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In Which Citizens United Agreed With Everything I Said

May 22nd, 2010 No comments

So I just got a call from Citizens United asking me to listen to a message from Dick “Dick” Morris and then respond to a  “critically important” 1 question survey. Why not?

“Dick” came on the line and pimped the book he’s writing about how to take back America. Blah, blah, blah socialist…blah blah blah disarm the military…blah blah blah…WHUH?? Death panels? Did he really just say death panels? Why, yes. Yes, he did say death panels. That’s sooo 2009.

I knew I was going to wait for the survey, but the question was: How to respond? Should I talk to the little wingnut fucktard rationally? Should I say “fuck you” and hang up? Or…

[Rough transcript]

Sheila: Hi, Mr. Day? Did you hear the message all right?

Me: Yup.

Sheila: That’s great. So we have just one question to ask you. Do you agree with Barack Obama when it comes to socializing medicine, disarming the troops and promoting socialism in America?

Me: All in one question?

Sheila: [laughs uncomfortably] Would you like to take them one at a time?

Me: Yeah.

Sheila: Ok. What about socializing medicine?

Me: I think those death panels are disgusting.

Sheila: They are.

Me: I’ve heard from people that they can send someone over to my grandma’s house in the middle of the night, yank her out of bed by the hair, throw her in a van and then shoot her.

Sheila: They can.

Me: How can anyone DO that? I mean…how can you be the kind of person who –

Sheila: Well, his little….his…um…his…ya know…um…”small circle of friends” up there in Washington –

Me: Do you think they’ll shoot her themselves??

Sheila: Noooo…I doubt it. They’ll probably hire hitmen but they won’t call them that. They’ll cal them something nicer.

Me: That’s right!

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Sheila: Sure!

Me: Do you think they’ll have sex with the dead corpse of my grandma?

Sheila: I really don’t know

Me: I bet they will.

Sheila: Uh huh. What about disarming the military?

Me: I’ve heard that the whole reason they’re using GPS for the census is because when Obama lets the UN forces invade America that won’t be able to speak English so they’ll need to use GPS co-ordinates in order to find the house of Christians in order to kill them.

Sheila: Uh huh. I don’t doubt it. What about the troops?

Me: What’s Obama done for the troops, anyway? NOTHING.

Sheila: That’s right. All he’s done is ship more of them out!

Me: That’s right! And with what? NOTHING! He’s shipping out unarmed soldiers and putting them into harm’s way without any way to defend themselves.

Sheila: Uh huh.

Me: He’s disgusting! How are we supposed to win the war on terror if he’s sending MORE troops over to Iraq and Afghanistan? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Sheila: (starting to catch on) Um….

Me: And how will they fight the Taliban when they’re unarmed? Huh? How?

Sheila: Uh….Yeah. I’d like to thank you for your feedback and

Me: Go fuck yourself, asshole.

In Which I Send Some Letters To The Editor

January 26th, 2010 No comments

The founding of America came from a very simple question – Why should we pay unfair taxes? From the seed of that seemingly innocuous question sprung the greatest country on the face of the earth, her trunk strong and her branches wide enough to protect the entire world.
And all from a very simple question.

Today, in 2010, another very simple question pops up here in the state of Massachusetts. It’s a question so trivial that some find themselves shocked at the mere asking of it. It’s a question that hurts no one. It’s a question that takes no time to answer. It’s a question that those of us who have nothing to hide would, if not welcome it, at least not run from. After all, who of us would not want to proudly and loudly proclaim that “I am a natural born citizen of the United States of America”?

Yet, some do.  And, since he has not produced his long form birth certificate, Senator-Elect , Scott Brown (R-MA) appears to be one of those people.

One must wonder why. Is it out of arrogance and a sense of entitlement?  Does he believe that such questions are below him?  Is it out of contempt for the electorate of our great state of Massachusetts? After all, he ran on a platform of making the late Senator Ted Kennedy’s seat “The People’s Seat” and now that “The People” ask a very simple question, “Where is your long form birth certificate?” suddenly “The People” don’t seem to matter as much.

There is no proof that Scott Brown is a light skinned Cuban national that underwent cosmetic surgery and years of voice training to “pass” as an American?  Yet. As of this writing, there is no proof that he is a deep cover Russian agent sent to infiltrate the US Senate from the inside? Is Scott Brown actually Canadian? We don’t know. We have not seen his long form birth certificate.

Many Brown defenders and apologists point out that you do not need to be a natural born US citizen to take your place on the Senate floor and, of course, they are right. But you do need to be a citizen. Scott Brown, for reasons unknown, refuses to produce any documentation to the general public to resolve the status of his citizenship. Doing so should take less than an hour. Even if he kept the original copy in one of his other homes, UPS ships anywhere in the world overnight.

We Americans are a generous and trusting people. We welcome our legally-processed and green-carded immigrants with open arms, doing everything in our power to make them feel comfortable and give them not a hand-out but a hand-up. If Scott Brown turns out turns out to be one of the fortunate few to live out the American Dream he need only look to his truck for confirmation that we accept him as one of our own.

Leadership in this great country of ours comes with great responsibility. Massachusetts put its trust in Scott Brown to do what’s best for our state. Scott Brown needs to earn that trust. And the simplest way to do that is to answer a very simple question – Where is your birth certificate?

Paul Day is founder of the  non-partisan website, http://averysimplequestion.com