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In Which Facebook Is Not A Right

April 28th, 2013 No comments

Recently, some idiot started whining about a conspiracy theory to shut down his freedom of speech on Facebook. Let me be clear – I vaguely know about this guy from other people but I’ve never followed him, barely read him and know nothing really about him. In short, I’m staying ignorant about it but for a good reason.

The ironically named, Low Genius, claims that “liberal” sites have conspired to shut down his Facebook page. Except it’s not shut down. His account got a thirty day ban. I’m not exactly sure why nor do I really care. I recently came off a seven day ban. My next ban, should it come, will be thirty days. Yes, it’s a pain in the ass but it’s the price you pay for voicing your varnished and unvarnished opinions. (I got a twenty-four hour ban for non-hyperbolically  saying, “I disagree with you”. Srsly.) I’m sure this happens on left-leaning pages, too, but many extreme right pages will cut off your ability to comment if you voice opposition to them or correct an outright lie. Many politically motivated people use the report button on Facebook as a weapon. It’s not right and I’m in no way defending this, having been on the other end of it.

Let’s take a moment to get some definitions correct.

A “site” refers to a website that you personally own and operate. You pay a service provider money. You admin your site. It belong wholly to you. You are the king of it.

A “blog” refers to a blogging service such as WordPress.com or blogger.com. These are free services although you can upgrade your service for a fee. The big point is that you are not in control of the service. You sign a terms-of-service agreement and that leaves you vulnerable to those who may disagree with what you post. Piss enough people off and you’ll get booted. This happens neo-Nazi and jihadist sites. It also happened to Baptists For Brownback, one of the funniest satire sites that I’ve ever read.

A “page” refers to a Facebook page (or Google+ page, if you swing that way). This is a free service. You sign a terms-of-service agreement and that leaves you vulnerable to those who may disagree with what you post. Piss enough people off and you’ll get booted. The big danger on Facebook is when you comment on other pages. Get some fanatic who thinks you’re Satan incarnate for calling him an idiot and it’s pretty simple for him/her to take revenge by reporting you. I honestly don’t know what the rules for timeouts are. I know that I’ve been through several of them and, honestly, I’ve deserved a few of them.

I said that I don’t know anything about Low Genius except what he told me. The biggest fallacy he operates under (outside of his page being taken down…it’s not…he just can’t post to it) is that Facebook is a website. In one of the numerous emails he sent to me, he tried to make that case that his page being down (aka: not being able to post) or having his comments removed from opposition pages is the same thing as a service provider removing content from someone’s website. It’s a cute argument and, if you take away the part where it’s free and you signed a terms-of-service agreement that puts you at the mercy of Facebook and those who moderate it, it might work. But…it’s free and you signed a terms-of-service agreement that puts you at the mercy of Facebook and those who moderate it.

Rightly or wrongly, Facebook doesn’t give a shit about your “free speech” nor does it have to. When you sign up for Facebook, you’re signing your right to free speech away. That’s not to say you can’t say whatever you want. You can. But if it gets taken down because someone reported you, you don’t get to whine about censorship. Why? Because when you sign up for Facebook, you’re signing your right to free speech away. Facebook is a business. It’s not America. Facebook dictates the rules to you and doesn’t care if you don’t like them. The best you can do in that circumstance is to get a hold of Facebook and plead your case. In Low Genius’ case, it’s that there is an evil cabal of liberals that are OUT TO DESTROY HIM AND TAKE AWAY HIS FREE SPEECH.

I hope I’ve written this well enough for you to see where it’s going.

Low Genius’ free speech has not been taken away. He still has it. Granted, for the next thirty days, he can’t use Facebook as a soapbox. He might, however, use his Google+ account…or his website…or MySpace…or Reddit or any number of other services that allow communications with other people. Put another way – John Henry is not in a dark dungeon somewhere with a blindfold and ballgag in his mouth.

I don’t need to know the topic or political bent of John Henry because it’s not important. The Facebook TOS governs Facebook. If you don’t like it, get off of Facebook. But don’t whine about your free speech getting taken away when you’re not paying for the service to begin with.

IRONIC POSTSCRIPT – Early this morning, I posted on John Henry’s Google+ account. In the process of checking the address for it I found out that (and I hope you’re sitting down) he’s blocked my access to it. HE’S STIFLING MY FREE SPEECH!!!

In Which I Post The Highlights From The Best Crosstalk Ever

August 9th, 2011 No comments

I’ve been off Crosstalk for awhile mostly because you can only listen to so much of this shit before I start having fantasies about playing Swimming With Sharks with Vic and the gang.

“Vic. There IS no homosexual agenda. What you claim is
the homosexual agenda was a satirical piece in a gay newspaper
that was read into the Congressional record without the pre-amble.
Say it!”

I’m not ashamed to say it. The lies and rationalizations warrant the harshest treatment imaginable. I heard a guy at an AA meeting once

If you wish good things for a person you hate for a month straight, that person at the end of them month that person will no longer be a problem to you. And it works. Usually, I wish that the person would go to Hell sooner rather than later.

A-fucking-men.

I guess it’s a sign of the times that the 8/5/11 Crosstalk stands out as the quintessential guide to xtianity. It literally shows you everything that’s wrong with this particular brand of SkyDaddy-ism.

Note: All clips are verbatim and not edited. There is one exception that I will flag. I cut out a chunk of crap for the sake of time.

Atheistic Scientists Waste Citizens Tax Dollars – Why do we bother exploring the universe when GOD created it? Three interesting things to listen for –

  1. “interesting”. Whenever a VCY host says this (and I’m pretty sure they’re trained on the proper inflection) you know that bitter, Christly sarcasm lurks just around the corner.
  2. “fiiiive yeeee-ers”. The setup for the punchline. Normal people might think, “wow! Jupiter! I wonder what that will look like?” xtians only see xtian oppression and proof America’s slow decline into Communism and race mixing.
  3. Faux-folksy chuckle – I actually admire their delivery. You can just feel the old folks sitting in their nursing home chuckling appreciatively and desperately trying to remember the joke so they can tell it to their nurse.

You Are Automatically A Member Of Whatever Group Endorses You – The Communist Party endorsed Obama so Obama is a Communist. Makes sense, right? Hagee endorsed McCain so that make McCain and anti-semite. White Pride Preacher Pastor Pete Peters endorses Jesus. That makes Jesus racist.

This is the one that is edited. I took out Jim’s recitation of the speech the godless Communist made which is all standard blah-blah and cut straight to the incitement to outrage of “get your reaction to that later in the broadcast.” News round ups need that punching up in case granny needs her memory jogged.

Taxpayers Paying For The President Doing Things That President’s Does – Whuh?? The President of the United States of America is going to travel around the country he’s the president of and talk to its citizens??? AND WE’RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT??? How fucking dare he! Spreading commie propaganda, promoting the homosexual agenda and denying the supremacy of Jesus on OUR DIME! What has this country come to?

It’s this kind of bullshit that makes me insane. As if Obama should pay for this out of his own pocket. Obama’s townhalls accept all questions. He does them completely unscripted. I believe he’s at his most powerful when he does them. All these wingnuts that say he can’t function without a teleprompter need only to watch a townhall to know that he’s actually better without it. What’s next? “OMG! Obama gets room and board at the taxpayers’ expense??”

Census Shows Gays Are Taking Over – Why bother to explain something when just stating raw facts with no context is so much more frightening? Gay households up 49% sounds like a lot…until you find out that the Census didn’t previously include gay households. Kinda puts that into perspective, huh? Which is why it’s not mentioned. The last thing you want is people feeling like the news may not be as horrific as it sounds.

Why Can’t We Teach People That Jesus Loves Blowing Shit Up? – When you need to hold a class to twist the Bible to support your agenda, there’s something wrong with your agenda.  Thus the Christian Just War Theory class (“Hey! C’mon, you pussy! It’s just war“) shouldn’t really be needed. Since the Bible is God’s inerrant word, we should all be het up and raring to wipe out the infidel Muslims, Commies, yada yada. Of course, if you’re using the King James Version (commissioned by bi-sexual King James) it’s gonna come out all wrong. Instead, use the Conservative Bible Project’s version and all becomes clear.

Laws Against Lying Aren’t Christian – The case that wingnut girls over at the Susan B. Anthony List, rather than staying home and taking care of their kids and serving their husbands the way God wants, instead descend, harpy-like, on anyone they feel isn’t anti-abortion enough. They did this to Steve Driehaus, a Democrat who voted for the Health Care bill. Even though the bill does NOT include “taxpayer funded abortion”, the girls put up billboards saying that Driehaus voted for taxpayer funded abortion. In other words, they lied. It’s what Addison DeWitt would call “a stupid lie, easily proven.”

SBA claims First Amendment rights for “criticizing a politician”. But when does outright lying become criticizing a politician? SBA, like most wingnuts, screams to what they take to be the heavens any time someone challenges them. Like Jesus, they willingly climb on the cross, dripping blood on anyone foolish enough to come to close to them. Outside of the illegality of blatantly lying about your opponet, one would think that the whole “thou shalt not bear false witness thing” would come into play. You’d be wrong.

What amazes, amuses and saddens me about Crosstalk is just how far the rabbit hole they are. They do shows on how it’s in the Koran that you’re allowed to advance Islam with seemingly no clue as to how their actions mimic those of the heathen infidels. It’s the same thing with religious supremacy. While claiming that bloodthirsty Islam won’t rest until the entire world converts to Islam, they believe that they can’t rest until the same wicked Muslims that want to convert the world to Islam convert to Christianity.

Old Chestnuts Never Die – One thing you may not understand about Crosstalk’s special brand of xtianity is their deep and abiding hatred of any physical connection between body and soul. It’s just not ok. Wicked things like “yoga” and “feelings” lead straight to the pit of Hell. I’m not kidding. They’ve done whole shows on the evils of Christian yoga which, according to them, can allow you to relax to a point where Satan can physically enter you. Basically, the moment you start feeling ok about yourself is the precise moment when you sin. Brannon Howse once said that he wakes up every morning and hates himself…so that he doesn’t sin. I would think he hates himself because he’s a lying, scumbag race-baiter, but that’s just me.

Either way, Crosstalk never misses a chance to talk about how “new-age spirituality” and the apostates who love it, will no doubt bring down “the church” if they are not stopped and not stopped NOW. It’s really the same Pavlovian trigger as “communist” and “homosexual agenda”. The image of the earthy-crunchy devil worshiper with their beads and their crystals fires up the base as much a black man being president. So when some group comes out with the 10 billion beats to cure the world the through the power of a drum circle….well…I think it’s ripe for ridicule but it’s not evil.

HEYA! Let’s go to the phones! It’s really the main reason to listen to Crosstalk. The hosts and guests rarely match the level of crazy that Brother and Sister Xtian can bring. To wit –

I’d Rather Be A Terrorist Than A Commie – Mark came loaded for bear. He had a statement and he was gonna make it, gosh darn it! It doesn’t matter that it makes no sense. He mostly likely heard it last night at the bar. Note the conditional “if I was a Tea Party member”. That’s some commitment! Note, too, how pleased Jim sounds.

How Can Obama Push The Muslim Agenda AND The Homo Agenda? – What a great question! If Obama is the devout Muslim that Shirley believes him to be, how can he push the homo agenda when Islam (just like xtianity) hates gay people? My question would be “Why don’t we ever get pictures of him bowing to Mecca?” Shouldn’t there be tons of those? Jim can’t actually answer the question so he falls back on the “Muslims can do whatever they want to advance their agenda” line, effectively saying “do you expect consistency from the wicked Nation of Islam?” The question is answered by a caller later in the program. It turns out Muslims are using the homosexuals to destroy America and, once it’s destroyed, will kill all the gays. Clever!

They Want To Make Us Give Up Our Capitalism – I love the callers that pretend they’re actually sticking to the subject when they’re going somewhere completely different. I also love callers the define “the enemy” as everyone who is not them. Thus, the New World Order consists of Jews, Muslims, gays and pretty much everyone who is not American.

Exactly how would one be forced to give up their capitalism. I was pretty sure the whole New Word Order thing was based on capitalism. Right?

Uhhhhhh…Uhhhhhh…Uhhhhhh…I’m Crazy – Why is this best Crosstalk ever? Because, almost as if by (intelligent) design, they save the best for last. Daniel probably doesn’t get to talk to too many people because he’s busy cleaning he’s guns when he’s not collecting his socialist unemployment check and/or disability. You really have to wonder about folks who listen to Crosstalk and STILL have to ask what the “Muslim bible” is called. He’s not even functional enough to remember that. And yet…there he is. Think about the construction of his statement –

Uhhhhh….Uhhh…what’s the Muslim Bible called? Right. Uhhhhh…uhhhh…Isn’t Islam bad?

But the coup d’ grace comes with “the chemicals in our food are destroying us.” Where the HELL did that come from? Perfect!

I really can’t urge you strongly enough to listen to the whole show. Completely worth it!

In Which The Teabaggers Brag About The Great Big Shiny Nickel They Got

May 17th, 2010 No comments

“Hey! A big piece of tin foil! Am I lucky or WHAT?”
Pee Wee Herman

This is one of my favorite lines from the original staged version of the Pee Wee Herman show. And if you haven’t seen it, then stop reading this and find it by hook or by crook. It’s a wonderful funny and real moment, capturing the joy and innocence of being a kid (albeit one that jerks off in movie theaters). I remember getting giddy finding a stash of rubber bands lying around and spending the next 3 hours working on my rubber band ball. I loved that feeling – the feeling of accomplishing something absolutely pointless, useless and selfish that did nothing to benefit society in any way shape or form.

Hey. Wait a minute. That sound like the teabaggers! “Hey! A big piece of hubris! Am I lucky or WHAT? Last week we had four people show up to protest BIG BROTHER trying to keep our food supply safe and this week we have FIVE people! WE’RE A MOVEMENT!” As any good ad-man knows if you even have one new person that shows up at an organized gathering, even to gawk, you can de facto say that the movement is growing. Nevermind the fact that you had to bus people in from out of state to make it happen (this after to you condemned ACORN for…um…bussing people from out of state). It’s all good fun until somebody loses an election.

I understand the paradigm. Really I do.  When I start pushing triple digits on this blog, I start getting…well, I get excited. However, I’m not claiming I have a hope in hell of changing public policy and that at some point in time the numbers will drift downward.   It’s called “facing reality” and the teabaggers, like Pee Wee Herman get big pleasure in small things…and then go and jerk off in theaters.

What have they got to crow about? Take a look!

You can see the power of the people in the results from our fundraising drive for Conservative Republican Sharron Angle’s campaign to Defeat Harry Reid.

While Reid and other establishment candidates get their money and funding from lobbyists, special interest groups and big corporations, we here at the Tea Party Express have asked individual Americans to step forward and help give Sharron Angle a fighting chance to get her message heard.

The response has been overwhelming.  You simply won’t believe it unless you see it with your own eyes.

Take a look at the list of people who have contributed $100 or more in just the past 5 days and see how we are using real grass roots power to take our country back!

Hm. Asking individual citizen for small amounts of money so you can avoid corporate lobbyists? I’m not sure but I think I’ve heard of that strategy before. But when? No matter, I’ll figure it out.

Still – an overwhelming response? Man! Good for you! That’s just great!  You guys must’ve really cleaned up. If Michelle Bachman’s opponent in the 2008 congressional race picked up a cool $438,000 for a congressional race in 24 hours, I can just imagine how much you guys came up with in 5 days.

Oh. I forgot the last part of the email

We have a long way to go to reach our goal for this $150,000 Money Bomb by Friday evening.  If you can support this fundraising drive with a contribution of $100 or more contribute  – HERE.

You didn’t reach $150,000 in five days? That’s just $30,000 a day.  And what a “money bomb”? And you’ve still got “a long way to go”? Um…being pathetic in front of your base is NOT a good way to sell your ideology. Still, they put a brave face on. I won’t bother to reprint the names of the 301 people that, over course of five days (aka: 60/day) contributed $100 or more since the teabaggers already did that.  What I will print is just how much these brave, brain damaged patriots coughed up.

$35,359

Seriously. As they didn’t print the final total, I guess they have some self-respect, although not much.

$35, 359. That’s a little over a fifth of their “money bomb” goal. Even better – They didn’t even get money from all 50 state.  Most notably and hilariously – Alaska!

Think about that for a second: No money came from Alaska. None. Or at least not in a chunk bigger than $99. Follow my logic on this

IF no money came from Alaska
AND Sarah Palin, the current Heather of the teabaggers, comes from Alaska
THEN Sarah Palin is too cheap/greedy/opportunistic/avaricious to give back to those who give to her.

Which, I guess makes sense because that’s what the teaparty comes down to – getting the rubes in the door, fleecing them and kicking them out of the street.

In order to reach their Friday goal they’ll have to scrounge up $29,000 a day. Given that about 84% of the donations were the $100, they’re gonna have to do a whole lot of teabagging to catch up. I guess they could try to get Sarah Palin to do a fundraiser for free but we all know that that’s not going to happen.

Oh, and if you’re curious about the 9 dollars – that’s because Gerard from Alameda, CA sent in $189. I’m guessing he kept that other $11 for overhead.

That’s what Dick Armey would do.

In Which I’m Busy But I Have Post This

February 9th, 2010 No comments

I am SO digging the American Family Association‘s American Family Radio podcast. It’s so chock full xtian hilarity, I may just not recover!

On the lame Focus on the Family Tebow Superbowl ad, they try so hard not to offend Dobson that they can barely talk.  They declare victory by trotting out an editorial from a  “liberal” columnist who claims that the global warming debate is over.  And since the global warming debate is dead, then cap and trade is dead. They repeatedly refer the the editorial as an “article”. Oh.  Yeah.  And she’s Canadian! Since when did wingnuts start caring about what the rest of the world says?  DOH! When they agree with the wingnuts! I forgot that xtians heart moral relativism. Color me embarrassed!

But it gets better! A bill called The Student Non-Discrimination Act got introduced on 1/27/10 that basically says don’t beat up LGBT kids. OR DOES IT??? Well, if you factor in the boy in Fulton, MS that got sent home from school for crossdressing then it all makes sense: if The Student Non-Discrimination Act gets passed it means that KINDERGARTEN BOYS WILL COME TO SCHOOL DRESSED AS GIRLS AND PERFORM HOMOSEXUAL ACTS IN THE CLASSROOM!!! I swear that they will!! How do you even make this shit up? It requires leaps of logic that are…well…biblical. (Me so FUNEE!)

Last but not least comes the best radio ad I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s for a company called Medi-Share (which in the ad sounds like “meta-share” making it harder to find – nice job, copywriters). Medi-Share is “where Christians share each other’s medical expenses much like the early church did 2000yrs ago.” Whoa! Jesus had an HMO? (“Yeaaaaah, I’m sorry, Jesus, but those nail wounds aren’t covered. You can pay out of pocket for them to get sutured or you can let ’em heal on their own.”) But, like a competently written comedy, you save the punchline for the end.  Really. It’s only a minute long. Listen to the whole thing. You won’t be disappointed!

Medi-Share Radio Ad

gtg, as the kids say!

In Which I Give You An Added Bonus!

January 3rd, 2010 No comments

While I’m going through Crosstalks, yanking audio, it’s worthwhile posting a few of the latest of the Back To Genesis series from The Institute For Creation Research. Their tag line is “Biblical. Accurate. Certain.”

“Certain”?

That’s one of those words that I use when I’m sure of something.

“I’m certain that I chanted ‘Hail Chucky’ three times before I put the chicken foot on my head….didn’t I?”

I don’t mean to get into my personal life.

I really wish they would podcast this series. Instead, they stick it in at the 20min break of Crosstalk so you have to edit them into their own file.  Perhaps that’s the point. If the rest of the nation heard what utter foolishness Creation “scientists” try to pawn off as fact, the series would shoot to number one on the comedy podcast list.

Lately, they’ve switched from talking about earthly matters such as how man couldn’t have come from monkeys

Proof Of Creationism – Man Can’t Swing From Trees

And proving that Noah’s Ark could have held two of everything

Noah’s Secret? Dinosaur EGGS!

BTW, BTG can’t even stay consistent within itself. “Dozens of horses”? Um. You’d only need two, right?

To heavenly matters such as solar eclipses

And…Um…God Made It

And how there is no fucking way that Jesus will walk on the Moon.

Fuck The Sun! God Loves The Earth More!

I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’ve jumped the shark, but they’re certainly running out of material. As my friend, Kevin Harrington, pointed out, “It’s kinda like they’re saying ‘here’s a bunch of information and, btw, God made the world.”

And, because I can’t seem to stop, here’s one of my top three

Noah’s Elves

See, the Bible is the inerrant word of God, right? It’s the history of the world and how God made it. So, just because God spends entire chapters on on geneology and sacrifices made unto doesn’t mean that everything is in there. Just because it doesn’t talk about Noah sub-contracting some of the ark construction to outside firms doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Got it?

Neither do I.

In Which I Didn’t Know They Had Integrity

May 19th, 2009 No comments

I totally forgot about one of my new favorite sound clip from Crosstalk.  I have to admit that I don’t listen every day because I’m too busy worshipping Satan and searching for new commandments to break – I mean, it seems like there’s a whole lot more than ten out there.  Anywho – somebody must have done some pretty good trolling because all of the sudden the policy on calling in changed.  No longer will they pick up any old call, no, no – you must have a valid caller ID or they won’t even pick up.

Vic Explains The New Policy

YOIKS!

My favorite part is “the integrity of this show depends upon it.”  Whuh?  Integrity?  Vic, you’re “integrity” is, for lack of a better word, shit.  Especially since you spent a fair amount of the first part of the show riffing on some black helicopter World Net Daily “article” about how the 2010 census is using GPS to map people’s front doors and how GPS was used in the Iraq to send missles through windows.  Of course, you assured people, you weren’t saying the government was planning on killing Americans.  Not American forces, at least, since Obama was “decimating” the military.  But if some force decided to invade America and had to locate a certain house, they probably wouldn’t know English and would have to rely on GPS to figure it out.  And since Obama had mapped all of the houses with GPS then what makes you think that he wasn’t working for…well…no need to say more.  As any lawyer knows, you don’t have to explicitly say what you mean to inflict damage.

Yes, Vic, among the sane and thoughtful, you’re integrity is like Ted Haggard’s butt – stretched and lax.  Remember that time you had the conversation with the guy that said that since homosexuals were immoral they couldn’t feel remorse and therefor could kill anyone they wanted to and not care?  A person of integrity would have at least challenged such insanity.  You didn’t.  A person of integrity wouldn’t allow a host like Ingrid to knowingly let a caller rewrite history

John Lennon Killed Immediately After The Bigger Than Jesus Statement

Rather, your integrity is like honor among thieves – it sounds good but it’s just not true.  They’re still thieves and by any objective standard, you still lie and, worse, enable others to lie through your silence.

In Which I Post Someone Else’s Letter

March 31st, 2009 No comments

[Note – Newton Wilcox on the Board of Directors of www.shelleytherepublican.com, which is to say he’s a fucking nutcase.  This letter was leaked to me anonymously and is posted without comment.]

Dear Mr. Justice Scalia

It goes without saying that God is the judge of us all, but until Jesus returns to earth to judge the naked and the dead (and if they’re naked it’s pretty much assured that they’re going to Hell) then you, and NOT Barney Frank, are the right man for the job. How dare he call you a homophobe!? This “politically correct” term is used simply to demonize those who hate gay people. I hate broccoli. Does that make me a broccoli-phobe? According to Mr. Barney Frank, I guess that it does. I guess you’d better just ship me off to Barack HUSSIEN Obama’s food re-education camps that he’s setting up even as we speak. What kind of country has America become when you are forced to not only eat but to enjoy hummus? I guess you can call it “change” but I, for one, do not believe in it.

You well know, sir, that God founded America to spread democracy and the English language throughout the rest of the world. If this isn’t true, then why was the Bible written in English?! (And, parenthetically, thanks to President Bush Iraquis are now beginning to put u’s after q’s the way they’re supposed to. Mission accomplished!) As you said so eloquently in your dissent against the decision to let Texas become an openly homosexual state, the “agenda promoted by some homosexual activists [is] directed at eliminating the moral opprobrium that has traditionally attached to homosexual conduct.” If I was a smarter man, I’d understand all of those words but it seems pretty clear that you understand that the homosexual agenda wants nothing more than to make all heterosexuals get divorced and force them to “marry” someone of their own sex. We know this to be true because Dr. Dobson and the Rev. Ted Haggard have told us so.

What’s less known, and the reason for this letter, is that all of this is being driven by the powerful Unitarian Universalist lobby in Congress. How do we know this? All you have to do is follow the money. Who stands to gain from homosexual marriage and the destruction of the moral fabric of our society? Unitarians, that’s who. Besides Satanists, Unitarians are the only other “religion” that performs “same-sex” ceremonies. Thus, the Unitarians stand to gain untold riches from fulfilling Satan’s plan of turning America from a once proud and powerful capitalistic country bursting with nuclear weapon capabilities into a filthy, third world hippie commune overseen by Charles Manson. Was Jesus killed by the Jews for this? I think not.

I’d like to personally thank you for standing up for the American values of traditional marriage and Christianity as laid out in the Constitution of this great country of ours. I’d also like to thank you for helping Justice Thomas get comfortable with a job that seemed to be pretty much over his head. Fortunately, you’ve told him how to vote and everything has worked out for the best.

In closing, let me just say that you are my favorite Supreme Court Justice even though you’re a Catholic and you can look forward to my vote in 2012 to keep you on the court!

Yours in Christ,

Newton Wilcox
Board of Directors
www.Shelleytherepublican.com

In Which It’s A Bang AND A Whimper AND Neither

November 27th, 2007 4 comments

*I'M* outta order!??? 

At 11:17pm stopped at Summer St and Mt. Auburn, I sat in my car staring at the Dunkin Donuts sign.  I really shouldn’t, I told myself, you don’t really need a donut.  I agreed, but just as I turned left onto Mt. Auburn my other shoulder angel (I have two) said, fuck it – after that town council meeting you deserve a goddamn donut.  I agreed.  And it was satisfying.  It wasn’t satisfying.  I’m not going to tell you what I thought about it.  Maybe I’ll tell you on the 30th.  Maybe I didn’t even get a donut.  Shame!  Shame on you!

Confused?  What the hell do you expect after three and a half hours of the Marilyn Devaney Show town council meeting?  No one knows if this was her penultimate town council meeting – only her hairdresser knows for sure.  And maybe a priest friend.  She gave nothing away so it’s hard to tell if her performance tonight was a Norma Desmond thing or just run of the mill Marilyn.

Sure, it started off nicely enough with the obligatory presentation on the background, current state of and suggestion for this year’s property taxes (an increase of 1.75% and a 25% residential exemption – please check facts in the Tab on Friday).  The presentation covered the ground thoroughly and prompted Marilyn to offer that “there’s really no questions to ask but…” and then continued to talk anway.

They went on to the issue of continuing to double of property tax exemptions for the elderly, veterans and the blind and agreed to do so.

Marilyn then laid the groundwork for things to come by insisting that her last minute agenda item be brought up.  Clyde said no, not yet at which point Marilyn pulled a cross out of her purse and began to nail herself to it.  “I PUT TWO AGENDA ITEMS ON AND YOU TOOK THEM OFF!  WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED THE COURTESY…” and you can fill in the rest yourself.  Clyde worked the gavel and did his bad parenting thing where he tries to calm her down by yelling back at her.  (Sidenote – is there any way we can swap the wood gavel for one of the squeaky plastic ones?  It’s much more appropriate.)  Somehow, Marilyn understood that she could bring one of the items up after the last scheduled item.

Donohue then brought up the desire to explore moving the town council towards becoming a paperless body.  The idea is that each councilor would get a laptop, prompting Devaney to ask the musical question – “Does this mean we’d by nine laptops for nine people?” and assert that “I don’t even have a computer.”  It’s not Marilyn without a conspiracy theory and she didn’t disappoint, quickly pointing out that email was just another form of serial calling.  “This,” she stated unequivocally, “is another technology that can be abused.”  Oddly, enough, so are microphones.  It’s hyperbole to say the brakes were off that that point but not much.  Lawn, after enthusiastically backing the idea finished off with, “I object to a councilor accusing this council of serial calling.”  Despite the fracas, the councilors managed to stay on topic and not get too far baited.  Sideris did a Reagan impersonation pulling out a thick stack of papers that constituted all the revisions of the Coolidge School lease.  At the end of it, they agreed to pursue the idea.  Even though I support the idea, I’m not sure it’s ready for prime time since laws still dictate paper copies of everything for the public record and, unless they’ve hidden the SSID, Town Hall does not have wireless yet.

The show began in earnest.  Rather than gracefully present her agenda item, Marilyn started off with a diatribe about her mistreatment on the council and how this item got knocked off the agenda of the last meeting and “WHERE IS THE DEMOCRACY!!??” when she’s not allowed to -.  Clyde cut her off.  “You’re bringing it up now, right?”  With the wind taken out of the sails of her ego,  she read the full, horribly written text of a resolution to tell the Mass. Municipal Association to sever ties with the ADL over their denial of the Armenian genocide.  Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think that any government document should contain the word “hypocrisy”

Hecht, a member of the MMA, spoke about the process the MMA was going through.  While he supported a resolution he felt that he could not vote on it since “we got it 15 minutes ago and….”  Marilyn doesn’t need permission to speak, so she cut him off revisited the theme of “I PUT TWO AGENDA ITEMS ON AND THEY WERE TAKEN OFF!”  More gavel action from Clyde (squeak-squeak-squeak…see how great that would be?!!).  We all took a side trip to visit “Yes-You-Did-No-I-Didn’t-Land. 

(Sidenote – If I could write music, I would compose a duet called “The Harpy And The Mole” with a soprano sax and a bassoon.)

Marilyn’s fury reached it’s peak with what I believe to be the greatest single thing I’ve ever heard from her.  Imagine it’s 1979 and Marilyn is Al Pacino in …And Justice For All.  Clyde squeaks the gavel and tells her that she’s out of order and she belts out, “THIS WHOLE GOVERNMENT IS OUT OF ORDER!!”  Really.  I swear.  It was all I could do not to laugh out loud.

Hecht, sensing a way to regain control, began to say something and, because Marilyn doesn’t need to speak, she cut him off…again.  “DOES HE GET TO SPEAK TWICE?  DOES EVERYBODY HERE GET TO SPEAK TWICE EXCPET ME??”  Clyde wet his double reed and piped, “I think he’d like to finish his statement”.  Hecht, who I believe to be the model of decorum, calmly finished his statement – We just received this.  We should have a chance to look it over, discuss it and make changes to the language so that it represents the whole council.  My translation – Don’t think you’re going to push this horribly executed documents down our throats just because it’s a good idea.  Let’s vote to talk later.

Here’s why Marilyn is bad for the town council – Clyde made the motion to table the resolution for later but because of the all the drama it took five minutes to simply understand what they were voting on.  Right up to the vote, Marilyn’s addled mind still thought they were voting for the resolution.  It would be one thing if this was an isolated incident but too frequently all the quacking and honking obscures the actual work that should be accomplished.  Finally they voted to table it while Marilyn intoned, “Shaaaaaame.  Shaaaaaaame on youuuuu,” as if she were the wife of Jacob Marely.

I can only hope she was talking to herself.  Where the hell does she get off sitting in judgement on the rest of the town council?  Damn near everyone on that the town council plays by Robert’s Rules except her.  The “shame” is in the time that she wastes with her shrill, petulant, childish chiding of everyone.  I’m not surprised that she can’t find the democracy since she spend so much of town council dictatorially monopolizing the discourse.

I won’t go into her ballot initiative which met the same fate and pretty much followed the same script.  Instead, let’s skip of 11pm and “Announcements”.

“I have an announcement,” Marilyn said, her voice trembling.  “First off, I’d like to  apologize to the citizens of Watertown for losing it…”  Not surprisingly, this turned out NOT to be an apology but a doubleplus good rationalization of her abhorrent behavior and, in a move she should patent, disclaiming any responsibility for it.

And then – oh, boy…oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy – how to approach this?

Before I continue let me just say that I know that I can be a bit of an asshole.  I take full responsibility for that.  I may not see things the same way as you.  I’ve been known to over-analyze benign things into something shadowy and unclean.  I don’t think I’m always wrong, though.

One of the classic ploys is the “Did you say something about my mother” gambit.  What’s great about it (from the point of the executor, that it is) is that no matter what you say and even if you say nothing, you wind up getting your ass kicked.  Another great ploy, as bush will tell you, is to use tragedy.  Who in their right mind would argue with a 9/11 survivor?  I mean, besides Ann Coulter.

When you spend as much time as Marilyn screaming about how you’re not allowed to talk and then start off a speech with “Please respect me and not respond to the comments I’m about to make” well, the blood rises to my head.

The speech, such as it was, said…nothing.  If you’ve read her stuff in the Tab, you get the idea.  She would not accept any speeches or tokens of thanks for her service.  Her deceased husband, a firefighter, did not receive anything for his service.  She recounted in great detail for everyone to hear all of the wonderful things that he did anonymously.  He didn’t expect (or receive) appreciation and neither would she.  He didn’t want it and neither did she.  But if she did, he wouldn’t be there to witness it.  But she didn’t.

It left many scratching their heads.  What did she say?  It sounded like she was pissed off that the town did not recognize her husband, but was she?  Should we do something about that?  Did this mean that she would not follow through on the recount?  Or was this speech a hedge in case she lost the recount?  Was this the Watertown version of the Checkers speech which is the final word in passive-aggressiveness?  Like a sphinx guarding the Curlergates, Marilyn kept mum, letting her words hang in the air like sticky cobwebs you can’t brush off.

Will town council, as Clyde was quoted as saying, run smoother without Marilyn?  I can’t imagine it wouldn’t.  Easily an hour could have been chopped off of the running time had Marilyn kept within Roberts’ Rules OR Clyde finally tossed her out for contempt.

After we filed out, dazed and bleary-eyed, someone said that town council meetings could get very dull without Marilyn.  “That’s true,” I said, “Godfather 2 is almost three hours long, but I enjoy sitting through that.”

Categories: Lovable Psychos, Watertown, WWMDD Tags:

In Which I Kind Of Live Blog The Viva Las Vegas Debate

November 15th, 2007 No comments

I’m watching with a slight delay via DVR.  God bless technology!  However, my wife is not keen on stopping, starting, rewinding etc, so it’s still mostly live blogged…kinda.

Did anyone see the premeire show of Project Runway?  The designers were given access to $50,000 worth of fabric and told to come up with something that showed who they were.  A lingerie designer did a baby doll dress that looked like lignerie and got trashed for it.  Others created dull, unimaginative clothes.  One woman showed the judge exactly what she was like and the model could not walk in it.  This debate is much like that show.  Obama, Clinton and Edwards are dull and uninspired – they look, sound and act like politicians.  Biden, Richardson and Dodd sound like they care.  Kucinich is the only truly authentic one up there, but too many people will trip over him.

Sadly, we’ll be saddled with the unimaginitve politicians who look the part and will do nothing differently.

Obama’s gonna be a new kind of politician! HOT DOG!

Wolf’s lost control already!

Hillary is getting her ass kicked.  This is a fucking cage match.  Edwards stare will be the front page thus far.

I’m thrilled that some of this hierarchical “front runner” stuff is coming to the forefront.  This should be a primary in which America gets to see everyone who’s running not just the top three folks the press ordains as worthy.

Biden sounded great, Dodd sounded great, Richardson’s sucking up again – I like everybody except the top three.

I (HEART) Kucinch! – “I won’t vote for someone who uses war as a policy tool”.  Oh….*swoon*

GRRR – Driver’s license question – Blitzer is just looking for the sound bite.  Why is he shouting down Kucinich?   Worst.  Moderator.  Ever. 

Did I hear the question right – “Mr. Kucinch – tell me what you hate about unions.”

Biden – “Show me your budget and I’ll tell you what you value”.  Amen.  Sadly, everyone on the stage to still value war (Kucinich, excepted)

Richardson – Isn’t sucking up anymore.  Human rights more important than US Security.  That’s an amazing statement and completely true – the US should practice what they preach.

Oh great!  Obama won’t let terrorist get nuclear weapons!  YIPPEE!  He wins! (/sarcasm)

**boredom and hugging my wife**

Why, I ask you, WHY does Kucinich get the biggest applause and the least respect?

(Here’s an idea – Let’s have a townhall meeting with our talking heads)

Obama slams Hillary as playing with numbers like Romney or Giuliani and you want to trust him to not saber-rattle with Iran?

Categories: 2008 Debacle, Lovable Psychos Tags:

In Which An Old Favorite Returns

March 8th, 2007 No comments

Tracy Givens is back!!

Sometimes you leave blogs RSS’d even though you’re sure they’re dead.  The Front Porch Podcast comes to mind ;-).  And sometimes they suddenly spring to life like a psychotic Snow White

And so, Tracy Givens is back to…well, it’s not clear yet.  He’s apologized to the Borrows family for accusing them of psycho-electronic mind control to destroy his life.  You might think that Tracy’s lost his edge and sees the world in a new, possibly pharmaceutical, way.  Have no fear! 

Lastly, due to the electronic attacks to my body I had to have eye surgery and might have to under go one more to repair the damage done by this group. This was three weeks ago and one of my eyes is healing very well, however the electronic attacks are still taking place…

Prosecution of the culprits is close at hand, so keep an eye out!

Categories: Conspiracy, Lovable Psychos Tags: