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In Which I Have The Best Telemarketing Call Ever

June 1st, 2011 No comments

That was the most fun I’ve had in a while! Usually, telemarketers just get confused or pissed off when I fuck with them. I’ve actually had one call me back to tell me that I was rude. It’s rare when you get one that understands that they’re just there to effectively get paid to kill time. Thus, she and I had a lovely 10min convo about tourism, terrorism and my new vacation venture, Killton Hotels.

Her: Hi, can I talk to Mrs. Mulvaney?

Me: No. She’s not home.

Her: Is this Mr. Mulvaney?

Me: No. That’s her dad. I’m her husband.

Her: Oh. Ok. Well, I can talk to you!

Me: And you are…?

Her: I’m calling from Hilton Hotels. You and your wife are valued customers and we just wanted to see if you’d have any interest in going to Olando, FL on us.

Me: Orlando??

Her: Do you not like Orlando?

Me: Why would I want to go to Orlando? What’s in Orlando?

Her: Well…um..Disneyland? Universal Studios?

Me: Ewwwwww

Her: Not interested in that then.

Me: No

Her: What about Myrtle Beach.

Me: Nope.

Her: Miami?

Me: Nope.

Her: What kinds of places do you like to go to on your vacations?

Me: Oh…Bosnia. Haiti.

Her: What?

Me: Yeah!

Her: Sir? Um…are you kidding me?

Me: No. Not at all. We enjoy places that are off the beaten path.

Her: Are you in the Red Cross?

Me: No.

Her: Isn’t that…dangerous.

Me: Oh, sure. But that’s a lot of the fun!

Her: Fun? It sounds kind of scary.

Me: Yeah, it can be. We’ve been held for ransom a few times.

Her: Um.

Me: I mean, obviously, we always get released.

Her: Sure.

Me: Does Hilton have hotels in Afghanistan?

Her: I’m…not sure. I think we used to have some underground bunkers in Myrtle Beach.

Me: Are there terrorists there?

Her: Probably not. But we might be able to find you some or make accomodations.

Me: Nah. We’ve done the staged thing before. They always go light on the waterboarding.

Her: What about a video game or something?

Me: Ya know, VR has come a long way but they really haven’t gotten it to the point where you really *feel* like you’re drowning.

Her: Yeah. I’m from Hawaii and surfed since I was three. I know what it’s like to have water going up your nose. You’re right.

Me: Yeah.

Her: Still. Isn’t there any place you’d want to go to relax *before* you get kidnapped?

Me: Nah. Not really. That’s what the physical therapy is for.

Her: Just physical therapy?

Me: And pyschological, too. PTSD. But mostly putting joints back into sockets. Resetting broken bones.

Her: Yeah. I’m a boxer and I’ve broken my hand like five times.

Me: Yeah? See, I think you’d LOVE this kind of vacation. You’ve almost drown a couple of times. You break your hand on activities that interest you. I don’t really know why you’re poo-poo’ing this

Her: I see your point but…yeah…I like to relax on vacation.

Me: Look. You’ve given me a great idea for a travel agency called “Killton Hotels”. Can I interest you in a condo?

Her: OH MY GOD! You are so funny! I can’t wait to tell my husband about this call!

Me: Seriously. We’ll have Blackwater former Navy Seals ON STAFF to conduct rescue operations. You’ll be in danger, sure, but…c’mon – NAVY SEALS! You’ll be fine.

Her: I’m guessing that I’m not going to get you into Orlando.

Me: Yeeeeeeah, prolly not.

Her: Any chance at all?

Me: Naaaaaaah.

Her: Oh well. You know, I wish the mob were still in Las Vegas.

Me: Now THAT would be a vacation I’d be interested. Lunch with John Ensign just doesn’t hold much allure.

Her: I can see that.

Me: Yeah.

Her: Yeah. Ok. Well, if there’s nothing I can do…

Me: Yeah. Sorry.

Her: Ok.

Me: Ok. And you’re sure you’re not interested in Killton Hotels?

Her: Postive.

Me: Oh well.

Her: Yeah. Ok. Well. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. This has been hilarious. You’re really funny. We’ll probably call back and harass you some time in the future.

Me: And I’ll do the same.

Her: Sounds like a deal.

Me: Cool.

Her: Bye!

Me: Bye!

Categories: Telemarketing Tags:

In Which I Receive A Welcome Diversion

March 13th, 2008 3 comments

Someone emailed me yesterday and spoke of having “larry fatigue”.  I’m at the same place.  I need to put this shit aside for a year or two.  It will still be there when I get back.  I’m going to say it one last time, though.

If you make legitimate accusations that you can back up then you should present your evidence.

I honestly don’t understand why that is such a hard concept to wrap your head around.  You’re getting harassed?  Hm.  Since what you say is true, once you prove it they can’t harass you anymore.  People are telling lies about you?  Hm.  Since what you say is true, once you prove it they can’t lie about you anymore.  In short – COME DOWN OFF THE FUCKING CROSS AND PROVE YOUR CHARGES.

Ok – that said, I just got one of the better pre-recorded telemarketing pitches I’ve ever recieved.

Hi!  This is Bill Bennett and I’m calling to let you know that you’ve just won two free nights in Las Vegas!

Brilliant!  Sadly, it was a different Bill Bennett that recorded the message.

If you’re a little lost as to the genius of this, then you probably don’t know the famous Bill Bennett.  Bennett was Sec’y of Education under Reagan and a firm believer that bringing morality back to America was the key to keeping America strong.  He even wrote a book to help with this goal – The Book of Virtues.

And then it turned out that he found a way to blow $8 MILLION dollars on the slot machines.  Now, you might be saying to yourself , “I knew there was a God”.  Sorry.  You’re mistaken.  Just like hypocritical junkie, Rush Limbaugh, Bennett landed on his feet and continues to spew shit on cable news shows and his on radio show, Mourning In America.

Categories: Telemarketing Tags:

In Which It’s Not A Courtesy

October 24th, 2007 No comments

Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

Sales Weasal:  Hi, is Ms. (horrible mangling of name) home?

Me:  This is regarding…?

SW:  This is regarding her Macy’s card?

Me:  Is there a problem with it?

SW:  No, sir, it’s courtesy call regarding…

Me:  Courtesy?

SW:  Well, yes, sir.

Me:  No.  It’s a sales call.

SW:  Sir, it could be beneficial to you.

Me:  That’s not courtesy, though.  You’re calling to sell me something.  Not to…I don’t know…ask if I need a door opened or something.

SW:  Sir, this is my job.

Me:  Your job…which is selling things.  Not being courteous.  (Pause)  Am I missing something here?  I mean, you’re selling something, right?  (Pause)

SW:  Thank you for your time, sir.

Me:  My pleasure.

Categories: Telemarketing Tags:

In Which I Have Fun With Yet Another Telemarketer

June 5th, 2005 No comments

Do Not Call List? Where’s the fun in THAT?

The fact is, telemarketers provide hours of free entertainment. At worst, you get to blow off pent-up anger at some anonymous person who might then question why the only job they can get under the bush administration involves getting yelled at. At best, you give them something to talk about and break up the monotony of the only job they can get under the bush administration and involves getting yelled at.

As previously catalogued, fucking with telemarketers is a hobby of mine. I’m not always in the mood for it, but when it hits there’s no better practice for improv than fucking with a telemarketer.

1.

Telemarketer: Hello, Mr. Day?
Me: HI!
T: Is this Mr. Day?
M: YES!
T: Hi, Mr. Day. I’m calling on behalf of Bank of America and we’d like to offer you a Visa Platinum card with an eighteen month 0% finance charge which includes balance transfers. Now, Mr. Day, do you have any credit cards with balances that exceed –
M: Can I just ask you a question quickly?
T: Of course, Mr. Day.
M: I’d like to offer you the chance to get in on the ground floor of a new chicken raising business that I’ve just started. For only $550, I’ll send you a dozen chickens for you to raise in your back yard. You’ll collect the eggs and I’ll pick them up. How does that sound?!
T: Um…
M: That’s what I thought! Now, I’m going to record this conversation from here on out in the interest of accuracy. Can I confirm your address, please?
T: I…why would I want chickens?
M: I don’t know. Why would you call me out of the blue and ask me if I wanted a credit card? Now, your address is…
T: I’m not really… I don’t want chickens.
M: You really should reconsider that decision. I’m not sure that you realize the explosive growth potential in raising chickens. Do you realize the sales of eggs has never been higher?
T: Chickens.
M: YES! I’m not sure you’re really aware of how lucky you are that you called me.
T: Oh, I’m not so sure about that. Thank you, though.
M: Ok. Well. Have fun in your boring job. Thanks for your time.
[I hang up] 

2

Telemarketer: Hello, Mr. Day?
Me: HI!
T: Mr. Day, my name is Tanika from Horizon Travel agency. I like you to be aware that you’ve been selected for two-person, three day/two night all expense paid trip to Orlando, Florida.
M: No shit!
T: Uh. Yes, sir. We’re a new travel agency and in order to get our name known, we’re offering select customers this special offer.
M: I am truly blessed.
T: Uh. All you need to do is pay for the taxes on this trip which come out to $40/person and will not exceed $100. 

[Note: 2 x $40 = $80. Am I missing something?]

T: (Cont.) In order to claim this trip, you simply need to come down to our new office and review the other packages that our company offers. That’s a pretty good deal, right?
M: Ummmm…I don’t know about that.
T: About what?
M: About this “going down to the office” thing.
T: Why’s that, sir?
M: I had a friend of mine that did that kinda thing and they, like, wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom for like five hours until he pledged his life to Jesus.
T: Sir?
M: Yeah. That’s what I said. He told me it was some kind of religious cult and that they threatened him.
T: Was…was that OUR agency, sir?
M: I don’t know if it was your agency.
T: You don’t remember the name?
M: Nah. Something to do with the sky or something. I don’t remember. But he said it was something like the Moonies or something and that they just kept him there even when he told them he wanted to leave and they said that he could.
T: So…
M: Yeah.
T: Well, sir, I can assure you that’s that not the way we do things here. We…we don’t do that. I can promise you that.
M: (Skeptical) Sure.
T: What I’ll do, sir, is I’ll give you my phone number and if that happens when you go, you can give me a call and let me know about it.
M: Hm.
T: How does that sound?
M: Nah. I don’t think so. I mean, I know the whole thing sounds kinda far-fetched, but I grew up with this kid so there’s no real reason to doubt him, you know.
T: Well. Then. I…I guess you have a nice day.
M: You, too. Bye. 

See? FUN!

Categories: Telemarketing Tags:

In Which I’m Begging For Telemarketers

March 7th, 2005 1 comment

Oh, merciful fucking christ.

A miserable night last night. Up til 2:30 working on a miserable computer problem. Cats going crazy. Children with nightmares. I’m really ready to punch someone or something. Punch ’em. POW! POW POW POW! I’m Hillary Swank without the tits!

The best stress relief with the least ramifications comes at the keyboard tapping hands of telemarketers.

T: (And, OMFG, she’s INDIAN!) Hello, Mr. Day?

Me: Yes?

T: Hello, I’m calling on behalf of Discover Card and we would like to offer you a Discover Platinum card with a low interest rate of 5.5% and no monthly fee. Now you are currently located at [address]. Is that correct?

Me: Yes.

T: Vunderful. Now when you recieve this card, you merely need to call a 1-800 number to activate –

Me: I’m sorry. Are you telling me you’re sending me a card that I didn’t ask for?

T: Sir, this is a Discover Platinum card that comes with –

Me: How about – “Hi, would you like us to send you a card” and I’ll say “no” and you’ll say, “Vell, tanku berry mush for your time and if you have any udder kvestions you can call 1-800-NOTHANKS.

T: (Slight pause) Well, we would like you just to take a look at the features –

Me: Which part of “I don’t want it” aren’t you getting?

T: Sir, I do understand –

Me: Well, obiviously you don’t because you KEEP TALKING.

T: (Long pause. Did she hang up?) Well, if you have any other questions about this you can call – 1-800 –

Me: 800-I-DON’T-WANT-A-CARD. Yes, I know. Bye.

I feel oddly better.

Categories: Telemarketing Tags:

In Which Telemarketing Gets Wierder

January 6th, 2005 1 comment

I was waiting for a call when the phone rang so I didn’t read the caller ID until after I picked up the phone. Whoever The Dove Foundation was, I planned on making them unhappy. The guy on the other end of the line sounded somewhere in his thirties and very well practiced. I like fucking with the pros the best. They don’t fluster easily. His voice, chipper and tinny, smacked of animatron. You could tell this guy that Satan wanted him for his bitch and he’d just go onto the next bullet point on the prompt sheet in front of him.

TM: Is the lady of the house there?

Me: Excuse me?

TM: Is the lady of the house there?

Me: I’m sorry?

TM: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. Is the lady of the house there?

What? I couldn’t quite wrap my head around this call. I’ve had slick telemarketers before but none as by-the-book as this guy. I quickly replayed the cadences in my head. They sounded too perfect, almost canned. By now, automated voice prompts for customer service are ubiquitous, but had The Dove Foundation really taken the technology from passively routing calls to actively annoying spam dialing? I said the first words that popped into my head.

Me: Blow me.

TM: Ok. Is the man of the house there?

Me: Figs

TM: Great! I want to assure you that we’re not trying to sell you anything. The purpose of this call is to gauge your attitudes about the increasing sex, violence and profanity flooding mass media. The Dove Foundation was created as a positive force for change in this increasingly dangerous world. We feel the lives of our children hang in the balance. Now, are there any children in the home?

Me: Cunt.

TM: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that.

Me: Nazis.

TM: Great! Now, have you rented any “family films” in the past
six months?

Me: Taxi Driver

TM: Great! Now…

Guess they did.

For the next four minutes I swore, cursed god and pulled random words out of the air while he obliviously continued to bond with me over the issue of declining standards in the media. Sophomoric? Yes! Fun? You betcha!

Categories: Telemarketing Tags: