Sixteen years ago, Joseph C. Phillips fucked Halle Berry for money. That is to say that Hollywood paid him to simulate the sexual act so that generations might gain insight into the culture of the early ’90’s. Acting is an odd profession and not for the squeamish. Chloe Sevigny got paid to perform actual fellatio on screen. Is there a difference between her and an extremely well-paid prostitute? Does that make Joseph C. Phillps a extremely well-paid male prostitute?
Mr. Phillips never broaches this subject in his speech before the ultra-wingnutty Young American Foundation but like a high-school quarterback in middle age who won’t shut up about date raping the prom queen he wants you to know that, indeed, he fucked Halle Berry. And it was goooood.
Why is he bringing this up? Did you not understand?! He fucked Halle Berry. Yeah – THAT Halle Berry. The mega-superstar Halle Berry. And if he doesn’t get that out of the way none of the guys in the audience could possibly pay attention to any of the very serious wingnut dogma he plans to spout because every single one of those Young Americans (who, given this is a college crowd, were at best six years old when the movie came out) will be chomping at the bit to as the same question everybody asks – what was it like to kiss Halle Berry? Seriously.
Kissing Halle Berry
If you knew anything about Joseph C. Phillips (and who doesn’t) you might say to yourself, “Self, the Phillips’ have been married thirteen years and this incident happened sixteen years ago so why even bother to throw in the ‘not as good as kissing my wife’ part?” The fact is that he doesn’t mean it, anyway. In that grand Republican tradition of not valuing your wife, he takes it back. In case you couldn’t hear, I “pumped up the volume” as he might say.
For The Ladies
HOO! It gives me a vivid image of his wife standing in the wings and laughing as she slowly traces the path the razor would take along her wrists. I never understood this attitude that “men” take towards their wives. The first glimpse I got of it in the real world was at a restaurant I worked at. The conversation went as follows
Guy 1: Whaddya doing tonight?
Guy 2: Oh. The usual. Drinking some beers. Fuck the wife. Fall asleep watching TV on the couch.
Marital bliss. Even odder was the reaction of a boss when I told him I was getting married. “Oh,” he said, “I’m really sorry about that.” Huh? I was unaware that it was 1959 and I was living in the Catskills. And yet listening to Joseph C. Phillips this is pretty much “the return to family values” that he’s fighting for – the good old days when wives were seen and not heard; when “manhood” meant you never got called on your harmless little meta-jokes about your ambivalence towards your wife.
And your kids.
Joe Loves (Most) Of His Kids
There’s a heartbreaking scene in Mr. Saturday Night where Billy Crystal, playing a Milton Berle-type comic with a national show, goes into a typical I-Hate-My-Kids routine popular in the 50’s and 60’s while his young daughter watches and wonders what she’s done to make him so mad…and why America is laughing at her. Again – these were the good old days when good girls didn’t report rape and when daddy snuck into your room you kept your mouth shut. In other words, the days when America had God and family values. Why anyone would want those days back is beyond me.
What’s the basis of conservative thought in America? I don’t think it gets much clearer than this heartwarming story. NOTE – I left the original substantive pause in at the end of this. The more I listen the more I wonder if Joseph C. Phillips is standing, arms crossed, head nodding like Mussolini or whether the audience is just stunned.
He BEAT HIM
As I listened to this in car, I very nearly caused an accident through shock and surprise. Not because of his truly gleefull and sadistic reading of the phrase “he BEAT HIM” since children in wingnut fairy tales always get beaten – that’s part of the point: Children must be beaten to learn properly. No, I expected some type of moral more along the lines of “the boy with the big coat would grow into it thereby getting more use out of it and the boy with the smaller coat should get a job or tell his parents to get off welfare”. In the world of the wingnut, though, this is a perfect story.
Hey, do you remember how Joseph C. Phillips fucked Halle Berry for money? Man, that sounded like the high point of his life, didn’t it? Halle Berry! IN BED! DAMN! Well, she’s a whore.
Halle Berry: She’s What’s Wrong With America
How could someone that he shared fake cinematic intimacy with want to destroy America? Why is her pregnancy celebrated? She should be ashamed and have her Oscar taken away from her and all of her movies destroyed (except for Strictly Business) rather than applauded. But, damn, she was a good kisser.
This leads, as you would imagine, into a fire and brimstone denunciation of all things Hollywood. Yeah. An working actor screaming about immorality in Hollywood. And more than that, an actor who spent more than three years on (wait for it) General Hospital. YES! A soap opera actor where the plots involve serial infidelity, homosexuality, murder…you name the commandment and they’re breaking it. The industry that came fairly close to getting shut down for all the skin it bared. It’s one of the premier examples of the pot calling the kettle African American.
If you need proof that Hollywood is evil and hates America, consider this – No one has made a feature film about the fall of the Berlin Wall. Nobody.
God bless you, Joseph C. Phillips for opening my eyes.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download