Archive for the ‘Headlines’ Category

In Which I Post The Headlines

April 27th, 2006 No comments

I guess there’s an upside to having to lay in bed waiting to pass kidney stones in that I’m actually ahead of schedule.

Kenneth Lay told a jury on Tuesday that the problems at Enron affected him “as deeply as the loss of a family member”. To prove this, his lawyers called his mother to the stand shot her in the head as Lay watched. Weeping and spattered with blood, Lay told the jury that he had no prior knowledge of the shooting of his mother, a claim his lawyers denied. Lay will face conspiracy to commit murder changes at the end of the Enron trial.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice cut short their Administrative and Professional day celebrations to pay a surprise visit to Iraq on Wednesday and welcome new Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Malaki. Said Rumsfeld “We stand here as a clear sign to the world that Iraq is not a puppet of the United States government and I’m sure the Prime Minister will tell you exactly that in his own eloquent words as soon as we’re done translating it for him”. As they left Iraq, Rice reportedly reminded al-Malaki there were to be “no parties” until they returned.

Fox News commentator, Tony Snow, will become the new White House Spokesweasal replacing former spokesweasal, Scott McClellan. The White House cited Snow’s experience in the previous bush administration as the deciding factor in the appointment. However, an anonymous high ranking official whose name rhymes with Got-to-Hell-an told Hbee Inc Radio that, as an employee of Fox, the White House required no further paperwork for Snow to start the new job.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a Florida death row inmate to decide whether death by lethal injection constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. The three stage process includes the introduction of a chemical that veterinarians have banned in killing animals on death row. This will be the second time the court has visited this issue. In 2005, the court ruled unanimously that death by listening to Derek Gerry drone on about the genius of Nick Kershaw was, indeed, cruel and unusual.

In yet another sign that the end times are upon us, someone actually thought that a ten million dollar Broadway musical based on Anne Rice’s The Vampire Trilogy with music and lyrics by Elton John and Bernie Taupin would be a sure fire success. When contacted, Jesus H. Christ said “Even I couldn’t forgive this and I’m now pro-abortion”.

Münchhausen by proxy candidate, Beth Holloway Twitty, who still can’t understand how her sexually repressed cheerleader daughter went missing after a night of bong hits and belly shots in an Aruban bar, decided to file civil suit against Joran van der Sloot, the first person she laid eyes on when she deplaned in Aruba. The Alabama woman filed suit against the Aruban in the most natural of all places – New York. Explaining the choice, a spokesweasal for the family cited a dearth of Jewish lawyers in Alabama and faster access to the media.

In Which I Post The Headlines And Go To Bed

September 29th, 2005 No comments

Denying charges of cronyism, Scott McClellan announced that the new undersecretary of FEMA is also the first American with Down?s Syndrome appointed to a cabinet level agency. McClellan said the appointment of Jeffy ?Dancer? Lincoln, the son of a vice president of Kellog, Brown and Rice, is meant to give other children with Down?s Syndrome a positive message that they can be just as effective as anyone else the government currently employs. McClellan described Lincoln as a ?former food service employee well acquainted with making quick and appropriate decisions.? Despite draconian restrictions on access to the new undersecretary, a reporter for Hbee Inc Radio tracked him down on his last day at Burger King. ?I?m a good boy,? said Lincoln, ?I like football. I like to dance.?

Karen Hughes, the undersecretary of state for public diplomacy, was rushed to a psychiatric ward in Jidda, Saudi Arabia after addressing several hundred abaya-wearing women at a local university. The appearance marked another stop on Hughes? tour of the Middle East meant to convert the natives to Americanisim. After an initially warm reception from the hand-picked audience, Hughes urged the women to ?fully participate in society? by demanding to vote and referred to driving a car as ?an important part of my freedom.? An audience member responded, “The general image of the Arab woman is that she isn’t happy. Well, we’re all pretty happy,? which was met by tumultuous applause. Unable to process a culture where women didn?t drive, Hughes gripped the podium and seemed to go into epileptic shock, rhythmically chanting, ?driving is freedom, driving is freedom? until guards pried her hands from the podium and took her offstage. Hughes is the third such victim of this phenomenon. The previous undersecretary, Margaret Tutwiler, lasted only five months on the job. Her doctors report that, as yet, she will still only mutter the words to America The Beautiful.

Japanese researches have captured for the first time on film, a giant squid in its natural habit. The researchers provoked the squid, found 600 miles offshore from Tokyo, into a attacking a remote underwater camera providing a wealth of information as to its habits. Tsunemi Kubodera and Kyoichi Mori described watching the squid as ?creepy?, ?spooky? and ?altogether ooky?. A spokesman for the United States Navy, Captain Ahab, commented, ?Arrrrrgh. At last I?ll be havin? th? chance to avenge me leg.?

CNN reports Beth Holloway Twitty accused the primary suspects in the disappearance of her daughter, Natalie, of lying to the television show, A Current Affair. ?He?s absolutely lying,? she told CBS?s Early Show and NBC?s Today Show. ?He told the police they had sex with her and he told A Current Affair he didn?t. He?s lying.? Senator Bill Frist, after watching vacation tapes of Natalie Holloway, announced that it was his medical opinion that she was not brain-dead and called for Senate Hearings on the matter.

Michael Brown, the future former ex-head of FEMA, testified before a before a bi-partisan committee of mostly Republicans yesterday convened to investigate who best to take the fall for the debacle of Hurricane Katrina. Showing a craven cowardice unrivaled since Daffy Duck tried to steal all of Ali Baba?s gold, he proceeded to blame all of FEMA?s failings on everyone except himself boldly insisting, like so many other pre-mature ejaculators before him, that he thought he?d done a ?pretty good job?. In a brief moment of introspection, he admitted that his one mistake was not realizing earlier that the state of Louisiana was ?dysfunctional.? The state of Louisiana issued a statement today that read, in part, ?this is why we hit Michael Brown. We don?t want to. But Michael Brown makes us hit him. It?s that tramp Texas and that whore Mississippi he always hangs around with. We?d kill him if we didn?t love him so much.? The statement went on to say that if Brown would stay home once in a while, the state of Louisiana wouldn?t drink so much and suggested that having another baby might solve all their problems.

Good night.