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In Which Jesus Mocked People When He Felt He Was Right

May 24th, 2010 No comments

45 And after Jesus and his disciples did leave
the sermon on the mount, Jesus did turn to
Thomas speaking thusly
46 “Did I not not tell you that enough food wouldst
be provided for all to eat? Did I not? Yea, verily,
I believe I didst, but, naaaaay, YOU insisted
there wouldst NOT be enough food.
47 “I guesseth that I was right and you were wrong,
you big pile of donkey dung.
48 Wouldst thou liketh more to eat? Plenty
remaineth shouldst thou still require food.
49 Although,it  didst occureth to me that thou couldst
stand to lose a several stone, if the truth be told.”
50 Then Jesus turned to the other disciple, saying,
“Wouldst thou not agree, brethern? Dost Thomas
not resembleth a fat sow, ripe for the slaughter?
Dost thou not think that several villiages wouldst
eat hearty and well for many cycles of the moon
off the flesh of him?”
The Book of Jesus – 8:45-50

Seriously. Who are these people? Do they have any concept of the life of Jesus? Are their lives so devoid of successes that every perceived success provokes a torrent of thinly disguised abuse and hubris?

The American Fucktard Family Association believes itself responsible for…well…the downfall of Ford Motors:

According to AFA, during the 24 months the boycott was in effect, Ford sales dropped an average of 8 percent per month. The organization said its boycott was not entirely responsible for the drop in sales, but played a very significant role. A total of 780,365 individuals had signed AFA’s Boycott Ford petition.

It had nothing to do with a floundering economy or job market tanking. No. It was all about the homos. Of course, AFA doesn’t want to boycott companies but if they’re going to keep insisting on this “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights” bullshit, well…what choice do they have? In the world of xtianity there are only two options given to you by the Savior of Man – shit or get off the pot.

It’s pretty evident that not only was Jesus pretty passive-aggressive (“Oh, yeah? Then maybe I’ll just go and get myself EXECUTED for you – how’s that??”) but also petty and vindictive.

Again, from the Book of Jesus:

83 And after he did wash Jesus’ feet, the Savior did look at them and he did turn to John, saying
84 “Dost thou call this clean? Wouldst thou by any standard of heaven or of earth attempt to passeth this off as a ‘good job’? I am the Way and the Light! I have come to offer you everlasting life free of earthly pleasures and this is the thanks I get?”
85 And he did pusheth John roughly onto the stool, saying
86 “If thou be too retarded to knoweth the meaning of clean, alloweth me to show you.” Wherein Jesus did scrub John’s feet until they be bloodied and blistered.
87 And Jesus did laugh at John’s pain, telling him firmly, “Let this be a lesson to thee.”

As many xtians already know, Jesus sneered a lot. He was sarcastic, rude, bullying, denigrating and, above all, holier-than-thou. Thus, being “Christ-like” to an xtian is different than being “Christ-like” to an actual Christian.

Case in point? Oh, there are too many to count but for the moment, let’s use Gary McCollough who runs one of the funniest and/or saddest sites around – Christian Newswire. I’m guessing that McCollough probably gets a discount when he puts out a press release like “DeGeneres Hurt American Idol — I Told You So“. And indeed, he did

I propose that those behind American Idol view Lambert’s defeat as evidence of an underlying anti-gay bias among voters. As good community activists in the skewed world of Hollywood, this season’s change in judges was an opportunity to confront this homophobic bias. Thus viewers to the ninth season will get a steady dose of wit from one of the nation’s most well known lesbians, Ellen DeGeneres.

Personally, when I think of American Lesbians, I think of Eleanor Roosevelt but that’s probably just me. Like the American Fucktard Family Association, McCollough has no use for and no capacity to view reality because of the big Jesus shaped mirror he keeps in front of his face. He looks at himself and sees the world as he imagines Jesus would see it. I’m not sure at what point xtians teach their children that Jesus only hung out with the upper middle class and not with beggars and whores but it must be in the curriculum some place.  xtians care nothing about healing the lame and everything about laying the blame. It’s rare that that an xtian will step up to the plate and admit some wrong they committed against another. Pat Robertson, using slave labor in a Zaire diamond mine certainly doesn’t. He was great pals with the oppressive dictator down there…just like Jesus would have been.

McCollough, an xtian’s xtian if ever there was one, stands triumphantly pissing on the not-yet-dead corpse of American Idol because…he predicted it. Him. He. Gary McCollough. LESBIANS! It had nothing to do with American Idol’s falling ratings since season four, or Paula Abdul leaving or Simon announcing his departure. If ONLY they’d listened to him and had either a straight man or woman rather than a LESBIAN take over Paula’s place, they would have been back on top again. Stupid, stupid Fox. And, of course, McCollough follows the trend of LESBIANS on American Idol to its logical conclusion – pedophiles on Dancing With The Stars. Duh!

All of this really is just he basic xtian bullshit and had I not bothered to read the whole thing, I wouldn’t be writing this. However, this one paragraph jumped out at me.

DeGeneres’ “Yes, I have loved a woman,” comment from the May 11th show, was the most obvious lesbian-one-liner, but it wasn’t the only one, and it is hurting the show’s ratings. I can hear the bloggers loading their homophobe-blasters, but think this through with me.  If one of the judges was an abortion activist, or a political right winger — and continued to insert comments in line with their activism — the same criticism would be true, and the show would suffer. The advice, “Shut up and sing!” comes to mind [emphasis added]

Shut up and sing” isn’t even code in the wingnut world. It’s a threat of violence and almost a rallying cry. It comes from a letter from some wingnut psycho in Texas sent to Natalie Maines, lead singer of The Dixie Chicks, threatening to kill her for exercising her First Amendment right to disagree with the bush administration. Seriously.

Am I saying that McCollough wants to kill Ellen DeGeneres (or, as Jerry Falwell, resting uncomfortably in Hell, called her “Ellen DeGenerate“)? No. Well, maybe he does. Rather, if he did, he’d consider it another in a series of proofs of God’s existence and/or hatred of the things McCollough hates.

Let’s make this clear – Jesus didn’t hate people. He wasn’t a libertarian. He wasn’t a republican. He was neither gay nor straight. If you read the actual Bible itself, rather than lazily allowing Dobson, Eliason, Perkins or Wildmon to tell you what’s in it, it’s pretty obvious that Jesus would never endorse the kind of twisted perversion of His message that Gary McCollough spews.

Have fun in Hell, Gary.