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In Which Brannon Howse Lies Through His Teeth

June 25th, 2010 5 comments

If you’re just an ordinary person trying to scrape by and don’t ‘t have a lot of time to check things out for yourself chances are good you find your “experts” and believe whatever they say. Despite the fact that Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council has a “good friend” that hires whores to dress him up in diapers, you’ll still believe Tony Perkins when he says don’t give money to left-wing, gay, socialist politicians. Despite the fact that Rush Limbaugh called for any drug abusers to go to jail, you’ll still forgive when he abuses drugs. Are there examples on the other side? Of course there are. But since the evangelical right never acknowledges their mistakes until someone holds their feet to the fire, then why should I?

The whole basis for the evangelical right (and I’m trying very, very hard to maintain some semblance of civility right now) is “truth”.  Not just “truth” but “biblical truth”. And not just “biblical truth” but unerring “biblical truth”. According to them only one “right” exists in the world. If you even acknowledge a second option in any question then you’re practicing “moral relativism”.  And that’s bad. Really, really bad.”  In their world, big-G God has one answer and one answer only. Of course, it depends on which sect of Christianity you belong to as to what that answer is. It’s simpler to quote their philosophy with a quote from David Mamet. “The other guy’s cigar always sucks.”

It’s that philosophy that allows them to hate the rest of the world and to decry “worldly things” simply because big-G God doesn’t, in their non-morally relative view, endorse them. Thus, they can decry mega-churches “diluting” God’s word in order to put butts in the seat while begging for money to keep their radio stations on the air. To put it another way – one side makes money from the folks who say “God is love” and the other makes money off the folks who say “God will destroy those who say ‘God is love’”.

One of the best ways to make someone believe something is through humility. Let me rephrase that. One of the best ways to make someone believe something is by listing all of the sins someone else is guilty of in the greatest possible detail and then saying that you don’t do those things.

Example:

There are a lot of ministers who, once the lights come down in the 10 million dollar mega-churches built with the money bilked from useless sheep that flock to their clarion call of sedentary salvation and moral relativism, think nothing of strangling little tiny baby kittens, freshly from their mothers womb and smearing their blood all over their faces. It’s not something I would ever do. Do I sin some times? Sure. We all do. We are of the flesh. I’m not holy. How can I be? But does that mean I can’t speak out about people strangling little tiny baby kittens, freshly from their mothers womb and smearing their blood all over their faces? No. It’s important that we do.

Another way is to tell your own sheep that if you’re ever wrong, all they need to do is bring it to your attention and you’ll apologize. Something along the line of this -

Beat Up Brannon Howse

That’s pretty straight forward, right? “I make a mistake, the Christian thing to do is admit, not make the same mistake and move on.” But built in to that statement comes a paradox. You worship someone because you believe they’re infallible. If you believe they’re infallible, chances are good that 1) you’re not listening terribly close 2) if you find some inconsistency then you’re hero is no longer infallible and 3) who has the balls to spit in Superman’s face. Because of these things, Brannon Howse can make these kinds of statements with 95% certainty that his audience will quietly accept what he says with even more docility than before.

What’s implicit in that statement is that it only applies to those who agree with him. He will only apologize to those who buy into his “world view”. Everyone else can, literally, go to Hell.

Proof – Of course!

Some quick background. Religious conservative and wingnuts in general love to point to Obama’s use of “czars” as proof that he’s really a communist.  In this paradigm, everyone who’s ever taken a bath is a Christian because you dunk yourself in water. The shell game works like this:

  • Russia had czars
  • The communists were Russians
  • Communism is bad
  • Czars are Communists

I’m not making that up.

Of course, the Communists overthrew the Czars. That makes Obama’s czars…um…not Communist.

Given this shockingly true information, a fair, thinking person would have to admit that the whole “czar” thing makes no sense at all. Right?

Wrong.

Did that sound like any kind of an apology? Did that sound like a man humbling himself before the truth? Or did that sound like a man struggling to maintain his hold on a lie that’s a central part of his hate?

Personally, I think the latter. Of course, as a moral relativist, I could be wrong

PS – Let’s see how legalistic his defense and/or defenders get. Legalism, btw, is also a bad thing. It’s either right or wrong and God decides.

In Which Jesus Mocked People When He Felt He Was Right

May 24th, 2010 No comments

45 And after Jesus and his disciples did leave
the sermon on the mount, Jesus did turn to
Thomas speaking thusly
46 “Did I not not tell you that enough food wouldst
be provided for all to eat? Did I not? Yea, verily,
I believe I didst, but, naaaaay, YOU insisted
there wouldst NOT be enough food.
47 “I guesseth that I was right and you were wrong,
you big pile of donkey dung.
48 Wouldst thou liketh more to eat? Plenty
remaineth shouldst thou still require food.
49 Although,it  didst occureth to me that thou couldst
stand to lose a several stone, if the truth be told.”
50 Then Jesus turned to the other disciple, saying,
“Wouldst thou not agree, brethern? Dost Thomas
not resembleth a fat sow, ripe for the slaughter?
Dost thou not think that several villiages wouldst
eat hearty and well for many cycles of the moon
off the flesh of him?”
The Book of Jesus – 8:45-50

Seriously. Who are these people? Do they have any concept of the life of Jesus? Are their lives so devoid of successes that every perceived success provokes a torrent of thinly disguised abuse and hubris?

The American Fucktard Family Association believes itself responsible for…well…the downfall of Ford Motors:

According to AFA, during the 24 months the boycott was in effect, Ford sales dropped an average of 8 percent per month. The organization said its boycott was not entirely responsible for the drop in sales, but played a very significant role. A total of 780,365 individuals had signed AFA’s Boycott Ford petition.

It had nothing to do with a floundering economy or job market tanking. No. It was all about the homos. Of course, AFA doesn’t want to boycott companies but if they’re going to keep insisting on this “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights” bullshit, well…what choice do they have? In the world of xtianity there are only two options given to you by the Savior of Man – shit or get off the pot.

It’s pretty evident that not only was Jesus pretty passive-aggressive (“Oh, yeah? Then maybe I’ll just go and get myself EXECUTED for you – how’s that??”) but also petty and vindictive.

Again, from the Book of Jesus:

83 And after he did wash Jesus’ feet, the Savior did look at them and he did turn to John, saying
84 “Dost thou call this clean? Wouldst thou by any standard of heaven or of earth attempt to passeth this off as a ‘good job’? I am the Way and the Light! I have come to offer you everlasting life free of earthly pleasures and this is the thanks I get?”
85 And he did pusheth John roughly onto the stool, saying
86 “If thou be too retarded to knoweth the meaning of clean, alloweth me to show you.” Wherein Jesus did scrub John’s feet until they be bloodied and blistered.
87 And Jesus did laugh at John’s pain, telling him firmly, “Let this be a lesson to thee.”

As many xtians already know, Jesus sneered a lot. He was sarcastic, rude, bullying, denigrating and, above all, holier-than-thou. Thus, being “Christ-like” to an xtian is different than being “Christ-like” to an actual Christian.

Case in point? Oh, there are too many to count but for the moment, let’s use Gary McCollough who runs one of the funniest and/or saddest sites around – Christian Newswire. I’m guessing that McCollough probably gets a discount when he puts out a press release like “DeGeneres Hurt American Idol — I Told You So“. And indeed, he did

I propose that those behind American Idol view Lambert’s defeat as evidence of an underlying anti-gay bias among voters. As good community activists in the skewed world of Hollywood, this season’s change in judges was an opportunity to confront this homophobic bias. Thus viewers to the ninth season will get a steady dose of wit from one of the nation’s most well known lesbians, Ellen DeGeneres.

Personally, when I think of American Lesbians, I think of Eleanor Roosevelt but that’s probably just me. Like the American Fucktard Family Association, McCollough has no use for and no capacity to view reality because of the big Jesus shaped mirror he keeps in front of his face. He looks at himself and sees the world as he imagines Jesus would see it. I’m not sure at what point xtians teach their children that Jesus only hung out with the upper middle class and not with beggars and whores but it must be in the curriculum some place.  xtians care nothing about healing the lame and everything about laying the blame. It’s rare that that an xtian will step up to the plate and admit some wrong they committed against another. Pat Robertson, using slave labor in a Zaire diamond mine certainly doesn’t. He was great pals with the oppressive dictator down there…just like Jesus would have been.

McCollough, an xtian’s xtian if ever there was one, stands triumphantly pissing on the not-yet-dead corpse of American Idol because…he predicted it. Him. He. Gary McCollough. LESBIANS! It had nothing to do with American Idol’s falling ratings since season four, or Paula Abdul leaving or Simon announcing his departure. If ONLY they’d listened to him and had either a straight man or woman rather than a LESBIAN take over Paula’s place, they would have been back on top again. Stupid, stupid Fox. And, of course, McCollough follows the trend of LESBIANS on American Idol to its logical conclusion – pedophiles on Dancing With The Stars. Duh!

All of this really is just he basic xtian bullshit and had I not bothered to read the whole thing, I wouldn’t be writing this. However, this one paragraph jumped out at me.

DeGeneres’ “Yes, I have loved a woman,” comment from the May 11th show, was the most obvious lesbian-one-liner, but it wasn’t the only one, and it is hurting the show’s ratings. I can hear the bloggers loading their homophobe-blasters, but think this through with me.  If one of the judges was an abortion activist, or a political right winger — and continued to insert comments in line with their activism — the same criticism would be true, and the show would suffer. The advice, “Shut up and sing!” comes to mind [emphasis added]

Shut up and sing” isn’t even code in the wingnut world. It’s a threat of violence and almost a rallying cry. It comes from a letter from some wingnut psycho in Texas sent to Natalie Maines, lead singer of The Dixie Chicks, threatening to kill her for exercising her First Amendment right to disagree with the bush administration. Seriously.

Am I saying that McCollough wants to kill Ellen DeGeneres (or, as Jerry Falwell, resting uncomfortably in Hell, called her “Ellen DeGenerate“)? No. Well, maybe he does. Rather, if he did, he’d consider it another in a series of proofs of God’s existence and/or hatred of the things McCollough hates.

Let’s make this clear – Jesus didn’t hate people. He wasn’t a libertarian. He wasn’t a republican. He was neither gay nor straight. If you read the actual Bible itself, rather than lazily allowing Dobson, Eliason, Perkins or Wildmon to tell you what’s in it, it’s pretty obvious that Jesus would never endorse the kind of twisted perversion of His message that Gary McCollough spews.

Have fun in Hell, Gary.

In Which I Bid Dobson Farewell

March 3rd, 2010 No comments

I know I’m not the most Christian person on the face of the earth…who am I kidding…I’m a fucking Unitarian Universalist.  In case you didn’t know, we start of all of our “services” by chanting, “Bibles? We don’t need no steenkin’ bibles!”

But I’ve said too much.

What I meant to say was here’s the beginning of a farewell to gay-bashingest, homo-hating-est, bush-dick-sucking, God-misunderstanding hellbound fucktard still alive today. I look forward to Focus on the Family folding  fabulously leaving behind a trail of debts and lawsuits that will make Bleak House seem as short as Bambi Vs. Godzilla.

Bye Bye Dobson…you piece of hypocritical shit

Categories: Dobson, Focus On The Family, Podcast Tags:

In Which I Present An Example Of How xtians Talk Out Of Both Sides Of Their Mouths

February 16th, 2010 No comments

You know – I realize that I tend to shit on xtians here. Let me again remind you that xtians aren’t Christians. Christians believe that Jesus died to save the world from sin. They believe that He walked among us calling for peace, love and tolerance, healing the sick, and telling people not to act like assholes.

xtians believe that Jesus believed in free market economy, that the poor (especially the non-white poor) were leaches and fuck the sick. xtians lie through their stubby teeth ground down from years of gnawing on the bones of the suckers who donate money to their mega-churches.

Most, but not all of them, suffer from a psychosis that renders them incapable of seeing the world anything less than a festering pit of sin that God will destroy because everyone in it (except them, of course) sucks. Sure, when backed into a corner, they’ll claim that they, too, need salvation.  But they don’t really mean it. They know God really likes them best and the rest of us will roast.

In the movie, True Romance, Christopher Walken (as a crime boss) has an amazing scene where he tells Dennis Hopper about the 17 pantomimes that every liar plays. That kept going through my head as I listened to Tony “Not The Gay Guy That Killed Janet Leigh In Psycho” Perkins sound so unbelievably since in his agreement with Obama that the country needs unity.

HUH? Perkins who spouts the most miserable characterizations of the President of the United States (remember, dissent is no longer treason anymore) agrees with him on something.  That just can’t be true! Well, listen for yourself!

1 – Agree That Unity Is A Good Thing…Well…Civility

He’s so reasonable! Kind, calm, thoughtful. He agrees that Obama seems headed on the right track. However, no sooner does he say that then the pivoting starts. “Unity” can’t be achieved since…well, Obama is a scumbag that wants to destroy America BUT if we change “Unity” to “Civility” it’s kind of the same thing so he still agrees with the POTUS.  He’s just a man that loves God on an island reasonableness stuck in a stinking sea of Satanists.

2 – Put Yourself On The Defensive

He still agrees that Obama’s call for Unity Civility only helps the country. Notice how in this part how he continues this “hat in hand” bit. Yes, the democrats won the election. He’s an American. He believes in democracy. Oh, yeah, and civility. The US used to be a Godly country and now it’s run by…well, maybe not Satan but at least his advance guard. Perkins knows that in this new America sooner or later, Christians will get their throats cut because believing in God is “controversial”.  “It’s ok,” he assures us.  He “gets it”. I love God. The US hates me.  No biggee!

3 – Be A Uniter Not A Diviner

Tony Perkins, during his time in the House, got along with everybody! Just because he believed in God and everyone else didn’t…that didn’t mean that they all couldn’t hang out together. Why? Because he doesn’t hate. At all. Yes, homosexuals want to rape children in bathrooms. Yes, the only reason that we have AIDS is because gays and Democrats aren’t shipped off and quarantined from 10% of Americans that go to church regularly. Yes, the fictitious “homosexual agenda” runs our schools teaching our kids to like homosexuals rather than beat the living shit out of them the way they deserve. And, yes, gay people (with the help of Obama) want to pass laws that will make heterosexuals get divorces and force them to marry gay people. BUT – he doesn’t hate them. He prays for them. What’s so bad about praying for a group of people that want to destroy the American way of life and kill God? Answer: nothing.

4 – Trust But Villify

Ok, with Perkins’ “God is Love” bona fides, firmly in place, it’s time to re-affirm that Obama’s basic message of Unity Civility can be gotten behind. However…Obama still likes that homosexuals that that want to destroy the American way of life and kill God and even wants to help them. That’s a problem. And it shows up in the way he poo-poos and twists the meaning of  the good work that xtians want to do in Uganda with killing gay people. “Oh, you silly gays and liberals”, he intones, “we…errrr…the Ugandans don’t want to kill gay people. They simply want to kill any gay person capable of killing an innocent person because of their gayness. See, only gays have AIDS. When gays have sex they transmit AIDS. A lot of times to children…poor orphaned children! AIDS kills people. So whenever a gay guy (because it’s never lesbians with these folks) has sex, he’s killed someone, which is to say, he commits murder. So Obama condones murder and…well…how can you reason with someone that does that?”

5 – Logically, It’s All His Fault

Using the above, Perkins, rather abandons the “hat in hand-aww-shucks-we’re-the-underdog” posture and passive-aggressively weasels his way from the oppressed to the victor. You can’t be civil with someone who supports crime.  It’s a helluva trick considering that last step.

6- Civility Is Absolute Bullshit With The Godless

This is a brilliantly fucked up sentence – “When you have the conflicting world views, you are not going to be able to resolve those simply by calling for civility. Now, again, we treat each other with kindness and speak out of love…”

This is where a dictionary comes in handy:

Civility: Courteous behavior; politeness.

Hm. Kindness and love almost sound like civility. But it can’t be civility. Because in order to have a civil discussion about homosexuals, Perkins says, “you have to drop the truth” about murderous homosexuals raping children, destroying America and trying to kill God and “friends, that…will…never…work.”

Now. Go back and play the first clip again where he talks about “Unity and Civility” as a “laudable goal”.

Why did it take Perkins a week to get around to talking about Obama’s prayer breakfast speech?  Because the shit that he spewed is so complex, targeted and evil that it took that long to write.

In Which I’m Busy But I Have Post This

February 9th, 2010 No comments

I am SO digging the American Family Association‘s American Family Radio podcast. It’s so chock full xtian hilarity, I may just not recover!

On the lame Focus on the Family Tebow Superbowl ad, they try so hard not to offend Dobson that they can barely talk.  They declare victory by trotting out an editorial from a  “liberal” columnist who claims that the global warming debate is over.  And since the global warming debate is dead, then cap and trade is dead. They repeatedly refer the the editorial as an “article”. Oh.  Yeah.  And she’s Canadian! Since when did wingnuts start caring about what the rest of the world says?  DOH! When they agree with the wingnuts! I forgot that xtians heart moral relativism. Color me embarrassed!

But it gets better! A bill called The Student Non-Discrimination Act got introduced on 1/27/10 that basically says don’t beat up LGBT kids. OR DOES IT??? Well, if you factor in the boy in Fulton, MS that got sent home from school for crossdressing then it all makes sense: if The Student Non-Discrimination Act gets passed it means that KINDERGARTEN BOYS WILL COME TO SCHOOL DRESSED AS GIRLS AND PERFORM HOMOSEXUAL ACTS IN THE CLASSROOM!!! I swear that they will!! How do you even make this shit up? It requires leaps of logic that are…well…biblical. (Me so FUNEE!)

Last but not least comes the best radio ad I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s for a company called Medi-Share (which in the ad sounds like “meta-share” making it harder to find – nice job, copywriters). Medi-Share is “where Christians share each other’s medical expenses much like the early church did 2000yrs ago.” Whoa! Jesus had an HMO? (“Yeaaaaah, I’m sorry, Jesus, but those nail wounds aren’t covered. You can pay out of pocket for them to get sutured or you can let ‘em heal on their own.”) But, like a competently written comedy, you save the punchline for the end.  Really. It’s only a minute long. Listen to the whole thing. You won’t be disappointed!

Medi-Share Radio Ad

gtg, as the kids say!

In Which Tony Perkins Hates Alaska, Hawaii And Muslims

November 13th, 2009 No comments

two_tonys

When I talk of Tony Perkins here, I don’t speak of the gay actor that dressed up in his mother’s clothing and killed Janet Leigh in the shower. Nor the actor who played the closeted photographer in Mahogony. When I talk of Tony Perkins, I speak of James Dobson’s bully boy and head of the Family Research Council. Tony is a capital-X Xtian who, I’m sure, if it wasn’t for those pesky “government laws” would have no problem killing his kid, as God urges you to do in Leviticus. He knows that God doesn’t like gays, that abortion is murder and that God forgave Sen. David Vitter for hiring whores to dress him up in a diaper so there’s no need to contest Vitter’s re-election bid. All of this is to say that, while he may not suck dicks, he’s a dick and he sucks.

Tony (the not gay one) bleats about the important issues of the day and why liberals will go to Hell on Washington Watch Weekly. While most shows fill the average listener with dread over what a theocracy might look like NOT GAY people like Tony Perkins (the not gay one) in charge, this past week’s points out just how fucking insane Dobson and the crew are.

It’s been proven by xtians that once upon a time in America there was no crime, no drug, no pre-marital sex, no gays, all wars were just wars and people only voted Republican. It was a simpler, better time because only xtians lived in America and you could beat the shit out your child without fear of prosecution.  To that end, xtians love looking backwards. Even to the extent that they favor dictionaries from 1912 and rely on previous drafts of state’s constitutions to prove that God created America.

This past Wednesday, the country celebrated Veterans’ Day. Tony did, as well, by flying a very special flag.  This flag represents a time when Americans believed in America and compassion for the enemies of America simply did not exist.  We gunned them down in cold blood, pissed on the dead and Jesus laughed, laughed, laughed. It’s a flag that flew over Pearl Harbor before the filthy, yellow Japs bombed it.  Which means it only has 48 stars.  Which means it doesn’t represent the whole country.  Which means that, mercifully, all the darker skinned Americans of Hawaii and Alaska get shunted aside.  God Bless (most of) America!

Tony (the not-gay one) knows that among Jesus’ wonderful messages, His message of helping your fellow man stands in the center of it.  One way to help your fellow man is, when they knock up their girlfriend in high school, to force them to have a child they’re not mature enough to raise.  In doing this, you ensure the child gets neglected and (hopefully) beaten.  Why? Because not only will the child want to get the hell out of that house and joined the Army, but when they do, they’ll already be battle hardened.  Some “Pro-Lifers” (at least pro-American lifers) praised the Stupid Stupak amendment to the rapidly toothless healthcare bill for making sure that xtians wouldn’t go to Hell because they paid for a girl to abort their daddy’s baby.  Tony (tngo) knows you have to cruel to be kind and that allowing the bill to become law means victory for the harbinger of the End Times, Barak Obama.  After all, you don’t need health insurance if you live your life in accordance to biblical principals.  What’s the point of Stupid Stupak amendment when the more important goals are 1) to actively work against the President of the United States and 2) let the people who don’t live their life by following biblical principles to die.  Yes, God is Love and sometimes love means killing that uppity bitch that refuses to do what you tell her to.

Lastly, as the Conservative Bible Project plans to make clear, Jesus was NOT a liberal.  When Jesus said “fellow man” he didn’t mean everyone. He meant (in the original Aramaic) “like-minded people” or, in the parlance of today’s vernacular “NOT TOWELHEADS.” Tony doesn’t truck with “intellectuals” who “think” and “analyze” and rely on “political correctness” and “other people” to inform their decisions. So, when a Muslim like Nidal Hassan opens fire and kills 13 at Ft. Hood, Texas, the way to make sure this never happens again is clear: kick the fucking Muslims out of the US Armed Forces.  Now.  Didn’t this same thing happen 6 years ago?!  Don’t you people get it?! Do you not see a trend?!  As most xtians, will tell you – when you become a Muslim you take an oath to kill as many Americans as you can. We are the enemy.  To hell with all this “diversity” and “inclusion”.  Letting Muslims into the military de facto means more dead American soldiers on the soil of our glorious homeland.

Do you think Jesus wants to see that?  Tony Perkins doesn’t.  But then again, he doesn’t like to acknowledge the 49th and 50th states of the Union, either.

In Which I Post Someone Else’s Letter

March 31st, 2009 No comments

[Note - Newton Wilcox on the Board of Directors of www.shelleytherepublican.com, which is to say he's a fucking nutcase.  This letter was leaked to me anonymously and is posted without comment.]

Dear Mr. Justice Scalia

It goes without saying that God is the judge of us all, but until Jesus returns to earth to judge the naked and the dead (and if they’re naked it’s pretty much assured that they’re going to Hell) then you, and NOT Barney Frank, are the right man for the job. How dare he call you a homophobe!? This “politically correct” term is used simply to demonize those who hate gay people. I hate broccoli. Does that make me a broccoli-phobe? According to Mr. Barney Frank, I guess that it does. I guess you’d better just ship me off to Barack HUSSIEN Obama’s food re-education camps that he’s setting up even as we speak. What kind of country has America become when you are forced to not only eat but to enjoy hummus? I guess you can call it “change” but I, for one, do not believe in it.

You well know, sir, that God founded America to spread democracy and the English language throughout the rest of the world. If this isn’t true, then why was the Bible written in English?! (And, parenthetically, thanks to President Bush Iraquis are now beginning to put u’s after q’s the way they’re supposed to. Mission accomplished!) As you said so eloquently in your dissent against the decision to let Texas become an openly homosexual state, the “agenda promoted by some homosexual activists [is] directed at eliminating the moral opprobrium that has traditionally attached to homosexual conduct.” If I was a smarter man, I’d understand all of those words but it seems pretty clear that you understand that the homosexual agenda wants nothing more than to make all heterosexuals get divorced and force them to “marry” someone of their own sex. We know this to be true because Dr. Dobson and the Rev. Ted Haggard have told us so.

What’s less known, and the reason for this letter, is that all of this is being driven by the powerful Unitarian Universalist lobby in Congress. How do we know this? All you have to do is follow the money. Who stands to gain from homosexual marriage and the destruction of the moral fabric of our society? Unitarians, that’s who. Besides Satanists, Unitarians are the only other “religion” that performs “same-sex” ceremonies. Thus, the Unitarians stand to gain untold riches from fulfilling Satan’s plan of turning America from a once proud and powerful capitalistic country bursting with nuclear weapon capabilities into a filthy, third world hippie commune overseen by Charles Manson. Was Jesus killed by the Jews for this? I think not.

I’d like to personally thank you for standing up for the American values of traditional marriage and Christianity as laid out in the Constitution of this great country of ours. I’d also like to thank you for helping Justice Thomas get comfortable with a job that seemed to be pretty much over his head. Fortunately, you’ve told him how to vote and everything has worked out for the best.

In closing, let me just say that you are my favorite Supreme Court Justice even though you’re a Catholic and you can look forward to my vote in 2012 to keep you on the court!

Yours in Christ,

Newton Wilcox
Board of Directors
www.Shelleytherepublican.com

In Which All Squares Are Ovals

March 26th, 2009 3 comments

Not all Christians are assholes.  I pretty sure that I’ve said this before.  I know some very nice, kind, caring Christians.  Every year, it’s the churches that organize an MLK breakfast.  The woman down the street works in a food pantry and puts in time bettering the community.  I’d say, all told, that there are more nice Christians than not.  In my own odd way, I believe in the goodness of people.  Sadly, these are not the people that immediately jump to mind when many people (note the qualification) think of Christians.

They think of assholes like James Dobson.  They think of dickheads like Rod Parsely.  They think of absolutely losers like Jimmy Swaggart.

If there is a Hell then under the guidelines, I will be there and I will have many, many conversations with many, many Christians who will no doubt be shaking their heads as to how they got there.  It seems that no matter how many times you try to explain that telling other people that they’re going to Hell doesn’t mean you’re going to Heaven, they just don’t get it.  They also don’t seem to understand that Jesus didn’t preach that the way to Him was distorting the truth – AKA: Lying.

If I remember it correctly, there are sins of omission and sins of commission.  A sin of omission is failure to do what one can and must do.  Thus, Ted Haggard committed a sin of omission when he bought speed and had sex with a male prostitute.  A sin of commission is to know something is wrong and do it anyway.  Thus, James Dobson and his buddies knowingly and willingly tell lies in the name of Jesus.  These lies projectile vomit out of the mouths of their deluded followers.  People like this fine, caring xtian.

You may know a lot of atheists who help, but they are not the majority

Understand, they are taught that you cannot be moral without being a Christian.  I have heard someone say that homosexuals are more prone to murder because they have no morality.  They can kill and not feel anything.  I wish I was kidding.  And so, all atheists are homosexual sociopaths.

This is the way xtians survive to fill their coffers and preach their vision of the hateful Jesus.  In their view, extrapolation equals logic.  Thus, if Barney Frank calls Justice Antonin Scalia a homophobe what he’s actually saying is that any American that voted on a state Defense of Marriage law is a homophobe.  Which is not only stupid but a sin of commission.  xtian “leaders” knowingly and willfully took a satircal piece about a homosexual uprising, stripped out the prologue that explained

This essay is an outré, madness, a tragic, cruel fantasy, an eruption of inner rage, on how the oppressed desperately dream of being the oppressor.

and claimed it was the blueprint for the homosexual agenda.  Seriously.  When you hear someone claim that “I am holding a copy of the homosexual agenda in my hand” that’s what they’re referring to -  a satirical newpaper column in a gay paper.  (And I”m desperately trying NOT to make a joke about what’s in their other hand…OOPS)

It should be fairly obvious that these people are not Christians.  They are xtians.  Like the early Catholic Church, they are not about Jesus.  They are about earthly power.  I’m not even sure that they understand what they’re doing.  I do know, however, that Jesus wouldn’t have lied to spread lies about people he didn’t like.

See ya in Hell!

In Which Self-Deception Is Easier Than Self-Examination

May 26th, 2008 10 comments

[Note - I'm am desperately going to try not to use the c-word.  It's warranted.  It's the precise word to use.  But I'm going to try my best to stay away from it.]

Let me say upfront that I don’t hate conservatitves.  When I argue with them, I do my best to be respectful and not pull a whole bunch of cheap rhetorical tricks.  However, there’s a certain breed of conservatitive that has such a loose grip on the facts that consversation is completely impossible almost to the point where after two minutes they’re screaming that I’m a freedom hating faggot that wants to fuck their son and clone Stalin.

Think I’m kidding?  I’m not.  Take a look at this c…..er…conservative name Lynn Thomas who goes by the name of Cao (pronounce it however you want).  Pick any post, it doesn’t really matter which.  The latest, as of this writing, is titled “shouldn’t we be allowed to have an opinion?”  Now, you’re thinking to yourself – what’s wrong with that?  We live in America, a country based on the free exchange of ideas.  It’s a right that many Americans lay down their lives for.  Not just soldiers, but civil rights workers, protesters, clergy and everyday people.  So the answer, obviously, is “yes, EVERYONE is allowed to an opinion.”  Or are we?  Cao continues -

And I think [thank?] God I still live in a country where we can agree to disagree and still remain friends.

That is – unless the people I’m disagreeing with – are marxist Obamanots. In that case, they’ll do their best to destroy people who disagree – because groupthink in their world, RULES, and you’re only allowed one opinion: theirs.

See what I mean?  By disagreeing with Cao you are attempting to destroy her because…your opinon doesn’t count.  Only hers does because it’s the correct opinon.  Calls of “why can’t we all get along” from the right (and left, sometimes) never mean that.   The paradox in the previous statement is stunning – “you are only allowed one opinion: theirs.”  Soooo…how many opinons does she allow when to disagree with her makes you a “marxist Obamanot”?  Answer – none.

These disingenuous pleas for “understanding” and “tolerance” fuel my hatred for extreme wingnuttery.  They are not stable people.  None of them.  I’ve spoken with on the radio and 90% of their arguments whither in the face of very simple logic.  Case in point (and forgive me for being sketchy on the details) – A couple of years ago in Georgia, a defendent grabbed the gun from a cop and shot his way out of a courtroom.  Pretty embarassing, right?  Of course – because the cop was a woman.  If it had been a guy, the defendent would have been overpowered by the big, manly cop and order would have been quickly restored.  I think it was Mike Gallagher that used that example to argue for a male-only police force.  EXCEPT that a year or so later the exact thing happened with a male cop.  I called him, got on the air and reminded him of his previous statement which he ignored and asked what size Birkenstock I wore.  I’m serious.  He wouldn’t even address the issue because he had no leg to stand on. If you’re going to call for the firing of all female cops due to a single incident then you should, in a morally pure world, call for the firing of all male cops for the same offense.

Wingnuts, though, don’t care about morality.  They don’t care about anyone except the Wingnut Club.  How does Rush Limbaugh condemn drug abusers only to turn around, admit he has a drug abuse problem and continue to be respected.  He conciously bought drugs illegally.  In a morally pure world, he should be crucified in the public square and held up to small children as a prime example of hypocrisy.  Instead, he got a raise and higher ratings.  Newt Gingrinch fucked around on his wife while condeming Bill Clinton for fucking around on his wife.  Newt is held up, not as a pariah, but as a scion of the “Conservative Values”.  Larry Craig?  He’s a faggot so put him up againt the wall and pull the trigger.  Wingnuts hate faggots because Jesus hates faggots.

BUT, if you’re a useful faggot and you behave yourself, then, you’re ok.  Take David Brock, for example.  Brock, before he started the liberal Media Matters, was a Republican attack dog.  Remember Anita Hill and “a little bit nutty, a little bit slutty”?  That was Brock.  Pretty much everything in The Real Anita Hill was a lie, he later said.

I want to make sure that this is understood clearly – David Brock was paid to lie about Anita Hill so Clarence Thomas could get on the Supreme Court.  The Republican Party knew about these lies.  This, I add with a admirable understatement, was NOT a moral action.

Brock wasn’t an out-out gay man but everyone knew.  Why, then, would the memebers of the party of family values, memebers of the party of God, the members of the party of “gay marriage will destroy America” pay David Brock$300,000/yr to write for the American Spectator?  Aren’t gay people the enemy?  Answer – they…don’t…care.  The ends, as Stalin knew, justify the means.

Fun Fact – Ann Coulter fag hagged Brock!  Isn’t that sweet?

Now, the wingnuts reading this will no doubt use the tried and true rhetorical flourish of “OH YEAH?  BARNEY FRANK’S BOYFRIEND RAN A PROSTITUION RING OUT OF THEIR APARTMENT!!!  HOW DARE YOU PREACH TO US ABOUT MORALS???”  This has the effect of not answering the question.  Rather, it’s hoped that by bringing up some Democratic scandal they somehow magically absolve themselves of their own.  It doesn’t actually work that way but let me address it briefly

You can only hate something if you hate something

Most democrats don’t hate gay people nor do they find homosexuality immoral.  Most democrats don’t hate drugs and don’t find drugs immoral.  Most democrats don’t have that big of a problem with prostitution.  So, the Barney Frank thing is no big deal…especially since he didn’t know it was going on AND reported it to the House Ethics committee when he found out.  I know that wingnuts love oversimplification so let me help you out – democrats are, by wingnut standards, immoral and so explicitly embrace immorality, therefore to judge us by your strict moral codes is comapring apples to oranges.

But here’s the thing – we acknowledge your theoretical code of conduct where as you, in your best imitation of Christ, piss on ours.  Lynn calls us, of all things, Marxist.  Really?  That’s odd, because in three out of the four gospels, Matthew, Mark and Luke, there is the almost identical story of Jesus (yeah, THAT Jesus) telling some rich guy, “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.”  And, for special bonus points, what do you call the redistribution of wealth?

But it’s even better than that.

The only version of the Bible that most evangelicals recognize as the one that God wrote is the King James Bible.  There’s a great book (soon to be a VH1 Special) about the making of the King James Bible called In the Beginning: The Story of the King James Bible and How It Changed a Nation, a Language, and a Culture.  Turns out that at least a few pious folks murdered other pious folks to get this new version or the Word of God done.  And, oh, yeah, there’s compelling evidence that King James was at least bi-sexual.  Yes.  That’s right.  The book (or at least the most accepted version of the book) is the result of a sodomite.  If you can deal with the Marxist Word of God (TM) being finance by a bi-sexual, what’s the big deal with a gay negro crackhead for President?

And so, wingnuts turn to self-deception to ferret away all these nasty questions that threaten the vicious and closed-minded world they fester in and stave off some truths they’d rather not face.  If one-man/one-woman is so important, why isn’t their an eleventh commandment?  Why did God let polygamy flourish without retribution?  Isn’t interpreting “Thou Shalt Not Kill” as definitive proof of God’s stance on abortion akin to “activist judges interpreting the Constitution”?  How do you justify the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of innocent in the Middle East when the same commandment holds true?

Oh.

Wait.

That’s right.

They’re towelheads and will not rest until Allah reigns supreme over every surface of the world.  After all, didn’t Allah say, “He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. “  Wait, that was the GOOD GOD insisting that he reign supreme over every surface of the world.

And, of course, when you gotta kill the women and children for the glory of Allah, you gotta kill the women and children for the glory of Allah

32 Then Sihon came out against us, he and all his people, to fight at Jahaz.

33 And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people.

34 And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain:

Oops!  Deuteronomy!

See, you can’t bring these points up with wingnuts.  They can’t talk about them.  They refuse.  Lynn and her Lynn-nots herself once tried to convince me that Jesus was actually very free-market economy.  True!  Jesus wasn’t into welfare, according to them and when, in the space of five minutes, I could get my search terms right to get the passages I quote above, they attacked me as ignorant about what Jesus actually said.  The irony?  If they actually knew, believed and followed the Bible they should have known those verses off the top of their heads.  The four Gospels don’t tell the same stories so for three out of four to stress the rich casting off thier wealth to help the poor…that’s pretty significant.

Wingnuts cherry pick their morality and when to observe it.  They don’t have a problem telling God to go screw when it suits their agenda to do so.  “Pious Rich Christian”, according Jesus himself, is an oxymoron.   John McCain had lobbyists working for dictatorships and the wingnuts shrugged.  After all, you gotta make your money somehow, right?  Obama goes to a party where there might have been drugs and it’s proof that he’s a drug addict.  The bush family has close ties to Saudi Arabia where almost every terrorist involved in 9/11 came from and not one wingnut questions that relationship or demands to invade Saudi Arabia.  Obama sits on a board with Bill Ayers, a founding member of the Weather Underground, and Obama is consorting with terrorists.

Lynn, I know this mean nothing to you.  You probably can’t even wrap you’re mind around your own contradictions.  I’m not an Obama supporter.  I did give him $25 just to piss off Hillary, but chances are good that I will vote, not as my party, or my friends or God wants me to.  I will vote my conscience because I have a conscience.  You don’t, so you’ll vote for who you’re told to.  And against every single teaching of the Jesus you profess to love you will tirelessly work to tear down by any means necessary those who disagree with you.

Jesus might have saved you from stoning.  I wouldn’t.  I’m not Jesus.  And neither are you.

In Which They Should Have Shown Up

October 4th, 2007 1 comment

The Religious Right is in decline.  White, evangelical Christian vote fell preciptiously in the 2006 election because Bush lied and millions died…not in Iraq, but in “abortuaries” and because, since there’s still no Federal Marriage Amendment, homos and lesbians still rob God and the Social Security fund of “pre-borns” that will never get..um…borned.  Seriously.  There’s plenty of hard-core Christians that are pissed at bush for lying not once but twice.  The Jesus Machine does a great job detailing how the frat boy Republican party seduced the mildly retarded but virtuous Christian Conservatives, promised to marry them, fucked them, left them at the altar…and then did it three more times.

I don’t agree with Gilgoff that Dobson and company still hold power.  They are now the middle-aged perpetual other woman who you can fuck in the backseat if you pretend to have a modicum of respect her and always call her “ma’am.”  Hence, a “coalition of influential Christian Conservatives” (guess who?!) threatened to run their own third party candidate if ANY pro-abortion (and probably pro-homo) Republican gets the Presidential nomination.  In effect, they want the GOP to know they’ll take their horseshoes and go home…except the GOP is playing checkers. 

OMG!  What’s going to happen?  The bigger question is – who cares?  Mike Huckabee “won” the Values Voter debate.  Janet Folger, the author of the sublty titled The Criminalization Of Christianity: Read This Book Before It Becomes Illegal, said “God, You need to tell us who you want to be President of the United States”.  Turn out God told something like 60% of the straw poll voters to vote for Huckabee.  Now, you’d think that with an endorsement from God, Huckabee might get a bit of a bump in the polls.   Not so much.  Turns out that for September, in 9 out of the 21 polls listed in USA Election Polls, Huckabee doesn’t even register.  Oh, sure, he went from nothing to 7% in the CNN poll but went down on the Fox poll.

Let’s just be clear – the hardcore Christian right held a debate in which the top 4 republican candidates didn’t show up, the “winner” of the debate made none or negative movement in the polls and Dobson thinks a third party Jesus candidate can either influence the outcome of the election or actually win?

I just wanna step back to the mildly retarded comment I made earlier.  Frankly, I flinched a little when I wrote it.  I shouldn’t have said that.  They’re completely retarded.

Both the GOP and the Democrats missed a golden opportunity at the Values Voter debates.  They could have easily stood up at the podiums and said, “I believe in God.  I believe in the United States.  And I believe that the American people will no longer tolerate you sad attempts to turn this country into a theocracy.  I believe that freedom of religion does not apply to Christianity only.  Start respecting other religions and we’ll start respecting yours.  Otherwise, shut the fuck up.  Thank you and God bless”.  That’s a speech tailor made for Kucinch and Guiliani.

But they turned tail and ran.

Too bad.

I think God would have liked that.

Categories: 2008 Debacle, CrossTalk, Culture, Dobson, Religion Tags: