morally Relative

May 15th, 2010 No comments

I remember a Focus on the Family around 5/22/06 where Bilbo Dobson and his comedy troupe screeched on and on about “moral relativism”. Apparently, it’s not only a stupid concept, but an evil one, too. You see, once you cast aside “absolute truth” you might as well start bathing in hot, burning lava to get used to the feeling since you’ll wind up in Hell. Communists believe in moral relativism. Democrats believe in it. Unitarian Universalists believe in it, too. Shit. I can smell the sulfur already.

What is absolute truth? Well…

  1. God created the world in six days and the Grand Canyon was created by the flood waters receding.
  2. God sent his son, Jesus, down to earth as a man so he could be killed by the Jews for our sins
  3. Being gay is bad
  4. If you disagree any of the above, you’ll burn in Hell

Sure, there’s a couple others, but that pretty much sums up the basic tenants of xtianity. Here’s a great example of an absolute truth via Back to Genesis put out by the Institute for Creation Research.

BTG – Why Creation

“But,” you might say to Dr. Morris, “isn’t that kind of a circular argument? Using the Bible to prove that the Bible is true? I mean, the Bible proves that the earth is the center of the universe, too, right? But you’d get laughed out of the institute for saying that. Ok. Maybe you wouldn’t because it’s yours. But you get my point.” Yes, that would be moral relativism.

If, for example, you try to argue that we should actually thank Judas for narc-ing on Jesus since otherwise we couldn’t have been saved from sin then you’re engaging in moral relativism. Similarly, if you ask about the validity of a religion started by glorifying the breaking of one its parent religion’s 10 commandments (“Thou Shalt Not Kill”), that, too, is moral relativism. But I’m being inarticulate, here. Listen to this, instead.

True For You

See? Either you have $5000 or you don’t. Either the Bible is true or you’re going to Hell.

And yet…xtians engage in moral relativism all the time. Case in point – yesterday I called up my buddies at Crosstalk to ask them to take the Anti-Socialist Teabagger pledge and refrain from using socialist services like libraries, parks, sewage facilities, electricity and eating any food that the government subsidized. However, I made two mistakes. Firstly, I stopped talking. That’s a big no-no. As soon as you stop talking you get hung up on. Secondly, I got waylaid by the fucktard going on about how welfare turned all black kids into criminals. He vomited up the lie about how rich a black women could get at the taxpayer expense by sitting on her ass having babies and before I could tell him that most recipients of welfare were white, well, I got hung up on.

Thinking they might have a thread on the Crosstalk Blog. They didn’t. But they did have a post allowing xtians to talk about how shitty Mexicans are and how their grandparent came here legally and didn’t sneak across the US/European border to here. One woman said that the Bible said nothing about immigration or illegal aliens so she could hate them all she wanted without having to ask God’s forgiveness. I was pretty sure this wasn’t true, having gotten about 1/2 way through the ol’ Old Testament and, sure enough

Exodus 22:21, You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.” Reminding the people of biblical Israel that they had been slaves in Egypt

Leviticus 19:34 The alien who resides among you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt; I am the Lord your God.

Hebrews 13:2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

The angels quote got me thinking. I’m reading/listening to The Odyssey at the moment and the other gods (the fake ones) loved disguising themselves to get the skinny on the mortals. That led me to think about how the anti-abortion morans love pulling out the argument that “you may be killing the next Mozart or supreme court justice that will overturn Roe v. Wade”. (Of course, you could be killing the next Hitler or Ted Bundy, too). It occurred to me that  xtians have none of this compassion for illegal children. That they might be deporting the next Mozart or supreme court justice that will overturn Roe v. Wade.

And, so I submitted my comment, which got held for moderation. And then deleted.

I’m not sure how much you know about xtians bu they are (especially the white ones) persecuted at every turn. No one allows them to speak. They have no voice anywhere in the world. All they get is silenced and disrespected. As one pious xtian correctly noted

if America were being invaded by right wing Christians the Gov would be offering a bounty for each captured

It’s true! America hates xtians. All America cares about is killing babies and getting free sex change operations. If I censored xtian comments on this blog (which I don’t and won’t), I’d be persecuting xtians. But when Crosstalk does it, it’s “defending the faith.”

Which sounds a lot like moral relativism to me

Exodus 22:21, You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.” Reminding the people of biblical Israel that they had been slaves in Egypt

Leviticus 19:34 The alien who resides among you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt; I am the Lord your God.

Hebrews 13:2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

So there’s that.

The other irony is that the pro-life movement uses the argument that the unborn might be the next supreme court judge to overturn Roe v. Wade while brush past the argument that the child of an illegal immigrant could also be the next supreme court judge to overturn Roe v. Wade.

In Which Mat Staver Is Missing More Than A T

March 28th, 2010 No comments

I was going to try to work up a head of steam on this but, ya know, it pretty much speaks for itself.

Vic Eliason – Professional Fucktard

Mat Staver – Professional Fucktard

In Which Giving Your Life To Christ Doesn’t Make You An xtian

January 3rd, 2010 1 comment

Xtians want you to believe that if only the Muslim president converted to xtianity, everything would be ok. He’d understand that Jesus would waterboard terrorists before putting two Godly bullets through their skulls. He’d get that personally killing pre-borns contradicts God’s laws. Jesus would lead him to the founding of the American theocracy that God created America for.

You see, they’re not hateful. They want the best for the other 80% of the population that is not totally fucking insane. All they want is for the rest of us to understand that America needs to be saved before God can destroy it in the Armageddon.

But.

Converting to xtianity is not enough.

Apparently, Jesus doesn’t always save. It’s so confusing. Once upon a time, you turned your life over to Jesus and, BOOM, that was that. Past sins forgiven, milk and honey at the signing of the death certificate, moral clarity – in short, you, like the folks at Crosstalk, got a pre-approved ticket to Heaven. Guess not.

I’m not sure who gets to change the rules, but all signs point to Vic Eliason. Vic decided that just being xtian isn’t enough. Thus, even if President Obama converted to xtianity Vic still wouldn’t support him.

There’s really only one way that this works – Jesus can’t forgive all sins. If, after dedicating your life to Christ, your earthly judges (Vic, Jim and Ingrid, I guess) still find your soul tainted and wicked, then Jesus didn’t do His job very well.

Ok. I lied.  There’s another way it works. It works if Vic, Jim and Ingrid hold themselves pridefully above the rest of humanity in some special xtian skybox halfway between Heaven and Earth set up as Jesus’ hallway monitors. I’m a little rusty on my bible passages, but I’m sure they can tell me which chapter and verse gives them authority to judge the strength of someone’s faith.

Vic? Ingrid? Jim? Bueller?

Help me out, here.

Jesus Doesn’t Save

Caller: [I was asked] What if Obama had a conversion and got saved and became a Christian, what would your response be and my response sadly was, man, I’d start praying for him and asking God to protect him…

Sadly? Really? You’d be sad about an enemy of America converting from the dark side to the light side? I could have sworn that the a lost lamb coming back to the flock meant rejoicing. Boy! What a dumbass I am! It’s actually cause for regret and suspicion.

Still, Vic, as God’s Hallway Monitor, explains, after a conversion, it gets kicked up the chain of command to Vic, Jim and Ingrid. Only after they sign off on the new recruit, does God make the final judgment.  And, really, how can anyone know what God thinks. Maybe, Vic hints, God would kill the newly xtian Obama just to teach him a lesson.

Because, as stated earlier, Jesus can’t absolve all sins. Especially the sins of Socialism, Communism, Fascism, Saul Alinksy-ism and all those poor pre-borns that, had they been born, would have saved the Social Security system.

http://www.rnclife.org/faxnotes/2005/jan05/05-01-14.html

In Which CrossTalk Comedy Writes Itself

December 13th, 2009 No comments

The funny thing about Crosstalk is that you can spend 5000 words writing about it and still not do as good a job exposing them as hypocrites as they do themselves.

Matt Barber of oddly name Liberty Council came on the show NOT to bash gay people but to show how much xtians love them.  He did so by condemning gay people as violent, spittle spewing sinners possessed by demons.

Spittle Spewing Homos

The love continued with examples of how violent gay people stormed a church and…didn’t really hurt anybody.  Except the kids.  Who had to look at gay people.  And, I guess, all the closeted gays and lesbians mooning over the HOTT gay activists.

Violent Homos…That Don’t Hit People

And in the coup d’ grace (pretty gay phrase, huh?), Barber slits his own throat by blatantly laying all of his cards on the table.

HAHAHA!

Early in the program, my youngest daughter, sitting in bed, playing games on my iPod and listening, asked me, “how can you listen to this stuff??” By the last clip she was howling with laughter and derision.  Just as she should.

Never say I’m not a good dad! *laffin*

In Which Dialog Is A One-Way Dynamic

December 7th, 2009 3 comments

Crosstalk America is not a religious show.  Anyone who listens to even the smallest snippet of it should come to that conclusion.  The show is about dogma and fear.  What little religion that pokes its head up from the slimy depths of the studio serves only to enforce the hatred du jour.  When hosting, Vic Eliason, the head brown-shirt, acts as grandpa with a tri-cornered blade and  basement full of crosses marking the graves of the sinners he correctly garroted in the name of Jesus.

Vic cannot have an honest debate.  When backed into a corner and called on his bullshit he defaults to the following steps

  1. The caller makes their point
  2. Vic tries to spin it
  3. The caller begins to push back
  4. Vic interrupts the caller in his folksy fashion to play the “we’re having a dialog” card
  5. The caller, annoyed about the interruption, continues to try to have the dialog that Vic just effectively ended
  6. Vic, the taste of blood and victory in his mouth, terminates the call, blaming the victim for his own rudeness in interrupting.
  7. He then laments that “some people” (code word the un-godly) care nothing about “dialog” and only call to push their evil agenda.

Of course, no mention of their own agenda makes it into that statement.  This happens over and over on the show and I’ve talked about it before.  What makes this clip different comes during the sermonette at the end.

Three things to listen for -

The first is the word “filibuster”.  During the bush years, filibuster meant evil.  It’s what “lie-berals” did to hold up the nomination of racist, though xtian, judges.  It’s what “dumbo-crats” used to attempt block legislation to stop funding of the effective program of giving condoms to countries with high rates of HIV in favor of the ineffective program of abstinence only.  Now, with the advent of socialist health and the destruction of America (TM), “filibuster” is a good word again.  Vic’s negative use of the word points up the bastardization of the language and the adaptability of true believers to switch contexts at the drop of the hat.  It’s a nice little Pavlovian trick. I don’t mean to imply that my side of the fence doesn’t do the same thing – but Vic’s mastery of verbal cues approaches evil brilliance.

The second points out the de-facto fascism of the show. “I happen to be the person that holds the control here.” Pretty straight forward – disagree with me and break my arbitrary decisions as to how much dialog I allow you and you’re gone.  Doing radio myself, though, this is more of a slip than it sounds like. The point he wanted to make was his fingers decide whether or not he’ll allow you to speak.  As such, he works the “controls”. In switching from the proper plural use to the singular use implying action, rather then object, he betrays his true agenda – xtian Stalinism

The third illustrates the basic hypocrisy of Crosstalk America – “We’re not going to let you abuse the program just because you want to be rude”. Really? Listen to the call again.

Vic: …Wouldn’t you agree that that’s a problem?

Caller: But that’s the way it’s always been…

Vic: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait a minute Maria. Take a breath. We’re going to have some dialog…

After the break, Vic turns on the condescension, explaining to Maria, whose call has been terminate, the rules of dialog. “I wish Maria had stayed on the line because we could have had dialog. Which means you make a statement, take a breath and let someone respond.” Obviously, Vic doesn’t have to play by his own rules.  He made a statement (to which Maria respectfully listened), asked a question and then cut off her response.

In the eyes of Crosstalk America, Jesus, apparently, was a passive-aggressive hypocrite.

Shut Up – We’re Having A Dialog And You Kept Talking

PS: If you’re new to the horror that is Crosstalk America, this show acts as a perfect primer, containing all the wingnuts talking points including the old “let’s stop blaming bush’s incompetence for state we’re in. After all, Obama promised to fix everything right away and we’ve successfully stopped him from doing that.” As an added bonus, you’ll get “Obama kind of sent more troops to Afghanistan and kinda listened to the generals BUT HE DIDN’T DO IT WHEN WE TOLD HIM TO SO HE IS EVIL” meme.

In Which Tony Perkins Hates Alaska, Hawaii And Muslims

November 13th, 2009 No comments

two_tonys

When I talk of Tony Perkins here, I don’t speak of the gay actor that dressed up in his mother’s clothing and killed Janet Leigh in the shower. Nor the actor who played the closeted photographer in Mahogony. When I talk of Tony Perkins, I speak of James Dobson’s bully boy and head of the Family Research Council. Tony is a capital-X Xtian who, I’m sure, if it wasn’t for those pesky “government laws” would have no problem killing his kid, as God urges you to do in Leviticus. He knows that God doesn’t like gays, that abortion is murder and that God forgave Sen. David Vitter for hiring whores to dress him up in a diaper so there’s no need to contest Vitter’s re-election bid. All of this is to say that, while he may not suck dicks, he’s a dick and he sucks.

Tony (the not gay one) bleats about the important issues of the day and why liberals will go to Hell on Washington Watch Weekly. While most shows fill the average listener with dread over what a theocracy might look like NOT GAY people like Tony Perkins (the not gay one) in charge, this past week’s points out just how fucking insane Dobson and the crew are.

It’s been proven by xtians that once upon a time in America there was no crime, no drug, no pre-marital sex, no gays, all wars were just wars and people only voted Republican. It was a simpler, better time because only xtians lived in America and you could beat the shit out your child without fear of prosecution.  To that end, xtians love looking backwards. Even to the extent that they favor dictionaries from 1912 and rely on previous drafts of state’s constitutions to prove that God created America.

This past Wednesday, the country celebrated Veterans’ Day. Tony did, as well, by flying a very special flag.  This flag represents a time when Americans believed in America and compassion for the enemies of America simply did not exist.  We gunned them down in cold blood, pissed on the dead and Jesus laughed, laughed, laughed. It’s a flag that flew over Pearl Harbor before the filthy, yellow Japs bombed it.  Which means it only has 48 stars.  Which means it doesn’t represent the whole country.  Which means that, mercifully, all the darker skinned Americans of Hawaii and Alaska get shunted aside.  God Bless (most of) America!

Tony (the not-gay one) knows that among Jesus’ wonderful messages, His message of helping your fellow man stands in the center of it.  One way to help your fellow man is, when they knock up their girlfriend in high school, to force them to have a child they’re not mature enough to raise.  In doing this, you ensure the child gets neglected and (hopefully) beaten.  Why? Because not only will the child want to get the hell out of that house and joined the Army, but when they do, they’ll already be battle hardened.  Some “Pro-Lifers” (at least pro-American lifers) praised the Stupid Stupak amendment to the rapidly toothless healthcare bill for making sure that xtians wouldn’t go to Hell because they paid for a girl to abort their daddy’s baby.  Tony (tngo) knows you have to cruel to be kind and that allowing the bill to become law means victory for the harbinger of the End Times, Barak Obama.  After all, you don’t need health insurance if you live your life in accordance to biblical principals.  What’s the point of Stupid Stupak amendment when the more important goals are 1) to actively work against the President of the United States and 2) let the people who don’t live their life by following biblical principles to die.  Yes, God is Love and sometimes love means killing that uppity bitch that refuses to do what you tell her to.

Lastly, as the Conservative Bible Project plans to make clear, Jesus was NOT a liberal.  When Jesus said “fellow man” he didn’t mean everyone. He meant (in the original Aramaic) “like-minded people” or, in the parlance of today’s vernacular “NOT TOWELHEADS.” Tony doesn’t truck with “intellectuals” who “think” and “analyze” and rely on “political correctness” and “other people” to inform their decisions. So, when a Muslim like Nidal Hassan opens fire and kills 13 at Ft. Hood, Texas, the way to make sure this never happens again is clear: kick the fucking Muslims out of the US Armed Forces.  Now.  Didn’t this same thing happen 6 years ago?!  Don’t you people get it?! Do you not see a trend?!  As most xtians, will tell you – when you become a Muslim you take an oath to kill as many Americans as you can. We are the enemy.  To hell with all this “diversity” and “inclusion”.  Letting Muslims into the military de facto means more dead American soldiers on the soil of our glorious homeland.

Do you think Jesus wants to see that?  Tony Perkins doesn’t.  But then again, he doesn’t like to acknowledge the 49th and 50th states of the Union, either.