Hbee Inc.

The Sex Offenders in the Church Survey from Christianity Today came out and it pretty much provides all the evidence I need for why I’m not a Christian. The magazine sits squarely in the mainstream of Christianity. My understanding is that it’s not terribly political. Unlike the rabid World Net Daily, they don’t seem to really care if Obama is a Muslim or born in the US. Although, Franklin Graham (son of founder, Billy), phrased his answer to that question in less than concrete terms.

The point is, they’re not crazy. Or, rather, really, really crazy.

And you have to give them a good deal of credit for even thinking of doing this survey.  It’s an important aspect of society in general – what do we do with the worst of us? One place where survey falls down, though, shows up in the lack of definition of “sex offender”. Is this someone who tortures, rapes and kills children? Or adults? Gay men having consensual anonymous sex in an airport bathroom? Having straight sex in a baseball stadium? Urinating in public? All of those get you on the sex offender list. Without a clear definition or section allowing respondents to personally define “sex offender”, the survey renders itself slightly useless.

Putting that aside, it quickly becomes clear that despite claims to the contrary, Jesus’ magic powers only go so far. Sure, He can cure cancer but He can’t regenerate limbs. He can bring down gas prices but not by creating new oil fields. Most distressing, he cures gayness but if you’re a sex offender…well, you’re pretty much screwed.

Can Sex Offenders be Rehabilitated?
Q: In your opinion, can sex offenders be completely rehabilitated to the point where they no longer pose a threat to others?
Yes 38%
No 25%
Not sure 37%

In other words, more than 3/5ths of professing Christians answering the survey believe Jesus’ love incapable of stopping sex offenders from offending again.

To repeat – this is a mainstream publication and not like the radical xtian One News Now poll where 90% of xtians believed waterboarding to be “ethical”

Oh, ye of little faith.

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

The family next door was about as white trash as it got. It wasn’t as fun as it sounded.

The dad, a tall, thin, dangerous looking biker guy who deserved a nickname like “Lobo”, most likely did far too much coke and meth in the not too distant path. The mom, once upon a time hotter than hell, aged with the grace and speed of a banana. She still wore tube tops , low heeled open toed shoes and far too much lipstick and blush. They had two boys, the younger around 10 and Robert, about 17 or so. Dad did something with fixing things. The house was section 8. They once got busted for pouring motor oil down the sewer grate.

Robert, who may or may not have graduated high, fixed cars and worked on stereo equipment. At any time of the day or night. Revving engines at 2am happened all the time as did the ear blasting decibels of

AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS

They woke about 6:15am every  morning. I know this because we could here the clock radio which, for some reason always seemed to play Hotel California.

One evening, around 2am, the noise started up. It wasn’t a car or a stereo, but mom and dad. They screamed like wrestling fanatics at each other from inside the house. Looking out the window, I saw Robert tinkering with something or another. The argument heated up until Dad came storming out onto the sidewalk. The upstairs window opened and mom stuck her head out and screamed

YOU FUCKED MY BRAINS OUT!! AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DO TO ME!!!

Robert looked up at the window non-nonplussed and said in his best Boston accent, “Maaaa. Close da window. People’ll he-ah.”

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

The past couple of days, I’ve had some fun run-ins with some new wingnuts. I’m sure that nothing I offer raises any new pathologies to those familiar with this sub-category of humans but…

The aptly named Charile0 on twitter makes me happy that twitter got invented. Charlie’s xtian bona fides blow everyone out of the water and scream DON’T FUCK WITH CHARLIEZERO!

Christian, Conservative, Pro-Life, Teacher, Retired from State Police (civilian.) That means I am civilized.

There’s nothing like showing your hand. I don’t mean to imply that all cops suck because they don’t. But I’m pretty sure that Abner Louima and more than a few other alleged perps and mob bosses might disagree with that generalization. Charlie is the hyperfocus kind of wingnut on twitter. They find a victim they think they can beat on and bang away until they run out of steam…then bang away some more. After he evangelized to a few twitterbuds, I couldn’t help but jump in.  Especially when he started in about how God wanted him to to “sow his seed” even in infertile ground. How can you pass up a good semen joke?

Isn’t it a sin to waste your seed?

Hilariously, it took him a little while to understand the reference. Most of our precious time spent together consisted of him trying to suss out whether I was a xtian. They want to know since it really does affect how they talk to you. Apparently, dealing with a fellow xtian that disagrees with you calls for different rules and it twists their little brains into balloon animals to talk about pretty much anything outside the context of God. “You’re profile doesn’t say whether you’re a xtian”, he grumped.

Insight 1: Wingnuts constantly try to make you play by the rules that they make up. I honestly don’t mean to denigrate tw0-years but c’mon!  That’s like having a conversation about fruit and insisting that everything be put in terms of cantaloupe.

As he blathered on about “God” and the US and the troops he tried to take me to task about my “tcot hates America” avatar. (“tcot” for those of you who don’t know, stands for “top conservatives on twitter”. my own hashtag for them, Conservative Understanding Nothing Tangential, never took off.) it occurred to me just how powerful the wingnut echo chamber is.

Charlie0: why do you say tcot hates america?

Me: lemme ask you – do you support killing our own troops?

Charlie0: of course not!

Me: Yes, you actually do. haliburton has electrocuted several of our troops through faulty shower wiring and STILL got paid.

Charlie0: i didn’t hear about that

Really? And why might that be, Charlie? Maybe because your sources of “news” tell you that everything is running to plan and anyone who says differently is lying? Maybe, if you got outside of your lil Jesus-cocoon you might realize the “main stream media” is “main stream” for a reason – ie: they report on far more aspects of a story than Fox. You would like to think that if a contractor killed the troops that wingnuts say we hate they’d raise a fuss. Ironically, the only sources that really reported it were…the sources that theoretically hate the troops.

Insight 2: Wingnuts mis-read 1984.

Later in the week, I popped on the Facebook group I hate it when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is President. And, yes, it’s as horrible as it sounds. What brought me into it was one in a series about fake founding father quotes that are so popular with the brown shirts. The way it works is…well, you just make something up that advances your agenda and say a founding father said it. Take, for example, Billy Bob Neck’s entry

“We, as a people, must always remain vigilant that the Negro not attain office. It will signal the rise of communism” Thomas Jefferson

The most dangerous thing about fake quotes is that, like WMD, even after debunking they continue to be used. Picture Winston Smith busily modifying the “facts” to fit the current administration. In fact, even with such an obviously fake quote (which sadly finally got removed) it got at least one comment to the effect of – “I don’t care WHAT the founding fathers said, posting that wasn’t right!”

Again – back to Winston Smith.

Insight 3: Only Democrats do bad things.  If Patrick Henry turned out to be a serial rapist, wingnuts would find some way to mitigate the damage and would probably succeed. The lamest outrage against Obama is…golfing…twice during the BP crisis. And he did a bunch of stuff like campaign for other Democrats.  What he should have been doing, I guess, is sleeping in the oval office and pissing in jars until every last drop of oil got scooped up. Naturally, I’ve not heard one wingnut go after bush for not only golfing during the war but promising not to and doing it anyway. Obama would have gotten the same treatment if he’d cleared brush with bush in Crawford.

Insight 4: Even when blatantly shown the truth, wingnuts will continue the lie.  During my roll in the mud, I happened to call someone a “moran”.  To the politically astute, this is an obvious dig at the illiterate teabaggers and their even more illiterate signs.

Since very few teabaggers actually follow politics, preferring just to scream whatever they’re told to and wave guns around, he didn’t pick up on it. Rather, he criticized me for my spelling. When I pointed out that I actually meant to call him a “moran” and linked him to the source, he shut up for a little bit. Until someone commented on it. His response was not to just shrug it off. Instead, he said “Well, he said he did it on purpose but I’m not so sure.”

This is the most disturbing aspect of wingnuttery. It’s one thing to blindly parrot everything Fox tells you. After all, why would a politician lie? It’s quite a different thing entirely to, in a face to face interaction with a live human being, to reject iron-clad evidence simply because you’re on opposite sides of the political fence.  In general, I don’t believe most of what comes out of any wingnuts mouth. BUT. I usually take the time to research what they’re saying.  The only thing the teabaggers have done for America is make it ruder and more distrustful of its fellow citizens. They pervert almost everything they touch.

What started this all off was a “quote” from Abraham Lincoln.

“America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”

He didn’t say that. He said something similar, true, but it apparently had too many words and wingnuts got confused so someone helpfully shortened it and turned it into “English”.  Plug the phrase into Google and you’ll get 1000′s of hits…all of them from wingnut websites and since it’s on so many websites, it must be real, right? It took some digging to get to the truth.

Lincoln is right, though. Even now, wingnuts actively work to literally change the historical record to fit their twisted, lop-sided vision of truth. And they don’t care if they’re right or not.

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

45 And after Jesus and his disciples did leave
the sermon on the mount, Jesus did turn to
Thomas speaking thusly
46 “Did I not not tell you that enough food wouldst
be provided for all to eat? Did I not? Yea, verily,
I believe I didst, but, naaaaay, YOU insisted
there wouldst NOT be enough food.
47 “I guesseth that I was right and you were wrong,
you big pile of donkey dung.
48 Wouldst thou liketh more to eat? Plenty
remaineth shouldst thou still require food.
49 Although,it  didst occureth to me that thou couldst
stand to lose a several stone, if the truth be told.”
50 Then Jesus turned to the other disciple, saying,
“Wouldst thou not agree, brethern? Dost Thomas
not resembleth a fat sow, ripe for the slaughter?
Dost thou not think that several villiages wouldst
eat hearty and well for many cycles of the moon
off the flesh of him?”
The Book of Jesus – 8:45-50

Seriously. Who are these people? Do they have any concept of the life of Jesus? Are their lives so devoid of successes that every perceived success provokes a torrent of thinly disguised abuse and hubris?

The American Fucktard Family Association believes itself responsible for…well…the downfall of Ford Motors:

According to AFA, during the 24 months the boycott was in effect, Ford sales dropped an average of 8 percent per month. The organization said its boycott was not entirely responsible for the drop in sales, but played a very significant role. A total of 780,365 individuals had signed AFA’s Boycott Ford petition.

It had nothing to do with a floundering economy or job market tanking. No. It was all about the homos. Of course, AFA doesn’t want to boycott companies but if they’re going to keep insisting on this “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights” bullshit, well…what choice do they have? In the world of xtianity there are only two options given to you by the Savior of Man – shit or get off the pot.

It’s pretty evident that not only was Jesus pretty passive-aggressive (“Oh, yeah? Then maybe I’ll just go and get myself EXECUTED for you – how’s that??”) but also petty and vindictive.

Again, from the Book of Jesus:

83 And after he did wash Jesus’ feet, the Savior did look at them and he did turn to John, saying
84 “Dost thou call this clean? Wouldst thou by any standard of heaven or of earth attempt to passeth this off as a ‘good job’? I am the Way and the Light! I have come to offer you everlasting life free of earthly pleasures and this is the thanks I get?”
85 And he did pusheth John roughly onto the stool, saying
86 “If thou be too retarded to knoweth the meaning of clean, alloweth me to show you.” Wherein Jesus did scrub John’s feet until they be bloodied and blistered.
87 And Jesus did laugh at John’s pain, telling him firmly, “Let this be a lesson to thee.”

As many xtians already know, Jesus sneered a lot. He was sarcastic, rude, bullying, denigrating and, above all, holier-than-thou. Thus, being “Christ-like” to an xtian is different than being “Christ-like” to an actual Christian.

Case in point? Oh, there are too many to count but for the moment, let’s use Gary McCollough who runs one of the funniest and/or saddest sites around – Christian Newswire. I’m guessing that McCollough probably gets a discount when he puts out a press release like “DeGeneres Hurt American Idol — I Told You So“. And indeed, he did

I propose that those behind American Idol view Lambert’s defeat as evidence of an underlying anti-gay bias among voters. As good community activists in the skewed world of Hollywood, this season’s change in judges was an opportunity to confront this homophobic bias. Thus viewers to the ninth season will get a steady dose of wit from one of the nation’s most well known lesbians, Ellen DeGeneres.

Personally, when I think of American Lesbians, I think of Eleanor Roosevelt but that’s probably just me. Like the American Fucktard Family Association, McCollough has no use for and no capacity to view reality because of the big Jesus shaped mirror he keeps in front of his face. He looks at himself and sees the world as he imagines Jesus would see it. I’m not sure at what point xtians teach their children that Jesus only hung out with the upper middle class and not with beggars and whores but it must be in the curriculum some place.  xtians care nothing about healing the lame and everything about laying the blame. It’s rare that that an xtian will step up to the plate and admit some wrong they committed against another. Pat Robertson, using slave labor in a Zaire diamond mine certainly doesn’t. He was great pals with the oppressive dictator down there…just like Jesus would have been.

McCollough, an xtian’s xtian if ever there was one, stands triumphantly pissing on the not-yet-dead corpse of American Idol because…he predicted it. Him. He. Gary McCollough. LESBIANS! It had nothing to do with American Idol’s falling ratings since season four, or Paula Abdul leaving or Simon announcing his departure. If ONLY they’d listened to him and had either a straight man or woman rather than a LESBIAN take over Paula’s place, they would have been back on top again. Stupid, stupid Fox. And, of course, McCollough follows the trend of LESBIANS on American Idol to its logical conclusion – pedophiles on Dancing With The Stars. Duh!

All of this really is just he basic xtian bullshit and had I not bothered to read the whole thing, I wouldn’t be writing this. However, this one paragraph jumped out at me.

DeGeneres’ “Yes, I have loved a woman,” comment from the May 11th show, was the most obvious lesbian-one-liner, but it wasn’t the only one, and it is hurting the show’s ratings. I can hear the bloggers loading their homophobe-blasters, but think this through with me.  If one of the judges was an abortion activist, or a political right winger — and continued to insert comments in line with their activism — the same criticism would be true, and the show would suffer. The advice, “Shut up and sing!” comes to mind [emphasis added]

“Shut up and sing” isn’t even code in the wingnut world. It’s a threat of violence and almost a rallying cry. It comes from a letter from some wingnut psycho in Texas sent to Natalie Maines, lead singer of The Dixie Chicks, threatening to kill her for exercising her First Amendment right to disagree with the bush administration. Seriously.

Am I saying that McCollough wants to kill Ellen DeGeneres (or, as Jerry Falwell, resting uncomfortably in Hell, called her “Ellen DeGenerate“)? No. Well, maybe he does. Rather, if he did, he’d consider it another in a series of proofs of God’s existence and/or hatred of the things McCollough hates.

Let’s make this clear – Jesus didn’t hate people. He wasn’t a libertarian. He wasn’t a republican. He was neither gay nor straight. If you read the actual Bible itself, rather than lazily allowing Dobson, Eliason, Perkins or Wildmon to tell you what’s in it, it’s pretty obvious that Jesus would never endorse the kind of twisted perversion of His message that Gary McCollough spews.

Have fun in Hell, Gary.

Hbee Blatant Assholes, Dobson, Gary McCollough, Navel (Gazing At), Vic Eliason, xtians

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

Say whatever you want – I still smoke. I know it’s not popular. I know it’s not good for me. Let’s leave the morality and ethics out of it. Since I smoke, I buy cigarettes. I try to be economical about it and find the lowest price. The guy who owns the store around the corner isn’t happy about it but, from a capitalist perspective, he should lower his prices.

At the moment, CVS has the lowest price so I go there. Helpfully, they also have my favorite mints to combat the horrible, foul, nasty, stinky breath I have after I smoke.  Unhelpfully, there is Willard.

The process of buying cigarettes is simple. You ask the sales clerk. They put them on the counter. You give them your money. You leave with your drugs. It’s like buying most things in America. Since it’s a regulated commodity, rules exist to keep them out of the hands of kids and I support that. Maybe if it had been harder to buy them, I wouldn’t have started smoking. Whatever.  It’s in the past.  Mass. law instructs those who sell tobacco products to check for ID if the person looks under 27. It’s not a bad gauge.  Selling cigarettes to a minor is $100 for the first fine, $200 for the second and $300 for every offense after that. I completely understand. And if I walked into a new store in a new town where nobody knew who I was, I’d be annoyed about getting carded but somewhat begrudgingly compliant.

HOWEVER

If I go into, say, a CVS just down the street from my house, almost every day for years and years, I’d hope that the employees might, if not know my deepest inner thoughts, hopes and dreams, at least know my face. It’s part of friendliness. It’s part of service. It’s one of the small things you factor in when deciding where to go for a meal or to get keys made or to buy cigarettes.

Willard doesn’t understand this. But then again, Willard is in his late 60′s, clerking at CVS and doesn’t outwardly appear retarded. So Willard cards me every goddamn time. And I mean every time.  The first dozen times I gritted my teeth and went with the “he’s just doing his job” rationalization. After that, though, it started viscerally pissing me off.

I mean – what the fuck? I know smokers a figure of disgust for the vast majority of the country. My own sister figuratively pissed on me for it. The number of people that cough ostentatiously as they pass us on the small plot of land designated as the “smoking area” on the street (and frequently it’s right next to a dumpster) would break a scientific calculator. I always wonder about those people – is their self-righteous egotism so highly developed that you can influence a stranger just by coughing at them? “Oh, shit! I never realized how my smoking affects a woman so morbidly obese she has to use a cane to walk! Or that gentleman  from State St. bank who hitches up his ironically name “cigarette boat” to the back of his Humvee so he can get drunk and commune with nature in his vacation home in New Hampshire. What was I thinking!!??”

The answer is, of course, yes: they honestly do think their rudeness holds sway over us.

My own personal theory involves Willard as radical anti-smoking activist. He wants to make it a difficult as possible for any smokers to get their drugs. It makes them think about it – about all the effort they had to go through and the more times it happens, the more of a chance they’ll leave the store and say, “gosh, is it really worth all that effort?”. And one at a time, they’ll all quit and Mary Baker Eddy will rise from her grave to personally thank me. Yes. I’m doing the right thing. But chances are good that he’s just some 60 year-old guy  who loses jobs because he follows the rules far too closely.

Today Willard carded me for the last time…or least he better have. No, I didn’t kill him. Instead, when he carded me, I simply asked the question that any normal non-eighteen looking person would ask – “Are you kidding me?”

“No, sir,” he replied with firm politeness. “In order to sell you cigarettes I need to see some form of identification.”

“You’ve seen my identification. Numerous times. Do I look under-aged to you? Really?”

“Sir,” he said, channeling his inner, officious doorman, “in order to sell you cigarettes I need to see some form of ID.”

“You realize that you’re the only person in this whole store that cards, right? The only person. Nobody else does. To everybody else, I don’t look eighteen. I look 47, which I am.”

“Well.” He turned the smugness up to 11. “Then I’m the only person in this store that’s not risking getting fired.” He pointed to the cameras in back of them. “The cameras watch everything we do and I’m not about to risk getting fired.”

Now that looks creepy on the page, but I assure you, he didn’t say it in a tin-foil hat kind of way, as if the cameras always watched him even when he slept. He said it boastfully, as if he were on some CVS version of Survivor and his mad carding skillz set him apart from the rest of the employees. He would be the Last Clerk Standing when (as I’m sure they do) management sits down at the end of the shift and watches every single second of the tape gathered from the shift that just ended.

Instead, I left the smokes on the counter and said I’d go somewhere else.

“That’s just fine, then, sir,” he told me as if he’d proved that he was incorruptible and that, as a CVS clerk, he refused to get pushed around.

I went home and called the store.

The manager sounded slightly exasperated when Willard’s name came up. I’m pretty sure that people call about Willard…both pro and con. He explained that store policy dictated taking no chances and carding everyone…but…he agreed that regular customers should be treated like…well…regular customers.  Willard would be spoken to.

Now, before you start making sarcastic comments about my “bravery” and “moral fortitude”, think about this:

Every Friday you go out to lunch at the same place. Everybody there knows you. And every Friday you order a beer. The same type of beer. And every Friday, the waitress asks you to prove that you’re old enough to drink.

How ya gonna feel?

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

One of the things I love about the category “other” is that you never know what small gems you’ll discover.  I found a Little Marcy record (and, what the fuck?? She has a myspace page??) in a thrift shop in Rochester, NY. I found a Zippo lighter with Saddam Hussein as the ace of spades in a swap meet in North Carolina. And, browsing the “other” category on The Pirate Bay, I found a video title and piqued my interest – “Jews Pose as Militia for Staged Hoax.mp4“. With a name like that, how could you resist.  (Well, ok, many of you could resist, but you get my point.)

The point of the video was that the Hutaree Militia, rather than a bunch of fucked up xtians obsessed with overthrowing the government, were actually a bunch of Jews trying to make real fucked up xtians obsessed with overthrowing the government look bad. Yeah. That’s what I thought.  HOWEVER, in the video, they show you the proof that it was a bunch of Jews who formed the Hutaree Militia in 2008 because since they control everything they knew that Obama would get elected and the best way to ensure Jewish socialism was to make honest, God-fearing patriots who want nothing more than to install Sharia Biblical law in America by killing a bunch of useless politicians look like a bunch of lunatics.  Weird, huh?

So, what’s the proof?  Look below. And click for a larger image.

See the red X? That means an image can’t be found on the server. It’s a pretty easy mistake to make. Either someone rushed the coding or didn’t upload the image to the server.  It happens all the time. It’s rarely relevant but that didn’t stop the nice Nazis at Subverted Nation from smelling a rat (their name for Jews) and finding out the the missing file was actually a jpg of a Star of David.  Which, of course, proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that for 2+ years these Jews pretended to be fucked up Armageddonists quietly whiling away the hours waiting until the time was right for the FBI to catch them just as they were about to strike.

And I have to admit, my eyebrows raised slightly until I started this crazy thing I do that I call “thinking”. Now, I’ve been known to do a little trolling here and there but this is a bigger investment of time and effort that most people I know have the stomach for. But let’s say they’re working for Israel. They’ve got a pretty crack team of spies. The thought that they’d play a little joke by planting a Star of David on the homepage makes no sense whatsoever. It would makes sense to hide messages inside the pictures (which you can do for free) like “we really DO control the media…hahahaha) but to do something so blatant…I don’t buy it.

And then there’s this little thing called www.archive.org which allows you to look at past revisions of web pages. Plug in the URL of the site you want to look at and, bah-boom, there it is.  For various reasons, it doesn’t get all the whole history. In the case of hutaree.com it goes up to May of 2008 and for our purposes, that’s enough because the last revision of the page oddly has no Star of David. Indeed, thanks to Google Chrome’s “inspect element” feature there’s not one “star” or “david” to be found. Yet, conveniently, some time between 5/08 and 3/10 some puckish little Jew played a prank on everyone?

It’s possible, I guess. But it’s also possible that the Hutaree Militia planted it there themselves and went crying to the Nazis…who it should be noted should have suspected a double-cross because Nazis, if you hadn’t heard, don’t trust Jews.

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) recently did a stupid little bit of grandstanding by asking the Disney corporation to include ex-gays in their tolerance training. Like you, I was unaware that ex-gays experienced systematic discrimination. I’m not really sure how you’d go about harassing an ex-gay. Would you yell “HEY, NON-FAGGOT!” out your car window at one? Or go up to a woman in a bar and say, “Hey, you don’t look anything like a dyke”?

But, trusting person that I am, I assume that there must be a lot of ex-gay basing if PFOX asks Disney for protection.  Thus, I made a little audio documentary about ex-bashing.

I hope you enjoy!

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

I’m talking to an outfit called Cyber Station USA on Saturday about doing The Hour of Bein’ Good on their internet radio station so I’m going through calls and interviews I’ve done in the past and I’m having such a lovely time I thought I’d share them with you…in alphabetical order

Abie Philbin Bowman
Abie Philbin Bowman is an Irish comedian that came through the States to do his show, Jesus: The Guantanamo Years, where Jesus comes back to Earth for the Second Coming Tour and, when he hits the US portion, gets detained as a Middle Eastern-type with no fixed address.

Caller – Are You Out Of Your Mind??
This guy pretty much went postal right off the bat. He said he’d call back but then he never did. S’too bad. He was a lot of fun!

Caller – How Can Jesus Like My Friend’s Fruitcake?
A few shows earlier, Billy Bob talked about how your soul was like a fruitcake and Jesus didn’t have to accept it if he knew it was going to be bad. This kid called up for some clarification.

Caller – The Most Fucked Up Person In The World
This guy called out of nowhere and thought he was playing along. Frankly, I thought I was pushing it too far but the guy was so hooked I couldn’t push it far enough. He finally lost his shit.

Interview Excerpt – Mehran Khagani
Mehran did two interviews with Billy Bob. I think he had fun.

Interview Excerpt – Onyx
Onyx is a Wiccan and a tarot card reader out of Buffalo, NY (but she reads via phone, too)  who was kind enough to host BBN at her Wiccan coffee shop. The show was a hoot! She’s called a few times and always makes it tough to stay in character. I’m not a big tarot person but she’s damn good.

Interview Excerpt – Roy Zimmerman
Roy is truly the heir to Tom Leher, so much so that he got invited to his house. He’s been gracious enough to do two interviews (well, three). This was an in-studio interview and has a live version of Creation Science 101. (And just to be a tad more whorish, check out the Zimmerman/BBN Duet, “Burn Goody Clinton, Burn“.)

Interview Excerpt – Tony Zirkle
Tony tried running for the Republican Primary for Congress in Indiana except he kinda talked to a bunch of neo-Nazis at a lunch celebrating Hitler’s birthday and enjoys talking about the Great Jewish Porn Dragon the corrupts white women into having sex with black guys. That pretty much put him out of the running. Although I’m sure the Nazis voted for him. And he did have a pretty innovative program called Derringers for Dildos, where women could swap their “divorce aids” for guns. Maybe “innovative” is the wrong word.

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)

I know, I Know, I KNOW! But, c’mon. Cut me some slack. Papatard is running for Congress?? HAHAHA! Guess the private money well dried up so it’s time to move on the public sector.  Not that he hasn’t been living off the state for awhile, anyway.

Papatard isn’t smart but he does have a certain cunning. But cunning without smarts equals jail. And Papatard knows a lot about that.

Papatard, for someone living off assistance, gained an awful lot of fucking weight over the past year. I never quite understand how folks pull that off. Does public assistance breed gluttony? Also, what happened to the cane he so pathetically waved around at his press conference. The second one that he got thrown in jail after.

For those of you who don’t know Papatard, he claims that he blew Obama in the back of a limo in Chicago in 1999. Oh, and Obama sold him drugs…because he gave the then State Senator the money to buy them. Oh, and that Obama killed three black guys who knew about it. And a bunch of other lies that I forget. Did he ever back any of this up? Of course not. He promised a whole bunch of stuff. He even put up a flowchart that showed a hierarchical map of which of the bloggers paid to torment him reported to whom.  I, apparently, had other “paid bloggers” reporting to me. Wish I’d seen ever 5% of the money that I allegedly got because it was rumored to be a lot.  It speaks to just how much shit he’s thrown out there the I can’t find it. It’s probably been taken down.

Anywho – Papatard self-published a book-length Penthouse letter about the whole thing (Dear Penthouse: I never thought that I’d be blowing a state senator…) and, not surprisingly, the “publishing company” shut down recently. I guess if you own a publishing firm you’re not supposed to mooch off government agencies. It speaks to just how cruel people can be to the handicapped when they report Papatard for such misdeeds. SHAME! Yet another persecution of the only honest man in America that went to prison three times and ran drugs and humans across the border.

Which is why, I assume, he’s running for Congress.

You’d be forgiven if you thought this post represented another flare-up of my Papatard fixation but you’d be wrong. In my last post someone commented that trying to understand wingnuts makes your head explode. I’m not sure why mine hasn’t but maybe the exception proves the rule. The thing is that in some odd, alternate universe, Papatard shines forth as the brightest star in the wingnut sky.

To Wit:

Family Values – This is a catch-all euphemism for hating gays and non-white people. Non-white people? When did it turn into a race thing? Wingnuts understand that Family Values is not just about non-propagation through, effectively, onanism. Yes, spilling your seed outside of a vagina and/or allowing something into your vagina that would not result in pregnancy makes Jesus cry. And, yes, not believing in Jesus means that you’re most likely a pedophile. But it also means that you belong to a race class of people that understand those rules, don’t live off the state and don’t sneak across the border to steal church pews from hard working Americans in direct contradiction for the Nth Commandment. It’s a proven fact – Jesus loves the unemployed, unwed, coke addicted, white single mother more than the unemployed, unwed, crack addicted, black or latina single mother. That’s why, as an unemployed, unwed, drug using, homosexual of Mexican descent, so many wingnuts flocked to Papatard.

Law And Order – Papatard did three separate bids in the Big House for fraud. In Papatard-speak, these represent “bad life choices”…that he made over and over and over again. He transported drugs. He transported people. He stole. If you listen to him talk about it, he sounds almost proud of it all. It’s like some fucked up variation on Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing”. More to the point, in Papatard’s Bizzaro-World wired head, being the “most vetted candidate” means he should win. Because he’s taken responsibility for his “bad life choices”. By this logic, the only person that could beat him in this election is Stalin.  Since Stalin committed worse crimes than Papatard, he’s the better candidate. Thankfully, Stalin is dead.

Character – Pretty much a re-working of the Law and Order section. You can trust Papatard because he’s been such a scumbag. You can trust Papatard because he trusts no one. Especially Joe Biden, who he claimed tried to force a special law through Congress to be signed by bush specifically meant to persecute Papatard. Such a brave, brave man standing up to power like that!

Anti-Government – Congress makes too much money. They feed off the American people like leeches with their big-time salaries and top-tier health care and nice offices and free plane trips. They bleed us dry and don’t leave enough money for people like Papatard to draw disability and social security from! FAIL!

Sexual Orientation – Papatard likes to play coy on whether he’s gay or bi-sexual. He’s not quite as coy on whether he swallows or not. He does. This makes him pretty the capo di tutti capo or teabaggers. Experience, after all, counts for a lot

It’s hard to imagine some other career criminal that could orchestrate a semi-serious bid for national (or even local) elected office. And when I say “career criminal” I don’t mean “white collar career criminal”. They’re already elected. Why, then, does even one person in the United States of America take Papatard seriously?

This, I think, is the key to the teabagging wingnuts brain: Papatard is such a scumbag that he has to be honest. He admitted to all of this horrible stuff about himself* – why would he lie to us?  To put it another way – if someone you disagree claims a statement is false, that’s proof that it’s true. Thus, if a liberal like myself presents any evidence factually refuting Papatard or death panels or any such issue then the facts I cite are fake. Even if they’re backed up by multiple sources since those multiple sources belong to the conspiracy against America.

To put it another way – Only liars can be trusted not to lie.

It’s pushing it a bit to far to claim that teabaggers and wingnuts learned this trick from Papatard. But in terms of de facto stonewalling and la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you-ism, many of these same folks got their intro to teabagging via Papatard.

Honestly, if I weren’t flat broke (hint – see that tip jar at the top of my blog? Use it!) I’d be donating to Papatard’s campaign. I have always believed that the rest of America needs to see these dangerous assholes rather than sweeping them under the rug.  I don’t always agree with MSNBC and Olbermann continues to tread the line between slightly unreasonable and unbearably pompous, but they don’t shy away from presenting these hypocrites in their natural environment.  Perhaps I’m too much of an anarchist, but liberals should allow the wingnuts to win the culture war. Let them show average Americans what a theocracy actually feels like. It’ll take four to six years of fascism for them to understand the mistake they’ve made. And then we can get some actual, permanent change in America.

*Note – Most of what he admitted to got dragged out of him. Rarely has he offered up information not found out by others first.

Hbee Navel (Gazing At)