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In Which Lou Reed Turned To Rust

March 30th, 2010 No comments

“i’m/waiting for my man/i got 26 dollars/in my hand”
Lou Reed 1967

“i’m/waiting for my man/i got 26 purchase orders/in my hand”
Lou Reed 2010

I’m pretty stunned right now. When I saw a headline that read Lou Reed Has An iPhone App, I got pretty excited. Lou Reed + Laurie Anderson + iPhone? How could that not be a win? Brian Eno’s Bloom app blows me away and holds a prominent position on my iPhone (did I tell you I got the real deal, finally?). It’s worth every penny you pay for it – gorgeous, fun, relaxing, creative. It’s just about perfect. So what might Lou and Laurie come up with? Maybe some game where you buy heroin? Or a Lou Reed lyric generator? Or maybe defacing the Statue of Liberty?  What, what, WHAT could it be?

Of course, he did a YouTube video for it. So I clicked play and…

Ol’ Lou is literally “Old Lou”. It’s hard for him to read the contacts on his iPhone so he had some college student build him an app.  So he could read his contacts.  On his iPhone. And then sell the app.

It’s called LouZoom.

And I feel like weeping.

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2010/03/lou-reed-has-iphone-app.html
Categories: Capitalism, Disillusionment, Lame, Lou Reed Tags:

In Which Republican Values Shine With Unbridled Hypocrisy

December 3rd, 2007 No comments

Sixteen years ago, Joseph C. Phillips fucked Halle Berry for money.  That is to say that Hollywood paid him to simulate the sexual act so that generations might gain insight into the culture of the early ’90’s.  Acting is an odd profession and not for the squeamish.  Chloe Sevigny got paid to perform actual fellatio on screen.  Is there a difference between her and an extremely well-paid prostitute?  Does that make Joseph C. Phillps a extremely well-paid male prostitute?

Mr. Phillips never broaches this subject in his speech before the ultra-wingnutty Young American Foundation but like a high-school quarterback in middle age who won’t shut up about date raping the prom queen he wants you to know that, indeed, he fucked Halle Berry.  And it was goooood.

Why is he bringing this up?  Did you not understand?!  He fucked Halle Berry.  Yeah – THAT Halle Berry.  The mega-superstar Halle Berry.  And if he doesn’t get that out of the way none of the guys in the audience could possibly pay attention to any of the very serious wingnut dogma he plans to spout because every single one of those Young Americans (who, given this is a college crowd, were at best six years old when the movie came out) will be chomping at the bit to as the same question everybody asks – what was it like to kiss Halle Berry?  Seriously.

Kissing Halle Berry

If you knew anything about Joseph C. Phillips (and who doesn’t) you might say to yourself, “Self, the Phillips’ have been married thirteen years and this incident happened sixteen years ago so why even bother to throw in the ‘not as good as kissing my wife’ part?”  The fact is that he doesn’t mean it, anyway.  In that grand Republican tradition of not valuing your wife, he takes it back.  In case you couldn’t hear, I “pumped up the volume” as he might say.

For The Ladies 

HOO!  It gives me a vivid image of his wife standing in the wings and laughing as she slowly traces the path the razor would take along her wrists.  I never understood this attitude that “men” take towards their wives.  The first glimpse I got of it in the real world was at a restaurant I worked at.  The conversation went as follows

Guy 1:  Whaddya doing tonight?
Guy 2:  Oh.  The usual.  Drinking some beers.  Fuck the wife.  Fall asleep watching TV on the couch.

Marital bliss.  Even odder was the reaction of a boss when I told him I was getting married.  “Oh,” he said, “I’m really sorry about that.”  Huh?  I was unaware that it was 1959 and I was living in the Catskills.  And yet listening to Joseph C. Phillips this is pretty much “the return to family values” that he’s fighting for – the good old days when wives were seen and not heard; when “manhood” meant you never got called on your harmless little meta-jokes about your ambivalence towards your wife.

And your kids.

Joe Loves (Most) Of His Kids

There’s a heartbreaking scene in Mr. Saturday Night where Billy Crystal, playing a Milton Berle-type comic with a national show, goes into a typical I-Hate-My-Kids routine popular in the 50’s and 60’s while his young daughter watches and wonders what she’s done to make him so mad…and why America is laughing at her.  Again – these were the good old days when good girls didn’t report rape and when daddy snuck into your room you kept your mouth shut.  In other words, the days when America had God and family values.  Why anyone would want those days back is beyond me.

What’s the basis of conservative thought in America?  I don’t think it gets much clearer than this heartwarming story.  NOTE – I left the original substantive pause in at the end of this.  The more I listen the more I wonder if Joseph C. Phillips is standing, arms crossed, head nodding like Mussolini or whether the audience is just stunned.

He BEAT HIM

As I listened to this in car, I very nearly caused an accident through shock and surprise.  Not because of his truly gleefull and sadistic reading of the phrase “he BEAT HIM” since children in wingnut fairy tales always get beaten – that’s part of the point: Children must be beaten to learn properly.  No, I expected some type of moral more along the lines of “the boy with the big coat would grow into it thereby getting more use out of it and the boy with the smaller coat should get a job or tell his parents to get off welfare”.  In the world of the wingnut, though, this is a perfect story.

Hey, do you remember how Joseph C. Phillips fucked Halle Berry for money?  Man, that sounded like the high point of his life, didn’t it?  Halle Berry! IN BED!  DAMN!  Well, she’s a whore.

Halle Berry: She’s What’s Wrong With America

How could someone that he shared fake cinematic intimacy with want to destroy America?  Why is her pregnancy celebrated?  She should be ashamed and have her Oscar taken away from her and all of her movies destroyed (except for Strictly Business) rather than applauded.  But, damn, she was a good kisser.

This leads, as you would imagine, into a fire and brimstone denunciation of all things Hollywood.  Yeah.  An working actor screaming about immorality in Hollywood.  And more than that, an actor who spent more than three years on (wait for it) General Hospital.  YES!  A soap opera actor where the plots involve serial infidelity, homosexuality, murder…you name the commandment and they’re breaking it.  The industry that came fairly close to getting shut down for all the skin it bared.  It’s one of the premier examples of the pot calling the kettle African American.

If you need proof that Hollywood is evil and hates America, consider this – No one has made a feature film about the fall of the Berlin Wall.  Nobody.

Case closed.

God bless you, Joseph C. Phillips for opening my eyes.

In Which MTV Is An Activist Organization

September 10th, 2007 No comments

As I was curious to see what the target audience thought about Mrs. Spears performance, I went over to MTV.com to find out.  Perhaps I was sleepy, but I had a hard time finding what I thought would be the lifeblood of MTV – feedback.  After all, wouldn’t they want me (assuming I was a 14yr old girl) to gush about how AWESOME Mrs. Spears’ performance was?

Apparently, not.  I had given up on finding some kind of forum type thing when I saw this

mtv.jpg

“Activism”!  I’d forgotten that MTV is “all in your face” about politics lately and rocking the vote ‘n shit.  Why not check it out before toddling off to bed?  Ladies and gentlemen – I give to you the MTV Activism Message board!

mess_board.jpg

Sadly, I’m not joking.  This is it.  A Choose or Lose question and then a bunch of topics for marketing interns to pretend they not only watch Laguna Beach but actually LUV it.  Remember how, when MTV first launched, we laughed at people who said MTV would destroy music?  I’d like to formally apologize to those people.

I plunged ahead and checked out the All Things Pop section.  This seemed like the best place for Britney reviews.  Indeed, some started ” BRITNEY>>>OMG!!!!!!!!!!!.  The “buzz” was that she sucked and the kids seemed genuinely disappointed in some case.  I left some disparaging messages not only about Brit but about MTV submissiveness toward the music industry and went to bed.

And now, as Paul Harvey says, here’s the rest of the story –

This morning, among the other emails that greeted me, was this one

Your post has been deleted because it violates the MTV.com Terms of Service in one or more ways. Further violations could result in the closure of your MTV.com member account. Please review both the Terms of Service(www.mtv.com/sitewide/mtvinfo/terms.jhtml) and Community Guidelines (www.mtv.com/sitewide/mtvinfo/guidelines.jhtml) before posting again.Thank you,MTV.com

I guess that was to be expected.  One guy said that he was personally going to make sure that people remembered Brit.  I replied that semen-encrusted pages of old fan magazines wouldn’t be enough.  Who wouldn’t delete that?  But then I read a little further.  They quoted the offensive message that jeopardized my status on the activism board

If she wasn’t such a miserable moron, I’d have felt badly for her. She and MTV get what they deserve – ridicule. Who in their right mind would allow a drugged up skank to open even a super market, let alone the VMA?And when will you show MTV that you’re tired of them pimping artists like BS simply because the music industry tells them to? Call your local radio station and tell them not to play her miserable song or you’ll boycott them.Wake up, kids! This board is listed under the Activism tab – doesn’t this set off any warning bells? You’re being used.

Now THAT’S comedy!  At one point the thread had 35 messages.  It’s not down to 10.  That’s one busy little Activist beaver!  Fight the power! 

If it wasn’t for MTV rap would still be political and wouldn’t have become hip-hop.

In Which I Might Have Forgotten To Mention…

April 30th, 2007 No comments

…that you can buy some wonderful product from the Aren’t You Marilyn Store on Cafe Press.  I’m sad to say that I told the Globe the truth – that I’ve sold a bib.  Not that I’m all that surprised, mind you.  I didn’t expect much from my first attempt at parasitic opportunism.

Categories: Capitalism Tags:

In Which, In The Meantime, I’ll Gladly Sell You Product

April 27th, 2007 No comments

In the midst of puzzling out these new and exceedingly amusing developments with Marilyn Devaney, you can go over to Cafe Press and pick up some “Don’t you know who I am” hats, bumper stickers and bibs!  You can also pick up What Would Marilyn Devaney Do stickers, as well!

NOTE – If you’ve got a copyright and royalty free picture Ms. Meglomania of 2007, shot me an email – hbeeinc at gmail dot com.  Let’s tawk.

Categories: Capitalism, Watertown, WWMDD Tags: