That was the most fun I’ve had in a while! Usually, telemarketers just get confused or pissed off when I fuck with them. I’ve actually had one call me back to tell me that I was rude. It’s rare when you get one that understands that they’re just there to effectively get paid to kill time. Thus, she and I had a lovely 10min convo about tourism, terrorism and my new vacation venture, Killton Hotels.
Her: Hi, can I talk to Mrs. Mulvaney?
Me: No. She’s not home.
Her: Is this Mr. Mulvaney?
Me: No. That’s her dad. I’m her husband.
Her: Oh. Ok. Well, I can talk to you!
Me: And you are…?
Her: I’m calling from Hilton Hotels. You and your wife are valued customers and we just wanted to see if you’d have any interest in going to Olando, FL on us.
Her: Do you not like Orlando?
Me: Why would I want to go to Orlando? What’s in Orlando?
Her: Well…um..Disneyland? Universal Studios?
Her: Not interested in that then.
Her: What about Myrtle Beach.
Her: What kinds of places do you like to go to on your vacations?
Me: Oh…Bosnia. Haiti.
Her: Sir? Um…are you kidding me?
Me: No. Not at all. We enjoy places that are off the beaten path.
Her: Are you in the Red Cross?
Her: Isn’t that…dangerous.
Me: Oh, sure. But that’s a lot of the fun!
Her: Fun? It sounds kind of scary.
Me: Yeah, it can be. We’ve been held for ransom a few times.
Me: I mean, obviously, we always get released.
Me: Does Hilton have hotels in Afghanistan?
Her: I’m…not sure. I think we used to have some underground bunkers in Myrtle Beach.
Me: Are there terrorists there?
Her: Probably not. But we might be able to find you some or make accomodations.
Me: Nah. We’ve done the staged thing before. They always go light on the waterboarding.
Her: What about a video game or something?
Me: Ya know, VR has come a long way but they really haven’t gotten it to the point where you really *feel* like you’re drowning.
Her: Yeah. I’m from Hawaii and surfed since I was three. I know what it’s like to have water going up your nose. You’re right.
Her: Still. Isn’t there any place you’d want to go to relax *before* you get kidnapped?
Me: Nah. Not really. That’s what the physical therapy is for.
Her: Just physical therapy?
Me: And pyschological, too. PTSD. But mostly putting joints back into sockets. Resetting broken bones.
Her: Yeah. I’m a boxer and I’ve broken my hand like five times.
Me: Yeah? See, I think you’d LOVE this kind of vacation. You’ve almost drown a couple of times. You break your hand on activities that interest you. I don’t really know why you’re poo-poo’ing this
Her: I see your point but…yeah…I like to relax on vacation.
Me: Look. You’ve given me a great idea for a travel agency called “Killton Hotels”. Can I interest you in a condo?
Her: OH MY GOD! You are so funny! I can’t wait to tell my husband about this call!
Me: Seriously. We’ll have Blackwater former Navy Seals ON STAFF to conduct rescue operations. You’ll be in danger, sure, but…c’mon – NAVY SEALS! You’ll be fine.
Her: I’m guessing that I’m not going to get you into Orlando.
Me: Yeeeeeeah, prolly not.
Her: Any chance at all?
Her: Oh well. You know, I wish the mob were still in Las Vegas.
Me: Now THAT would be a vacation I’d be interested. Lunch with John Ensign just doesn’t hold much allure.
Her: I can see that.
Her: Yeah. Ok. Well, if there’s nothing I can do…
Me: Yeah. Sorry.
Me: Ok. And you’re sure you’re not interested in Killton Hotels?
Me: Oh well.
Her: Yeah. Ok. Well. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. This has been hilarious. You’re really funny. We’ll probably call back and harass you some time in the future.
Me: And I’ll do the same.
Her: Sounds like a deal.