Archive

Archive for the ‘Ridicule’ Category

In Which Facebook Is Not A Right

April 28th, 2013 No comments

Recently, some idiot started whining about a conspiracy theory to shut down his freedom of speech on Facebook. Let me be clear – I vaguely know about this guy from other people but I’ve never followed him, barely read him and know nothing really about him. In short, I’m staying ignorant about it but for a good reason.

The ironically named, Low Genius, claims that “liberal” sites have conspired to shut down his Facebook page. Except it’s not shut down. His account got a thirty day ban. I’m not exactly sure why nor do I really care. I recently came off a seven day ban. My next ban, should it come, will be thirty days. Yes, it’s a pain in the ass but it’s the price you pay for voicing your varnished and unvarnished opinions. (I got a twenty-four hour ban for non-hyperbolically  saying, “I disagree with you”. Srsly.) I’m sure this happens on left-leaning pages, too, but many extreme right pages will cut off your ability to comment if you voice opposition to them or correct an outright lie. Many politically motivated people use the report button on Facebook as a weapon. It’s not right and I’m in no way defending this, having been on the other end of it.

Let’s take a moment to get some definitions correct.

A “site” refers to a website that you personally own and operate. You pay a service provider money. You admin your site. It belong wholly to you. You are the king of it.

A “blog” refers to a blogging service such as WordPress.com or blogger.com. These are free services although you can upgrade your service for a fee. The big point is that you are not in control of the service. You sign a terms-of-service agreement and that leaves you vulnerable to those who may disagree with what you post. Piss enough people off and you’ll get booted. This happens neo-Nazi and jihadist sites. It also happened to Baptists For Brownback, one of the funniest satire sites that I’ve ever read.

A “page” refers to a Facebook page (or Google+ page, if you swing that way). This is a free service. You sign a terms-of-service agreement and that leaves you vulnerable to those who may disagree with what you post. Piss enough people off and you’ll get booted. The big danger on Facebook is when you comment on other pages. Get some fanatic who thinks you’re Satan incarnate for calling him an idiot and it’s pretty simple for him/her to take revenge by reporting you. I honestly don’t know what the rules for timeouts are. I know that I’ve been through several of them and, honestly, I’ve deserved a few of them.

I said that I don’t know anything about Low Genius except what he told me. The biggest fallacy he operates under (outside of his page being taken down…it’s not…he just can’t post to it) is that Facebook is a website. In one of the numerous emails he sent to me, he tried to make that case that his page being down (aka: not being able to post) or having his comments removed from opposition pages is the same thing as a service provider removing content from someone’s website. It’s a cute argument and, if you take away the part where it’s free and you signed a terms-of-service agreement that puts you at the mercy of Facebook and those who moderate it, it might work. But…it’s free and you signed a terms-of-service agreement that puts you at the mercy of Facebook and those who moderate it.

Rightly or wrongly, Facebook doesn’t give a shit about your “free speech” nor does it have to. When you sign up for Facebook, you’re signing your right to free speech away. That’s not to say you can’t say whatever you want. You can. But if it gets taken down because someone reported you, you don’t get to whine about censorship. Why? Because when you sign up for Facebook, you’re signing your right to free speech away. Facebook is a business. It’s not America. Facebook dictates the rules to you and doesn’t care if you don’t like them. The best you can do in that circumstance is to get a hold of Facebook and plead your case. In Low Genius’ case, it’s that there is an evil cabal of liberals that are OUT TO DESTROY HIM AND TAKE AWAY HIS FREE SPEECH.

I hope I’ve written this well enough for you to see where it’s going.

Low Genius’ free speech has not been taken away. He still has it. Granted, for the next thirty days, he can’t use Facebook as a soapbox. He might, however, use his Google+ account…or his website…or MySpace…or Reddit or any number of other services that allow communications with other people. Put another way – John Henry is not in a dark dungeon somewhere with a blindfold and ballgag in his mouth.

I don’t need to know the topic or political bent of John Henry because it’s not important. The Facebook TOS governs Facebook. If you don’t like it, get off of Facebook. But don’t whine about your free speech getting taken away when you’re not paying for the service to begin with.

IRONIC POSTSCRIPT – Early this morning, I posted on John Henry’s Google+ account. In the process of checking the address for it I found out that (and I hope you’re sitting down) he’s blocked my access to it. HE’S STIFLING MY FREE SPEECH!!!

In Which Jesus Is Not An Objectivist

April 20th, 2011 No comments

[Note: The audio version of this will be available sometime soon on The Pod Delusion. Thanks to Salim Fahdley and James O’Malley for that.]

The impending release of the film version of Atlas Shrugged reminds me of one of the lowest, darkest and most desperate periods in my life. Actually reading Atlas Shrugged.

Looking back, I realize that I fit the social demographic perfectly – I was emotionally retarded.  Just out of high school, friends with a lot of girls but with no girlfriend and having turned my back in mild defiance of Christianity, I desperately searched for some reason to explain why I always wound up on the losing end of things when I felt as if I gave so much. 21st century me now knows that I was simply an enabling co-dependent with low self-esteem and the solution lay in the halls of Al-Anon, a therapist’s office and perhaps some serotonin inhibitors.

20th century me, however, grabbed for the biggest, longest and most unwieldy book I could find to make me not feel stupid. At that point, it could have been any book, but it turned out to be Atlas Shrugged. During the summer of 1980 I devoured every line and possibly even masturbated to the image of sharp-featured, dominatrix Dagny Taggart. I knew nothing about objectivism  or Ayn Rand or what a miserable human being she was. All I knew was that, finally, I found good, concise, well-reasoned reasons to tell the rest of the world to fuck off.  I was, at last, better than everyone else.

And I’m terribly, terribly sorry for that.

If, for some unknown reason, you plan to see movie version of Atlas Shrugged, it’s important to arm yourself with this key fact – Rand was a loser who wrote books for losers. Objectivism isn’t so much about strength as it is about not being perceived as weak.  It’s about BIG talk and BIG ideas and BIG actions that can only exist in a self-deluded world of fiction where silly things like “fact”, “logic” and “the laws of gravity do not exist.

Which is another way of saying it’s the perfect Republican bible.  Or would be if Republicans didn’t already have a bible.  But they do. And it’s called “The Bible”

And the two books simply cannot co-exist in the same philosophical space. Sorry.  Just can’t happen. It’s like matter annihilating anti-matter – it ends in an explosion of stupidity and schizophrenia, which, now that I think about it, is the current definition of the Republican party.

If you’re unfamiliar with either books, here’s a brief synopsis.

The Bible: Book one –  God makes everything. He tells the Jews they’re the chosen people and to obey him. They don’t.

The Bible: Book Two – God takes a different tack and decides to rule by guilt. He kills his son, a nice young man who tells us to love each other and help the poor, and condemns us to Hell if we don’t continually thank him for that. And then the world ends.

Atlas Shrugged – The world is going to hell, so all the smart people leave and set up their own cool kids club in a magical pristine canyon that nobody can find. They live happily ever after never having to care about poor people or clean up after the mess they helped create.

Notice any areas of dichotomy there?

Jesus –  And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go [and] sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come [and] follow me.

John Galt –  Fuck the poor

Jesus –  Gimme some loaves and fishes and everybody eats

John Galt – If you think you’re getting any of MY food, think again, leech.

This is why America is so totally screwed right now – Right-wing Christian teabagging Republicans have the ideological hots for an amphetamine-addicted, atheist adulteress.  The party that damn near closed my government down because women shouldn’t have the right to abortion because God don’t like it reaches for the Viagra when they read Atlas Shrugged. The party that whines about gay marriage as an affront to God has no such problem when it comes to Ayn Rand. The party that spits on me because I’m not Christian swallows when it comes to Ayn Rand.

After all, I’m not the one that said “Faith is the worse curse of mankind, as the exact antithesis and enemy of thought.” That was Ayn Rand

In Which CrossTalk Comedy Writes Itself

December 13th, 2009 No comments

The funny thing about Crosstalk is that you can spend 5000 words writing about it and still not do as good a job exposing them as hypocrites as they do themselves.

Matt Barber of oddly name Liberty Council came on the show NOT to bash gay people but to show how much xtians love them.  He did so by condemning gay people as violent, spittle spewing sinners possessed by demons.

Spittle Spewing Homos

The love continued with examples of how violent gay people stormed a church and…didn’t really hurt anybody.  Except the kids.  Who had to look at gay people.  And, I guess, all the closeted gays and lesbians mooning over the HOTT gay activists.

Violent Homos…That Don’t Hit People

And in the coup d’ grace (pretty gay phrase, huh?), Barber slits his own throat by blatantly laying all of his cards on the table.

HAHAHA!

Early in the program, my youngest daughter, sitting in bed, playing games on my iPod and listening, asked me, “how can you listen to this stuff??” By the last clip she was howling with laughter and derision.  Just as she should.

Never say I’m not a good dad! *laffin*

In Which Joseph Farrah, Jim Schneider, Vic Eliason, Brannon Howse and Ingrid Slueter May Rape Puppies

August 11th, 2009 No comments

First off, I have no idea if they do or not.  I can’t see into their souls or know what they do when no one is looking.  And if it’s true, I’m sure they wouldn’t want anyone to see the kind of shocking immorality personified by having forced sex with little tiny dogs.  One wonders how you would go about such a thing.  Would you have to tie them down?  Would you drug them first so they were docile?  I really can’t answer these questions.  No can know for certain if the founder of World Net Daily and the on-air staff of Crosstalk America, a Christian radio talk show, engage in the kind of acts that Jesus would most certainly frown on.  But no one can rule it out, either.

Can they?

After all, the halls of Christian broadcasting lie littered with the remains of the fallen – Baker, Swaggart, Haggard – you know who they are.  Circumstantial evidence would suggest that if you make your living broadcasting your love of Jesus that there’s a high probability that you hide some deep, filthy secret that at some point in time will come out.

To be clear – I’m not accusing them of sadistically and brutally violating cute, fluffy, innocent, cuddly puppy dogs for base, sick, sexual gratification.  I said up front – I don’t know if they do.

Still, I call upon them to devote a segment of Crosstalk America to address these possibly damaging allegations – to give them to proper airing and vetting that they demand of…say…the President of the United States.

You see, Crosstalk isn’t actually a Christian radio show.  I used to give them benefit of the doubt.  No longer.  They morphed into a political extremist group singularly focused on overthrowing the American government and replacing it with a theocracy similar to that of Iran.

When you allow so-called “journalist” Joseph Farrah to spout the most irresponsible lies and half truths about the President of the United States, you have left the realm of humanity.  And, as Crosstalk will tell you, once your morals go, anything is possible – even puppy fucking.

Here are few of the myriad pieces of filth that Farrah spews

  • There’s evidence that Obama’s grandmother is his mother
  • Obama may not actually know his true relationship to his family
  • Obama probably did not write either of his books
  • Maybe it’s a co-incidence that Hillary Clinton “who’s in succession for the Presidency” just happened to travel to Kenya
  • Farrah will not trust the Director Of Public Health’s confirmation of Obama birth certificate – he needs to see it himself
  • Every Kenyan believes that Obama was born there and that should be proof enough that he was

I’m trying think of another time in which a political figure was accused of not being the mother of her baby and people condemned the rumor as baseless and proof of how low the political process had sunk.

Oh yeah.  Sarah Palin. To even suggest impropriety in that case got the torches of the religious right burning and the nooses looped.  Of course, it wasn’t up them to prove that it wasn’t true.  The accusers had to prove it was true.  Sarah was too demure to get her feet dirty answering such spurious charges.

So, Crosstalk Staff, where the hell do you come off insisting that the President of the United States respond to shit that you fling at him?  Really – is this the biblical way to act?  Does Jesus condone the kinds of lies and whispering that you give voice to?  Is your faith in God so weak that you will not trust in God’s plan for us? Do you honestly believ that it is incumbent on YOU to bring down a democratically elected official?  Do  you hate America that much?

Once more, I have no proof whatsoever that Farrah and the staff of Crosstalk are anything other than garden variety hypocrites whose zeal causes them to forget the teachings of the God they profess to believe in.  Apparently, though, you don’t need proof to make conditional statements – “they may,”they might”, “it’s possible”, “evidence leads me to believe that”, “it’s within the realm of possiblity.”

Thus, I call on Joseph Farrah, Jim Schneider, Vic Eliason, Brannon Howse and Ingrid Slueter to take to the airwaves and spend the hour assuring me, personally, that, despite baseless claims to the contrary, they do not rape puppies.  Furthermore, they need to take calls from the listeners – I’m sure they’ll have some questions.

Note: I have never understood those who said they felt physically sick listening to something.  I know do.  I literally almost threw up listening to this show.

In Which Todd Tiahrt Doesn’t Read People Magazine

May 8th, 2009 No comments

Just a little background – The Family Research Council is the political arm of Dobson’s Focus on the Family comedy club that Tony Perkins (not the dead, gay actor) runs.  Tony (not the dead, gay actor) puts out the Washington Watch Weekly podcast which tells the base who to hate and how much to hate them.  Thanks to the podcast I now know that abortion discriminates on the basis of “age, size and place of residence”.  I wish I was kidding.

Like most xtians, Tony doesn’t care about the truth and doesn’t expect his guests to, either.  They’re free to spout whatever egregious lies pop into their head as long as it advances their agenda.  In fact, at the end of the last weeks podcast, John Sununu, former governor of New Hampshire, railed against the legislature for legalizing gay marriage.  He darkly told the base that homos and liberals (and, please, sit down for this) used money to help candidates sympathetic to gay causes get elected!  Didn’t I tell you to sit down?  Yes, they used the American political process to advance their agenda which is just about the sleaziest thing a person could possibly do.  I’d feel badly but I’m too busy thinking about the Muslim kitties I’m going to have sex with after I finish this.

Todd Tiahrt (pronounced tee-hart and thank you Google for understanding what I meant when I searched for him) gave a bravura performance demonizing national healthcare by either 1) not listening to his wife during the passing of Natasha Richardson or 2) outright lying.  Let’s let Todd tell us a very scary story about how the Canadian healthcare system killed her.

A Very Scary Story

Now let’s hear what really happened.

On 16 March 2009, Richardson sustained a head injury, when she fell while taking a skiing lesson at the Mont Tremblant Resort in Quebec, Canada about an hour and a half from Montreal. The injury was followed by a lucid interval, when Richardson seemed to be fine and was able to talk and act appropriately. Paramedics and an ambulance which initially responded to the accident were told they were not needed and left.Refusing medical attention, she returned to her hotel room and about three hours later was taken to a local hospital after complaining of a headache. She was transferred from there by ambulance to the Hôpital du Sacré-Cœur de Montréal in critical condition and was admitted about seven hours after the fall. The following day she was flown to Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, where she died on 18 March.

Tiahrt wants you to beileve that the evil Canadians refused her healthcare.  Except that she initially refused treatment and she wasn’t Canadian so blaming the Canadian healthcare system is (and there’s really no other phrase for it) fucking retarded.

But, wait, Todd’s not done.

Not only does the Canadian system suck but the Mexican system sucks, too, because it “hasn’t been able to cope with this swine flu”.

Another Evil Story

WHUH?

Let’s think of the swine flu as ants in your house.  You see a bunch of ants nibbling away at (in my case) the mound of cedar wood cat litter that gets scratched out of the box and onto the floor.  So you grab a broom, sweep the litter and ants into a dust pan and dump the contents into a plastic bag.  You knot the plastic bag, sealing the ants inside, and then throw it in the garbage.  It’s called “containment”.  Thus, the number of ants are significantly reduced.  If you just left them to their own devices you’d soon have a house full of ants.

Given that the swine flu was projected to kill every living thing on the planet and that Mexico pretty much locked everything down, killing of tourism for a week or so, I think the Mexican healthcare system did a pretty goddamn good job of dealing with swine flu.

It’s also interesting to note that Todd stresses that healthcare is 15% of our economy.  So it seems pretty clear that Todd doesn’t care as much about who gets help as he does about who’s going to finance his re-election campaign.  So that he can continue to advance his agenda.

In Which Chris Wallace Might Actually Be Retarded

March 22nd, 2009 No comments

Remember before the election I was saying some non-mean things about Faux Noise?  Hoo!  Dunno what I was thinking or even if I was thinking.  Anywho…

When I was 19-ish, I moved back home (and this was before it was trendy).  I’d done a year of college in a theater program and gotten an offer to keep on with the children’s theater I’d worked with over the summer.  The theater was in the town my parents lived in.  Serendipity!  Even more so, my mom had moved out temporarily leaving my dad to fend for himself.  So if I wasn’t exactly welcome, I was useful.  For a while, at least.

Then there came the day where I got the ultimatum or the GTFOOMH speech.  He yelled.  I yelled.  Conditions and counter-conditions flew.  I couldn’t put up with him.  He couldn’t put up with me.  I still kinda needed his money, though, and he hated grocery shopping and doing the dishes.  In the end, he gave me a month to get out.  I got out in two weeks.  I’d lost that symbiotic feeling.

The moral?  Where there’s a will there’s a way and no matter how broke you are, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

I buckled down, stopped drinking my money away (for a little while) and made it work.  It wasn’t that hard.

So, now we have AIG that wants to leach off the taxpayers much like I leeched off my dad.  And they’re all pissy because we asking them to be in by midnight, make sure the car is gassed up and not piss away millions of dollars on retention bonuses for the people the fucked up the company and then left rich.  But they still want our money.  Even though other sections of the company are doing fine.

And along comes Chris “I’ll Have The Reagan Black Hair Dye” Wallace who, despite theorectically understanding capitalism, still thinks like a socialist.  Or a really bad parent.

Listen to Chris Wallace:  Suuuuper Genius

Chris – listen up:  No private company has to take money from the government.  Ever.  If it does, though, it is beholden to the government and therefore the people, because it took our money.  Corporatons should NOT get free, no-strings-attached money to do with what they wish.  That’s called “welfare”, Chris.  And as you and the rest of Fucked News love to point out – it’s a dis-incentive.  Give corporations free money with no responsibility and the next thing you know, AIG will be hanging out on streets corners, getting girls pregnant and then leaving them without a father.

Chris – you should know better than that.  No company needs to “do business” with the US Government.  For you to suggest they would want to suggests that you don’t even understand the whole conservative “small government” thing.  Let me explain – if you screw up you shouldn’t look to the government bail you out.  That’s not what the government is for.  You can’t disparage Obama for running up a deficit bailout loser companies and then complain that said losers have to do something stupid like follow rules.  M’kay?

Chris – put the football helmet on and apologize to your dad.

In Which I Posted On The New Majority

March 3rd, 2009 No comments

Isn’t blogging lovely?  If I felt like it, I could post the word “ocelot” everyday until my hosting company went out of business!  Yesterday, someone said they started a new blog but couldn’t think of anything to write.  Normally, that’s not a problem for me.  It’s not the subjects I have trouble with, it’s the time and space to actually get them down.

David Frum, writing at the New Majority, has a heartwarming piece that, if he were a liberal, would be called Fuck Rush.  He finishes off, thusly

But do the rest of us understand what we are doing to ourselves by accepting this leadership? Rush is to the Republicanism of the 2000s what Jesse Jackson was to the Democratic party in the 1980s. He plays an important role in our coalition, and of course he and his supporters have to be treated with respect. But he cannot be allowed to be the public face of the enterprise – and we have to find ways of assuring the public that he is just one Republican voice among many, and very far from the most important.

Amen!

Plenty of the commenters agree with him.  Plenty of the commenters effectively call him, as Rush would, a faggot.  I’ll probably be called a faggot, too, for leaving the following comment –

The fact is that Rush does nothing. Nor does Medved. Nor does Randi Rhodes. Nor do ANY talk show host. If you want to hold up Limbaugh as the savior of the right then elect him president. If you believe he’s right on every issue and that only he can save America then it is your duty as an America to do so. Not to take this action proves that you hate your country…or you don’t have the courage of your convictions. It’s a simple as that. If Limbaugh refuses to run then he is a coward. If he refuses to run then he is admitting that he is, for lack of a better phrase, “all talk and no action”. That goes for all talk show hosts. It’s the easiest thing in the world to make up insults like “Hitlery” and “Feminazi”. You cannot govern with those words, though. Governing takes intellect and tact. Limbaugh has none of those. Instead, he is the middle school football dad kicking the crap out of a referee because he knows more than the ref but is too unstable and lazy to do the job himself. You may hate Al Franken but he had the guts to get out from behind the mike and put his words (faith?) into action. Limbaugh can’t and won’t. In the real world, you can’t scream insults into the face of world leader and expect to get your way. It’s time to put away childish things and one of those things is Limbaugh.

How does Limbaugh do when he has to physically face his opposition?  Horribly.  That’s why he’s on teh radio where he can keep his little bubble in tact and not have to witness the destruction he causes first hand.  That’s why he’ll never run for office – because once you physically see him and he can see you, he turns into the chubby third grader that got his ass kicked over and over again for mouthing off.

Enjoy the sight of ordinary Americans verbally kicking the shit out of Limbaugh.  I did.

In Which YouTube Puts You Down The Tube

January 22nd, 2009 1 comment

Take look at this title –

Canada – Evil Empire Or Third World Country

Notice anything odd about it.  Is Canada evil?  Is it part of the Third World?

If you have not spent the better part of a decade or four in a vat of lysergic acid you’ll probably answer “no” to both of these questions in which case you’re left with two viable options.

1) The person that came up with the title could well win the “Most Fucked Up Person On Earth” title

2) It’s a joke.

A piece of advice – when faced with that kind of choice – go for the joke.

When you watch a video criticizing Canada for having a corn and maple syup based economy and how there are corn fields 1/2 a mile outside of major metropolitan cities – it’s a joke.

When you read something along the lines of “Calling people a buncha names isn’t a substitute for a debate, you stupid retard loser,” it’s a joke.

When you…well, I could go on for days and days.  The moral of the story is that censorship is completely random.  I’ve been part of campaigns to get videos taken down from YouTube and NOTHING has been done despite so-called “community standards” rules.  I guess baseless accusations are only allowed on YouTube if you’re serious about them.  If you’re joking, they’ll get trashed.

How many complaints does it take to get a video removed?  Beast me.  They won’t say.  It could be one complaint, it could thousands.  What’s almost funny is what they tell you when, after fifteen minutes of digging, you find the complaint form.  This is it:

We are unable to provide specific detail regarding your account suspension or your video’s removal. For more information on our what we consider inappropriate content or conduct while using YouTube, please visit our Community Guidelines and Tips at http://www.youtube.com/t/community_guidelines and our Help Center article at http://help.youtube.com/support/youtube/bin/answer.py?answer=92486.

Translation – Why did we take it down?  You’ll have to guess because, frankly, we’ve got better things to do than bother with customers.

I’m both pissed and pleased, though.  Pissed because out of the 73 BBN videos on YouTube, one of the LEAST offensive got pulled.  And pleased because out of the 73 BBN videos on YouTube, one of the LEAST offensive got pulled.

I don’t get it, sometimes

Check out the original video on Facebook.

In Which I Couldn’t Stop Laughing

June 25th, 2008 5 comments

Ok.  It should be known that I do a lot of trolling meaning that I like stirring shit up.  There are a lot of ways to do it but the easiest way is through comments on the target’s blog.  The hardest is an out and out troll blog and, yes, I have a couple of them.  One of which got linked to as an authoritative source for information on papatard.  THAT was a score of epic proportions and thank you sooo much to the anonymous asshole in Chicago that linked to it.

You’d think that trolls should be able to spot other trolls at the drop of a hat.  It’s not so.  At heart, most trolls do it to advance their political and/or social agenda.  Unless their just psychopaths.  Thus, I’ve fallen for troll sites hook line and sinker.  One of the “whitey” videos I found particularly horrendous, turned out to be a joke.  I wrote back to the guy and congratulated him.  It’s only right.

Thus, as you wend your way through tardville (which encompasses the larrytad sites as well as papatard’s web-lie) you start to ask yourself, could all of this be one big elablorate joke?  Could this be the prank of all pranks?  Can people actually be this blindly stupid to believe this textbook case of the ultimate loser?  And just when you’ve convinced yourself that it’s a joke, you remind yourself that almost nobody can fake a prison record or an arrest warrant and the next thing you know your curled up under the covers in your bed in fetal position, rocking slowly back and forth, wondering if America can survive until at least your great-grandkids are dead.

But just in the depths of your despair, the universe gives you another gift that makes the whole thing absolutely fucking hysterical, so THANK YOU, CITIZEN WELLS!

A brief recap – papatard had his press conference at the end of which he was arrested on an outstanding warrant in Delaware.  He spent a couple of days in…well…let’s call it a hotel that the larrytards didn’t have to pay for.  Apparetnly, the…um…hotel staff didn’t get the message that papatard is in constant chronic pain and frequently can feel certain parts of his body, whatever sounds most pathetic in the moment.  (papatard, as you remember, can’t eat because of an ulcer and, instead, claims he drinks 36 pepsis a day “to keep his weight up”.)

Anywho, he finally got sprung and I’m too lazy to find out how much it set the larrytards back if, in fact, they had to pay for it.  He’s currently stay with “a host” who I pray to GOD has a Sam’s club membership because 36 Pepsis a day runs into a nice chunk of change and papatard’s broke because his Social Security benefits got cut off for BEING A FUCKING CRIMINAL.  Ooops.  Sorry about that.

To continue – we all know that the entire world is against papatard’s valiant struggle to someday present the evidence that he blew Obama while blah blah blah.  HOWEVER – Citizen Wells recently discovered the chink in the armor of papatard’s persecutors – SEN. JOSEPH BIDEN!  You heard that right.  Biden is the key to the whole thing because Biden’s SON is the Attorney General of Delaware and TWO DAYS before papatard’s press conference, guess who submitted legislation to “encourage States to enter new and outstanding felony warrants into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) database”?

SEN. JOSEPH BIDEN!!

Game!  Set!  Match!

Oh.

Wait.

That’s really stupid.

Why the FUCK would a US Senator 1) even know about papatard and 2) care enough about him to push forward a bill that would have no effect on papatard’s press conference?  He introduced the bill.  No one voted on it.  Is Citizen Wells suggesting that the federal government tried to push through legislation in two days simply to arrest some three-time loser after his press conference?

Why, yes, he is!

Is that not one of the funniest things you’ve ever seen in your whole life?

Why, yes, it is!

Seriously, I’m glad that no one was home when I read Well’s blog.  I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the cops.

OH SHIT!  I almost forgot the punchline!  Not content with acting like a papatard wannabe, accusing Senators of malfeasance, Wells ends this post with what could be called “The papatard Credo”

Senator Biden, are you, your son, the Attorney General Of Delaware, or any member of your staff, responsible for any of these attacks and smears on Larry Sinclair?

Senator Biden Or Attorney General Biden,  I suggest that you
investigate what has happened to Larry Sinclair and respond on
this blog or with a public statement. No response will be
considered an admission of guilt.

a-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  “No response will be considered an admission of guilt”!

Ok – how’s this then

Citizen Wells – Is it true that you rape puppies and then feed them to weevils?  Is it true that you are nothing but an opportunistic hack with absolutely no sense of morality whatsoever?  Is it true that you actively ignore the blatant lies that papatard has told in order to boost your own pathetic sense of self?

No response will be considered an admission of guilt!!!

Kisses!

UPDATE 7pm – Wells has not yet responded.  He is guilty.

UPDATE 7:30pm – Wells has not yet responded.  He is guiltier than he was a half hour ago.

UPDATE 2:00am – Wells has not yet responded.  I have been hoping that he would because I like to think the best of people.  But he looks more and more guilty.  My stomach is tied up in knots over this.

UPDATE 8:30am – Wells has not yet responded. You really have to ask yourself – why wouldn’t he clear his name?

In Which papatard Is In Jail

June 18th, 2008 6 comments

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to type that.  Really.  Excuse me while I do a little victory dance again

.

.

.

.

Thanks.  Sorry about that.  But papatard is in jail and I’m thrilled.

Now, before you jump to any conclusions, he’s not in jail because of the Obama bullshit.  His incarceration is hopefully the beginning of the karmic comeuppance due to him.  It’s known that it’s for an outstanding warrant, probably from Delaware, although there’s still a Colorado warrant outstanding, as well.

What’s lovely is that he was arrested shortly after the press conference ended.  And I mean, shortly.  From the way I understand it, he left the building and, according to “moma”, was arrested by two “U.S. Marshalls”.  This means that barely had the notion of how badly the press conference went sunk into his Augustus Gloop head when John Q. Law swooped in and slapped the cuffs around his bologna-sized wrists.  I don’t care who you are – that’s some kinda harsh.  Not as harsh as what I’d hope for, though

Cops – Are you Lawrence Wayne Sinclair?
Papatard – I’m doing a press conference.
Cops – I asked you if you Lawrence Wayne Sinclair?
Papatard – Yes.
Cops – You’re under arrest.  Please come with us.
Papatard – SECURITY!  THROW THESE COPS OUT OF MY PRESS CONFERENCE!!
Cops – Jesus, you really are retarded, aren’t you.
Sibley – Now see here, you can’t just arrest my client on an outstanding warrant!
Cops – You’re Sibely?
Sibley – Montgomery Blair Sibley Esq!  Yes!
Cops – Nice kilt, asshole.  You’re under arrest, too for contempt of court.  Your license to practice law is suspended.
Manning – I HATE WHITEY MORE THAN JEREMIAH WRIGHT BUT NOBODY’LL PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!
Cops – Shut the fuck up. (to audience)  Press conference is over, folks.  Move along.

He was simply whisked away like…well, a common criminal.  No champagne.  No after party.  No all night orgy paid for with somebody else’s money.  Just a hopefully dank and depressing jail cell where papatard can have a horrible night’s sleep while he prays that, despite the definate possibility of flight risk, they’ll let him out on bail…paid for by somebody else’s money.

I haven’t had the chance to listen to the whole press conference yet.  I’ve been too busy tooling around in the Rolls Royce Drophead Coupe with the trunk stuffed to the bursting point with non-sequential hundred dollar bills that Axelrod personally dropped off at my house after the arrest. (He begged me to go on roadtrip to Montreal and I told him to give me the keys and then to go fuck himself…which he did).  I did, however, get to watch an excerpt of the video on YouTube and what I saw made me giggle.

What?  Me guilty?

Now, the kind among you might say that one screenshot doesn’t mean anything, so go ahead and watch the video.  Let’s check in with someone who was there – Seth Colter Walls from the Huffington Post

It is not often that a political reporter can claim to have witnessed the single most stupefying event on any single day, what with the diversity of inanity on display from coast to coast in an election year. But today, I feel confident laying claim to that dubious distinction, for I attended Larry Sinclair’s Wednesday press conference at the National Press Club.

Low praise, indeed.  Throughout the video, papatard seems ill at ease and combative.  He’d say that it’s because of the spinal damage he incurred that left him on permanent disability makes it difficult for him to stand.  But why did he stand, then?  Take away the podium and sit at the table!  Hell, FDR did it, right?  No, no.  Not papatard.  He wants the podium, the pulpit.  He wants to preach just like his hero, crazy fucked up Pastor Manning.  See, that’s what they do on the television.  They stand behind a podium.  So, in the David Lynch movie that plays without irony in his head, he stands.  Is it going too far to ponder if he had a hard-on during the entire thing?  We conjecture – you decide.

I’m sure there will be more PC talk later, but the money shot of the video (kudos to CNN!) comes around 6:50 when in a brilliant moment of actual truth telling, papatard says, (in response to the classic, “you’ve been a scumbag for most of your life, why should we believe” you question)

Well, to be honest with you, it’s not so much as to whether you believe me or not, as much as you hear me.

And that’s papatard in a nutshell.  It contains every single thing you need to know about this twisted, fucked up ex-con.  He doesn’t care about what anybody thinks.  He doesn’t care that people laugh at him and heap ridicule on him.  He only cares that you acknowledge his existance.  That he is alive.  And he doesn’t care what he has to do to make that happen.  He’ll lie, cheat, steal, bilk – it doesn’t matter.  It’s like he never stopped listening to Tommy: The Who.  I once wrote a sketch about some loser child who is so desparate for attention that he claims to be autistic – “HEY!  LOOK AT ME!  I’M AUTISTIC!  CAN’T YOU HEAR ME??  I’M TALKING TO YOU!”  Little did I know I was writing about papatard

papatard LOVES to talk about personal responsibility and how he (*cough* *hack* *wheeze*) has ALWAYS accepted it.  He talks about walking into a police station and turning himself in.  But it wasn’t, I believe, that he was accepting responsibility – he was making an enterance.  He talks about it as if he were some God of Morality showing the commoners how it’s done.  But, like most things, he downplays the fact that he first committed a fucking crime.  You don’t turn yourself into the cops for no reason.  You don’t get brownie points for doing the cops’ job for them.  Wanna take responsibility?  Don’t be a fucking criminal. Free advice, I know, but pretty good advice.

If he wasn’t an attention whore, then how could he, in good conscience, spend thousands of dollars of other people’s money and say…jack shit.  I’ve skimmed (not perused) through the press statement and it says nothing that hasn’t been said anywhere else.  More importantly, there is no evidence brought forward, no relevations made, no nothing.  It ends, as did his first abortive lwa suit against, of all things, the DNC to make them stop harrassing him, by insisting that Obama address the lies that papatard tells.  It’s truly an alternate universe he lives in where the accuser simply accuses and then goes home, because, I guess, that’s what accusers do – accuse.  He literally misses a major part of the concept of justice.  Perhaps it’s because all his life people have accused him and he’s been innocent every single time but just not able to disprove it.  Hence the accusations against him puts him away for another bid in the pokey simply because he could not prove them false.  So now it’s his turn to make an accusation and gloat about how Obama can’t disprove it.

Anywho –

His arrest changes absolutely nothing.  Literally.  We are where we were this morning only with papatard in jail.  The larrytards still support him, of course, and support him with more fervor.  Their leader has been wronged!  How dare he be called to question for some silly little crime he committed?  How DARE Mitch and Nan meddle in things that have no concern to them??  How DARE they try to get a criminal off the street??

No, papatard is a emotional fiscal vampire who will continue to suck money and souls out of the larrytards and, when they complain, cut them off brutally.  He’s already done it a couple of times.  papatard has created a cult – a true, unwavering cult – that lives and breathes only for the sweaty, sausage fingered touch of papatard.  As stated before, his suspended lawyer, Sibley, said that Jesus was persecuted, too.  And moma – my god – if you have any doubt as to why papatard is as fucked up as he is – taken a gander at this

I am so proud of him. The cesspool [The Mitch and Nan Show] can giggle all they want but they can never be as good a citizen as he is. Mistakes & all.

Proud?  Forgive me the judgment, but the day that I’m proud of my kid for being a career criminal that ran drugs, trafficked in humans, defrauded companies and people and tried to bring down a presidential candidate with a poorly constructed fairy tale, please take me out to the desert, tie me down and leave me to die slowly so I can think about how badly I failed as a parent.

Still, you celebrate the victories you have.

Stop by http://themitchandnanshow.wordpress.com and thank the crew for their hard work