I guess there’s an upside to having to lay in bed waiting to pass kidney stones in that I’m actually ahead of schedule.
Kenneth Lay told a jury on Tuesday that the problems at Enron affected him “as deeply as the loss of a family member”. To prove this, his lawyers called his mother to the stand shot her in the head as Lay watched. Weeping and spattered with blood, Lay told the jury that he had no prior knowledge of the shooting of his mother, a claim his lawyers denied. Lay will face conspiracy to commit murder changes at the end of the Enron trial.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice cut short their Administrative and Professional day celebrations to pay a surprise visit to Iraq on Wednesday and welcome new Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Malaki. Said Rumsfeld “We stand here as a clear sign to the world that Iraq is not a puppet of the United States government and I’m sure the Prime Minister will tell you exactly that in his own eloquent words as soon as we’re done translating it for him”. As they left Iraq, Rice reportedly reminded al-Malaki there were to be “no parties” until they returned.
Fox News commentator, Tony Snow, will become the new White House Spokesweasal replacing former spokesweasal, Scott McClellan. The White House cited Snow’s experience in the previous bush administration as the deciding factor in the appointment. However, an anonymous high ranking official whose name rhymes with Got-to-Hell-an told Hbee Inc Radio that, as an employee of Fox, the White House required no further paperwork for Snow to start the new job.
The Supreme Court will hear the case of a Florida death row inmate to decide whether death by lethal injection constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. The three stage process includes the introduction of a chemical that veterinarians have banned in killing animals on death row. This will be the second time the court has visited this issue. In 2005, the court ruled unanimously that death by listening to Derek Gerry drone on about the genius of Nick Kershaw was, indeed, cruel and unusual.
In yet another sign that the end times are upon us, someone actually thought that a ten million dollar Broadway musical based on Anne Rice’s The Vampire Trilogy with music and lyrics by Elton John and Bernie Taupin would be a sure fire success. When contacted, Jesus H. Christ said “Even I couldn’t forgive this and I’m now pro-abortion”.
Münchhausen by proxy candidate, Beth Holloway Twitty, who still can’t understand how her sexually repressed cheerleader daughter went missing after a night of bong hits and belly shots in an Aruban bar, decided to file civil suit against Joran van der Sloot, the first person she laid eyes on when she deplaned in Aruba. The Alabama woman filed suit against the Aruban in the most natural of all places – New York. Explaining the choice, a spokesweasal for the family cited a dearth of Jewish lawyers in Alabama and faster access to the media.